Chapter 16
ANNIE
Something light traced across my shoulder, feathering over the jagged scar Dread had left behind.
A shiver rippled through me, pulling me from the depths of my first dreamless sleep in months.
I opened my eyes to find Cipher propped up on one elbow beside me, his finger tracing the raised edge of my scar.
The room was still dark, the city lights casting shadows across his face.
“Go back to sleep, Annie,” he murmured.
But it was too late. I remembered where I was, what I’d done, who I’d done it with. The mask still clung to my face, the only barrier I’d maintained while surrendering everything else.
Shame and panic collided within me as I shoved upright, the sheet falling away as I scrambled toward the edge of the bed.
Cipher’s hand closed around my wrist. “Calm down.”
“I need to go.” My voice sounded strange, high and tight, bordering on hysteria.
“Why?” He didn’t release my wrist, his thumb brushing over my pulse point. “It’s not even dawn yet.”
I stared at the windows, at the darkness beyond the glass. The city twinkled below us, oblivious to my internal meltdown. What had I been thinking? I’d let myself do all those things with him, while I hid behind a mask like a coward.
“Annie.” His voice softened, and somehow that was worse than his usual commanding tone. “Look at me.”
I couldn’t.
“I can’t do this. Last night was—“
“Exactly what you needed,” he finished.
“No.” I twisted my wrist in his grip, pushing against his chest with my free hand. “I need to leave. Now.”
He rolled me beneath him, pinning my wrists above my head. His weight settled over me, solid and warm, caging me without crushing me.
“Stop running, Annie. If you run, I’m going to catch you. Every single fucking time.”
I turned my face away, staring at the wall. “Get off me.”
“Look at me.” When I didn’t, his fingers caught my chin, turning my face toward his. His other hand released my wrists, moving toward my mask.
“Don’t—“
His fingers slid beneath the edge of the mask and he lifted it away, exposing my face.
I blinked furiously as hot tears of anger and shame burned behind my eyes. I refused to let them fall.
“Stop,” he commanded, his thumb brushing my cheekbone. “Nothing you want from me is something to run from.” His eyes held mine, unflinching. “I’m giving you freedom, Annie. I’m giving you everything you ask for.”
“I’m asking to leave,” I whispered, hating how my voice cracked.
His palm cupped my face, thumb stroking across my lower lip. “I’ll give you anything except the ability to destroy yourself.”
A bitter laugh escaped me. “You’ll be the one to destroy me.” My chest tightened, each breath becoming harder to take. The room felt like it was closing in, the weight of everything—Cipher, my choices, my weakness—crushing me.
“Look at me.” He took my wrist and pressed my palm flat against his chest. Beneath my shaking hand, his heartbeat was a steady, infuriatingly calm thud.
“Breathe with me, Annie. Match it.”
I tried to yank my hand back. I needed to run. My lungs burned and the edges of my vision started to blur.
“Inhale,” he ordered. His chest expanded under my palm.
I obeyed before I could even think better of it and dragged in a breath.
“Exhale.”
I let it out on a choked gasp. He kept my hand pinned to his chest, forcing my frantic, shallow breathing to sync with his slow rhythm.
I inhaled when he inhaled. I exhaled when he exhaled.
The crushing tightness in my chest finally cracked. Oxygen flooded my system and I slumped in exhaustion, my hand still resting over his heart.
“Better?” he murmured.
I nodded reluctantly.
With my heart rate slowing to match his, unease started to creep in as a cold sliver of doubt worked its way through the fading adrenaline.
I stared at my fingers resting against his chest. He had bypassed my brain and taken control of my physical responses.
Was he doing this on purpose? He had to know that by making himself the cure to my panic, my body would instinctively crave his heartbeat the next time the walls closed in.
Then again, maybe my paranoia was just looking for an excuse to push him away. Maybe he genuinely just wanted to help me breathe.
I couldn’t tell the difference anymore. I knew he loved me, but he was still a manipulator. I had no idea if he was deliberately setting a trap, or if he simply didn’t know how to comfort someone without turning himself into their only lifeline.
I lifted my head just enough to meet his gaze in the shadows. “I can’t tell if you’re manipulating me right now.”
Cipher slid his hand up to cup the back of my neck and his thumb came to rest right over my pulse.
“I am,” he said quietly. “I want you to heal. But I don’t know how to love you without making sure I’m the one you need to do it.”
I couldn’t summon the energy to be angry. I wasn’t sure I could be angry. He’d already warned me his love wasn’t gentle. I didn’t think he knew how to exist with someone without holding the leverage.
“You think I’ll destroy you,” he said. “But you’ve already survived the worst I could do. I betrayed you, and you’re still standing.”
The reminder stung, but less sharply than before. “That’s not exactly a selling point for round two.”
A ghost of a smile touched his lips. “No, but it proves you’re stronger than you think.” His hand slid into my hair. “Strong enough to take what you want without running away afterward.”
I swallowed hard. “And if what I want is to leave?”
“Then I’d ask you to be honest about why.” His gaze was too perceptive. “Is it because you don’t want to be here? Or because you’re afraid of wanting to stay?”
“I can’t forgive you. I still hate you for what you did.”
Cipher’s expression didn’t change. He leaned down and pressed his lips against mine.
“That’s okay.” His thumb traced the curve of my jaw. “My invitation from last night still stands. Take your anger out on me. Take your hate out on me. I won’t judge you for anything you ask for or want, Annie. I’ll give it all to you without question.”
“And what do you want in return?” Because even though he loved me, nothing was without a cost with him.
“Nothing.”
“Liar,” I bit out.
“I want you,” he admitted. “But I won’t ask for anything in return. Not your forgiveness. Not your love. Not even your time beyond what you choose to give.”
“I don’t believe you.”
His fingers combed through my hair, gentle where last night they had been rough at my demand. “With time, hopefully you will.”
Cipher reached for my mask where it lay discarded on the bed. He turned it over, studying the design he’d created specifically for me.
“All you have to do is message me when you need to fall apart,” he said, his focus still on the mask. “Just tell me, and I’ll drop everything—fucking everything—and come to you.”
He was offering something I wasn’t sure I could trust but desperately wanted to believe in.
“Why would you do that?”
His eyes lifted to mine, silver and unflinching. “Because I’ve seen what happens when you hold everything inside until you break. Because you deserve someone who can handle all of you, the perfect Keeper and the mess underneath.”
He placed the mask back down.
“Because no matter how much you hate me,” he said quietly, “I’d rather be the Villain you unleash your darkness on than watch you destroy yourself containing it.”
What kind of person would I be to use him like that? To take his body, his touch, his attention whenever I needed to feel something other than numb, knowing I couldn’t offer forgiveness in return?
The kind of person I never wanted to become.
“I can’t be that person, Cipher. I can’t use you as my personal punching bag just because you’re offering. That would make me...” I trailed off, searching for the right word.
“Human?” he suggested, his lips quirking up at one corner.
I shook my head. “Cold. Cruel. The kind of person who uses others without caring about the damage.”
Cipher leaned down, trailing kisses along my jaw, down to the sensitive spot where my neck met my shoulder. I sucked in a breath against the dull ache of his teeth scraping lightly against the bruise he’d left there last night.
“I know you can’t be that person,” he murmured against my neck. “At least not really. Not long-term. I don’t want you to be anyone or anything other than what you want to be, what you need to be.”
Something in his tone made me pull back enough to see his face.
“What do you need to be?” I asked.
“Yours.”
“That’s not fair,” I whispered, my fingers curling against his chest where I could still feel his heart beating. “You can’t just say things like that.”
“Why not? It’s the truth.”
I closed my eyes, unable to look at him. “Because it makes it harder to hate you.”
“Good.” His lips brushed my forehead. “Hate me less. Want me more. The rest will sort itself out.”
His lips found mine again, and this time, I didn’t turn away. I melted into him, my body betraying my mind’s stubborn resistance. His hands traced my sides with a gentleness I hadn’t allowed him to show me last night.
“Open for me,” he murmured against my lips, his hand sliding down my thigh.
I let my legs part, and he settled between them, his weight both comforting and terrifying.
When he pushed inside me, the ease of it was almost embarrassing. My body was ready for him despite all my mental protests. He swallowed my moan with his kiss, his tongue sliding against mine.
“Cipher,” I gasped, a note of panic rising in my chest. This was too intimate, too exposed without my mask, without the shield of anger.
“Shhh.” His forehead pressed against mine, his eyes holding me captive. “Just feel me, Annie. Nothing else matters right now.”
He moved slowly, almost torturously so, each thrust making me acutely aware of every inch of him.
His hand slid beneath my thigh, lifting my leg and looping it over his arm. The position opened me further, allowing him to push deeper. I cried out as he hit that perfect spot inside me.
“That’s it,” he encouraged, his pace remaining maddeningly slow. “Let me hear you.”