Chapter 22
Chapter Twenty-Two
Evander
Everyone had left for the day. This morning, I would’ve never guessed how pleasant the bustle of activity was. All my cousins. Everyone got along. Hard work. Seeing my parents laugh with people they used to only fight with. And through it all, Violet had been here. I’d worried about how she was feeling and whether she’d been enjoying herself, but having her in my house assuaged many of those concerns.
Violet sat on the top step with Flo and Poly. Her serene expression knit itself in my chest. The woman drove me wild until I wanted to do nothing more than drive into her all day and night. Then she calmed me, filled me with a peace I had no clue existed. She smiled as she petted each cat.
They had gone into hiding for most of the day. They’d been frolicking in the pumpkin patch until more and more kids had arrived and taken an interest in the kittens. Eventually, the environment grew too unpredictable for the cats and they’d vanished, only to reappear again when the last pickup had driven away. I used to be like that when I’d been home on leave.
Violet had stayed behind, agreeing to let me drive her home. She came today, hung out with my family, and it seemed she wanted a little more time with me. All good signs. But were they enough? Did she feel enough for me to give me another chance?
Those crystal-blue eyes met mine as she petted the snoozing kitten in her arms. “You replaced the steps.”
“I needed to make sure they were safe for pregnant ladies.”
She smiled, but not all of it reached her eyes. Was she tired? “Did you have fun today?”
Yes. A ton. I’d felt like a kid again. Cousins everywhere. Laughter. The adults only stopping in to check on us. Aunt Kira had been by, and as soon as her eyes misted over when she took in the crowd, she’d left. The odd smile Uncle Cameron had worn the whole time, along with the wonder on Aunt Naomi’s face, was nothing like my childhood. They hadn’t stayed any longer than Aunt Kira. Then there was Uncle Allen, Archer and Ansen’s dad. He’d been having as much fun as my dad. I’d never seen Dad grill for so long—or smile so wide.
Today was humbling. “It was a good day.” I dropped to sit next to her. Poly ditched her lap for mine. “Weird though. There were so many people.” Old pain turned fresh in my chest, if only for a heartbeat. “I kept thinking Derek would’ve had a blast, but I kind of feel like we only had today because of him. His death set off a chain of events.”
She gripped my hand. Flo protested that the petting stopped. “Things would’ve worked out somehow, when they were meant to. They’re just different now.”
“Yeah.” If Violet wasn’t here, I would’ve sat on that thought. I would’ve wondered how it would’ve been different if I had been home. It just was. “What about you?”
“I got to nap with my nephew and stay in the AC all day. Plus, I reaped the food rewards. I’m not complaining.”
“Glad the guest room worked out again.” I rubbed my hands together. I’d never been a chickenshit, but I was tempted to ditch the topic ramming around in my brain. If I didn’t talk to her, then my stomach acid would eat me from the inside out. “Listen, uh, what do you think if I stay in this house?”
She blinked at me, then her gaze shuttered. “It’s up to you.”
“Not really. I’m asking for you.”
“What about me?”
Was I mistaken? Or was I fooling myself that she could sleep with me for the last month yet want nothing to do with me beyond the role of baby daddy? “Us.”
Her eyelids fluttered, and she clutched the cat closer. “Us?”
“Yeah. I mean, we’ve been doing okay together, right? And this place is supposed to be yours. So why not live here?” Breathing turned strained as I studied her bemused reaction.
“I need to be married.”
I scratched at the back of my neck as discomfort writhed under my skin. This was what I got for avoiding relationships since my twenties. I was saying something wrong, but I didn’t know what. I didn’t know how to tell Violet she meant a lot to me. “That would be a logical next step.”
She drew back slightly, and Flo mewed at the disturbance. “In a lot of cases, but I told you that trust means nothing to me. This house means nothing.”
A flicker of hesitation in the ocean depths of her eyes said differently. She was fond of this place. I was more than fond of her, and it was time to let her know. “It’s not about the house.”
Now she leaned closer. “It’s not?”
I was on a precipice. Something whispered in my mind, Don’t fuck this up . What I said next would be critical. “It’s about us. And the baby. I have the guest room, and we could turn that into the nursery.”
“Oh.” She pursed her lips. “You’re worried about the baby in my house.”
“Not just that. I think we’re good together.”
“For the baby.”
This conversation was going sideways, and I couldn’t pinpoint why. She was smart, and I wasn’t speaking in riddles. But I also wasn’t being blunt enough. The one time I wasn’t, and it was kicking me in the ass. “I like being with you.”
The rigidity that had developed in the last few minutes softened. “Thank you. I’m glad we can get along, but I don’t think we can make the decision about an ‘us’ when we’re expecting a baby.”
Betrayal swirled in my mind. Was she being purposely naive, or didn’t she want a relationship? Violet was too smart not to know what I meant, but I kept trying. “There wouldn’t be an us if there wasn’t a baby.”
Her sharp inhale didn’t bode well. Fuck. What could I say? I told her I liked her. Hell, I thought about her all the time. I wanted to do up the nursery. I wanted her in bed with me. I wanted to wake up to her for once and not have to rush out of her bedroom because we weren’t serious.
We couldn’t get more serious than a fucking baby.
She hung out with my family all day. I hadn’t even done that in my entire adult life.
“But I think you should stay in the house,” she said. “I’m sure you’ll want to own your place someday and not wait around for this property to be put up for sale. You should stay here until then or until this goes up for sale.”
How the fuck did I respond to that? How the hell did I tell her that waiting around to see which came first, a “for sale” sign or her finding a fiancé, was a level of hell I didn’t want to experience. After the last few minutes, she’d probably walk to town if I told her that.
“I guess we’ll see,” I said gruffly. “Wherever I’m at, the kid needs a room.”
“Yeah,” she said softly. “It’ll need a room.”
It. We’d barely talked about names. This unidentified baby was my only tether to a woman I could never forget. “How ’bout we call it Bud? Weird to keep calling it It.”
“It is.” She set the kitten down. “I should get back home. I had a nap earlier, but I’m tired.”
She was avoiding eye contact, and her jaw was tight.
The foreboding in my gut grew.
She swallowed and studied her sandals. Her toes were painted a happy yellow. “I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to keep having sex. We should concentrate on parenting. Bud’s coming soon.”
Each word tore me apart. Talking. Actions. Nothing helped. In the end, the way I’d protected myself from repeating the past resulted in being alone.