37. Rurik
THIRTY-SEVEN
RURIK
He sleeps, but I can’t.
‘I don’t want to think about the demon having your eyes sometimes.’
If ever I thought a sentence would haunt me, I would have never expected it to be that.
I read, or I try to. I check in with Nik and Viv. I pace.
My energy won’t settle. I need to be doing something, but I don’t know what. There’s more going on here and I can’t put my finger on it.
‘I don’t want to think about the demon having your eyes.’
Did I cause it? Did coming into his life make the hallucinations in his mind take on my eyes for the demon? Is it a cruel and twisted game his brain is using to fuck him up more?
I hate it all.
I’m about to leave another piece of glass on his windowsill when a photo catches my eye.
It’s tucked behind others on his bulletin board, but it’s new.
I’ve been over every inch of his room. I’m not an amateur.
I need to know everything about him. Something makes me pull it out, and my blood runs cold.
It’s his family. I can tell instantly. His brother looks just like him. His father. He also shares features of someone who must be his uncle. Only a king would dress like that un-ironically.
And there standing with them is my father. He’s smiling with his arm around Ash. I want to wrap my hands around his throat and watch the life leave my father’s eyes.
This is him. It has to be. But it doesn’t fucking make sense. I try to let it go. It’s probably nothing. But deep down I know it’s not.
“Why the fuck do you have a photo of my father?” I’m on the bed next to Ash with a million things running through my head and none of them good.
“What?” Ash sits up looking from my face to the photo and back. “What are you talking about?”
“This photo. Why do you have it?” I know he can’t see it. It’s not even light out.
Ash gives me a funny look but takes the photo bringing it closer to his face. “He’s my godfather. What are you talking about?”
Ice fills my veins. His godfather. Who’s been here.
“That’s my father.”
Ash’s brow scrunches up, looking at me like I’ve lost it. “Your father is my…godfather?”
I can’t process it.
My father knows Ash.
Ash is Astor.
He has to be.
I’m going to fill Mikel’s body with led until he doesn’t even resemble a human anymore.
“Your name is Astor Hastings, isn’t it?” I can barely speak, and my hands are shaking. Dark fog creeps in around my vision, threatening to take control.
“Yes. Wait…how did you know?”
How the fuck did my father get involved with some fuck ass royal family?
I know what the photo means.
The truth was right there in front of my face the whole time.
I’m going to be fucking sick.
Ash is eighteen. My mother found out about my father’s affair two years ago.
It wasn’t an affair.
Mother misunderstood. Devastatingly so.
My father wasn’t cheating with a guy. My father was abusing Astor.
I clap a hand over my mouth as my body convulses with disgust.
I stumble to the bathroom and lose the contents of my stomach into the toilet, insides wrecked with the truth.
“Rurik? What’s wrong?”
I don’t know what to fucking say to him.
This fucking goose chase looking for an affair partner was all a fucking ruse my father let us go on while he played in our faces. Years of hate I’ve poured into this fictional guy rebounds back and hits me in the chest. I don’t want it to be true.
But it makes sense. His aversion to touch. The nightmares. How withdrawn Ash got after a visit.
I dry heave.
I’m going to find the most painful way to kill a person and then invent new forms of torture to draw out my father’s death.
And I’m back on the line.
‘I don’t want to think about the demon having your eyes sometimes.’
How he hasn’t kicked me out, I don’t know. My father is his abuser? How will he ever fucking look at me again?
I stop in my tracks.
‘I don’t want to think about the demon having your eyes sometimes.’
Does Ash know?
I dry heave bile, willing it not to be true.
But I know in the pits of my gut it is.
I splash cold water on my face and brush my teeth.
Ash is standing with his arms wrapped around himself, hovering.
Can I even touch him? Am I just going to continuously remind him of my father?
“Are you sick?” Ash speaks when I don’t. He’s too fucking calm.
Back up. Just back the fuck up.
Maybe there is a logical explanation for all of this. Maybe I’m overreacting.
“Are you mad at me?”
I return and sit patting the bed next to me, not even sure where to begin. “This is your godfather?”
“Yes. He must have left it when he was here earlier.”
I barely suppress my rage. “He was here today?”
I’m gonna fucking kill him. It can’t be a coincidence he was here and then Ash had what is the worst episode I’ve ever seen. I’d fucking kill him twice if I could.
“Yes. When I was about to go for a walk, I ran into him.”
“When you stopped replying to my messages?” I’m barely fucking keeping it together because I’m about to burn the world down. “Did you fall asleep with him here?”
Ash searches my face, still acting clueless. “I think so. I don’t know. It’s kind of fuzzy.”
I exhale sharply.
Don’t snap. Don’t fucking snap. Get all the facts first.
“Fuzzy how?” I ask through my teeth.
“I’ve not been sleeping enough. Even when you woke me up, it was so hard to get out of the sleep paralysis. It’s rarely that bad.” Ash does look almost sick. The circles under his eyes are worse than ever. “Even now I have a pounding head ache. I feel hung over.”
Did my father drug him?
Again?
My stomach tries to revolt, but I have nothing left to lose.
“How often does he come here?”
How many times has he left the hotel? Two, at least. I was searching the fucking city, leaving Ash open to that sick bastard. Did my mother even know he left tonight?
“Sometimes. Dad said I’d missed him a few times because he’s popped in.” He finally notices my face. “What’s wrong?”
I’m shaking with rage.
“He’s my father,” I repeat.
“Your father is really Mikel Conwyn?” Does he really have no idea?
“Yes.” I barely fight back the dark fog begging me to go slaughter my father in the lobby of The Velleity. I’ll storm in and kill anyone who gets in my way. The Jackal, anyone. I don’t give a single goddamn if I’m banished forever. Nothing is stopping me from killing Mikel.
“Your father is a judge…” He’s putting the pieces together.
“He is.”
“Oh, wow. That’s a weird coincidence… You don’t see him when he comes to visit then?” Ash seems entirely confused.
“I don’t speak to the bastard.”
Ash’s frown deepens. “Why not?”
“Remember the family emergency I went to New York for?”
He nods. We’d never ended up talking about it because Ash was so withdrawn when I got home. All the pieces click together. Everything I knew I was missing.
“My dad has been staying at The Velleity, making him untouchable. He left, my mom got a tip, and we were trying to find him.”
“Why…” Ash wraps his arms around himself again, even if his mind doesn’t know his body remembers.
“Because two years ago, my mom found out he was having an affair, but before she could confront him and do anything about it, he ran the fuck away.” My voice is quiet and totally calm. “Or at least we thought that’s what happened.”
“I’m so fucking sorry. I didn’t know. My dad has known him a long time and has been working to keep him on my brother’s side because he’s one of the international judges who could influence my brother’s case if his title is challenged.
” The words tumble out of him, and he’s trembling.
But then he gets still and says, “Wait…what do you mean you thought that’s what happened? ”
“I’ve been looking for my father’s affair partner for over two years, ever since I found out his name.”
“What’s his name?”
“Astor Hastings.”