31. Astor
THIRTY-ONE
ASTOR
Weeks later I’m still reeling from the last challenge and what it means for continuing on with Legacy, but also with Rurik.
We haven’t done it again but I think about it a lot.
The fear and being forced. All the control taken out of my hands.
I want more but I haven’t worked up the nerve to ask him.
I’ve slowly been letting him deeper into my life and it’s comfortable. Much easier than I thought it would be. But the truth is, I sleep better when he’s here. My sleep paralysis has lessened, and the long grueling days don’t drag on so long. What a difference a couple of months make.
I can’t get used to it. I can’t leave myself vulnerable.
I keep telling myself I need to be careful because I won’t be allowed to keep him.
If my father even catches a whisper of it, he’ll be furious.
But the problem is, I don’t know how to keep my walls up with him.
No matter how much I fight, his claws dig further into my chest every day.
I’m trying not to think about how hard he’ll be to extract from all the places he’s wormed his way into when I leave here. But it’s not today’s problem.
I fight my heavy eyelids and normally I’d be asleep by now, but I’m reluctant without Rurik here since that’s the only time the demon returns.
Both Viv and Rurik are at their Legacy meeting, and I’m restless.
I need a fucking distraction but Rurik threatened Finn’s life and forbid him from taking me out again, and after the last time, I can’t really blame him.
A soft knock sounds on the frame of my door. I glance up to find my bodyguard with a tray, probably doing his last check before he left. “Did you want some tea before the shift change?”
“Sure.” Maybe it will help me settle.
He hands me the tray and closes the door behind him. I set it on my desk and make myself a cup, checking the clock again.
When did I turn into the guy waiting for him to return?
But he’s so cemented in my days now, it’s hard to recall a time when he wasn’t.
Ash: Are you going to be late tonight?
Rurik: Do you miss me?
Ash: hardly. I don’t want you to wake me when you return.
I’m not even sure why I hate admitting that I do, but I can’t. It feels like the moment I do it will be used against me. I can’t let him past my last layer of defense. I can’t let him break me.
Rurik: Don’t lie. You miss me.
Ash: I’m merely trying to get enough sleep.
Rurik: Whatever you say. I know the truth.
Arsehole. I should have blocked him when I realized he had my phone number.
Ash: You should know how important sleep is considering how often you complain about the hour I get up.
Rurik: So you’re saying you want me to fuck you into the mattress?
Fuck. My cock pulses behind my trousers just reading the line.
Ash: Not if you’re much later. I’m half asleep.
Rurik: Half hard too I bet.
Ash: Did you put cameras in my room?
I glance around not sure why I didn’t consider the idea before.
Rurik: No, but I should.
Rurik: Show me.
Ash: Show you what?
Rurik: Your dick. You basically admitted you are half hard.
Ash: I’m not sending that in a text!
Rurik: Come on, baby. I need to see him.
Ash: No.
Rurik: I miss him so badly.
I get a picture of the outline of his cock through his jeans. I groan in spite of myself.
I have no idea what comes over me but I snap a picture of my hand gripping my cock through my slacks and send it to him before I can think better of it.
Rurik: Baby!
Rurik: You should have heard the sound that just came out of me.
Rurik: Now the whole room is looking at me.
Ash: Too bad I’ll be asleep by the time you get back.
It feels good to be able to torture him back, even a little, with as much as he does it to me.
Feeling powerful I unbutton my slacks and take another photo. I stare at for a good thirty seconds. It’s not like me. None of this is. But I send it anyway craving his response.
Rurik: You’re killing me.
Ash: Am I? You haven’t even left yet.
Rurik: Don’t fucking doubt me. I would much rather be there.
Ash: If you say so.
I know I’m being an ass, but with as many times as he’s worked me up, it’s fair turn around.
Rurik: If my brother would stop asking fucking questions to our speaker, I’d be able to get out of here.
Ash: I’m going to lie down. I’m getting pretty tired so I’ll probably be asleep by the time you get here.
Rurik: I can work with that…
Ash: What?
Rurik: Not into somno?
Ash: What?
I consider searching the term, but decide if that it came out of Ru’s mouth, it’s best if I don’t.
Rurik: You don’t need to be awake for me to start.
A spark runs down my spine.
Ash: Is that a thing?
I’m not sure I want to know.
Rurik: Sleep sex? Yes.
Pre-cum leaks from my tip. The idea of him taking me like that makes my throat tighten with fear but I’m harder than ever. Do I really want him to violate me like that?
Ash: Do I stay asleep for it, or wake up?
Rurik: It depends on what you prefer. Some like to wake up during, others like to wake up and know they were used for their partner’s pleasure.
I swallow, throbbing. The idea should be revolting considering. But it’s not. Why would I be into that? My brain is so fucked up.
Ash: Maybe.
Do I like the idea because it’s similar to him forcing me?
Rurik: Not a no! Which makes it basically a yes.
I roll my eyes and go to the window, actually wanting him here before I fall asleep tonight, but still interested in somno. The idea of him joining me in my dreams is much more appealing than what I’m used to, and I like the idea of his warmth waking me in a much better way than the alternative.
Tiredness hits me like a wave crashing to shore. I don’t want to sleep yet, but it’s always worse when I hold out. The nightmares, the sleep paralysis. Sleep deprivation seems to be a major trigger for me. Which is one of the reasons I have a strict schedule.
I’m about to turn when a little glint catches my attention again. Another piece of sea glass. I pick it up and add it to the little dish on my desk that now holds half a dozen of them. He’s never said he was leaving them, but it has to be right?
I brush my teeth and wash my face, trying to put off sleep as long as possible. But it’s not long before I’m in bed and drifting.
The door opens, and I smile.
I try to pick my head up to greet him, but I can’t move.
Not again.
I attempt to move my limbs but they won’t budge.
Please let it be Rurik coming in and not anything else.
I can’t do this tonight.
I strain my ears listening for any hint of him.
The old boards on my floor creak, slicing through the silence like a knife. It has to be Rurik. Right? The demon never fucking makes noise like that. I work to get my eyes open, but they just won’t open.
Any second, he’ll touch me.
Come on, Rurik. Just wake me up.
But the longer the seconds stretch, the more I don’t think it’s him.
Icy fingers crawl over my skin, and a scream bubbles up in my throat, but no sound comes out. My lips are glued shut. I fight again to open my eyes.
Stop. Please stop.
A silent sob grips my throat.
A nail skims up my back and my stomach wretches as memories of what the demon takes penetrate my mind. It’s awful breath on my neck. Skin slapping as it takes me harder, violently driving itself into both my holes.
Please no.
I’m begging my brain to give me control of my body back. To not allow this to happen again. It was such a good night. It hasn’t touched me in so long. I can’t go back to this. All of me recoils, wanting to sink back into unconsciousness, but my brain won’t let me.
It always starts off painfully slow and I’m defenseless. A caress here, a drag of its nails, fondling any part of me it wants while I can’t fight back.
I live between touches, sick to my stomach at what it will do to me.
Another icy touch, and its hot breath is in my ear.
I gag. But I finally get my eyes open, and they dart around the room, searching for it. But I suspect it’s behind me. Now I want to close my eyes again and try to forget.
A tear streams down my cheek, and I cling to the sensation like it might break me from my prison. But I can’t get out, so I’m trapped, waiting for the demon to have its way with me.
“Ash.” A warm, living hand touches my shoulder, thawing my frozen body a bit.
I meet his eyes, trying to convey I’m stuck.
He puts his face in front of mine.
I just hope he can see the frantic need in my eyes before the demon touches me again.
“Baby.” He brushes his lips over mine. “I got you. Let me help.”
He climbs into bed with me and delicately rubs his hands over my exposed skin, slowly bringing feeling back into my limbs. It takes an agonizingly long time but he’s patient.
Finally, I gasp for breath, snapping back into control of my body. “Fuck.”
He cups my face, kissing me deeper. “Are you okay?”
I shake my head squeezing my eyes shut as tears free flow. He climbs in on top of me, grounding me with his weight. I wrap my arms around him, hugging his body to mine, needing all the contact to erase the memory of its touch.
“That time seemed way worse than the last time.”
I nod, unable to speak the horror of it.
He brushes his fingers into my hair. “It’s more than just a thing in your room, isn’t it?”
My heart sinks into my stomach and I bury my face in his neck.
How do I even begin to explain any of this to him?
It feels like a secret I’ve been keeping my whole life.
My inside world and my outside one. I do as much as I can to keep them from touching.
I’m so disgusted with myself. What kind of child mind just contrives a demon, let alone one who does that?
It’s got to be my fault. What kind of sick and twisted person’s imagination comes up with something so foul?
This is not something a normal person would think of.
I’m so disgusted with myself and maybe I deserve to suffer the horrors of my own mind.
“Baby.” He’s softer than before and I don’t deserve it.
I shake my head. “I can’t tell you.”