Chapter Three Ren
My head was spinning. So much had happened, and the day wasn’t nearly over yet.
The important things were that I had a dry, secure place to sleep for the night and food in my stomach, and the Anax had gotten rid of the Connecticut Pack werewolves who pursued me.
The only other thing I needed was my bag.
Even though the stuff in it was shit, it was my shit, and I wanted it back.
The Anax promised he would have the Connecticut Alpha send someone to look for it.
His doctor, a kind man who said he was originally from Zimbabwe, arrived and checked me over.
He put a waterproof bandage on the puncture wound on my left hand, from a knife someone had gone at me with before I managed to escape.
Neither the Anax nor the doctor asked how that wound happened, and I wasn’t about to tell them.
Once the doctor finished with me, he showed me to one of the bathrooms so I could shower.
I took my time there. As far as I could tell, no one needed me for anything, and I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had any kind of shower, even one that lasted only a minute or so.
Shelves in the shower stall held an assortment of shampoos, soaps, and body washes, and I took full advantage of them.
For once, for at least a little while, I could be completely clean.
Maybe longer than a little while. The Anax had said I could stay. I hoped he meant it, because I was seriously considering it just on the basis of this luxury.
When I finally finished, I dried off with a fluffy towel that was as long as I was tall, and dressed again in the clothes Xavier had brought me before.
The T-shirt’s hem landed just above my knees, and even with the drawstring pulled as tight as I could, the sweatpants felt like they were going to fall down when I walked.
But at least they were something. I’d worn worse.
When I emerged from the bathroom, Xavier was standing in the hall. Immediately, my face got warm, and I looked down. “Did I take too long?”
“What?” He cleared his throat. “Um, no, you’re fine. I brought you some other clothes.” He held out another t-shirt, this one dark red, and a pair of gym shorts. “These are a little smaller than what you have on. They might fit you better.”
“Oh. Thanks.” Was this something the Anax had ordered, or was it Xavier’s idea?
Either way, I was grateful. I just hoped the shirt was still big enough to at least partly hide my chest, because I didn’t know when or if I’d get a new binder.
The one I’d had when the wolf attacked me had probably been destroyed along with the rest of the clothes I was wearing.
I owned other clothes, if they found my bag, but I only had one binder. Those weren’t cheap.
That was going to be a problem. Replacing what I’d lost. At least I hadn’t lost much.
I went back into the bathroom to put on the new clothes.
The shirt only came about halfway down my thighs, but it was loose enough that I didn’t feel self-conscious about my upper torso.
The shorts were a little loose, but with the drawstring pulled tight, they at least felt like they would stay in place.
This time, when I opened the bathroom door, Xavier was gone. Disappointed, I headed down the hall to find someone who could tell me what to do with the clothes I’d been wearing. I didn’t want to leave a mess.
For the rest of the day and that night, Xavier stayed close to the Anax and me, along with Davion, another of the Anax’s guards. The Anax told me he had seven guards working for him, but the others had stayed behind in Winthrop, at his other house.
He had more than one house. That boggled my mind. Some people had to live on fucking park benches. This guy had multiple houses just on this property, and then a whole other house in another town.
Tonight, he only had two guards, and one of them kept watch over me instead of the Anax.
It felt awkward but reassuring at the same time.
Every time I was in the same room with Xavier, I felt him.
His presence was like a heavy blanket, comforting with its weight.
Safe. A weird way to think of it, maybe, but that was what came to mind.
Along with the word mine every time I looked at him, so I tried not to look at him.
Mates. He’d said we were mates. Which didn’t seem possible. I’d only been a werewolf for a couple of days, and I’d been unconscious for a lot of it. I didn’t understand any of this, and now this giant redwood of a guy was telling me I was his mate.
Tonight, I was too exhausted to keep stressing about Xavier. And pretty much anything else. I needed sleep. I could stress tomorrow.
The Anax gave me a choice of rooms, and I picked the one where he’d hidden me earlier. A small room, with a small bed and a narrow window through which I could see the tops of trees. Cozy. Safe, especially when I closed the door.
Not knowing when I would get any other clothes, I took off the ones I was wearing and neatly folded them so they wouldn’t get wrinkled. Nude, I slipped under the covers on the bed and fell into a sleep more restorative than any I’d had in months.
In the morning, I woke to sunlight streaming through the window. I hadn’t thought to close the blind. The brightness didn’t bother me. I’d slept on benches and under trees where no blinds existed. Sunrise came early in June, but waking up at this hour wasn’t necessarily a bad thing.
I got out of bed and put on the shorts and t-shirt from the day before. I didn’t want to ask too much from the Anax, but I needed additional clothes, especially if I couldn’t get my bag back. Another binder, too. I needed a binder to feel like me.
Today, other people would show up here. The Anax’s mate and his guards. The humans the Anax had hired to cook for a few hundred werewolves during the gathering. I would have to move out to the guest house the Anax had mentioned.
Maybe the Anax would change his mind on that. I didn’t want to be away from Xavier. If I had to be surrounded by strangers, I wanted to at least be close to someone I knew.
Not knowing anything for sure, I was too fidgety to stay in the room, so I headed downstairs. I knew where the kitchen was, at least, and I was hungry. Maybe I could make breakfast for the Anax, Xavier, and Davion as well as myself. Then I’d be useful. I needed to be useful.
Xavier was standing at the kitchen counter, fiddling with the coffeemaker. He glanced over his shoulder and smiled. “Morning. Did you sleep all right?”
“Yeah. Thanks.” I went to the fridge. “Um, should I cook something? For all of us.”
He shook his head. “The food in there is for the gathering. We ate some yesterday, but it’s better to leave the rest for now. Davion’s heading into town to get breakfast. Is there anything particular you’d like? He already left, but I can text him.”
“Oh. No, thanks. Any food is good food.” When you lived not knowing if food would exist at all, you learned not to be too picky. I looked around. The kitchen was clean; Xavier and Davion must have taken care of everything after supper the night before. “I need to do something.”
“Do you mind sitting with me for a few minutes?” He motioned toward the small table in the center of the room. “We should talk.”
“About?” I moved to the table despite my resistance to the idea. Sitting alone with him wouldn’t be exactly comfortable. But I did have questions, and maybe asking him would be easier than asking the Anax.
We sat facing each other across the table. He took a breath. “I don’t know how to do this. Us being mates. Each werewolf, as far as anyone knows, has one and only one true mate, so obviously I’ve never had one before. I’ve also never had what you’d call a relationship.”
“Same.” I’d had sex, sometimes because I wanted to and sometimes for survival, but that was far from the same thing. “Look, I’ve…I’m transgender.”
“Yes, we established that yesterday.” He tilted his head, looking confused. “Is that supposed to change something?”
I shrugged. His confusion confused me, and it took me a couple of seconds to find the thread again. “Most people don’t want to be with a trans guy. Unless they have a fetish.”
“I don’t have a fetish.” He chuckled softly.
“It isn’t about you being trans. My wolf says you’re my mate. Mates usually end up together. The alternative is pain, from what I’ve been told. When you don’t know your mate, you might have a little niggling feeling that something is missing. Once you find them, if you’re away from them,
it hurts like something’s been ripped out of you. That doesn’t mean you can’t walk away. Like I said yesterday, I believe in free will. But I’ve been told it’s agony if you don’t accept your mate.”
I shuddered. This was worse than I’d thought. I couldn’t leave because I’d feel like I was missing a piece of myself? And Xavier would feel the same way?
No. I had to be able to leave. Even if I decided not to, I needed the option.
“Wait,” he said quietly. At just that single word, my spiraling thoughts settled, and I stared at him. “You’re staying anyway, aren’t you? The Anax declared you his wolf.”
“I mean, I don’t have anywhere else to go,” I said slowly. “But I can’t…Mates?”
“Let me finish, please.” He paused, looking thoughtful. “Mates. That isn’t something we can change. What we have power over is what, if anything, we do about it.”
“What do mates even do?” As soon as I asked, I felt foolish. Obviously, they acted like mates. Like partners. Sex, maybe romance, the whole deal that went along with being in a relationship.
Xavier didn’t seem to think I was foolish, though. “On the human-ish side, the same things as any couple. On the werewolf side, there’s a bond between mates. They can feel what each other feels. Hear each other’s thoughts, sometimes.”
“Oh, shit,” I muttered without thinking.
He laughed. “Yeah, well, we can try not to do that. I promise not to listen in on your thoughts if I can help it.”
“Same.” Relieved, I let out a breath. There were definitely things in my mind that I didn’t want anyone to know about. “The bond is what makes us mates?”