Twenty-three
TWENTY-THREE
Hart
It ended.
Just as fast as I could have snapped my fingers, the pain ceased to exist.
Seeing Reagan out in town when I’d been picking my grandmother up from her hair appointment was brutal.
Because all I wanted was her, and she had made it clear she didn’t want the same. During those few seconds, as I stood there with my gaze locked on hers, the level of distress I felt was unparalleled. My throat felt like it was closing, and my chest became painfully tight. If it hadn’t been for my grandmother saying something to snap me out of it, I didn’t doubt I would have remained there, paralyzed by such hopelessness and despair.
But apparently, things had changed.
I’d been rattled after seeing Reagan out, and to say I was distracted during lunch with my grandmother would have been an understatement. I never imagined I’d return home to find Reagan waiting for me.
It was like I could finally breathe again. Suddenly, I didn’t feel like this massive weight was settled on my chest.
To not only see her and kiss her and have her tell me she loved me, but to know that Reagan was willing to take a chance on me, on us, was all I could have ever wanted.
And now that we were here in my bed after having gotten ourselves cleaned up, I was content to stay just like we were. Cuddling close, wrapped up in one another.
As much happiness and contentment as I felt having her here, there was a small part of me that was still feeling very much on edge. I didn’t want to let her go. I didn’t want her out of my sight. All I could think to do was secure more time with her as quickly as possible.
With her cheek resting against my chest and the front of her body pressed tight to the side of mine, my fingers stroked along the soft skin at her side and lower back.
Just as I was about to break the silence, Reagan asked, “Are you okay?”
“You’re here with me.”
She lifted her head so she could look at me. “Yes, I am. But I asked if you were okay.”
The corners of my mouth twitched. “Doesn’t my response tell you everything you need to know?”
Reagan tipped her head to the side, confusion marring her features. “I don’t think so. Can you explain?”
My fingers pressed in, my arm tightening around her. “I’m okay. As long as I’ve got you here with me, I’m always going to be better than okay.”
Her expression softened. “That’s sweet of you to say, Hart. But I was referring to your physical well-being. You don’t have any pain from where you were… where you were hurt, do you?”
It was a bit strange for me to witness the concern she had for me. It wasn’t that I believed Reagan to be some heartless woman. The problem was that, except for my grandmother, nobody had shown concern for me like that. I’d struggled to come to grips with it when she’d gotten emotional after noticing the scar on my body for the first time.
But no matter how odd it was for me, I couldn’t deny how grateful I was for the regard she showed. And because I loved and cared for her the way I did, I could recognize her response as being born of that same kind of love.
Even now, she was still worried.
Lifting my hand to the side of her face, I tucked a lock of her hair behind her ear before my thumb drifted to her jaw. “I’m not in any pain, Reagan.”
“Are you sure?”
I smiled at her. “Positive.”
She regarded me carefully. At the same time, I couldn’t miss the way she leaned into my touch. A few moments passed before I realized she still had something on her mind and was hesitating to address it.
“What is it?”
“What?”
“I can tell you’ve got something on your mind.”
She chewed on her bottom lip. “I don’t want you to get the wrong idea.”
“About what?”
“If I tell you what’s on my mind, you might take it the wrong way. And my intention is not to insult you or make you question anything.”
My hand settled at the base of her skull, my fingers curling around her neck, where I offered a reassuring squeeze. “I’ve never known you to be the kind of woman who holds herself back from saying exactly what’s on her mind. Well, other than giving me the truth about how you feel and telling me you love me. Don’t hold back now, shortcake.”
She licked her lips and swallowed roughly. “I love what we just had between us. It was easily the most beautiful experience of my life. I wouldn’t change it for anything. But I can’t ignore these thoughts from creeping in.”
“What thoughts?”
“Every time you and I have been intimate, you’ve always been more vocal. More dominant about what you want. I guess I’ve grown a bit accustomed to that, and I’m wondering if what happened, if what I said to you when we were in that place, made you hold back from doing that now.”
I couldn’t say that the words we’d exchanged with one another while we were there weren’t constantly popping into my mind. That had been especially true when I spent two months recovering from the surgery after being stabbed. It killed me to know the things she believed about me, and it left me feeling nothing but regret about the way I’d treated her before she’d been kidnapped.
My free hand reached for hers, and I lifted her knuckles to my lips. I kissed each of them before holding her hand firmly in mine.
“What we had now wasn’t about that place, Reagan.” Some of the tension eased out of her body, and she relaxed further into me. “What we had now was about me knowing what I have with you, how much you mean to me. It was about taking my time with you and just allowing us to enjoy being in this place with one another, knowing we’re giving ourselves a shot at something real. It was about needing you to know how much I cherish you, how much I adore you. Mostly, it was about giving myself permission to honor the love I feel for you.”
Tears filled her eyes. “That was beautiful, Hart.”
If she was surprised by those words, she wasn’t alone. Even though I meant every one of them, I still hadn’t quite come to grips with being in this place in my life. Sure, it had been roughly three months that I’d lived with the knowledge of how much she meant to me and how much I loved her, but I’d held that from her for most of that time.
I was still shocked at how much I enjoyed being open with her about those feelings. Even more than that, I was stunned by the need I felt to take things slow with her just now. I hadn’t ever imagined I’d get to a place where I’d want to take my time with a woman and just allow us both to do what felt good, what came naturally. I guess it only proved just how extraordinary a woman Reagan was.
I brought my hand to the side of her face and swiped at a tear that had escaped. “It’s the truth. I’m sorry for not doing it sooner, and for ever making you believe you meant so little to me.”
Reagan nodded her understanding. “I guess I should apologize, too. I’m sorry.”
“For what? You didn’t do anything wrong.”
She sent me a pointed look. “I said horrible things about you. I said awful things to you. And it’s not lost on me when you took me out of that cell that I called out the way you were with me when we were intimate before I was kidnapped. I likened you to those men, believing you were just the same.”
In one swift move, I rolled us. Reagan was on her back, and my body was hovering over hers. I stroked my fingers along the side of her face. “I appreciate you offering the apology, but it’s not necessary. With the way things were between us before, it only makes sense that you’d assume the worst of me. I get it.”
“That doesn’t make it okay. I said so many horrible things, and I can’t take them back. I can’t?—”
I touched my lips to hers, needing to do anything to silence and calm her. When I felt her body relax beneath mine, I separated my mouth from hers. “We both made mistakes. Neither of us can go back to change any of it. All we can do is forgive each other for making those mistakes and move forward. That’s all I want, Reagan. I just want to move forward and do it with you by my side.”
Her fingers slid into my hair and scratched absentmindedly as her thoughts ran wild. I could see her mind working for a bit before she finally nodded. “Okay. Okay, we’ll forgive and move forward.”
“Good. Now, there are two things we can do to make that happen,” I explained.
Her brows shot up, questioning me. “How?”
“First, I think it’s about time I took you out on a real date.”
Her fingers twitched, and her head jerked back into the pillow. “What?”
“Do you have any showings scheduled for today?”
She shook her head. “Oddly enough, I’ve got the entire weekend free.”
A grin spread across my face. “Can I take you on a date tonight? I want to do this right, and I’d love nothing more than to have you get all dolled up, so I can give you everything you deserve.”
Reagan’s eyes roamed over my face, like she was searching for proof that I was joking with her. When she didn’t get that evidence, she smiled back at me. “I’d love that, Hart. It would mean the world to me.”
It was so simple. It was something she should have had from the start. But even if she hadn’t gotten it when she should have had it, Reagan was still so grateful to have it now. I was beginning to think I didn’t deserve her, but that wasn’t going to stop me from doing everything I could to hold on to her forever. I’d never be able to love someone the way I loved her.
Feeling a thickness in my throat, I didn’t trust myself to speak. So, I dropped my mouth to hers and kissed her again.
This time, the kiss got heated, and I found myself ready to go another round with her. I’d love to indulge myself and take it slow with her once more, clearly turning over a new leaf in the bedroom and loving every second of it.
But before I could do that, Reagan separated her mouth from mine and asked, “What else?”
I blinked in surprise. “What else? What do you mean, what else?”
She giggled, and the sound sent waves of warmth through me. I could have listened to that sound for the rest of my life and never tire of it. Maybe that’s what happened when I believed for far too many weeks that I’d never get to hear her happy ever again. “Does kissing me distract you that much?”
Brushing my nose along the side of her face, I inhaled the scent of her. “There’s a lot that you do that distracts me, Reagan. Kissing is one of the obvious things.”
“Oh? What’s something that’s not so obvious, then?”
I chuckled, looking down at her and feeling something swell in my chest. “Listening to you laugh like you just did.”
“Laughing?”
“Yep.”
“That seems silly.”
I shrugged. “I can’t help it. I love seeing you happy, and it makes me think of all the ways I can make you happier.”
As I wagged my brows at her, she rolled her eyes at me. “Oh, whatever. Back to my original question. You said that you had two things we could do to help ourselves forgive and move forward. The first was you taking me out on a date. What’s the second?”
My fingers traced lightly over her collarbone, my eyes watching their movement along her soft skin. “It’s a bit more serious.”
“Should I be worried?”
Returning my attention to her face, I shook my head. “No. But I think it’s important, even if it’s bound to be emotional or difficult.”
Trepidation leaked into her expression. “You’re not helping me to feel less worried.”
I dropped my head down and kissed her bare shoulder. As I continued to trail random paths along her skin, I explained, “You told me something deeply personal and integral to your life that morning after we woke up in that place. I learned at least some truth about your past in a place where I couldn’t respond or react the way I would have wanted to. The two of us spent a year telling ourselves—and each other—that we didn’t want anything more than just a physical relationship. I think it would help for us to address with each other why that is. You told me about your parents, Reagan, and I hated that I couldn’t say and do all the things I wanted to in that moment. So, I want us to take the opportunity to talk to each other tonight at dinner about what brought us together the way we were. As much as I want to learn everything about you, I want you to learn everything there is to learn about me. I want you to know why I was so afraid to fall in love, and why I’m so happy that I somehow managed to do it with you.”
The air in the room changed in a way I hadn’t expected, and Reagan’s expression was filled with hope and curiosity and happiness. “For someone who wanted nothing to do with romantic relationships, I think you’re excelling at this already. I’ve wondered so much about you, Hart. It’s why I’ve called you my mystery man from the beginning. And I can’t wait to learn everything there is to learn about you. Good or bad, I want it all.”
I’d avoided sharing these parts of my life with anyone. I never saw the need to. And though there was a time when I would have found it strange to want to share with someone or for anyone to ever want to know the truth about my life, I could confidently say I understood why Reagan wanted the good and the bad. Because I wanted all of that from her, too. There wasn’t anything I didn’t want to know about her.
Smiling at her, I went in for another kiss. “Then I’m going to give it all to you, Reagan.”
“We could start now,” she reasoned, the hope in her voice unmistakable.
“We could. But how much time are you going to need to get yourself ready for our date?”
“Maybe an hour?”
I pressed my lips together and nodded slowly. “Yeah. See, the thing is, I think it’d help tremendously if we spent just a bit more time getting physically reacquainted with one another. I haven’t had a taste of you in months.”
“We just had sex, Hart.”
My mouth captured hers, my tongue sweeping into her mouth. I took my time, exploring and tasting her, before I pulled back and said, “I wanted a different kind of taste, shortcake.”
Her body shivered. “Oh.”
“Are you alright with me putting my face between your legs for a bit?”
Reagan bit her lip and rasped, “Yeah.”
I grinned at her. “Good. I promise we’ll talk about everything else tonight.”
Without waiting for a response, I kissed my way down her body until I got right where I wanted to be. One taste was all it took for me to know it had been far too long without her. One taste for me to know I wasn’t moving until I was no longer starving for her. One taste to know I was never letting her go.