CHAPTER 4 BEN
“What’s going on, son?” my dad asks.
I blow out a breath as I grip the handrail overlooking the forest. This is supposed to be my sanctuary. The place where I can just be me. The place where nothing ever gets to me.
Instead, I can’t be here.
All I can think about is how I’m allowing the sweet sunshine to set, and now I’ll be engulfed in darkness.
I feel like a child afraid of the dark even as I think it.
I don’t want the sunshine to go, but it’s the only way I can protect her. She always deserved better than me, and I thought for a brief moment in time that I could be enough for her. I was wrong.
All it took was Tatum to remind me of that.
I thought Kaylee and I were perfect together.
The truth was that she carried more than her weight to make up for everything I lack.
I need her to go. I need her to get out of here. I need her to fly safely back to Vegas and move on with her life. But at the same time, the darkness is already creeping in on me.
I need her.
I need her here with me, by my side, as my wife.
I blew it.
We all knew I would, but I never thought it would be at the hands of someone else.
“I just realized I couldn’t be with her,” I say flatly.
He won’t believe me. And he shouldn’t. He knows me better than anybody—almost. Kaylee might top that list at this point.
“Why?” he asks.
“Just leave it be, Jeb.” I try but fail to inject a warning into my tone.
“You know I can't do that, Benjamin.”
I blow out a breath. “Why not?”
He claps my shoulder for a second. “Because I've seen you at your worst and I've seen you at your best, but I've never seen you like you are with her.” He shakes his head a little, gripping the railing the same way I am as we both stare out into the darkness.
“Something happened. You wouldn't duck out on her lightly. Talk to me, kid. It’s okay to let it out with me.”
I pause a bit while I contemplate what to do here. I trust my dad with my life, but I also know he would want to get involved and make things right—especially since he’s dating her mom now.
That is something I can't afford—not with Tatum’s threats against Kaylee and against me. I just need some time to figure this out, and I wish it could all go back to how it was after that, but I don’t think it can. Not knowing how shit like this will happen again and again.
She’s always deserved more than me, and now that’s what I have to allow her to find.
“Nothing happened.” My tone is flat on the lie. “I just realized it wasn't going to last.” That much is true, I guess.
“You got scared,” my dad muses.
I shake my head. “That’s not what it's about.”
We're both quiet a few beats and then eventually my dad breaks the silence. “You know where I am when you're ready.”
“Thanks,” I whisper. I do know and I appreciate it more than my single word conveys.
The slider door opens aggressively a minute later and Jack steps out. He all but slams the door behind him and sidles up beside me.
“You know, I could have sworn that just yesterday we had a talk about you not hurting my little sister.” He pauses and I grip the railing a little harder. “Seems to me she is hurting pretty badly right now.”
“Yeah, well, she's not alone,” I mutter.
“Why are you doing this?”
My dad excuses himself quietly and heads back inside.
I shake my head. “Guess I just realized it wasn't right before it was too late.”
“You were both pretty damn convincing that it was right yesterday,” he points out. “Something’s not adding up.”
“It's pretty simple. I just hope it won't affect the locker room.”
“How can it not?” he asks. “I feel like I don't even know you anymore and I'm supposed to be able to read you well enough to execute a play?”
“I'm still the same guy.” I keep my tone flat and calm even though an inferno is raging inside me at the insinuation I’d be anything other than professional on the field. “We've connected enough times that you'll still be able to read me the same way you always have.”
He shakes his head. “Nah,” he says, and I know what he’s doing.
He’s instigating. He’s trying to get me to admit why I’m doing this.
“I don't think so. The guy I know never would've done what you did. He never would've pretended like he had real feelings for someone who was vulnerable only to smash not just her heart but her entire belief in good men and love.” He finally turns and looks at me. “That was all you. And if you think what you’re doing won’t affect the locker room, you're an even bigger idiot than I thought.”
I force myself not to let his words get to me even though they definitely have. “I guess we'll find out at the end of this month.”
“Yeah,” he snorts. “I guess.”
He turns to head back inside, and just before he gets to the slider door that will finally give me a second of peace once he steps through it, he turns back toward me. I brace myself for whatever his words are going to be.
It doesn't matter what he says here though. I will punish myself far more than any words he could issue in this moment.
“I thought you were a good guy,” he mutters. “You had me fooled. You’re nothing but a coward.”
I press my lips together as the slider door slams closed. This is just a blip in our friendship…right?
We’ll move forward once the season starts. Kaylee will move on. We’ll put all this behind us.
I can’t lose my best friend and the woman I love in the same day.
But his words ring around my head. He’s right. I’m scared, so I’m running—but not because of the reasons they all think.
It’s fine.
I’ll let them think it.
It’s easier for me to shoulder their anger than try to explain the truth anyway.
There should be some easy solution here, but I'm not seeing it.
I could have spared her feelings and not broken things off today but there's always going to be someone else waiting around the corner with lies. I don’t know how I can expect her to stand by and believe in me when I'm not even sure I believe in myself.
And I think ultimately that's what this boils down to. I can't expect her to keep giving me second, third, and fourth chances. I want her to have that quiet life on that huge plot of land with the husband and the kids in the complete picture that I won't be able to give her.
So maybe Jack sees me as a coward, but the way I see it…I'm just doing what I have to do to protect her.