Chapter 15
Lisette
I’d long since grown exhausted from the silent war raging within me, a battle between the trust Lucien’s apparent sincerity made me long to bestow and the doubt my handmaiden tried to stir. Each side put my heart at risk—either I yielded it to him and risked him breaking it, or I withdrew and lost the connection that kept me from vanishing completely.
Aira had made her reappearance shortly after Lucien had begun his letter to the magical monastery, but rather than his efforts on my behalf persuading her, she only watched through eyes narrowed with suspicion. “How convenient that he’s trying to erase years of neglect with gallant gestures now.”
I knew she meant her words as cautionary, but instead they only made me pensive. The curse had claimed many things—much of the kingdom of Brimoire, countless lives, even my own body and memories—but this particular instance didn’t seem bad.
“If erasing the pain of my past allows me to build a better future, is that really so wrong?” I understood all too well the desire to free myself from the shackles brought by my background; it would be wrong to hold Lucien to his, whatever it was.
Aira opened her mouth to retort, but our whispered conversation had drawn Lucien’s notice. Thankfully he didn’t push the matter of having discovered me talking to myself, whether because he’d been caught in a similar situation several times since our reunion or because he understood how fragile my ability to confide in him was and didn’t want to force me to turn to him before I was ready. I clung to the latter reason, evidence that Aira’s doubts in our lack of relationship before the curse were unfounded…or that at least Lucien was showing true regard for me now, whatever our past may have held.
She didn’t give up, continuing to whisper her dissuasions as Lucien led me to the parlor to meet with his brother and sister-in-law. Her words were powerless in the face of his attention—the protective way he hovered near me, the way he kept resting his hand over mine even though we couldn’t yet touch, his efforts followed by his declarative promise to help me—all which made me reluctant to doubt him.
Yet Aira’s distrust slithered through the cracks rendered on my careful shield to work upon my heart, preying on my fears that desperately needed Lucien’s love to be true. I fought against doubt’s seductive persuasions as I allowed him to escort me to the gardens following our discussion, still behaving the proper gentleman by opening the door for me despite my ability to pass through on my own. The gesture only endeared him to me further.
Such a man could never lie to me. Yet the words didn’t ring confidently in my mind. Notwithstanding my assurances, Aira didn’t have any reason to lead me astray with unfounded accusations, leaving me trapped in a labyrinth of confusion.
The beauty of the outdoors was lost to me as I wrestled with the conundrum. Silence stretched around us as Lucien strolled the twisting paths and I floated alongside him, but though much remained unresolved about my circumstances and the nature of our relationship, the silence wasn’t filled with our usual anxiety but instead a comfortable quiet.
I startled as Aira suddenly appeared unseen at my elbow. “This is the perfect opportunity to catch him in his lies; one can only spin their web of deceit for so long before the threads unravel.” She gazed at me earnestly, her eyes begging me to listen.
I didn’t answer lest Lucien hear my response, but Aira sensed my unspoken question in my uncertain glance.
“We only need His Highness to speak of your supposed past courtship and compare his memories against our own.”
“I have no memories,” I reminded her, words that caused Lucien’s brows to draw in concern.
“I wish there was a way I could restore them for you. Perhaps speaking of our past will help you remember.”
I hadn’t meant for my words to serve as a bridge to the test my distrustful handmaiden had in mind for him. I yearned to snatch them back, but Lucien already seemed eager to speak of our forgotten courtship, oblivious to the trap meant to expose him.
Aira snorted. “He’s quite confident to share memories of events that never occurred; he must believe your own recollections have entirely vanished. His promise to help you seems to lack the faith he has the ability to follow through.”
I wished that the curse would snatch her accusations, but it did nothing to stop them from settling upon my fragile heart and taking root. The only force strong enough to weed them out would be memories drawn from my own faded reminiscences.
I took a wavering breath. “I want to remember our courtship.”
He briefly hesitated before giving a soft smile. “I will share whichever memory you wish for me to recount. Is there one in particular you hope to recover?”
I was certain Aira had plenty of ideas for ones that would more easily entrap him, but it wasn’t her memory that had faded except for the select painful patches, though I was unsure which ones I most needed to shade in the missing details.
I looked around the vast grounds in hopes of discovering a fragment of my broken memory amongst the splendor that lingered beyond the curse whose ravaging reach hadn’t yet made its way to the protected capital. “You once mentioned we spent a lot of time walking the grounds? Is there a particular occasion…”
I trailed off when a bend in the path opened up to a small orchard, where a rope swing hung from a large blossoming tree growing in the center. I stilled, captured by a sudden image that caressed my mind—another swing hanging within a secluded garden, its ropes covered in flowers whose sweet perfume filled the gentle breeze, my refuge for when I needed to be alone.
I felt as if this thread of my memories was being connected to something important, but no matter how many times I turned it over in my mind I couldn’t gather any further clues. I tried to coax the reminiscence from its hiding place, but it only retreated back into the fog shrouding my mind.
The act of trying to remember caused pain to pierce my head, a discomfort I was beginning to wonder if it was caused by the strain of being rapped in this state of in-between. I pressed my hand to my brow, but rather than stave the throbbing ache my touch only went through my body, a movement that drew Lucien’s notice. “Are you alright?”
I couldn’t answer, my entire focus on the discomfort I shouldn’t feel without a body, making me wonder whether each gathered piece of my past gradually untangled me from the curse’s coils. I tried to piece together the recollection this location had triggered before it completely slipped away.
“That swing…”
Lucien glanced towards it, apprehensively at first, before the emotion faded into a soft smile. “That seems the perfect memory to begin with. During one of our first tours of the grounds shortly after our engagement, I brought you here and pushed you on the swing.”
I didn’t need to remember this event to know it would have undoubtedly been quite tender. I tried to resist glancing in Aira’s direction, afraid of what her expression would reveal, but the lure of potential answers was impossible to resist. My heart sank at her dark frown, confirmation that this particular memory was a lie.
Pain wrenched my heart, a wound that created an opening for the doubt I’d struggled to keep at bay to enter and threaten to overtake me. I frantically seized hold of the flimsy thread connecting to the memory lapping against my awareness, holding fast to this anchor midst the storm.
“This reminds me of the swing on my own royal grounds. Did I ever show you when you visited me in Thorndale?”
Aira smirked approvingly of what she undoubtedly assumed to be a carefully laid trap, but it wasn’t my intention to trick him. My glimpses of recollection had been enough for me to know that location had been my only childhood sanctuary; whether I’d been brave enough to show Lucien that tender part of my heart would tell me far more about how well our relationship had progressed than the details of our time together.
Though he nodded, he did it with considerable hesitation that left me apprehensive. “That was where we spent the most time together.”
I searched his face, every fiber of my being willing his words to be the truth. Yet with every recollection he shared, none possessed the familiarity I experienced whenever I stumbled upon the hurt and neglect that haunted my past.
As if sensing my doubts, Aira chose this moment to interject. “He’s lying. He scarcely visited, and whenever he did you rarely left the parlor where your sole interaction was to take tea and engage in smalltalk…when there was any conversation at all.”
My heart pounded painfully against my ribs. “Is that true?” I wasn’t sure whether I addressed Aira or Lucien.
Once more his expression faltered before he offered a tentative smile. “Of course. It was the perfect place to get away from the prying eyes of the court in order to capture a private moment together, free from the constraints of title and expectation.”
My memory stirred in recognition of the sentiment. “Yes, even before our courtship the swing found on the Thorndale palace grounds provided solace. I still remember my excitement to finally show you a place so special to me in order to nourish the already tender memories we’d created and grow new ones together.”
With each word the reminiscence took form, shaking off the shrouds of fog to grow clearer and brighter. Whether or not I had ever acted on that wish, those feelings at least bore truth, and the spark of hope I’d desperately nurtured brightened.
“To my knowledge you never brought him to your special place,” Aira said. “I’m sure you’ll find proof if you give him a chance to try and prove it by asking him for specifics.”
I grasped blindly at the faint recollection in order to retrieve a detail I could ask him about. “Blossoms twisted up the swing’s ropes like ivy, but I can’t recall which flowers they were, only that they lifted my spirits every time I saw them. Do you happen to remember?”
I held my breath as I awaited his answer, afraid he would fail this spontaneous game of memories, causing us to lose all that we’d recently rebuilt.
His eyes momentarily widened in almost panic before he quickly recovered and shook his head. “It was impossible to notice such a detail when my entire focus was on you.”
My heart sank at his clear efforts to sidestep the question and Aira rolled her eyes. “Which is to say he never saw your swing with daffodils, and is simply pretending he cannot recall details to expound upon a setting he never visited.”
She didn’t need to continue her cynical commentary for me to understand the words that remained unsaid—Lucien had done the opposite of what he’d just claimed and instead had only given me the minimal amount of attention required of a fiancé. Even so, I still longed for the story he wove to be true; if it wasn’t, I still didn’t understand what reason he possessed to lie.
A possibility flitted through my mind before settling like a butterfly gently landing on a flower, granting me a necessary moment to examine it. Perhaps it’s not you he wants, but instead he’s desperate to protect the reason your union was arranged.
Those details would have undoubtedly also been lost to the erasing force if Father had deemed me worthy of knowing them in the first place, yet I’d blindly gone along with his dictates without a second thought as I always had, a passiveness I had never regretted more than I did in this moment of ignorance. I doubted Aira would have been privy to such details, leaving only Lucien to inform me…yet asking him now would reveal my doubt.
I hadn’t realized how quiet I’d become until he suddenly faced me, dipping his head to better peer into my faint expression. “What is it, Lisette?”
When I didn’t immediately answer, he tipped his head towards the swing that had led to this confusing exchange in silent urging for me to sit down. I frowned. “Shouldn’t you be the one to take the seat, considering that without a body I receive no discomfort from standing…if my posture can even be deemed such?”
He gave me the same exasperated look from the night before when he’d insisted on my taking his bed rather than being forced to resort to the floor. “Please humor my gallant efforts.”
I tentatively accepted, settling on the seat as best I could while floating several inches above it. The swing’s ropes framed me in a cocoon of safety reminiscent of the one that had cradled me in my garden back at home. Somehow Lucien’s presence made this one feel all the more secure, an emotion that for all my lingering doubts allowed me to tentatively offer another portion of my heart.
“No matter how hard I try, I can’t remember our courtship, making me fear it never happened. I simply want it to be real.”
He sighed. “I want it to be real as well instead of each precious moment being trapped either in a forgotten past or as a mere possibility of what could have been. Perhaps by sharing these tender thoughts, we have hope of making something of them in our future together.”
My mind whirled at the words which almost seemed like a confession that perhaps things hadn’t unfolded the way he’d initially claimed.
He crouched down until we were eye-level, gently resting his hands over mine clinging to the swing ropes like a desperate lifeline. “Yesterday I brought the matter of our courtship up with my brother.” A blush tinged his cheeks but his earnest gaze maintained my own.
I remembered his hushed conversation with Prince Ryland—a mix of furtive whispers and gestures—as we traversed the corridors to the meeting room where the entourage from Thorndale had awaited us. Finally I could satisfy at least one curiosity. “You were discussing us?”
He nodded. “You’re my first and only love, thus I fear I’m fumbling my efforts to court you. Ryland advised me to ask you what you want rather than relying on my own devices. From what you spoke of earlier, it was important for you to show me your special place and create memories there. I know this location is likely a poor substitute, but perhaps it can serve a similar function. I would love nothing more than to give you a place of safety and beauty, a refuge from your worries and obligations…somewhere we can hopefully retreat to relax and learn more about each other.”
My brow furrowed. “Even though that interaction between us supposedly already happened?”
“Not unless it’s part of both of our memories so that we may revisit it any time we choose. I know how difficult it is for you to open up to me, but please allow me to come to know this part of you, Lisette.”
I couldn’t deny him, especially when I shared the same secret wish. Before we could embark on this new venture, I wanted Aira to leave so Lucien and I could have this conversation without her judgmental observation. I cast her a frustrated glance, and though she clearly didn’t approve of ceasing her duties as chaperone with a man she clearly didn’t trust, after a moment of deliberation she faded to wherever she went when she wasn’t at my side. Curiosity bade me to follow, even as I still wasn’t quite ready to let go of Lucien, a feeling made stronger with him standing so near.
When I returned my attention to Lucien, I found him watching me with worry-clouded eyes. “This isn’t the first time you’ve seemed to be interacting with something I cannot see. Is someone there?”
I startled at the inquiry. I was tempted to deny it, but whether or not he was lying to me, the least I could do was to be honest in return. “My handmaiden who disappeared along with me has been visiting me on occasion, but she just left.”
His eyes bulged. “Thank goodness—that means our other vanished subjects are likely alive as well if there’s truly a place they go after all.” He grew thoughtful. “Similar to how no one other than me can see you, I haven’t noticed her at all. I wonder if we can only see those who’ve disappeared whom we shared a connection with.”
His voice was wistful, as though recognizing that this theory was implausible since he was certainly not the only one with a connection to someone who had vanished…not to mention that the strength of our bond was still in doubt. His thumb twitched from his position near my hand to stroke the back of my own, a touch I could almost feel.
“Our own connection continues to give me hope in a future together, one I will do all within my power to bring to fruition…beginning with recreating this memory, the first of many to follow, should you desire it.”
Even with my inexperience with relationships it seemed the best place to start—strengthening the security I felt with him in a safe place would make it easier to build my trust in him.
At my tentative nod, he straightened and positioned himself behind me. I wasn’t sure whether his idea would work, considering I wasn’t technically sitting on the swing but merely floating above it to create the illusion that I was.
I closed my eyes and willed myself to take on a tangible enough form. My entire body tingled with a sensation similar to emerging from a bath—I simultaneously felt the coolness of the air hitting my damp skin along with the comforting warmth I’d left behind, but rather than temperature this feeling was symbolic of the invisibility that clung to my skin and my presence in the visible world.
Through concentrated focus I felt my lightened body grow heavier, the wooden seat beneath me more solid, and the shadow of the coarse rope against my clenched palms. But though I’d obtained some feeling, try as I might I still couldn’t feel Lucien’s touch against mine.
The swing swayed gently as he prepared to push. “I won’t push you very high.” Whether past experience had taught him this preference or he could easily deduce it through my reserved personality didn’t matter in the face of his consideration.
I normally would have responded with a nod, but in this moment I felt daring. “You can push me as high as you wish.”
He paused. “Are you certain?”
I nodded and tightened my grip. I knew it likely wouldn’t hurt if I fell off the swing; the only fall I feared was to a place too far from Lucien’s heart for me to reach. Even without being able to physically feel him, I sensed his presence against my back, a warmth I wanted nothing more than to lean against, trusting myself to him.
I tried to quell the sudden rush of nerves knotting my stomach. As if sensing them, he rested his hands over mine. “I will never let anything happen to you.” He gave them a reassuring squeeze, a movement I could almost feel. “Now get ready to fly.”
My breath caught as Lucien pulled the swing back and released. A fluttery sensation filled my stomach as the swing swung forward, a soaring sensation that only grew as the swing flew steadily higher. Gradually, my white-knuckled grip loosened as I relaxed and a smile tugged on my lips, one whose presence felt as precious as this moment between us.
Time lost all meaning as I swayed gently back and forth. Lucien eventually broke the reverent stillness. “Do you remember why your childhood swing was so special to you?”
To my surprise, the memory that had once felt so far away was now within reach for me to reexamine, allowing me to fill in the details that had been elusive before. “It offered me an escape, making me feel that just for a moment I could leave my life behind to experience a freedom that often felt elusive. It was the one time I felt in control of my own life, even if it was just an illusion.”
“I understand the need to escape. Next time we’re both tempted to run, perhaps instead of facing uncertainty alone and without any clear direction of where to find solace, we can instead discover it together.” His words held a promise that for all the confusion still muddling our past felt as real as the rare glimmer of happiness cradling this moment.
I tipped my head back to take in not the leafy canopy whose colors blurred with the swing’s movement but the softness filling his eyes as his gaze seeped into mine. “Are you asking me to become your refuge?”
“Only if you wish it, but regardless I’m offering to be yours.”
His words enfolded my heart, causing it to expand. Closing my eyes, I relished the sensation of the breeze against my face as I swung. An impulsive thought filled my mind, and though I never would have dreamed of doing something so impulsive in the past, the freedom I’d experienced in my new state combined with the delight in our current closeness inspired me to let go of the thick ropes at the peak of my arc.
I heard Lucien gasp but simply smiled as I allowed myself to float gently downward, landing softly in his arms. I looked up into his startled face, watching as his expression changed from surprised concern to a warmer, deeper emotion. For a beautiful moment we held our glance—seeming to communicate without words—before Lucien gently set me on my feet, allowing his hand to linger against my back as though to steady me.
“Did you lose your grip due to your transparency?” he asked.
I shook my head. “No, I intentionally let go; I knew I couldn’t be hurt, and I believed that you would catch me. I know I have much to relearn about you, but one thing I’ve noticed so far is that I can always trust you to be there when I need you.”
Lucien opened his mouth and then swallowed, as though too overcome to immediately speak. After clearing his throat, he spoke in a low voice. “Showing such implicit trust is one of the greatest honors you can give me…a trust I fear I ill deserve. But I promise to prove myself daily, to never give you reason to lose your faith in me.”
Wrapped in the glow of our encounter—the first time in our new courtship that we had simply enjoyed each other’s company without strained conversations or discussing the curse—we strolled slowly back towards the palace. This precious joy caused this new memory to merge with the incomplete, forgotten recollection about our past moments swinging together that I’d struggled to retrieve earlier. It no longer mattered whether the moment he’d spoken of had actually occurred, not when we now had this first jewel of what I hoped would soon be many in my treasure trove of romantic moments together.