CHAPTER 7 KAYLEE
When the plane was in the air, I still felt a tiny connection with Ben. I wasn’t quite back home yet.
But as soon as the wheels touch down, it’s like the signal of a new beginning.
It’s not the new beginning I want to have, not the one I expected to have upon landing back in Vegas, but it’s the one I’m being forced into at the moment.
Life is a series of choices. Some are made for us, while we have some control over others.
I can’t control this one, but I can control what comes next.
I just don’t know what that looks like.
I don’t want to move back in with Jack—not when he and Ben are so close. I don’t want to relive all the memories and the secrets of the start of our relationship. Sex against Jack’s front door. Ben’s hand up my skirt under the dining room table. Tender moments on the couch.
My mom and Luke both offered me a room, and I think I’m going to stay with Luke a while. It’ll allow me time to work with Ellie at PCPR as I figure out what direction I want to go next.
And I can’t stop thinking about that job opportunity in San Diego.
Part of me feels like I’ll be running away if I take it, but part of me kind of wants to run away right now. Ben is so tied into every aspect of my life that moving and starting a new job direction might be the only thing that will help untangle some of that mess.
Still, though, as I look at my family surrounding me on this airplane, it’s hard to imagine moving to a state where none of them live.
It took a long time to get all of us in the same geographical location, and I love having everybody within a few miles.
We’ve never been closer in my entire life, and if I leave, I’m the one breaking that up when it was all I ever wanted for my family.
I wish I could blame Ben, to say that it’s him who’s breaking it up, but deep down I know that isn’t true.
This is one of those opportunities where I can take control, and it’s me making the decision here.
I think that’s what makes the choice so damn hard.
I’d be giving up a lot for the chance at something else, I guess, and I’m not sure it’s what I want.
It might be what I need, though.
Ellie comes with me to Ben’s place. She helps me pack up the essentials, and we move quickly so I don’t have time to dwell on what I’ve lost over the last couple days.
I move into one of the guest rooms at Luke and Ellie’s house, and I don’t bother unpacking most of my stuff or hanging décor to personalize the space.
I feel like I’ve bounced around so much over the last few months that I’m not fully unpacking my shit until I’m in a place that feels like mine.
Maybe it’ll be in California. Maybe not.
We’re sitting at dinner and I’m watching Luke feed Nolan mashed potatoes when I lose it.
I start to cry, and I’m not even sure why.
I want to say it’s because of Ben, but I’m not entirely sure that’s the reason.
“Are you okay?” Ellie asks.
“Yeah,” I mumble, wiping away a tear. “I’m fine.
” My eyes continue to train on Nolan, and I’m not sure why in this moment I’m so emotional.
It might be the thought of having the chance for everything I ever wanted again, or maybe it’s the thought of everything I was willing to give up for Ben.
I thought having kids was something I could live without, but the more time I spend around my nephews, the more I realize it isn’t a compromise I ever should have had to make.
And that thought feels like it puts the final nail in the coffin of what Ben and I shared. It’s over. Really and truly…for both of us.
If it’s right, it should be all the way right. Nobody should have to give up anything.
I want that realization to be more comforting than it is.
I head up to my bedroom after dinner, grateful to have a place to stay that isn’t Ben’s house even though it’s temporary.
I cry myself to sleep as Ben’s words roll around my mind for the hundredth time.
I thought he was different, but ultimately, he made me feel like the combination of being the little sister and who my brothers are is what drove him to end it between us…
and that feels pretty damn heartbreaking.
As soon as the office opens in the morning, I call my doctor. Since it’s a head injury that occurred six weeks ago, they’re concerned enough to get me in for a same-day appointment.
Ellie and Luke are both up early working in their offices, and I grab a quick breakfast before I slip out undetected.
I head toward the doctor, and I mostly feel fine.
It’s strange a head injury could cause so much nausea, and that’s a thought I’ve had at least a million times over the last few weeks.
The medical assistant takes my vitals, and I wait patiently in my little paper robe for the doctor. She enters a few minutes later.
“What’s going on, Kaylee?” she asks.
“I hit my head about six weeks ago and was diagnosed with a concussion. I’ve had some lingering issues since then and just wanted to get checked out to make sure everything’s okay,” I say. I shift on the table.
Her brows draw together as she nods, and I really like this doctor. She makes me feel like she’s listening, like she cares. “What sort of lingering issues?”
“Mostly nausea.”
“How bad and how often?”
I lift a shoulder. “Daily for sure, usually a few times a day. And sometimes it’s bad enough to make me vomit.”
She nods. “Have you tracked what you’ve been eating and how long the nausea occurs afterward?”
I shake my head. “No, I haven’t. Should I be doing that?”
“No, no. Just curious if you’ve noticed any patterns. Is there any chance you could be pregnant?”
All the blood rushes out of my face as an icy cold realization suddenly grips my heart.
Oh shit.
“I missed a couple pills right after the concussion, but I got right back on track,” I say.
“Did you have unprotected sex within a week of missing the pills?” she asks.
“Yes,” I whisper.
She nods. “I’d like to have you take a quick test just to rule it out. Let me check you out while you’re in here and then I’ll have you leave a sample in the bathroom.”
She basically does a physical on me, checking out all the essential functions before telling me I’m looking good. She releases me to the bathroom, and I’m terrified as I pee in the cup I labeled with my name.
I return to the exam room, and I fidget as I sit there waiting for the results.
I can’t even think this through right now.
It can’t be true.
It can’t be.
He doesn’t want kids. He’s terrified of them.
He broke up with me. We’re over.
If the test is positive, I’m in this by myself.
I don’t even think I have the guts to tell my family. They’ll want him to know, he’ll come running back out of obligation, and that’s not something either of us wants for our future.
It’s too late for us.
And yet…there’s a chance the thing that’s been upsetting my stomach for the last few weeks has nothing to do with banging my head and everything to do with banging Ben Olson.