38. Astor
THIRTY-EIGHT
ASTOR
My brain shuts down. It refuses to process any of this.
How can my godfather be the same man as his father?
I don’t even know what to say.
My tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth.
This all has to be a grave misunderstanding but deep down I know it’s all my fault.
“I wasn’t having an affair with your father.” I fight a sob crawling up my throat. But that doesn’t make me less guilty. I’ve never told anyone.
Rurik will hate me. I ruined his family and he’s never going to speak to me again. I’m going to lose the only light in my world.
My father has stressed to me for years how much we need Mikel. How important he is to my brother’s case. I can’t mess it up. I have to be nice to him. I can’t be the reason my brother loses in court. So I didn’t tell anyone else.
I’ve had nightmares about it ever since. I know they’re my penance. But I didn’t know Mikel was married. Rurik is never going to be able to look at me again. I’m going to lose him.
“I don’t think you were having an affair with my father.”
“You don’t?” I’m instantly relieved but guilt gnaws at my insides.
He shakes his head, but he looks so sad. My heart shatters into a million pieces because I know I have to tell him. I did this. I know I’m at fault. How will he ever forgive me?
But how the fuck do I even explain? I look so fucking guilty. I still caused his family to fall apart.
“I’m so sorry.” I can’t look at him.
“You have nothing to be sorry for.” He grabs me, trying to pull me to him.
I resist. “No. I do. I know I should have reported it, and because I didn’t, it doesn’t look good, but you have to understand he has influence over the case for my brother’s claim, and nothing really happened, so if I reported it, it would have just been brushed under the rug, and then he would have soured to helping my brother and—”
Rurik cuts me off. “What do you mean, nothing happened?”
I swallow hard avoiding my eyes. He releases my arm. I’m losing him.
“Please don’t be mad. Please.”
“Baby. I’m not mad. You did nothing wrong.”
I barely hold back tears. “Yes, I did.”
“Tell me.”
“A few years ago—three, I think—I woke up—” I can’t say it.
He cups my face. “It’s okay. What happened.”
“I—woke up to—to him in my bed…” My voice leaves me. I’ve never said these words out loud. They’ve haunted me for so long, and it’s stupid. Nothing happened, so why can’t I escape them?
Rurik shoves in beside me and pulls me into his lap before I can stop him. He wraps himself around me. “You don’t have to tell me.”
Selfishly I lean into the comfort and press my face into his shoulder, losing it. He sits with me, holding me, and I know I don’t deserve him. How the fuck can he forgive me after all of this? I didn’t know it was his father but it’s still all my fault.
“I want to. You deserve to know. I destroyed your family.”
He grabs my jaw. “You didn’t do a fucking thing.
You were a child.” I shake my head, but he fights it with his hold on me.
“Don’t fucking do that. I do not blame you.
My mother wouldn’t blame you. No one would fucking blame you, no matter what happened.
You were a child, and he is an adult.” He holds me tighter, and I want to believe him.
I suck in a breath because if I don’t get it out now, I don’t know if I ever will.
“I woke up with him next to me. I freaked out and tried to get out of bed. I used to sleepwalk, and I panicked, thinking I’d gotten up to use the bathroom and ended up in the wrong bed.
But it was my room. My bed. And I couldn’t move.
” I swallow back my nausea, fighting my body to get the last words out.
“His arm was over me from behind, and he…he had his hand on—” My body convulses with the memory.
I want to tear my skin off and set it on fire.
I’ll never get the feeling of him off of me.
Washing has never been enough. It’s like he’s still there, under all the layers and I can’t get him out.
“Neither of us had anything on.” I’m speaking and I hear the words but from someplace outside of me.
“He was pressed against me and I couldn’t move.
” I’m shaking uncontrollably. I wish I could burn the fucking memory from my brain.
I never want to fucking think of him again.
Every time I see his face, I relive the way his hands felt on me, and I want to die.
“I’m so sorry.” He keeps me tucked against this chest as I fight the vile disgust living in my body.
“I freaked out, and he woke up. He claims he doesn’t remember how he got there.
He said nothing happened. I’m so stupid.
I let him leave. I didn’t know what to do.
If I woke my father, he’d be irate. So I waited until morning and tried to tell my dad.
He barely let me get a word out and then laughed it off like it was a simple misunderstanding.
He said Mikel told him, and it was an embarrassing accident.
That I shouldn’t embarrass Mikel any further by speaking about it or risk him turning on our family.
So I kept quiet. He’s never tried anything since… ”
I trail off when Rurik goes rigid.
“You don’t sleep naked.”
I don’t have an explanation.
“Your dad knew?”
“He believed Mikel, and I know he’s just protecting Rainier.”
“Does your brother know?” He’s voice is too calm.
“No! Rain would never stand for any of this. He would have kicked Mikel out himself. He’d never accept his help if he knew.”
Rurik’s nostrils flair. “I’m fucking killing them both.”
I grab onto him like he’s about to get up and go hunt them both down now. “He believes nothing happened.”
“No he doesn’t and I don’t care if he convinced himself of that. He should have believed you.” Rurik’s voice is devoid of emotion and it’s terrifying.
“Don’t leave me alone tonight.” I rest my face against his shoulder, just thankful he’s still here. “If you’re going to go please at least wait until it’s light. I’ll understand.”
“Huh?” He blinks coming back to himself a little. “I’m not leaving you.” He’s words ignite a tiny spark of hope.
“Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”
He drags my head up by my hair. “You’re never getting away from me.”
“But—”
“I told you. I own you. I’ve already planned our wedding.”
I’m caught off guard. “You what?” I can’t believe him but I welcome the subject change. I need anything else.
“Too soon?”
“Are you serious?” I can’t tell if he’s joking.
“Oh, I’m serious. I just need to know the social norm for this. Too soon, right?”
“You are out of your mind.” I cling tighter to him, just happy he’s still here after what I admitted to.
“I mean, yes, I’m a psychopath. I’ve told you that, but why do you say so?” He’s being genuine, and I almost feel bad for saying what I did, except for the fact that he’s actually out of his mind.
“You already know how fucked up I am, and this is just another level. I’m neurotic and need a schedule, or I’ll go mad.
I fixate. My dreams and a literal demon haunt my sleep, making me relive my trauma over and over.
I can barely stand to be touched. Do you know how fucking broken I am?
” The more I say the more I’m convinced he’ll come to his senses and just leave.
“Then on top of all that, I’m the cause for your family’s ruin. Why the fuck would you still want me?”
A smile spreads over his lips as I speak, getting bigger with each word. And when I stop, he kisses me with it.
“You honestly want all of that?”
“You make me happy. I like your quirks and your schedule, even if getting up that early is a crime against your morning boner and my ability to enjoy it. You didn’t cause anything.
My father dug his own piece of shit grave.
He’ll be gone soon. My mom deserves so much better and has it with her girlfriend.
I told you I’m killing the fucking demon, so he’s out.
I’m not sharing,” Rurik says, and I think he actually believes he can.
“And if I can’t strangle it with my bare hands, I’ve got lots of other stuff to try. I’ve been doing research.”
“Research?”
“Yes. Do you not research problems you want to solve?”
“There’s no cure for sleep paralysis…”
“No, but there are ways to manage it. Including treatment for trauma, a regular sleep schedule, which means your schedule keeping is good, and some other stuff I’m looking into.” He’s really been digging into this, and again, I’m blown away by how much he cares, how well he takes care of me.
I smile softly.
I guess there are upsides to someone being obsessed.
“You really planned our wedding?” I ask again when I realize he didn’t answer.
“You didn’t answer if this was too soon. I mean, you just got used to me calling us boyfriends. So I’m trying to act normal or whatever.”
“You can do that?” I deadpan.
“Act yes, be no.”
All I can do is laugh. But things feel a little lighter and for that I’m thankful.
“Are you going to tell me what you planned?” Now I’m fucking curious.
“I have a few plans. One traditional and the rest contingency, in case you don’t go for it. Like I always do.” He smiles, clearly proud of himself.
“What does that even mean?” I’m not sure I actually want to know.
“You don’t have five to seven plans for all possibilities and scenarios? I do it for everything. It’s best to be prepared for all outcomes.”
“For everything?”
“Yes…” he says slowly. “This might be the psychopath planning.”
“Christ. How are you not exhausted?” My brain hurts thinking of that much planning.
“You think I’m exhausted? I’ve seen your schedule and rituals. The amount of thought you take into just getting out the door.” He lifts me off his lap and lays us both down before wrapping around me.
“What does that mean?!” I lean into his embrace.
“What order do you put your shoes on?”
“Sock. Sock. Shoe. Shoe,” I say without thinking about it.
“I could not even tell you the order in which I put my shoes on nor the foot I do first. I don’t think I’ve ever even thought about an order for anything.
Let alone checking your door lock and the stove before you leave.
You position yourself to leave every room you walk in, and won’t let anyone trap you inside a booth or a corner.
Your hand is always over the top of your cup.
Especially in a crowd. You have to tell me to be careful every time I leave, and if you forget, you text it to me.
You read the last page of every book you start.
Even the numbers you put things on. All even. Unless it’s fifteen.”
I grimace the more things he lists. I do all of those, and I hardly even notice I do anymore, but if I don’t do them, intrusive thoughts ruminate until I fix it.
“I’m sorry. I can’t help it.” I try to look away.
“I didn’t realize you noticed all of it.
” And now I’m going to be ruminating about him noticing. Great.
He slides his hand up my throat, putting his thumb on my chin so I can’t look away.
“They are all a part of you. I wouldn’t change a single thing about you.
I want all of you. We all have our things.
I don’t want you to be any different unless it makes you feel better.
” He kisses me, then lets me bury my face in his chest.
“It might not hurt to try and address some of it.”
“Don’t worry, I’ve already booked us couples therapy, baby.”
I pick my head up. “You’re joking?”
“Well, I canceled it, but I will be rebooking it.”
I roll my eyes. “Why do we need couples therapy already?”
“I don’t want you to be mad at me when I kill your father. I feel like that could bring up some feelings.” He kisses me softly.
“Ru!”
He grabs my ass using it to rock it into his hardening dick. “You cannot say that unless you immediately want to be fucked.”
“I’m being serious. You can’t just kill him.”
“We can talk about it after I kill my father.” He brushes his fingers through my hair.
“You’re serious about that, aren’t you? If you think I’ll resent you for killing mine, how do you think you’ll feel killing yours for me?” I don’t want him to hate me. “How will your siblings feel?”
“I was serious about it before he hurt you. They want him dead as much as I do.” Rurik stops kissing me to look into my eyes.
“Is it really worth killing him over?” Guilt eats at me again.
“Let me ask you something, Ash.”
“Yes?”
“You remember him showing up here today, but nothing after?” There’s something under Rurik’s statement I’m not quite understanding.
“What are you saying?”
“You don’t remember going to bed and you didn’t do any of your bed time rituals…”
My stomach sinks the more he says.
“…you don’t remember what happened the night you woke up in bed with him. You have episodes about your demon touching you mostly on nights I’m not here…”
My hearing goes out and my mind rejects all of what he’s saying. It can’t be true. He can’t be doing anything to me. Those are nightmares!
But what if Rurik is right?
My ears ring as I try to focus on Rurik again while my heart races.
“I had a really hard time waking you up.”
“What are you saying, Rurik?” I ask again. Needing him to say the words.
“You said you feel hung over. Is it the same way you felt after you were drugged at the bar?”
My heart thuds in my throat.
“I think he’s the one who drugged you and has been drugging you.”
“But how?” It can’t be real. This can’t be the truth. My entire body rejects it. “Why would he do that?” But I don’t really need to ask. I know why.
If he’s the one doing this there would be only one reason and I just don’t want to accept it. I can’t believe any of it is true. I have sleep paralysis and nightmares. That’s it.
“I’m so sorry.” He hugs me tightly.