CHAPTER FIVE #4
“Then there’s me.” I swallowed. I could feel Collith looking my way, and I wanted to stare out the windshield.
But I met his gaze and continued, “I’m scared of myself and what I can do.
How using my power causes a rush of … euphoria, even when I’m hurting someone.
I’ve always struggled with it. I wish I could be just one thing.
A human, or a Nightmare. But I can’t seem to stay in one world.
I can’t be what I am and pretend to be human, too.
“Around Lucifer, that struggle went away. Around him, I felt … normal.” A bitter smile touched my lips. “The entire world may judge Eve, but I’m no better than she was. It was only toward the end that I started to break free of Lucifer’s influence. After … after I disemboweled Belanor.”
I winced and looked away. Collith’s voice was soft as he told me, “You’re not giving yourself enough credit, Fortuna. You didn’t give yourself to the dark. You came back. You said it yourself—his power is intoxicating, and you were exposed to it for months.”
“I wish it were that simple. I wish I could blame everything on that. But it wasn’t just magic, Collith, or physical attraction.
There were times I thought I saw … I thought I caught a glimpse of someone,” I murmured.
“A real man, instead of some ancient monster. He was so sad, and broken, and lost. Something about him made me want to offer comfort, in spite of everything he’d done. How twisted is that?”
The sound of my laugh was harsh in the small, dim space. A commercial came on the radio, and a voice floated between us, the upbeat tone at odds with the tension.
“It’s not twisted at all, Fortuna. Your compassion is one of the reasons I love you.” Collith’s expression didn’t change as he said this, and he didn’t look over at me. Then he added, “I’m sure it’s why he fell in love with you, too.”
I made a soft, bitter sound and looked away, back toward the starry sky. “Lucifer doesn’t love me. I was a means to an end, and once he got what he wanted, he tried to kill me,” I said.
Collith’s fingers tightened on the steering wheel.
“I spent a lifetime with the Dark Prince. I know how his mind works, and it’s nothing like how you and I think.
He doesn’t consider violence or pain as betrayals.
To him, they’re just tools. Reality. Hell is not a place any living creature is supposed to survive, and now he rules it.
He didn’t get there by holding onto his humanity. ”
“It almost sounds like you’re defending him,” I said.
Collith made a soft, humorless sound. “Lucifer took my body apart more times than I can count. When I think about the two of you together, I want to rip something apart with my bare hands. And if I get the chance, I won’t hesitate to kill him. But helping you is more important than my ego.”
A response had been gathering in my throat. It faded by the time he finished, and a strange tightness filled my chest. I ignored it. “So you’re saying he must love me because I’m alive right now?”
Collith’s eyes flicked in my direction. “You’re a weakness, Fortuna, and the devil doesn’t like weaknesses. He also doesn’t like loose ends. You’re both.”
I turned my face away, looking out the window again. “Or maybe he’s just not done with me yet,” I murmured.
This time, Collith didn’t reply. But I felt his fear, just as surely as he felt mine.
Neither of us spoke after that, and the only sound in the car was low music floating from the speakers.
I tried to focus on Oliver and what I was about to do.
Collith and I had brought a cache of holy weapons in case we did find him—knives, swords, guns.
I pictured it, over and over, just as Oliver had once instructed.
I’d had months to get used to the idea of his death, but the image of killing my best friend still made something inside me recoil.
If God really was orchestrating all of this, he was a sick bastard, I thought. I rested my temple against the window and kept going, picturing the moment again. Lifting the gun. Pointing it at Oliver’s face. Pulling the trigger.
“Bang,” I whispered.
I didn’t mean to say it out loud, but thankfully, Collith pressed on the brakes at the same time and said, “This is it.”
He pulled the car over, and we both got out.
The air was balmy, and it pressed in on every side as we started down a private driveway, instinctively keeping to the shadows.
There was a barn to our left, and it looked abandoned.
There were no other buildings in sight. No neighbors, either.
It was the perfect place to hide if you were a huge, violent beast from another dimension.
But Collith didn’t seem to be stopping, which meant he hadn’t sensed anything inside the barn.
Every time the moonlight passed over his face, I saw the rigid set to his jaw.
I shared his tension, and I knew the reason for it even though he hadn’t said anything—we hadn’t been able to form much of a plan, since there was no way of knowing where we would find Oliver tonight.
We also didn’t know his weaknesses or his healing capabilities.
I’d just figured I would shoot him in the face with a holy bullet and go from there.
Without warning, Collith slammed me against the side of the barn.
I gasped and his hand clapped over my mouth.
His hazel eyes burned into mine, and there wasn’t any part of him that wasn’t fused to me.
Collith bent his head, and I felt his cool breath as he whispered, “We’re leaving.
You didn’t tell me how big he was, Fortuna.
Taking that thing on with just the two of us is fucking suicide.
I’ll lead it away, then loop back around. Meet me at the car. I’m not asking.”
I was about to argue when Collith darted into the open.
He moved with the speed of a faerie, blurring across the lawn.
The Beast spotted him immediately, of course, and a rumbling snarl tore through the night.
I caught a glimpse of an enormous, winged shadow against the ground before I edged around the corner of the barn, trying not to breathe even as my heart raced.
I kept my back against the wall, my eyes wide as I strained to hear anything else.
Should I go after Collith? What if he needed help?
My gaze rose to scan the sky, and in doing so, I caught sight of the car off in the distance. I thought of Collith’s parting words. There was no cover between the barn and where we’d parked. If I made a run for it, I’d be exposed.
I waited another beat, but I still didn’t hear anything. Knowing Collith, he was probably leading the Beast as far from here as possible. I could stay and cower, or get to the car, ditch this half-assed plan, and go home. I told myself to run on the count of three. One. Two. Three.
I bolted from my hiding place.
I’d only gone a few steps when I slowed, then stopped. I clenched my jaw against another surge of terror as I realized I couldn’t go to the car. Not without Collith. He might have ordered me to wait for him there, but when had I ever listened to an order?
I was about to turn when a sound shattered the stillness. It was brief, soft, but the silence was so absolute that it felt like a gunshot.
Time stopped.
My chest heaved as I spun to confront the Beast. It squatted on the roof of the barn, every detail and feature shrouded in darkness. There was only the shape of its ominous wings and the feel of its gaze on me. The sound I’d heard must’ve been its landing.
Where was Collith? I tried to search the Beast’s hands for any sign of blood, but the moon had retreated and I could barely see anything.
The creature didn’t move. I was still frozen in terror, but when seconds ticked past and nothing happened, other thoughts began to trickle in.
Did this thing even recognize me, or was it as mindless as it seemed?
Judging from the state of the crime scenes, the Beast was more animal than anything else.
Thinking about those bodies made my breathing falter. Was it possible for the pulse to speed up and slow down at the same time?
Gritting my teeth, I tipped my head back and glared straight into the Beast’s face, or where I thought it was.
My fists clenched so hard that fresh pinpricks of pain flared up—nails.
The pain cleared my head a little. I put my arm behind me, trying to keep every movement furtive as I reached for the gun in the waistband of my jeans.
I had to keep the Beast’s attention away from it, somehow.
“I’m not afraid of you,” I whispered. A sliver of pride went through me when there was no trembling in the statement, no obvious underlying falsehood.
The Beast still didn’t react. My breathing was uneven as I tried to work up the courage to wrap my fingers around the gun. That hulking shape just sat there. Suddenly I felt a strange, inexplicable rush of irritation. Why didn’t it do something? Attack, leave, anything?
Fuck this. I tensed, finally about to raise the gun.
Then the frozen air shattered when the Beast murmured back, “I don’t want you to be afraid of me.”