28
I can still feel Blake inside me as I snip off a yellow dandelion flower and two toothy leaves to add to my herbarium collection under the Asteraceae Family or daisy family. I have a dahlia sample taken from the gardens in my bag, but I had to hunt around for something wild. I know Cormac calls them weeds, but I think there is something special and resilient in the plants that rise again after being knocked back so many times.
With every step I take, a soft pinching sensation inside me and a lower back ache remind me that the spell has been broken, and it didn’t hurt.
“Next time I’m in control,” Blake hit in a steely tone as I climbed off his lap, and his half-limp condom-covered penis glistened wet from my juice, dribbling down my leg.
“Is that another promise?” I asked as I scrambled to search for my clothes.
“Yes,” he answered assuredly. “There’s so much I want to do with your body.”
I smile as I spot a purple chicory herb flower and mouth Blake’s words, “There’s so much that I want to do with your body.”
It’s been four hours since I rode Blake in his garage-top apartment, and I’m horny again. Honestly, I haven’t stopped being a little horny since I left his apartment. I’ve suppressed my natural desires for so long and became cautious and frigid due to fear, but now I’m relieved that I’m not completely broken and that everything downstairs works as it should.
Now, who will be my next conquest? Cormac. I owe Cormac for shirking him away last night. I hope he hasn’t given up on me.
My smile fades away when I spot Lyons walking across the baseball diamond, talking to another swim coach while munching on an apple. Reality hits hard, and my elation with Blake turns into rage. That fuckwit paid off a couple of pea-brain thugs to threaten me into silence. I’ll be silent, alright, when I pull the fucking trigger, I won’t say a word.
I watch his mannerisms like a lioness eyeing her prey as disgust colonizes my soul with every bite of that apple, spraying juice all over the field and his shirt. As he talks to the guy next to him, his eyes latch on to someone out of my viewing range who seems to be walking along the path that weaves through the University Gardens. Right now, they’re behind macrocarpa bushes, but when they emerge into the clearing, I should see who captivates him. Approaching friendly chatter indicates it’s more than one person, and as they come closer, I step back further into the surrounding plant life to spy while undercover.
The first face I see is Cormac, looking directly at me with that classic low brow I’ve come to like. Realizing that he’s just found me out, I step back into the vines of a thorny climbing rose, and soft pink petals fall onto my shoulders.
“You know you could use the path like a normal person,” Cormac states brusquely as he approaches, and I take a glance at the people he’s with to find that it’s Lucy holding hands with Josh and another girl with shoulder-length hair that I’ve seen in the Olympic Pool locker room talking about Lyons the Octopus.
“Hey,” I say in a happy tone to Cormac because he’s warmed on me. “I’m undercover.”
He follows my stare as I watch Lucy, the dark-haired girl, and Josh walk closer to the baseball diamond where Lyons is in full view of them. My guess is that his interest lies with Lucy since they were fucking the other day, and I wonder how he feels about her holding hands with her boyfriend.
“Undercover as a…” he plucks a pink rose petal from my hair, “pixie.”
“No, I’m curious to see how Lyons reacts to seeing Lucy holdings hands-”
“Rae, there’s no way Lucy is screwing Lyons, besides they just got engaged,” he tells me, rubbing his tired eyes with the base of his hands.
“Really? But they’re our age, aren’t they? Nineteen or twenty? Jeezus, why ruin your life so young?” I sound so pessimistic, but I genuinely don’t get why some people rush marriage.
“Some guys just know the woman they want to spend the rest of their life with fairly soon after they meet them,” his voice strains a little as he speaks.
I turn my focus onto the man before me, whom I sympathize with since he sacrifices so much for training. “Did you sleep well last night?”
“Not really,” he says honestly, handing me a pink rose that had fallen onto the ground.
I smile when I take it from his large hand. “Romance is not dead around these parts. Did I keep you awake?”
“You could say that,” he mumbles.
“Why?”
He shrugs his broad shoulders. “Life as a man.”
I snort in laughter. “What do you mean?”
Those baby blues scour the area to make sure we’re alone. “Go to bed hard and wake up hard and forbidden to touch the stunning woman next to me, who happens to be half naked. It’s like placing an Oreo in front of a four-year-old and telling them they’re not allowed to eat it.”
“That sounds like a hard life,” I mock, and he responds by wincing at my bad joke. “You know one thing I really like about you, Cormac?”
“Well, not my hard cock, since you won’t go near it. So…I have no idea,” he sounds like a grumpy old man, which makes me laugh.
“Your blunt honesty. Apart from when you and Blake strung me along for kicks. That part I didn’t appreciate,” I say, intending to rub it in for a while or use it as a weapon against them.
“We didn’t think it would get that far, or at least one of us would surrender. I guess Blake and I have the same taste in women,” he yawns again.
“I guess you do. Anyway, what are you doing now?” I ask, hoping to make his day and unsure how he will react to Blake and me screwing on the couch.
“Working on an assignment in the science library, but if you have a better offer, I’ll reconsider,” stating the quiet part out loud.
“You seem worn out, Cormac. Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?” I suggest genuinely open to giving the man some therapy.
His nostrils flare, and I’m sure dirty thoughts flood his mind as we speak. Thanks to Blake, I have a new sense of confidence when it comes to intimacy, but only with these two men. And maybe with Cormac’s dad. Jeezus, Cormac’s dad kissed me, and it was so good. I can’t think about that now.
“Well…” those blue eyes have a newborn sparkle to them as mischief claims his thoughts. “I wouldn’t mind a quickie.”
“Here?” I gasp. A liaison amongst the flowering plants wasn’t quite what I had in mind, but hey, there’s no time like the present.
“Yeah, why not?” He moves in closer, catching my waist with his hand.
“I was thinking more along the lines of a massage,” I smile, gazing up at his smooth, handsome face, waiting for him to crack a smile. He doesn’t smile much, but when he does, it’s a gift that lights up his face.
His eyebrows cock, becoming animated, lifting out of tiredness. “Yeah? A full body massage? I’m keen, but later. For now, I have something else on my mind.”
“And what would that be?” I play dumb, burying my nose in the pink rose he gave me. I”m curious to hear his suggestion, provided it doesn’t involve an action that will trigger me.
He answers my question by peppering kisses all over my neck and nibbling on my earlobe, making me giddy with desire. Again, instinctively, I pull away a little, only for Cormac to hold me tighter, and my heart slams against my ribcage as my breath hitches.
“I can’t,” I stress, placing my hands on his chest and pushing, but he’s a brick fence, and I make minimal impact. “Take it slow, Cormac. Or else I’ll scream.”
He backs away this time as I hunch over amid a panic attack, gasping for breath. My head feels like it’s about to explode, and the surrounding plants and humans walking by seem surreal, as if made of transparent smoke. The last few days have been more stressful than I realized, and I thought I was managing my anxiety well, but instead, I’d shoved it to the crevices of my mind only to come out with avenges another day.
If I die right now, at least I’m with nature.
“Rae, I didn’t think it was this bad,” Cormac sounds apologetic and steps towards me in an attempt to comfort me, but I show him my palm at arm’s length to keep him away.
Ignoring my warning, he moves closer, yanks a rose flower from the bush, and holds it under my nose. “Smell it, Rae. Breathe it in.”
What the hell is he doing? I can barely breathe, and he’s wanting me to sniff the fucking rose.
In a calm yet demanding tone, he states, “Breathe in the scent of the flower.”
I do as he says and breathe in the sweet scent that I usually love, but it is sickly and heady at this hypersensitive moment. His hand rubs my back, and in a calm voice, he says, “Keep breathing in the scent. Whenever Mom had a panic attack, Dad would make her smell strong scents, like his cologne or culinary herbs. It worked a treat every time.”
I don’t know what worked the most, the sound of Cormac’s reassuring voice talking about his family or the scent of the rose, but my breathing levels out, my strength returns, and the world falls back to normality.
“Are you okay, Rae?” he asks softly, rubbing my back.
“Sorry, I can’t handle being squeezed like that, and I guess I’ve been stressed lately…”
“Like those guys that jumped you?” he assumes since that’s the only stressful event I’ve told him about. Mostly, the pressure I’ve been putting on myself to kill The Four. I have many moments where I talk myself out of it, succumb to the threats, and move on with my life. Every day, I ask myself if it is a good idea. Every day, I have to steer myself back onto the path of destruction over forgiveness because I don’t think I can achieve peace until I destroy everything that created this battle in the first place.
Forgive and forget vs destroy and nullify.
“Yeah,” I wheeze as he wraps an arm around my waist, kissing my forehead and stroking my ponytail.
“I’m sorry if I freaked you out, Rae,” his voice hums against my skin.
A group of students walks by without noticing us hidden in the foliage. “It’s not your fault. I have issues I have to work through.” I flick my hand dismissively, eager to move on from this incident because I don’t want to turn it into a big deal. “I prefer my weaknesses to be hidden.”
He chuckles. “Yeah, me too.”
“Have you got weaknesses?” I ask, pleased we’re moving the attention away from my annoying episode. My lungs have a lead brick trapped in there, and there’s a dull ache behind my eyes, but the less we talk about it, the better. “Like what?”
“Well…I don’t know If I should confess anything, but I am a sore loser,” he says gruffly.
I snort and wince when I receive a pang in my chest. “That does not surprise me.”
“I’m also finding that I have a great and expansive weakness for you,” he admits, licking his bottom lip. “I guess I have a thing for difficult blonds.”
My cheeks burn red, and I take his hand in mine, lean into him, and rest my head on his solid chest. “So, about that massage?”
“Sounds good,” he rolls his shoulders. “I’m a little achy and could use a woman’s touch. Although I was hinting at a blowjob in the roses, but a massage will do.”
“Sure, buddy,” I hiss sarcastically, “You wanna choke me to death? Huh? I had a panic attack just being hugged. Not sure if I’m ready to have your big dick in my mouth.”
A breathy chuckle exudes from those lips. “Yeah, I am big. Glad you noticed.”
I crack up laughing, and I’m pleased he’s taking it lightly because it may take some time before I can do some sex acts, but at least I know who I want to do the sex acts with. And maybe some healing will occur as I open up more and let them in.