24. San
San blinked open bleary eyes, immediately wincing as he had to peel his tongue from the roof of his mouth. The sun was up, but the shadows cast within the room made it clear the storm wasn’t over, just taking a break. It was still raining, but not the pounding rain and whipping wind of last night, just a gentle tapping against foggy windows.
He had no idea what time it was but was unable to reach for his phone. His heart thudded, slow and heavy, as he acknowledged his current situation. Binnie was all over him…in every sense. He curled around him, his morning wood pressing against his ass, his breath puffing at his neck, his lips pressed right up against San’s scent gland. He had one leg between San’s and one arm under San’s head while the other held him tightly around the waist. He was trapped.
The bed smelled like them. San smelled like them. He flushed as he remembered why. “Just a big, dumb puppy trying to hump my leg.You’d fuck yourself on my thigh like some cock dumb little whore, huh?”
San trapped his bottom lip between his teeth. He was just as hard as Binnie thanks to a full bladder and male biology. He released a shaky breath, then carefully extricated himself from the other alpha, who didn’t wake but made a sad sound when San freed himself. Once on his feet, San pushed his pillow between Binnie’s arms, smiling against his will when the other alpha immediately buried his nose in it with a happy sound.
In the bathroom, San sighed as he relieved himself, then washed his hands and brushed his teeth before splashing some cold water on his face. It helped erase some of the cobwebs clouding his brain. He grimaced when he made eye contact with himself in the mirror. He’d fallen asleep with his hair partially tied up. That ponytail now sat tangled and slightly askew on his head. There were dark circles smudged beneath his eyes and he had a very distinct hickey on his scent gland. Had that happened last night or while they slept?
San shivered at the thought of Binnie nursing at his neck all night, like he needed the taste of him on his tongue just to sleep. He groaned as goosebumps erupted along his skin at the thought. He hated how much he liked that idea. He hated how much he longed to return to bed and Binnie’s embrace.
He should go back to his own room, pretend last night never happened, and end this farce before anyone got hurt. It was the smart thing to do. It was the right thing to do. Two alphas in a relationship together? It wasn’t unheard of, but it was rare. And, usually, those alpha/alpha pairings didn’t include the son of a man who was pushing a conservative agenda that was sure to put the two of them under a microscope if the world found out.
He and Binnie made no sense. At all.
Except, they did.
If last night’s game proved anything, it was that the two of them were so compatible they might not be fit for anyone else. San’s chest tightened, fear clawing its way up his throat. He didn’t want to fall in love. He didn’t want to cling to someone the way he wanted to cling to Binnie only for it to inevitably crumble when they grew to realize two alphas together could never work.
What if Binnie wanted kids? San had seen the way he rough-housed with Deke and Seth. He would be the perfect dad. San couldn’t give him that. Sure, there was adoption, but getting an agency to give a baby to two alphas…it was an uphill battle. No matter how much things changed, alphas were still considered inherently violent. Giving a baby to two of them still made people uncomfortable.
Sure, it could be handled within the pack. If the eight of them did legally acknowledge themselves as a pack, that came with rights, protections, expectations. San knew without a doubt that Seth or Fen would carry a baby for them if they asked. San knew any pack babies would be their babies, too. But anytime he thought of giving in, of letting himself love Binnie, this terror inevitably gripped him, a voice whispering in his ear over and over.
You’ll ruin everything.
You always do.
San had no family outside of the one he’d created with Seth, Fen, and Deke. And they were clearly all in. They seemed to find it so much easier to believe that this was some kind of divined meeting. That they were destined to be a pack. He was certain he and Binnie would return to find the others mated in every sense. San was happy for them, he really was. But if things didn’t work out between him and the man lying in that bed out there, what became of his family?
But if San never tried, wouldn’t that ruin everything anyway?
Binnie would never kick him out or hold his refusal against him. The other alpha was exactly who he claimed to be. He was sweet and kind and generous. He was incredibly sexy and smart and looked at San like he was the only other man in the world. Binnie would protect him and still submit to him in the bedroom. Binnie was ideal in almost every way.
And that was the problem.
San wasn’t worthy of someone like him.
San was moody, temperamental, overly dramatic. He had long bouts of sadness and periods of overwhelm where he was so in his own head, he could only lock himself in his studio and paint or dance. He was selfish and, sometimes, he was mean. Especially when he felt cornered. When he felt vulnerable. Binnie made him feel incredibly vulnerable, like a turtle without its shell. And that made San lash out at him.
Binnie didn’t deserve someone who was mean. He deserved some perfect little omega who would worship the ground he walked on. Who would give him babies and treat him the way he deserved.
But no omega could fuck Binnie like San could. No omega would understand Binnie’s need to be humiliated, dominated…controlled. And what if another alpha took advantage of him, of his sweet nature, his generosity? What if Binnie decided to bring another alpha into the pack?
The thought ripped a snarl out of San, who jerked his gaze to his own reflection in the mirror. He was flushed and breathing heavily. The idea of having to share Binnie—of having someone else enter the bubble of their pack—was enough to make him homicidal. San would never let anyone else have the man out there still clutching San’s pillow to his chest. He couldn’t. His jealousy and hatred would eat him alive. The wrongness of someone else touching Binnie, fucking Binnie, loving him…it made San’s skin crawl.
Nobody could love him the way San could.
The thought punched the air from his lungs.
San loved Binnie.
San loved Binnie.
He had just enough time to pry the toilet seat up before he lost the contents of his stomach, retching up the alcohol and dinner still swirling around in his stomach. When he was finished, he closed the lid and rested his head on it, letting his eyes fall shut. He wasn’t sure how long he laid there, body folded awkwardly between the tub and the toilet, head resting on the cool plastic as he wrestled with his newfound knowledge.
He jumped when a hand brushed his hair from his face. The acidic scent of his vomit must have masked Binnie’s scent, allowing him to sneak up on San unnoticed. When his cool palm cupped San’s cheek, he blinked open heavy lids to see Binnie’s furrowed brows, eyes full of concern as he held a glass of water out for him. San’s heart clenched, but he took it gratefully, sipping it slowly.
Binnie sat on the floor beside him. When San finished his water, he placed the cup on the sink. His breath caught as Binnie’s arms encircled him. Was he hugging him? Holding him? No. Butterflies erupted in his upset stomach as he realized he was untangling the hair caught in the elastic band of his ponytail. San winced as he tugged a bit too hard, earning a whispered apology before the band finally gave.
Binnie buried both hands in his hair, massaging at his scalp. San bit back a moan. He hadn’t truly understood how irritating that snarled mess had been until it was gone. He let his eyes fall shut, inhaling Binnie’s soothing scent, letting his magical fingers card through the loose strands.
“The power’s back on. Do you want me to make you breakfast?” Binnie asked softly. “Do you like greasy hangover foods, or do you think your stomach’s too upset? I can bring you something to your room.”
It was too much. Even now, with San sitting on the bathroom floor, wrestling with his feelings for a man who was clearly all in, Binnie was trying to take care of him. San shook his head then pitched forward into BInnie’s arms, burying his face against his neck, knowing that even if he didn’t smell his tears, the other alpha would feel them rolling down his neck. Maybe he’d think he just didn’t feel well. The other alpha shifted until he was no longer on his knees but on his butt, back against the cabinets beneath the sink, San curled in his lap.
San still refused to look at him. The tears wouldn’t stop falling. He was being so extra right now. Maybe it was better Binnie see what a mess San truly was now so he could run away. But, of course, Binnie didn’t say anything, just continued to card a hand through his hair, the other on his belly, lips skimming his temple.
This was so dumb. What was he even crying for? Because he was in love with a nice guy? A guy who cared about him? Who liked all the things San hated about himself? That was like crying over winning the lottery. He was so stupid.
Still, he couldn’t seem to stop. It was like he’d been possessed. He cried until his nose was too stuffy to breathe and his eyes were swollen and sandpapery. He must look a mess, his face bloated and blotchy, his nose red, his eyes bloodshot. He probably looked like a proper monster.
But when he finally had no choice but to lift his head, Binnie smiled at him. “There you are.”
San covered the other alpha’s eyes. “Ugh, don’t look at me like this.”
Binnie laughed, then gently grabbed San’s wrist, tugging his hand away. “Stop. You look beautiful. You couldn’t look ugly if you tried.”
San fixed him with a flat stare that was quickly ruined by a hiccup and a sniffle, drawing a snicker from the other alpha. “Shut up,” San whined.
San went to get up, but Binnie pulled him right back down. “Uh-uh, alpha. Not until we have a conversation.”
Somehow, San found himself straddling Binnie, leaning back against the other alpha’s bent knees. It wasn’t as uncomfortable as it maybe should have been. Binnie’s hands cupped his face, his rough thumbs caressing the delicate skin just beneath his eyes.
“Is all this because of me? Because of last night?” Binnie finally asked.
San froze, his mind blanking, chest aching. Finally, he shook his head only to change his mind and nod before giving a miserable, “Maybe.”
Binnie gave him a soft, sad smile. “If this is going to make you feel worse?—”
San covered his mouth, giving him a desperate look, wishing they could just communicate through osmosis. “It’s not what you think.” Binnie frowned, his confusion obvious. But he remained silent, patient, even as he stared, his scent reassuring, the pheromones he pumped out weirdly soothing. “I just—I’m working through some things…in my head. I don’t want you to think it’s all about you—Yes, it’s a little about you—but, mostly, it’s about me and my baggage. So, I just need you to…give me a minute.”
Binnie looked sad but once more gently tugged San’s hand away. “Have I been pressuring you? If so, I didn’t mean to.”
San shook his head. “No. No, not at all. You’ve been…you’ve been great. Perfect, even. This is all my bullshit. My family really fucked me up, you know. I don’t think I realized how much until last night. Or maybe this morning. I want to be the person you want me to be. The person you think I am…”
Binnie cut him off. “Who is it you think I think you are?”
They both stared at each other as the ridiculousness of Binnie’s question rolled over them, then they both burst out laughing. Once San started, he couldn’t seem to stop, peels of laughter reverberating through the small room. San’s laughter kept setting off Binnie’s until they were both in tears, like some kind of feedback loop.
When it finally died down, San’s face hurt from smiling and his chest hurt from crying and Binnie was looking at him like he was exactly the person he thought he was. San leaned forward and smacked a chaste kiss on his lips, cognizant of the fact that he hadn’t brushed his teeth since the vomiting incident.
Binnie didn’t seem to care, pressing their foreheads together for a brief moment before kissing him once more quickly. San finally forced himself to stand, Binnie following. Once they stood, they each grabbed a toothbrush and toothpaste, standing hip to hip as they brushed their teeth, each of them pointedly not looking at each other in the mirror as they did, blushing each time their eyes accidentally met.
It was silly. Last night, Binnie was grinding on his thigh, coming in his pants. Now, they were blushing like virgins while brushing their teeth. How were they both so much more comfortable with sex than domesticity?
This was the real intimacy San feared. This comfort. This trust. This vulnerability. Sure, sex meant a level of vulnerability, but San knew he was attractive, understood sex was a matter of attraction and biology. He could fuck someone and leave. But this…this was a different type of vulnerability. This was letting someone see him blotchy and messy and raw. This was letting him rely on another person for something other than an orgasm.
It was terrifying.
When they finished, Binnie gave him a hesitant look. “Shower?”
San chewed his bottom lip, heart in his throat. Finally, he nodded. Binnie turned the water on, letting it heat up, making sure they had what they needed to actually get clean. San stood there, useless, spiraling emotionally.
When the bathroom mirror began to fog over, Binnie reached for San’s shirt. He stood, still as a statue as he undressed him, only moving to return the favor once he was fully naked. He could feel Binnie’s eyes on him, could see the way he appreciated his body.
He tugged Binnie’s shirt over his head, trying to ignore that they were both half-hard. He forced himself to concentrate, getting the rest of his clothes off before they both stepped beneath the steamy water. He couldn’t stop the unrestrained moan that escaped as jets of water beat hard against his back. He tipped his head, eyes closed, wetting his hair, doing his best to avoid looking directly at Binnie.
He gasped as soapy hands settled on his chest, his eyes flying open. Fuck, Binnie looked hot. His dark hair slicked back off his face, his five o’clock shadow visible, water clinging to his lashes, beads rolling down his tan skin, following the curves of his muscular body.
He seemed to be waiting for permission. San gave a jerky nod, then quickly turned away from him, desperate to hide the effect Binnie had on him when they were barely touching.
But turning away proved worse somehow. Binnie’s hands were lethal. He didn’t just wash San, he dug his thumbs into the aching muscles at his neck and shoulders, working his way down methodically, pulling low moans and whispered curses from him every time he dug into a new knot. San had never had anyone touch him like this. He’d never trusted anyone to touch him like this.
When Binnie reached the spot at the base of his spine, digging fingers into the dimples just above his ass, San held his breath, wondering what Binnie would do next. He made a sad sound when those clever hands disappeared entirely, ignoring the other alpha’s cocky chuckle. A snarky retort died on his tongue as those soapy hands returned, skimming around his waist, teasing downward, following the deep groove of his hip bones only to change direction, rubbing circles over his flat belly up to his chest, his palms moving in sweeping circles.
San sucked in a sharp breath, almost inhaling water as Binnie closed the gap between them, his chest pressing to San’s back, his hard cock slotting between the globes of San’s ass. They were the perfect height for this, Binnie’s chin resting on San’s shoulder.
San’s chest rose and fell quickly, his blood rushing in his ears. Binnie’s soft tongue licked along the line of his throat, nipping at his earlobe, then sucking at it. San bit down on the inside of his cheek, trying to keep the whine building in his chest inside.
It was no use. Binnie was teasing this thumbs over San’s nipples, tugging and tweaking at them as he continued to bite and lick and suck at whatever skin he could find. San sagged against him, eyes closed, letting him do what he wanted. He couldn’t remember ever feeling this relaxed and horny at the same time. He was so hard he ached with it, but he made no move to take care of it. Just left himself in the other alpha’s hands.
Binnie’s lips slid down, mouth closing over his scent gland, just as his hands started making their slow descent. This time, there was no stopping the needy cry that escaped when Binnie cupped his balls. He washed them far more thoroughly than San ever had before, all while sucking bruise after bruise into his skin.
He hissed when Binnie’s soapy hand finally wrapped around his heavy cock, stroking him lightly, the featherlight touch making him want to scream. He needed him to touch him, wrap his fist around him and jerk him mercilessly until he was painting his release across the tiles.
But Binnie hesitated. “Can I?” he asked against his ear.
Instead of answering, San reached down, closing his hand over Binnie’s, forcing him to tighten his grip before dragging his own wet palm upwards to wrap around the other alpha’s bicep, feeling the muscle beneath flex each time he stroked San’s cock. Binnie’s other hand floated up, teasing San’s nipples again, this time with intent, lazily rolling his hips, working his own hard length between San’s cheeks.
He felt high, drugged, and delicious heat coiled in his belly, keeping his intrusive thoughts at bay. This was so good. Binnie was so good to him. So sweet. So giving. He loved him so much.
“Feel good?” he asked, biting San’s shoulder hard enough to drag a yelp from him.
San could only nod, unsure what might happen if he dared open his mouth. Binnie mouthed at his scent gland, jerking him faster, sharp teeth scraping the skin there, the tease of pain enough to have San imagining Binnie biting down, breaking skin, bonding them together forever.
The thought dragged another debauched moan from him. His hips started to move, driving his cock up through the tight circle of Binnie’s fist. He could feel his knot growing and wished he was buried inside the other alpha, imagined his tight walls squeezing around him, imagined the sounds Binnie would make as he bred him.
Binnie’s ragged breaths painted a picture. Him perched in San’s lap just like last night, only instead of riding his thigh he was impaled on his cock, head thrown back, grinding himself down on San’s knot, begging San to touch him, to make him come. San imagined his hand closing over Binnie’s own knot, squeezing just enough to make him whine, make him beg. Now that San knew what Binnie sounded like when he came, he couldn’t imagine anything else.
“I’m close,” he managed, moaning when Binnie sped up his movements like it was a race. His other hand fell away from his chest only to return at the base of his cock, wrapping around his knot and squeezing even as he jerked him. San shouted in surprise, his knees almost giving beneath him as a shot of pure ecstasy lit up his insides.
He couldn’t control himself anymore, couldn’t stop the desperate, needy sounds falling from his lips, loud even over the white noise of the shower. It was too much. This heat, this pressure, the feeling building and building low in his belly. Binnie was growling against his throat, working himself against San’s ass, his knot growing.
“Come on, alpha,” he rasped. “Come for me. Imagine locking your body into mine, stretching my body to its limits, pumping me full of your cum, making me take it. I can’t wait for you to finally breed me. Just want to be good for you, alpha. Wanna make you feel good. Wanna be cock-drunk, fucked dumb by my alpha. Please, San.”
That was it. San came with a deep moan, his orgasm tearing from him, hitting the tiles before the water washed it away.
It felt like it went on forever with Binnie milking his knot, squeezing it just right, until San was rendered non-verbal. When he could think again, he realized Binnie was still hard, pressed against his ass. He turned without thought, slanting their lips together, taking the opportunity to slide his tongue inside when Binnie gasped.
He kissed him how he’d wanted to kiss him all this time, hard and raw, all teeth and tongue, biting at his lips and jaw, sucking a mark over his scent gland until Binnie was begging for more.
San went to his knees before him. Binnie choked on a groan as he stared at him with wide eyes, pupils blown, mouth slack. San ran his hands up Binnie’s muscular thighs, burying his face in his crotch, rubbing his cheek against the smaller scent gland on his inner thigh, needing every part of the other alpha drenched in his scent.
The water sluicing over him was still hot, the bathroom fogged, trapping them in their own cozy bubble where nothing existed but them, but this. San gripped Binnie’s cock at the base, squeezing his barely-there knot as he took the head of his cock between his lips, sucking greedily, digging his tongue into the slit to taste him before the water could wash it away.
Binnie slapped his hand against the tile with a shout, staring down at San like he was a stranger. San stretched his mouth around Binnie’s large cock, jaw aching almost immediately. Somehow, that only added to San’s satisfaction. He wasn’t used to inconveniencing himself for the pleasure of others. He liked hurting for him. San didn’t know what to make of that.
So, he didn’t.
Instead, he took him deeper, bobbing his head, testing his own limits, losing himself in the clean taste of his skin and his smoke and cherries scent. When Binnie’s hand fell to his wet hair, San looked up. Finding the other alpha’s wrecked expression had him reaching down to squeeze his own knot once more, and another hit of pure bliss rocketed through him, making him moan around Binnie’s girth.
Binnie didn’t try to force himself deeper or make San take more than he could; he just petted his head like he wanted to show his appreciation. His knot was almost fully popped, his whole body rigid, his eyes shut, bottom lip trapped between his teeth like he was trying to keep himself in check.
He was so fucking sexy. San wished he could sketch him just like this, that look on his face, that shock of pleasure that came from San on his knees for him. He wanted to see him fall apart again. He tightened his hand at the base, feeling a sense of triumph as Binnie sagged against the tile wall like he could no longer hold himself up.
“I’m close,” he warned, breathless.
San doubled his efforts, releasing himself to grip Binnie’s hip, tugging him forward, hoping he’d get the point. His eyes snapped downward, locking with San’s, the question written across his handsome face. San nodded as much as he could, moaning around Binnie’s length when the other alpha started working himself between his lips with short, shallow thrusts.
San wrapped both hands around the other alpha’s knot, earning another pained cry from Binnie, whose thrusts were rapidly growing sloppy, the head of his cock battering San’s tonsils, his knot pressing against his lips. It was painful, excruciating even, but he’d never been so fucking turned on in his life.
‘Fuck, I’m gonna…” Binnie tried, head tipped back. “You should…”
San eased back so he didn’t drown, but made no other move to pull off. Binnie came with a hoarse cry, his bitter release filling San’s mouth faster than he could swallow, forcing it to leak from his lips and down his chin. It seemed never-ending.
By the time Binnie slipped from San’s lips, the shower spray had washed away whatever evidence of his release had remained. He let Binnie pull him to his feet, let him hug him tightly, kiss his throat, kiss his lips, fuck his tongue into his mouth to taste himself on his tongue.
Even when they stopped kissing, they just clung to each other. When the hot water turned tepid, they quickly washed each other’s hair, wrenching the water off just before it turned too cold to handle. They returned to their own separate rooms to dress, then wandered into the kitchen. San made them coffee and Binnie made breakfast, working around each other seamlessly, something they’d been doing for a while at the big house.
They ate on the couch, Binnie’s feet in San’s lap, then spent the afternoon with San sketching and Binnie reading. San loved and hated it in equal measure. He loved how easy it was to just exist with Binnie, but he hated how much of his heart Binnie already owned. Still, when the storm started up again, San’s stomach didn’t fill with dread, and he didn’t immediately think of his mother’s pain and suffering.
They ate dinner, laughing and swapping stories about the others, and when they found themselves back on the couch, San thought nothing of putting his head in Binnie’s lap, letting him play with his hair as they speculated which of their friends would have a bite when they returned.
When it was time for bed, San took his head and led the other alpha back to Binnie’s bed. Once under the blankets, they faced each other, Binnie holding his arm up. San slotted between them, head on his bicep, tangling their legs together, for once easily falling asleep with the other alpha’s heartbeat thudding reassuringly in his ear.