Chapter 23
Alaric hasn’t said a single word to me ever since I told him what happened to me with Edwin. I don’t know what to think of it.
When I finally clock out, Alaric is there waiting in the car but he still doesn’t talk. The drive back to the motel is silent and not comfortable. A quiet Alaric gives me pause and makes me anxious but since he’s still silent, I don’t pipe up to say anything either.
Slowly but surely, we get where we’re staying and we head in. Alaric still hasn’t talked, I’d like to say that I would have liked this version of him more because it meant he wouldn’t be threatening me left and right.
I don’t sit and compare Alaric and Edwin because I don’t see myself with Alaric. Outside of his viper-like tongue when it spews words, he is handsome but only when he’s quiet. Like now, any other time, there’s no thought process about it.
There’s a nerve that he strikes in me that makes me want to continually say something back even if I know it’ll lead me in more danger and murky waters when it comes to Alaric Crowne.
It’s nothing compared to how he claims he owns me.
I don’t care about that since all I can think about is how I’ve taken three lives when it could’ve simply been my own in exchange for his wife and child.
I would never wish for anyone to lose their spouse like that, even Edwin if he were a nice person.
I’m not delusional as to say deep down Edwin has a good heart, no. Maybe at first I could’ve thought that but after what he put me through, there wasn’t a chance.
The removal of his clothes nudges me out of my thoughts. Alaric is naked as the day he was born, my eyes blink profusely as I try to register what he’s doing.
My eyes scan over him quickly picking up things I didn’t care to pick up this morning. This isn’t a lust filled moment or anything, it’s just an observation.
My eyes notice that he has a tattoo on his left arm.
It is a small tattoo of a rose. It makes me wonder why he has it.
The rose reminds me of the one the beast had.
He depended so much on it because it was his lifeline.
But there was always that whisper of lies going around the mansion.
He was lying to himself that he couldn’t beat the last petal.
That he couldn’t be selfless or change in some way.
In his own way. That he wouldn’t be a representation of how he truly saw himself inside.
He behaved like a beast when he was human instead of remembering the things that made him human… he only remembered that much later. Was it too late? Is it too late for me?
Whispers and self whisperings too can be so deceiving. They are like little lies that we tell ourselves. We either comfort ourselves, or we hurt. But either way, they aren’t always accurate.
I remember when I was a child, I would tell myself little whispers to help me fall asleep.
I would tell myself that I was the most special and important person in the world like my dad used to tell me.
That he and my mother loved me and I was perfect just the way I was.
And for a while, those whispers worked. I would drift off to sleep feeling happy and content.
But as I got older, I realized that those whispers weren’t always true and I don’t know what changed it. What the catalyst was that made me feel what I thought when I was younger was a fairytale. Just dreams to lull myself to sleep.
Those words didn’t stop. They continued especially with Edwin…
he always told me that I was not always the most special and important person in the world.
That people did not always love me. And that I was not perfect but I was perfect in his eyes, I was important in his eyes and that made me feel special again.
Now, lately, I’ve been catching myself whispering little lies to myself from time to time.
But I’m trying my best to be aware of them.
I try to catch myself when I do it, and question why I am telling myself this lie.
Is it to make myself feel better in that particular moment? Or is it because I truly believe it?
Just like with Edwin, I was going to follow him outside. Check on him and tell myself that I was facing him head-on. Telling him that I was strong and a survivor despite what he did to me and what he put me through but that wasn’t it, was it?
It was the lies that I whispered repeatedly to myself to make me feel complete. To feel whole.
“I’m going to take a shower.”
“Okay.” Was all I could respond to because my brain was conjuring up scene after scene of how Edwin wasn’t a good man and I ignored it.
I didn’t see the signs leading up to it all.
He manipulated me and I allowed it to a certain extent. I won’t blame myself for him being a bastard who hurt me repeatedly and instilled fear in me but now… like before I ran… I want to get him back.
I want him to learn what true fear is. I stand and make my way to the shower where Alaric is.
"He always told me I was too sensitive. That I was too emotional. That I needed to learn to control my reactions better. I tried so hard to please him, to be what he wanted me to be. But it was never enough.” I start and Alaric doesn’t say anything so I continue to talk.
“He would find fault in everything I did. He would criticize me for the way I dressed, the way I talked, the way I walked. He would tell me I was lazy, or stupid, or that I was never good enough even though I was practically raised with more etiquette than he could ever muster in his bones. I began to believe his words. I began to think that maybe he was right, and that I really was worthless. I was nothing. So, I stayed with him. I put up with his abuse, because I thought I deserved it. I thought I deserved everything he threw at me, because I was nothing.”
“What changed?” Alaric asks me. “What made you drive out like that, that night?”
“Edwin came home and I knew he had some drinks in him. I just knew it then he struck me again. This time, I knew he was going to kill me. For a man to go as fa—,” I stop and take a deep breath before I continue.
“I thought he loved me but he hurt me in more ways than one that night. Edwin forced himself on me when I didn’t want him to.
He ripped out a part of me that I never thought he could so at that moment, I realized that I didn't have to take it anymore.
I didn't have to put up with his abuse. I could leave.”
I take a deep breath and as I release it, tears fall down my face.
“And so I did. It was the best thing I ever did but I fucked up, Alaric. I’m sorry for what I ripped from you and I’ll pay you back tenfold. I understand that now.”
Alaric pulls the shower curtain back and stands there looking at me with his arms crossed over his chest.
“How will you do that?” He cocks his brow.
“I will serve Edwin up to you. He’s the problem and the catalyst. He was chasing after me that night and I crashed into your family. I will stay with you and suffer in accordance as I should but help me take him down, Alaric.”
Alaric doesn’t say a word for a spell but he shuts off the water and steps out, grabbing his towel. I look away and I feel the tips of his wet fingers on my chin as he turns me to face him again.
“You are a Crowne now, Juli. You can take him down without me but I will help you. Only because my son survived what his donor did to you both. Edwin will pay and you will serve it to him.”
“Thank you.” I say and Alaric doesn’t say anything as he stares into my eyes.
It’s not romantic or anything but there is an expression there I don’t understand. After a moment, he nods and walks away.