34. Astor
THIRTY-FOUR
ASTOR
We stay at his place more often. It’s lively. Like a big family. Viv comes with us a lot, and Finn too sometimes, believing they’re just my boyfriend’s family, who are friends with Viv. I’ve never seen this side of her. She fits right in with all of them.
Meeting Rurik’s family let me see a whole other side of him. He’s softer but also more reserved with them. He cares deeply for them too, that much is abundantly clear. I can tell he’s a caretaker. Kiho and Nik come to him when they need things. And I hate to say it, but it endears him more to me.
I guess we really are dating, although this is never how I expected courting to look.
The possibility of getting to hold on to this for a couple of years brings me more joy than I thought possible.
It’s my first taste of what I think normal life would look like if I wasn’t born into a royal line.
It makes me envious of a reality I’m not allowed to want.
But even if it doesn’t last when I have to go back, I’ll have had it. And getting to hold the memories in my mind will be worth the pain losing him will bring. Or so I have to tell myself.
I lay my head on Rurik’s shoulder, fighting sleep while they all play video games.
“You’re tired.” Rurik jerks to the side swinging his controller wildly. He plays with his entire body.
“I’m fine.” I yawn not helping my case.
“I think it’s time for bed.” Rurik scoops me up like I weigh nothing.
“I’m not asleep.” I slip an arm around his middle.
“Sure you aren’t,” he laughs, then says goodnight to all of them before carrying me up the stairs.
His room is calm and cozy. Not like I expected it to be.
It’s large, with a full sitting room in front of a fireplace on one side and his bed on the other.
He has a full ensuite and walk-in closet.
Much nicer than my smallish room. The newer building is further away from campus with much more modern room sizes and amenities.
Which makes it’s even more surprising he spent as much time cramped in mine with all this waiting for him. But he’s still there every day, waiting for me when I finish class. We just come here for or after dinner.
The nights he and Viv have Legacy meetings late, he stays with me.
I’ve stopped going to bed until he gets back.
Even when they are out long past midnight, I wait up.
I can’t bear sleeping alone anymore. For some reason, my nightmares hit me harder those nights.
I haven’t told him that’s what I’m doing, just that I want to see him, and I think he believes me.
I don’t want him to worry about me. There isn’t anything he can do about my own brain torturing me, and soon enough, I’ll be at those meetings with him.
So what’s a little more lost sleep?
Viv corners me next time I’m home alone, which is rare now. I honestly don’t know how Rurik isn’t failing all his classes.
“Hey, you. Want a cup?” She holds up the kettle.
“Sure.” I curl up in my usual seat in the living room, and she joins me a few minutes later, setting a cup down next to me. “Are you going to the meeting tonight?”
“You know the schedule better than I do at this point.” She sits across from me. “Yes. I think so.”
I try to read, but I know Viv has something on her mind. “Just say what you want to say.”
She purses her lips for a moment but then relents. “Are you doing okay?”
“Yes,” I say automatically, but that seems to make it worse.
“I hate that you feel like you need to lie to me.”
I put my bookmark in and set it aside. “I promise I am fine.”
“You don’t look fine.” She leans forward, resting her elbows on her knees. “The circles under your eyes are getting worrying. You look sick.”
“I’ve just been sleeping like shit. It’s not a big deal.”
Her frown deepens. “Is Rurik keeping you up all night? I’ll kick his arse.”
I laugh genuinely. “No. He helps me sleep. I sleep worse with both of you out half the night.”
With things gearing up to their last event, they’ve been gone a lot more, and a lot later. I get it but it’s not conducive to my early mornings. I don’t know how Rurik is managing.
She doesn’t soften. “And it’s not like we can fix it. Locke is a tyrant sometimes.”
I offer a smile. “It’s okay. There is nothing you can do.”
“Are you sure you’re in this willingly?” she asks again, this time studying my face for any hint of descent.
“I wish I could say no, but I can’t. I am.” I’m not even sure when it changed, but somewhere in between moments, he became irreplaceable. “I think I’m in love with him.” The words tumble out almost before I realize what I’m saying, but I don’t need to take them back. It’s the truth.
This fucking psycho arsehole did it. He made me fall in love with him.
I almost laugh but I don’t need Viv to think I’ve totally lost it so I just smile.
Viv gasps and jumps to her feet. “Shut the fuck up.”
I chew my lip, not sure if this is positive or negative. “I’m serious.”
She dives at me, hugging me, which I hope means she’s happy? “Astor!”
“You think I’m an idiot, don’t you?”
We both know how my father will react.
She grabs my face so I’ll look at her. “No. I would never think that. All I’ve ever wanted was for you to be happy, and I wasn’t sure it was going to happen with how dedicated you are to sacrificing everything for Rain.”
“I can’t help it. I love Rainier, too.”
“But you deserve to have this. You can’t not have a life so he gets the crown.” She keeps ahold of me so I can’t look away.
“I’ve made a pledge to him. It’s my duty.”
“Stop with the lies your dad has filled your head with your whole life. You do not owe your life for his. And I get you love him, and he deserves it, but let yourself have some happiness too…even if it has to be with Rurik.” She cracks a teasing smile at the end.
I nod, though I’m not sure how I can have it all. The promises I’ve made conflict too much, and I can’t see a way to make it work.
“What if I don’t get into Legacy?” I ask when she finally releases me and we go back to our seats.
“You will. Between Rurik and I, you will.”
I’m anxious and pacing my room long after Viv leaves.
Rurik: I’m going to be late.
I’m already feeling my fatigue, and it’s so early.
Ash: how late?
I press my eyes closed so soul deep tired I don’t know how I’ll stay awake until he gets home.
Rurik: At least an hour.
Rurik: I’m sorry we got started late.
Ash: It’s okay.
Rurik: Please try and sleep before I get home.
Rurik: You’ve been tired as fuck and need it, baby.
I guess he noticed what I’m doing.
Ash: I’m fine. I’ll wait up.
Rurik: Is that a good idea?
Ash: I have to.
Rurik: You don’t have to.
Ash: Yes I do.
Rurik: Why?
Rurik: What’s wrong?
Ash: If I sleep I’ll have nightmares.
I don’t bother lying. I’m too tired to make something up, but I can’t bring myself to say more. It’s already hard enough to admit to him that I’m scared to sleep.
Rurik: I’ll try to leave early.
Ash: You don’t have to do that. I’ll go for a walk. I know you have to be there.
It’s not like their training is optional. It’s what I’m trying to get in for.
Rurik: Don’t go for a walk alone. I don’t like the idea of that.
Ash: It’s not a big deal.
Rurik: It’s dark.
Ash: We live in one of the safest places in the world.
Rurik: Don’t. I’m fucking serious.
My phone rings before I can reply. But it’s not Rurik. It’s my father.
My blood runs cold, but I don’t dare not answer.
“I’ve been told you’ve been spending nights away.”
“No…” How does he know? Did my bodyguards figure it out? “Sometimes I’m out late for events and things.”
“Your godfather tried to drop in.” His tone leaves no room for argument. “No one could find you. Finn finally admitted you were out but he didn’t know where.”
Fuck. I need to thank him for trying to cover for me. I feel terrible.
“Legacy involves a lot of time. He didn’t say anything.” I’m reeling, not sure what to even say or what he knows.
“He had some free time at the last minute.”
“Tell him I’m sorry.”
“You know you need to prioritize him.” My father’s tone is final.
“I need to prioritize Legacy too and it’s on a time constraint.” But will he see through my lie and somehow find out it’s Rurik I’ve been spending all my time with?
“Legacy is part of the back-up plan. Your godfather is our first line of defense.”
“I know.” I keep my breathing even, not giving him anything to pick up on.
“You can’t let it slip. We have to keep him happy for him to continue to support your brother.” He’s just repeating things I already know, and I hate it.
I don’t need to be reminded of my fucking duty.
“It could be years before Uncle dies, and we need his support. Does he need to check in on me every few weeks?” I grab my coat, needing a walk to clear my head more than ever.
“He wants to make sure his investment is appreciating the way he expects.”
“I know my membership in Legacy will benefit him as well. But he’s got to allow me to do it.”
“He likes assurance, Astor.”
“Okay.” There’s nothing else to say. My father doesn’t allow anyone to disagree with him.
“And he wouldn’t like you spending nights elsewhere.”
“…I’m not.” I’m sure I hesitated too long. He’s going to see right through me. Fuck.
“Don’t screw this up for your brother.”
I hang up the phone and open the back door only to nearly collide with him.