36. Astor
THIRTY-SIX
ASTOR
My mind comes back sluggish, and I can’t move. I’m trapped in my flesh prison, locked in my mind, as fear crawls through my veins.
How did I get here? Am I even in my own bed? I can’t open my eyes.
I’m in my bed…I think? I must have fallen asleep, but I can’t remember my nightly routine, which immediately pushes me deeper into panic.
I try to shift, but that familiar icy state grips my body.
I fight the paralysis for my vision, but it’s no use.
My godfather stopped by, and I don’t know what happened. My memory is foggy. I remember reading texts from Rurik, then planning on going for a walk, but it’s all blank after that.
Fuck.
I can’t move. I’m trapped. I hate it so much. This is why I didn’t want to sleep. I knew it would be one of those nights.
If I could end my life in this state, I would. Frozen, I wait for a thing to have its way with me, has to be one of the worst versions of hell on Earth, and I’m fucking exhausted from the horrors of living with it.
My door creaks open, and my heart jumps into my throat.
Please don’t fucking touch me tonight.
Just leave me the fuck alone.
The floorboards creak as it lumbers over the old wood.
It’s not real.
It’s not fucking real.
This is all made up in your mind.
But no matter how many times I tell myself those things, it never stops feeling real.
Its disgusting touch haunts me. It recoils deep inside myself waiting for its hot breath to find my neck.
For its revolting prick to assault me. My stomach heaves wanting to empty but even that part of me is frozen.
I internally flinch when I’m touched. The hand is warm, but I know it’s a lie. The demon isn’t always cold. It sometimes takes the face of others.
Nothing is actually touching me.
Rurik will be here soon. If I can just hold out.
But will he? He said he was going to be late.
I think I feel it’s breath and I brace myself.
I imagine Rurik’s voice too, but it can’t be him.
He pulls me out of this so easily, this has to be the demon playing games.
It’s done that before. Teasing me with comfort only to devastate me worse.
I pull myself as deeply into my insides as I can, walling my mind off from my senses as much as possible.
I don’t want to feel it. Especially now that I know what it’s like to be touched by Rurik.
It’s made the demon’s grip so much worse.
But I can’t stop my heightened senses.
I don’t want to keep analyzing each sound.
It’s torture. Waiting. Feeling. Hearing. Existing.
Fingers brush my face. I want to turn away, but I can’t fucking budge.
A nose brushes mine.
Did the demon get into bed with me?
I try to scream. Try to move. Try to get myself out of this delusion.
I get my eyes open and franticly look for it. But I can’t see anything. It’s too dark, but still, there’s something moving in my bed.
Please no.
A flicker in the corner catches my attention, but it was in bed with me? Why the fuck is it toying with my mind?
My limbs shift, but I’m not moving them. My stomach twists, and I wince against the intrusion I know is coming.
I wish Rurik were here. Why the fuck did I go to sleep?
I can almost hear Rurik’s voice, but it’s not real. I’d be awake if he were here.
Hands glide over my skin, and I force myself deeper into my mind, focusing on memories of Rurik inside me.
Weight settles on top of me like I willed the memory into existence.
His voice breaks through the thick fog.
I try to speak. Are you really here? Please be here.
I scream for him to touch me, to take me away from here. To do fucking anything.
Rurik bites my chest, and the pain recontextualizes the connection to my nerves. But it’s still like forcing my limbs through tar or sludge. I fight to grip onto him, to hold him like the life preserver he is.
“You’re doing so good. Fight it. It can’t hurt you. I’ve got you.”
His tongue dips into my mouth, and I chase it. Any and all contact with him. I want him to engulf me. Completely surround me. Burn the sensation of his skin on mine over all the scars left by others.
“I’m here with you.”
If I could tell him how much I need him, I would, but I kiss him again instead.
A tear leaks down my face.
I just need him to stay.
“I know, my love.” He licks off the tear. “I’m going to bury myself in your tight hole and fuck you back to warmth.”
I want nothing more in the world than for him to be inside me. To mark his place and chase out everything else.
I break free from the ice and wrap around him, digging my fingers into his flesh, needing to be as close to him as possible. Needing to feel anything fucking else tonight.
I manage a nod. Why is my body not fucking coming back to me like it usually does?
“Tell me to stop.”
I look right into his eyes.
“No one else gets to fucking touch you but me. Not real or fucking fictional.” He grabs my cock, and I gasp silently.
Cool lube drips down my arse, and his fingers follow. But I can’t wait.
I force my hand down to his arse, pulling his hips closer to mine, and force a word past my lips. “No.”
He stops and looks confused. “Do you want me to stop?”
I don’t want him to stop.
“Not. Your. Fingers. Fuck me.” It takes all my breath to get the words out.
“I’m just opening you up, baby.”
“No.” I’m shaking my head, barely keeping it together. “I need your cock. I need your weight. I need to not feel anything but you.”
“I will make sure I’m the only thing you feel. I own every single fucking inch of you.” He coats himself in lube and then finally bucks against my hole.
I use my grip on his ass to pull him forward, closing my eyes so I can live in the sensation of him.
“Stay here with me, baby. Keep your eyes on me.”
I open them, gazing into his perfect face as he drives himself past my resistance.
“I love how tight you are.” He’s deeper with every thrust, splaying me wide open with pleasure.
“It hurts.”
He slows down and it’s agony.
I need more not less.
“No. Harder. Obliterate me.”
“Anything you want, baby.” He sinks his teeth into my flesh replacing every bad feeling with good until he is all I feel.
“More.”
“My cock looks so good buried in you.” He takes my dick in his hand. “And your cock is leaking just for me.”
I love the way he talks to me. It thaws my icy chest and sends warmth through my veins. I don’t know why he sees me like he does, but it fixes something in my chest, at least for a little while.
I lift into him, rubbing my dick against his touch. Not wanting to come yet but losing myself to the shared sensations.
“You’re so fucking wet.” He kisses and touches and is so attentive.
And the way he looks at me. Like he’s obsessed. I can’t get enough of it. I only wish I’d let him in sooner. I wasted so much time pushing away the best thing I’ve ever had. I know I don’t deserve Rurik, but I can’t let go.
“This belongs to me. Your cock. Your hole. All of you.”
I don’t know how to ask for more. How to breathe him into every part of me and wrap his touch around me like a shield. When he tells me he’s going to protect me, I just might believe it, and maybe that’s the scariest part of all.
“Do you know how much I love stretching you open, baby?” He pours himself so fully into me, and I take it all.
“Harder. I need you deeper,” I beg without shame.
He fucks me within an inch of my sanity. Hard, punishing strokes, and I love it.
I love him.
“I just want to feel you and nothing else. I need it all to end. I can’t keep doing this.”
His thrusts falter. “What?”
“No. Keep going. Don’t stop.” I buck up into him, but he pulls back, almost out of me. I lock my legs around his hips. “Please don’t stop.”
A crease settles in his brow, but he eventually comes when I pull him forward. He gives over his weight, his thickness filling me again, but he doesn’t move. He stays there, still and stoic. “What did you mean, my baby?”
I avoid his eyes, ashamed I let the words escape. “Nothing. I just want to feel you. Please don’t leave.”
He settles on his forearms on either side of my head, hands in my hair. “I’m not leaving, but don’t lie to me.”
I shake my head, but he grips my jaw, holding it in place.
“Look at me.”
I force myself to, barely keeping it together.
“I’m not letting anything bad happen to you.
” He thrusts in and out of me with his words.
“I’m not letting the thing in your mind keep torturing you.
It might live there, but I’m going to find a way to kill it.
” He is cocky enough to believe he can kill a demon in my mind, and maybe I love him more for it.
I ground myself in the sensation of him. “You’re delusional enough to try.”
“I’m fucking delusional enough to fucking succeed.” He presses his lips to mine. “Now tell me what you mean.”
“I don’t know how to keep carrying it all.
It’s too much, and my brain is too loud, and the pressure is eating me alive.
I’m exhausted. I don’t know where to even begin.
I’m juggling a war inside and out, and I just want it all to stop.
” I can’t stop once I start. It pours out of me.
“But I don’t want to fucking talk about it.
I don’t want to think about the demon having your eyes sometimes.
I want to make you feel good, and I want to sleep with your cum inside me and your arms wrapped around me, so please just fuck me. ”
He shifts his hips but only a little, and I see the wheels in his head turning. “You have to talk to me in the morning then. I’m not taking no for an answer anymore. We are figuring this out together.”
I slip my fingers around the back of his neck, pulling his face to mine. “Okay.”
He fucks me into a much different type of coma. One of comfort and bliss. Then he allows me to sleep in his arms, and I don’t want to be anywhere else.
But it doesn’t last long.
“What the fuck is this?” I awake to Rurik, shoving a photo in my face.
“What?” It takes a moment for my eyes to focus.
“Why the fuck do you have a photo of my father?”