Twenty-four
TWENTY-FOUR
Reagan
“You seem unsettled.”
While there was no question that I was feeling something rather tremendous, I wasn’t sure being uncomfortable was the way I would describe my current state.
I wasn’t sure I’d ever felt this good in my entire life. Perhaps that was where his assessment was coming from. I was merely unaccustomed to what I was experiencing with him now that it probably came off as me being uneasy.
But that couldn’t have been further from the truth.
Everything about this entire day was beyond my wildest expectations. I’d gone from simply hoping I’d be able to talk to Hart and work things out with him to this.
After we’d spent the better part of the afternoon in his bed, getting reacquainted with one another, I went home to get ready for our date. It wasn’t much later when Hart showed up—looking as handsome as ever—and made it clear he loved everything about the way I looked.
He stepped forward, slipped an arm around my waist, and kissed me senseless. “I thought I’d know what to expect, considering I’ve seen you in skirts or dresses when I’d meet you on your lunch break, but those don’t compare to this. You look absolutely stunning.”
Hart wasn’t shy about showing and sharing his appreciation for the effort I’d put into getting myself dolled up for this special occasion. And he’d gone the extra mile by bringing me to The Ridge, the swankiest restaurant in town.
Now that we were here and had placed our orders for dinner with our server, it seemed I wasn’t doing such a good job of proving to Hart how good I was feeling about all of this.
“I’m sorry if it seems that way. I promise I’m not feeling troubled at all. Honestly, I think I’m just feeling heaps of joy and awe. And if I’m entirely honest, there’s probably a bit of disbelief in there, too.”
He smiled at me. “You weren’t anticipating we’d ever wind up here, were you?”
I shook my head. “Not at all.”
“That makes two of us,” Hart shared. “But you are happy to be here, right?”
Though I couldn’t see it, I could feel the size of the smile on my face. I was positive I hadn’t ever smiled at Hart the way I was smiling at him now. “I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, Hart. I don’t think there are enough words in the world to express just how grateful I am that we’re here together. Plus, the fact that I’m going to get parts of you tonight that I’ve been curious about for more than a year now is like icing on the cake.”
Hart chuckled and reached his hand across the table to cover one of mine. His thumbs stroked lightly over my knuckles. “Well, I don’t want to make you wait any longer. I could start now, if you think you’re ready for it.”
I’d wanted this for such a long time; it was no surprise my belly was a bundle of nerves. “I’m ready.”
The silence stretched between us for a few beats before Hart spoke. “Love hurts.”
“What?”
“You said those two words to me more than a year ago,” he began again. “It blew my mind that anyone else could ever put into words precisely what I’d felt for nearly all my life.”
My brows drew together. I’d recalled saying those words to Hart, but I hadn’t realized they’d stuck with him. “What happened?”
For a brief moment, his gaze lowered to the table. I waited and watched, my heart already aching for whatever horrible circumstances he’d endured. Had he experienced a bad breakup?
When Hart’s eyes met mine, he shook his head. “This feels wrong.”
“What?”
“As much as I believe you deserve to know the truth about why I never wanted to pursue anything more with you than the simple arrangement we had, I’m not quite sure my reasons are justifiable.”
“What does that mean?”
He grimaced. “Your parents abandoned you when you were a baby.”
I nodded. “Yes. I know that. What does that have to do with you?”
“It feels wrong for me to complain about anything when you didn’t have any family in your life.”
Instinctively, I flipped my hand over and linked my fingers with his. “I’m not looking for us to compare our pasts and outdo one another, Hart. I just want to know who you are and what happened to make you the man that you are.”
He considered those words and gave me a nod of understanding. “My grandmother is the only member of my family I speak to. She’s my dad’s mother, and she feels as much disdain for him as any mother could feel for her son.”
While I did believe Hart had gone through something heartbreaking to make him agree to the arrangement we’d come up with, I never expected anything like this.
This was already heading in a direction I hadn’t anticipated. I’d convinced myself that Hart was going to tell me about one or two really difficult breakups. That he’d brought up his grandmother and his father told me I was dreadfully unprepared for where this conversation was heading. Had both of us experienced abandonment by our parents? Is that why he’d had such a strong reaction when I told him about me being abandoned as a baby?
My hand squeezed his. “Tell me what happened.”
“My father decided to follow in his father’s footsteps by being a verbally and physically abusive jerk,” Hart revealed. “He was always angry, and even if he was mad about something that had nothing to do with me, I received the brunt of his frustration.”
I gasped, my free hand flying up to cover my mouth. “He… he hit you?”
Hart shrugged, sending me a look that made it seem as though he didn’t think it was a big deal.
“How old were you?”
Swallowing roughly, he hesitated. “I can’t remember a time when he was ever nice to me.”
My heart was breaking at the thought of Hart being so young and not having the love of his father. “What about your mom? Didn’t she step in to stop it?”
Hart offered a slight shake of his head in response. “She wasn’t nearly as bad as him when it came to the abuse, but she was no saint, either. I think my mom was in love with the idea of having a child, but she wasn’t what a mother is supposed to be. My grandmother told me a story about how, when I was ten months old, we’d all gone out to celebrate my dad’s birthday. Apparently, my mom had sat me down on the table in front of her while they waited for the food to be brought out. Being a baby, I guess I was exploring and touching everything around me. I knocked over her soda, spilling it everywhere, and instead of her realizing it was not my fault, she slapped me across the face.”
I gasped again, tears filling my eyes.
Hart had tried to make it seem as though what he’d endured as a child was nowhere near as bad as what I had been through, but I saw it differently. Maybe my parents did me a favor by abandoning me. Sure, I didn’t exactly live in the lap of luxury, nor did I have anyone show me what it was to be genuinely loved and cared for, but at least I hadn’t been abused like that.
A ten-month-old baby being slapped across the face because he’d done what any normal human being would expect him to do in that situation.
And to think that Hart said his mother wasn’t nearly as bad as his father. I didn’t even want to imagine the horrors he must have experienced at the hands of his parents.
My heart ached for the man sitting across from me.
And that feeling only grew when something I’d said to him popped into my mind. My chest tightened painfully. I rubbed my palm against it to soothe the ache there, but it was no use.
At that moment, our server returned with our dinner salads. Fortunately, Hart was able to thank her for them, because I couldn’t bring myself to speak.
Once she was gone, Hart squeezed my hand. “Are you okay?”
I shook my head, remaining silent.
Disappointment leaked into Hart’s features. “I’m sorry. This was probably too much. Maybe we should have saved the conversation for some time other than our first date.”
“No. No, I’m glad I know. I want to hear about it. I just… Hart, I’m so sorry. For what you endured and for what I said.”
Disappointment turned to confusion. “What you said? What did you say?”
I winced as I recalled the words I’d spouted. “That morning, when I told you about my parents abandoning me, I asked you how bad your life was that you would get off on abusing women to right the wrongs done to you. Oh, God, I’m so sorry for what I said. Everything about how you reacted makes so much sense now. I couldn’t understand why you wouldn’t acknowledge anything I said and just walked out of that room, but I get it now.”
“Reagan, I didn’t tell you this to make you feel bad about the things you said to me when we were in that awful place,” Hart insisted. “I don’t hold any of that against you, and I certainly don’t blame you for speaking to me like I was the man I led you to believe back then. Me telling you about this now is purely to share my life with you, to let you know what stopped me from pursuing a relationship with you the way I should have from the start. All my life, I’ve gotten reminders of why love hurts. My father showed me with his fists. My mother showed me by not protecting me from him. Even when I tried to ignore that, I thought I found something special in my high school girlfriend. When she cheated on me, I’d had enough. But then I went into the military, and I couldn’t help but form deep bonds with the men serving beside me. Unfortunately, when we were deployed in a war zone, I lost half of those men on the battlefield. That loss sealed the deal for me, and I’ve been hesitant to form any lasting connections.”
While I understood that Hart wanted to share these things with me, so I could understand his mindset—and even though I was grateful to have the understanding—I couldn’t do anything to ease the pain in my heart.
So much heartbreak and loss.
His hesitancy to get involved with anyone made complete sense, and I found myself staring at him with nothing but awe. How had he become such an incredible man through the undeniable adversity?
I’d remained silent for so long, both contemplating the answers to that question and digesting everything, that Hart felt compelled to share more.
“Despite my insistence not to develop friendships or relationships where I cared too much and would wind up hurt again, those very things found me anyway, Reagan.” There was a sense of peace and happiness and warmth in his features, all of which eased some of the tension I’d been feeling. “I’ve been working closely with the men at Harper Security Ops for years, and I trust those men with my life. I’d be lying if I said it wouldn’t bother me if something happened to any one of them. And beyond those men, there was you.”
I smiled at him, glad he seemed to be at peace with where his life had led him.
He returned the smile and said, “You are easily the biggest and best surprise of my whole life. And I can’t tell you how grateful I am that you were out buying a birdhouse the same day I was.”
My heart melted. I never thought I’d have this, and I had a feeling it was going to take me some time to get used to it. “I’m so relieved you were there that day and that I urged you to take the birdhouse. Otherwise, you would have gone on never recognizing me at the deli.”
“I recognized you.”
I jerked back, blinking in surprise. “Yeah. After that encounter with the birdhouse.”
Hart shook his head slowly, his lips twitching. “I noticed you long before that. Four months, to be precise.”
“No, Hart, you didn’t. When we were at the store that day, you told me I looked familiar, but you couldn’t place me.”
He sent me a look that indicated he hoped I’d forgive him for what he was about to share. “I’m afraid I was merely pretending. I didn’t want you to think I was some creep. But trust me, Reagan, I was calling you shortcake in my head long before we ever spoke.”
My eyes widened in shock. This whole time, I thought he hadn’t taken any real notice of me until we’d both tried purchasing that same birdhouse. As it turned out, before we’d ever spoken a single word to one another, he’d had a nickname for me like I’d had for him. “I don’t know what to say.”
“There’s nothing to say. Just know that I was pulled to you from the start. If anything, that should have told me everything I needed to know about who you were going to be in my life.”
I sat back in my seat and dropped my gaze to my plate. I’d anticipated this dinner with Hart being eye-opening, but I wasn’t prepared for the onslaught of emotions it brought about.
“Why does it seem like you’re struggling so much right now?”
Inhaling deeply, I lifted my chin and focused my attention on Hart again. “Nobody has ever loved me the way you do. Nobody has ever loved me at all.”
Hart’s features softened as he sent a sympathetic look my way. “Since we’re sharing it all tonight, why don’t you tell me more about that?”
I’d shared most of it already—the major details, anyway—but I figured it wouldn’t hurt to give him all of it. Throughout dinner, I shared my life with him. The abandonment by my parents and the time I spent in the foster care system. I told him about coming to the realization that I’d only ever have myself to depend on, and the determination to fight for myself that understanding fueled.
Hart listened, offering words of comfort throughout, and shared some stories of his own past as well. It was nice to have someone to talk to, to finally share the burden with, and I hoped he felt the same.
By the time our dessert was brought out, Hart smiled at me from across the table and said, “I know we’ve talked about a lot tonight, but there’s one more thing I want to discuss with you.”
“What’s that?”
“Your house.”
My body froze. “My house?”
“There’s a sign in your front yard.”
Nodding, I explained, “I can’t go back there. I’ve tried. And doing what I do for a living, it’ll be easy for me to find something else down the road. For now, I’m just going to stay in the townhouse.”
Hart digested my words and took some time to consider them. “Are you sure?”
“Yeah.” I smiled at him. “I’m making other fresh starts in my life, so I think the house should be another one.”
“If you need my help with any of it, moving your things out or otherwise, you’ve got it,” he assured me.
“Thanks, Hart. It means a lot.”
He shrugged. “I love you. And I’m going to do whatever it takes to prove that to you every day.”
The love I felt for him consumed me. Every time he said those three words to me, I wanted to cry tears of joy. “I hope you know how special you are. I’ve never felt about anyone the way I feel about you. And I’m convinced I’m never going to be able to show you just how much I love you, too.”
Hart reached across the table again. “I think we’re going to be okay, shortcake. You don’t have to try so hard to accomplish that. I saw how badly you were hurting. You wouldn’t have been that way if you didn’t love me.”
He was right.
That was precisely what Mallory had said when she saw me, too. I thought it was so much more complicated than it was. But I guess that was to be expected when I’d never experienced it before.
I squeezed his hand back and beamed at him. “Yeah. I think you’re right. We’re going to be okay.”
With that, Hart and I finished our dessert.
And for the first time in my life, I felt like I finally understood what it meant to be home. Because home wasn’t a place. It wasn’t a house or an apartment. It was a feeling, a feeling that I’d only ever experienced with Hart.
* * *
Two weeks later
“I’m nervous.”
“Don’t be. She’s going to go crazy over you. Almost as much as I already have.”
I exhaled deeply to calm myself. “If you say so.”
Hart leaned across the center console and gave me a sweet kiss. “Trust me, Reagan. You’ve got nothing to worry about. Now, wait until I come around to open your door.”
A moment later, Hart exited the vehicle. I watched him as he rounded it to meet me on my side and open my door. For the next few seconds, Hart held my hand as he walked with me to the front door of his grandmother’s house.
And as we waited for her to answer the door, I felt the nerves build in my belly. This woman was the only person who’d loved and looked after Hart the way he deserved when he was young. What if he was wrong? What if she didn’t like me?
“Breathe, shortcake.”
I released my breath and squeezed his hand tighter. The next thing I knew, we heard the lock on her door. When she opened it, her eyes landed on Hart. “I’m ready to g— Who is this?”
“Gram, I have someone I’d like for you to meet.”
Gram didn’t respond with words. Her jaw fell open and stayed open while her eyes darted between Hart and me.
“Reagan, this is my gram, Dottie Anderson. Gram, this is my girlfriend, Reagan Stuart.”
“It’s lovely to meet you.” I extended my hand to her, but Hart’s grandmother didn’t take it.
There was no questioning the state of her disbelief. “Are you… Is this for real?”
Hart laughed. “Yes, this is for real.”
Gram’s eyes settled on me. Tears filled her eyes as she stepped forward and framed my face gently in her hands. “Oh, you’re beautiful. Reagan, is it?”
“Yes,” I squeaked.
She removed her hands from my face and wrapped her arms around me. “This is the best day of my life. Oh, I’m so happy. How long have you two been together?”
“Two weeks,” I answered at the same time Hart replied, “Almost a year and a half.”
At that declaration, I grew concerned about Dottie Anderson’s health. I was desperately hoping she didn’t have heart problems, because it seemed this news came as the ultimate shock to her.
“That’s a big discrepancy,” she noted.
“Reagan and I have been seeing each other for more than a year now, but we only made things official between us two weeks ago,” Hart explained.
Understanding dawned on her features. “So, this is the real deal?”
I smiled at her and nodded. “Yes.”
“And you’re both taking me to my hair appointment?” she pressed.
“That was the plan.”
She shifted her attention between the two of us again. “Oh, the girls at the salon are going to be so disappointed.”
My brows pulled together. “Why is that?”
“They’ve been wanting to set their single granddaughters up with my grandson for years.”
I pressed my lips together to stifle a grin as I glanced up at Hart. He was beaming at me, the smile lighting up his entire face.
“Hey, Gram?”
“Yes?”
“After you get your hair done, I’d like to take my two favorite women out for lunch. Would that be okay with you?”
Happiness leaked into her features. “That’ll be wonderful. I can’t wait to learn all about Reagan. She’s got to be pretty special if she’s managed to get you to commit.”
“There’s nobody like her, Gram. I can assure you of that.”
My heart swelled.
All the nerves I’d been feeling had been for nothing.
“I’m just going to grab my purse so we can go.”
“Take your time.”
As she strolled back into the house to grab her purse, Hart and I waited by the door. I turned fully to face him, and he didn’t hesitate to wrap me in his arms for a hug. “I told you there was nothing to worry about.”
“I’ve never done this before. I wasn’t quite sure what to expect.”
Still smiling, Hart leaned down to touch his lips to mine in a chaste kiss as he squeezed me a bit tighter.
We were so caught up in one another that we didn’t notice Gram had her eyes on us, watching and tearing up.
But after we picked her up from her hair appointment and Hart took us out for lunch, she took her time to get to know me, doing it while making sure she gave me all the reasons to never want to leave Hart.
I appreciated her efforts, but they weren’t necessary.
This man adored me. I wasn’t about to go anywhere.