CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE #2
I stopped near the threshold. I stared at those distant thrones and couldn’t bring myself to take another step.
Collith murmured something to the guards, and I sensed them retreating.
The courtiers had already started to gather.
None of them noticed us yet. I didn’t want to embarrass Collith, and I silently commanded myself to move forward …
but my feet wouldn’t move. I could feel Collith studying me.
“You don’t want to do this.” It wasn’t a question, but he still waited for an answer. I turned toward him. Silence swelled between us. When I didn’t deny it, Collith bent his head so I couldn’t see his expression. Pain clawed deep into my heart.
“I do love you, Collith. More than I can say. This doesn’t …
” I faltered. My hands curled into fists.
As I struggled to form a response, I thought about the conversation I’d just had with Nuvian.
I exhaled and spoke slowly, deliberately.
“It feels like I’m stepping into someone else’s story, just when I was finally given the chance to write my own.
You may have been born to be a king, but sitting on a throne isn’t for me, Collith.
It’s not just because I don’t trust myself not to let the power go to my head again. ”
“You could learn …” he started desperately. I was already shaking my head.
“I don’t want to learn, Collith. This isn’t the life I choose.
I choose happiness. I choose myself. And that’s okay, I’m not ashamed of it.
” I stopped, swallowing. “This whole summer, whenever I was with you and Laurie, I felt a little sad. Even when I was happy, it was there. I think I’ve known for a long time what’s right for me. What I need to do.”
I raised my gaze. It felt like someone was beating at my heart with their bare fists. I was about to continue when Collith looked away, his jaw working. I’d have thought he was angry were it not for his eyes, or the faint flavor on my tongue.
“I can’t do this without you, Fortuna,” Collith whispered. “Before we met, I accomplished nothing. You did more in one month than I did in one decade.”
“Hey.” Suddenly I didn’t care who was watching us.
I moved closer and cupped Collith’s face in my hands, my fingers resting gently on that jagged scar.
“You are not the faerie I met that day in the black market. You don’t have to be as …
brutal as I was, but I don’t think you’re capable of just sitting there anymore.
It’s more than a big, creepy chair now.”
His gaze traced my features while his own eyes shone with pain. “I love you,” he said.
I smiled sadly. “I know.”
Collith bent his head. I expected a chaste kiss, but his hands slid around my waist and pulled me close.
He claimed my mouth without hesitation, without restraint, reminding me exactly what I’d be missing.
It was one of the first things I’d liked about him, I remembered as I wrapped my arms around Collith’s neck and kissed him back.
When Collith broke the kiss and pulled away, he didn’t say goodbye. He’d promised me a life of hellos, after all. And technically, I was the one leaving.
I turned from him just as the drums started. I kept the image of Collith there in my mind, memorizing every detail. I heard footsteps and voices as the guards moved and the crowd spotted their king.
I told myself I wouldn’t look back, but when I reached the far doorway, I gave in to the urge. My vantage point was perfect. From where I stood, I could see Collith walking through the crowd, that gnarled throne looming.
The mural above him snagged my attention. It took me several moments to pinpoint what had changed—someone had added to it again. The painter’s skill was considerable, and it was obvious the face staring out from above the doorway was my own.
Then something moved, drawing my gaze back downward.
Lyari stood beneath the archway now. She wasn’t wearing her Guardian armor, which meant she’d probably just come to witness the return of a Sylvyre to the throne.
I could still see Collith behind her, and the drum filled my ears.
My heart beat in tandem with its steady rhythm.
I want to leave, I realized suddenly. Right now. In the past year, I’d experienced every kind of torture and pain imaginable. Watching the person I loved make vows to a crown instead of me was one I would spare myself.
As I prepared myself, my gaze returned to Lyari, and she nodded at me. Smiling faintly, I nodded back.
With that, I walked away from the throne room again, and this time I didn’t stop. The train of my dress dragged behind me, and I put the Unseelie Court behind me. Not a queen, not a mate, not a player. Just … Fortuna. And that was okay. More than okay.
The earthen walls swallowed the sound of my footsteps as I left the Unseelie Court for the last time.
When I emerged from the trees, Laurie’s slender form stood in the distance.
His back was turned to me, to the loft. Of course he was standing directly in a beam of moonlight, because Laurie was drawn to any spotlight within a mile radius.
I couldn’t bring myself to mock him, though.
I walked the rest of the way to the Seelie King, then stopped beside him.
His nostrils flared, and I knew what he was scenting on me.
On my dress. On my skin. But Laurie’s expression didn’t reveal anything.
“So you chose him,” he remarked. “I’d heard as much. Not from you, of course. Tabby mentioned it.”
“Well, Tabitha’s information is outdated. I actually chose myself.” I tipped my chin toward the sky, admiring a sprinkling of stars. “Will you be paying a visit to the Unseelie Court to congratulate the new king?”
Laurie was silent for a beat, as if I’d surprised him. “No,” he said finally. “My days of lurking around that place are finished.”
I was tempted to ask why, but I also didn’t want to know. I needed to walk away from both of them, and I wouldn’t be able to do that if I kept making the same choices. At least for a while.
Maybe Laurie had already guessed what was coming.
As we stood there, he didn’t ask any questions or try to whisk me off to some country or other.
He was dressed more conservatively than usual, too, in simple dress slacks and a button-up shirt with the sleeves pushed to his elbows.
I longed to lean my head on his shoulder, but the time for leaning on Laurelis Dondarte had come to an end, like so much else.
“Hey, if neither of us are married by the time we’re nine hundred, how about we just marry each other?” I suggested, hoping to lighten the mood a little.
Laurie did smile, but it wasn’t the one I’d been hoping for. This smile was the shadow behind the sun, the dark side of the moon. “I knew the moment I laid eyes on you, Fortuna Sworn, that you were a heartbreaker. And I consider it an honor to have had mine broken by you,” he told me.
“Laurie …” I swallowed. “I was scared, but I was also being selfish. I didn’t want to let you go. I didn’t want to lose this.”
Once again, the Seelie King fell silent. Somewhere in the trees, a bird began to sing. Its call echoed over the dim yard. I searched for the flutter of wings, or any sign of the small creature hopping from branch to branch, but it was too dark.
“Nothing ends, Fortuna Sworn,” Laurie said at last, drawing my attention back to him. “There are only continuations and beginnings.”
He’d first said those words to me when I was at the Unseelie Court trying to save my brother.
Laurie and I had been strangers then, and hearing him say it now felt like a cut and a kiss.
In a way, he was right. He and I had come full circle, just as I had with Collith.
And now, finally, there was nothing left to say. No more arguments, no more confessions.
Well, I amended silently, maybe there was one more.
“I love you,” I told Laurie.
He went still. Then he turned, taking his hands from his pockets.
I expected him to kiss me. Instead, Laurie wrapped his arms around me, his grip fierce and gentle at the same time.
Recovering, my eyes fluttered shut and my hands slowly rose to hug him back.
I pressed into his body and breathed in, knowing this would probably be the last time I’d be able to for a long, long time.
That springtime fragrance assailed my senses.
“I love you, too,” Laurie said huskily, cupping the back of my head as if I was something infinitely precious. I felt his chest move like he was memorizing my scent, too.
And then I was holding onto nothing, my arms embracing nothing but air.
They fell to my sides, empty. I tipped my head back and peered up at the barn.
That was my last goodbye, I thought. I’d said my farewells to everyone else.
No one was expecting me back, since I’d assumed I would stay at Court after the coronation.
I could’ve kept living at the loft part-time, like I had before, but I didn’t want to do anything at half-measures anymore.
There was one thing I needed, though. I headed for the barn and slipped inside, moving quietly so I wouldn’t wake anyone.
Five minutes later, Hello yowled her displeasure as I put her in the backseat. “I know, I know,” I crooned at her. “Who’s such a good kitty?”
When I straightened, I jumped at the sight of my brother leaning against the side of the car. “Damon, what are you—”
“Don’t bother,” he said.
Whatever I’d been about to say faded as his meaning became clear.
It was the same thing Damon had told me on my eighteenth birthday, when I was leaving Dave and Maureen’s.
Even now, all these years later, I could picture him in that moment, his young face so determined and earnest. So completely Damon.
Don’t bother. I’m going with you. We made a promise, remember?
I was about to speak when my brother added, straightening from the car, “I just need some time to get ready. I’ll need to pack a bag for Matthew, too.”
He didn’t ask why I wasn’t at the Unseelie Court getting crowned with Collith.
He didn’t mention Danny, or his job, or any of the other reasons why he couldn’t come this time.
But the fact he was willing to leave it all behind for me, even temporarily, made a lump swell in my throat.
I stepped forward and held Damon’s elbows in my palms, smiling up at him.
“Things are different now, little brother. You have a family of your own to look after.” I stood on tiptoe and pressed a soft kiss against his cheek. “I’ll be all right. I promise. Nightmares may be lies, but we don’t have to—
“—be liars,” Damon finished. He knew I was right, but a struggle still shone in his eyes. “Are you sure?”
I gave him another soft smile. “I am.”
“Okay.” He looked down at me for a moment, as if he was trying to read my mind. Then Damon nodded and said again, more firmly this time, “Okay.”
To hide the pain in my own eyes, I stepped closer and embraced him. Damon was so startled that he froze for a moment. Then his long arms wound around me, and for a few seconds, we stayed like that. “I’ll miss you,” he murmured.
I pulled away. I felt a tugging sensation within me, and I knew if I didn’t leave now, I never would. “I’ll call you from the road. And I’ll send you guys so many updates you’ll probably get sick of me.”
“Not possible.” Damon moved back, his expression solemn as he watched me reach for the small bag I’d packed.
I circled the car and opened the door, tossing my bag into the passenger seat.
Just as I put my foot inside, I paused. I tipped my head back and looked up at the barn.
Then I looked at Cyrus’s house, and those far off trees I’d walked through so many times during the seasons we had lived here.
I knew, no matter where I went or how many people I met, this would always be home.
Some things embedded not just in your heart, but in your very soul, and there was no way of removing them. Not time, not distance. Not even death.
My throat filled again, and I lingered there, holding the door with white fingers. I was afraid. Afraid to actually get in that car and drive away, move on to somewhere different and unknown.
But I was a Nightmare. I knew what fear did to people.
So I got in the car, and I drove.