35. Rurik
THIRTY-FIVE
RURIK
We’re getting closer to the final event for him to get into Legacy, which means I have to spend more time at the Vault planning because my brother hates me.
Okay, fine it’s also a lot of logistics, but still Ash is getting worse, and I don’t want to spend this much time away from him.
He’s not sleeping well then stays up to wait for me, and still insists on doing everything.
He’s pushing through the day, overtired and acting like a zombie half the time.
I don’t know how to help.
I ignore Locke sitting in the back of the meeting and book us couples therapy but then cancel it.
Is it too soon for couples therapy? And really how will it look to go in and say: ‘I’m jealous of his sleep paralysis demon, and he’s maybe codependent, but I like it and don’t want it to stop, but also I want him less depressed and sleeping more? ’
I like our toxic and maybe I just want him to tell his father to fuck off. Is that really too much to ask? I don’t think so.
If we just hold out until he’s in Legacy so we can spend every waking minute together, it will all be better. Right? That’s not toxic that’s a perfect life.
Maybe I’m being delusional again.
I’m smiling at my phone texting Ash when the little mother fucker says he’s going to go for a walk. ALONE.
Rurik: Don’t. I’m fucking serious.
He reads the message but doesn’t reply. I dig my nails into my palm trying to ground myself.
I’m fine. He’s fine. I’m not freaking out.
Rurik: Don’t go for a walk alone. I don’t like the idea of that.
What did my therapist say about going to my happy place?
Rurik: I’m fucking serious.
Rurik: Ash
He doesn’t reply.
I check his location. He’s still at his place. Maybe he’s just pissy.
But Ash doesn’t just not reply.
All my skills go out the window and I fight back the dark haze trying to take over my thoughts.
My knee bounces, and then I tap my fingers on my leg, putting all my energy into sitting still and listening to the guest speaker we have tonight, but I can’t focus on his words. My brain is there with Ash.
I check his location again just in case it’s slow to update. He’s still at home. It looks like he decided not to go for a walk. I glance over at Viv to see if she’s on her phone. Ash might be talking to her if he’s upset. She’s happily engaged in the lecture.
Maybe he fell asleep?
Rurik: Are you okay?
My messages stay unread.
I squeeze my phone, telling myself not to get up. Not to walk out of here. Not to tell Locke to go fuck himself.
I’m going to be insufferable if I stay here much longer. I don’t know which I’m more worried about, him going for a mother fucking walk, or the prospect of his demon touching him.
Rurik: Did you fall asleep?
Logically, I know that’s probably what happened.
He’s doing too much, been getting exhausted.
He can’t keep up with everything, all the training and Legacy.
I was going to encourage him to drop some of it, or at least push the time back in the morning when he gets into Legacy, since we often go late.
But then he started staying up until I get home, exacerbating the issue.
From the research I’ve done, the lack of sleep and fear of going to bed only make sleep paralysis worse.
Which is probably why my presence helps.
He feels safer going to bed. It’s a self-fulfilling cycle.
I check his location again.
He hasn’t moved.
The hairs on the back of my neck stand up.
My gut tells me to leave.
He’s fucking fine.
I’m overreacting.
But I’ll never forgive myself if he’s not.
Even if it’s just that fuck of a sleep paralysis demon. I’ll fucking kill it.
I’m on my feet before I can stop myself. I avoid my brother’s eye as I shuffle through the row of seats and head to the back door of the Vault. Locke’s gaze burns into the back of my neck as I slip out, but all my fucks are gone.
Even if Ash is fine, he’s been all over the place.
Sometimes intimate and loving and open, and other times, it feels like he’s put a security fence between us, with barbed wire, and guard dogs, and land mines, and snipers.
And I can’t lose him if he decides to lock himself back in the icy place I found him.
I have the next three years to show him he can’t just live his life for other people. To show him he deserves love. If I have to go to this fuck ass (fake sounding) kingdom with him and protect both him and his brother, I will.
He’s never getting away from me. I am handcuffing his fucking soul to mine and not allowing him to leave me ever. Even in death I’ll follow his mother fucking ass and drag him back.
I jog across campus, not risking the drive this time, the copy of the key I made to his door already in hand when I get there. I let myself in quietly so as not to alert the bodyguards. The house is quiet.
I ease up the stairs, avoiding all the ones that creak, listening for any sound coming from his room. It’s silent. I move quicker once in the hall. His door is cracked, which bothers me.
I close and lock it behind me, then scan his room, cursing that my eyes haven’t adjusted yet.
Why doesn’t it look like he’s in bed?
But I get a full breath for the first time since he texted me when I spot him there. I press my eyes closed and just thank whatever spirit kept him inside.
I strip, needing him in my fucking arms badly.
But I stop when I notice the pained expression on his face. The fucking demon is here.
I should have handled his admission better. I should have sat on my goddamn hands and self-medicated. But I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t been thinking of how to kill the demon since he told me about it. I just can’t get the thought of that bastard touching him out of my head, real or not.
How do I wake him gently? Why am I over thinking this?
“I’m the only one who gets to haunt him.” I slip in bed behind him.
I’m going to mark my fucking territory.
Ash is fucking mine.
“Let him the fuck go,” I’m not even sure what I’m going to do. Fight his invisible demons?
I put my hand on his arm, lips next to his ear. “Ash.”
If I have to guard his sleep like a goddamn psychopath to keep that demon’s hands off him, I will. I don’t care if I miss the rest of the Legacy meetings until he’s in.
He doesn’t respond to my touch which is unusual.
I cup his face. “Baby, I’m here.”
He grimaces slightly, and I can only assume he’s deep in it.
I nudge my nose against his. “You’re okay. Come back to me.”
Finally, his eyes open, but he looks through me.
What the fuck?
It’s never been like this. His eyes dart around the room like he’s looking for something.
“Is it in there with you?” I growl under my breath.
That mother fucking demon.
His gaze focuses on the corner, but he doesn’t move a single other muscle.
Anyone could do anything they want to him. That’s not safe. Even more fucking reason I can’t leave him alone while I’m at meetings.
I’m hard but also ready to kill this thing haunting him. I’m the only one who gets to haunt Ash. But how can I fight something in his mind? It’s not like I can get inside his brain and get my hands around its neck.
Or can I?
I need to assert my dominance.
I push between his thighs like his personal haunt come to defend his honor. He’s in thin, pinstriped boxers and a matching button-up shirt. I love his matching fucking PJs so much. He still doesn’t see me, so damn focused on the corner of the room.
I push open his thighs, feeling all of his silky smooth skin before I get to the soft cotton. His eyes search the space between us. Like he can’t quite see me. Or maybe all he can see is the fucking demon.
I settle on top of him, giving him my full weight to draw him out of his frozen state. “Baby, wake up.”
His mouth twitches, lips parting ever so slightly. His neck constricts like he’s screaming, and it’s all the confirmation I need to know that thing is here.
I shove his shirt up, biting his chest and neck, hoping the pain reconnects him to his body. He’s icy cold and stiff.
His lips part further—only a hair, but it’s a start—and I kiss him.
“You’re doing so good. Fight it. It can’t hurt you. I’ve got you.”
His tongue meets mine, and his eyes finally focus on me.
He sees me.
“I’m here with you.” I hold his face pressing our foreheads together.
Again, a tear leaks down his face, and this sweet baby pleads with his eyes. He’s so fucking tired of being tortured.
“I know, my love.” I lick off the tear. “I’m going to bury myself inside you and fuck you back to warmth.”
He tips his chin, suddenly grabbing me, control of his body coming back to him.
I lift up enough to drag his shorts down. “Tell me to stop.”
I know he won’t.
My cock responds, already fully hard and leaking in anticipation.
“No one else gets to fucking touch you but me. Not real or fucking fictional.” I grab his cock and twist my palm over his shaft.
I reach for the lube on his dresser without getting off of him and then drizzle it over my fingers and his taint. I nudge his knees wider, finding his hole.
Ash swallows hard as I massage his opening. He slides his hand down and grips my ass, but his movements are sluggish, like it’s still hard to move. He’s never been like this. “No.”
I stop, searching his face. “Do you want me to stop?”
“Not. Your. Fingers.” Each word seems painful. “Fuck me.”
“I’m just opening you up, baby.”
“No.” He grounds out. “I need your cock. I need your weight. I need to not feel anything but you.” More tears stream down his cheeks and his words are so painful.
I’d give him any fucking thing he asks for. “I will make sure I’m the only thing you feel. I own every single fucking inch of you.”
“Please.”
I quickly add more lube and press my tip against his tight hole. He groans, squeezing his eyes shut.
“Stay here with me, baby. Keep your eyes on me.” I brush my fingers over his damp cheek.
He pries them open and gives me his beautiful green eyes, still fighting tears but with the most endearing gaze I’ve ever fucking witnessed. If I hadn’t already been in love with him, I would have fallen so hard just from that one look.
I thrust forward, carefully working into him as his body resists, like he’s still fighting off what haunts him. “You are so fucking tight.”
He gasps, sucking breath from my lips as I go deeper with each push. “It hurts.”
I slow down.
“No. Harder. Obliterate me.” His chest rises and falls faster, like he’d burst out of his body if he could escape the demon. He clings to me tighter, and we just exist together.
I press my forehead to his, driving myself fully home. He cries out into my mouth, digging his fingers into my ass. He’s not gentle and I don’t want him to be. I want him to take out everything he’s feeling on my flesh.
“Harder baby.” I bit his neck, leaving an instant bruise.
“More.” He lifts his hips to meet my thrusts and his body comes back to life as I fuck him into the mattress.
“My cock looks so good buried inside you.” I shove my hand between us jacking him off. “Your cock is so hard for me.”
He pulses between our abs, leaking pre-cum all over both of us with each of my thrusts. He arches stretching out his beautiful lean body for me to feast on.
I bite his pecs and neck adding more marks to his collection. “You’re so fucking wet. I love it.”
The demon better know he’s never getting this part of Ash again. I might not be able to banish that motherfucker to hell, but I will fight him for every physical part of Ash. I’ll fucking sleep inside him every fucking night if I have to.
“This belongs to me. Your cock. Your hole. All of you.”
He moans, chasing my tongue, his nails digging into my skin, clawing me closer, trying to climb into my skin.
Finally, his body fully comes back to him.
“Do you know how much I love stretching you open, baby?” I need more of him, so much more. If I could get my soul into his chest, I’d shove it in there right now.
“Harder. I need you deeper.” He’s breathless, and I’m fucking destroyed.
I push his knees open wider, allowing myself to bury my cock deeper and fuck him relentlessly, taking complete ownership.
“I just want to feel you and nothing else. I need it all to end. I can’t keep doing this.”
My hips falter, and I cup his face. “What?”
But he won’t look at me and I know he didn’t mean to say it.