Chapter Three Ren #2
He nodded. “Basically. That bond is there no matter what. Fate, or whatever power you believe in that put us together, creates the bond. Keep in mind, some of this might be completely off. I’m only saying what I’ve been told by others.”
“Okay. It’s still more than I know.” I clasped my hands on the table. “Is that all? The bond?”
“Mates usually declare each other.” He hesitated.
“That’s kind of a ceremony, usually in front of their Alpha or whoever’s in charge. If we ever get to that point, we’ll declare each other in front of the Anax. The declaration has power. Like when the Anax declared you one of his wolves. You felt something when he did that, right?”
“Yeah.” So presumably, if Xavier and I declared each other as mates, I’d experience a similar binding sensation. The idea made me queasy—but also excited.
“Usually the one who’s higher in the hierarchy is the one who does the declaring, and the other accepts it,” he said. “Hierarchy’s a little sketchy in our situation, because the Anax’s people don’t really have ranks. Same with claiming. The higher-ranked one does the claiming.”
“And the difference between declaring and claiming is?” In spite of myself, I was getting interested. Not in being declared or claimed, or in declaring or claiming Xavier, but in understanding. I had a fuckload to learn about being a werewolf. Fortunately, I enjoyed learning.
“Sex,” Xavier said bluntly. “Declaring is verbal. Usually done in the presence of a leader or at least of others. Claiming is private, between the mates, and it involves sex. Intercourse.”
“Of course it does.” Trembling, I quickly moved my hands below the table so Xavier wouldn’t notice how much I shook.
Sex wasn’t a bad thing, but I’d definitely had mixed experiences.
Sometimes it was good. Sometimes it was horrible.
Sometimes things were done to me against my will.
I knew, without even having to wonder, that Xavier wouldn’t do anything I didn’t want, at least.
The problem was knowing what I wanted. “Do mates have to claim each other?”
“Like I said, we don’t have to do anything.” He leaned back and folded his arms. “We don’t know each other. You just showed up here yesterday, and you’ve had so much dumped on you between being changed and what happened to you with that hellhole of a pack, and now all of this.”
His voice grew harsher, and it looked like he was digging his fingers into his upper arms.
“I’m not going to force anything on you, Ren. I’d like to be friends. Especially if you’re staying with us. We can talk to each other. Get to know each other. See if anything more develops. If so, great. If not, okay. As far as the pain goes, I think if we’re around each other,
we’ll be okay even if we don’t declare or claim, so I’m not worried. I hope you won’t be either. Friends. Does that sound all right?”
Friends. I hadn’t had those in a long time.
My friends from childhood and my teen years had drifted away or left explosively, depending on their prejudices, when they realized I was trans.
I’d made other “friends” who demanded things in exchange for offering me food or shelter, and I’d given in because what choice did I have?
Drifting from couch to street to homeless shelter, options were limited, and friendship wasn’t much of a thing.
I could use a friend. And in spite of the awkwardness of being around Xavier, I also still had that heavy-blanket sensation from his presence. Comforting. Protective.
“Friends,” I said. “Yes, please.”
“Friends.” He rested his hand, palm up, on the table.
How would it feel to touch him? Would I have that jolt again? Did I dare to find out?
My wolf apparently thought it was a good idea, because my human brain hadn’t figured out the answers to those questions yet when I rested my hand on Xavier’s. No jolt this time, but that current hummed between us. Mine.
Yes. My friend.
The voice didn’t respond. Apparently “friend” was acceptable.
The Anax walked in, and Xavier immediately went over to the counter, where the coffeemaker seemed to have finished its job.
“Breakfast is nearly here, Anax. To conserve food for the gathering, I asked Davion to go into town to pick up some breakfast sandwiches and coffees. I know you prefer coffee-shop coffee to what we make here, but I’m making some as well to ensure there’s enough. I hope I didn’t overstep.”
“Not at all. I appreciate you taking care of that.” The Anax went closer to Xavier. “You mentioned coffee?”
Xavier laughed slightly. “Yes, Anax. One cup for each of us, and then we’ll have what’s in the pot. That’s just about ready if you’d like a cup now.”
“I’ll wait for the town coffee to arrive.” The Anax sounded amused. “Thank you, Xavier. You can sit back down if you want.”
“I’m going to go check the inner perimeter first, Anax.” He smiled at me. My face got warm again, along with a few other parts of my body that were apparently misinterpreting the “friend” thing. “I’ll be back shortly.”
“All right,” the Anax said.
Xavier headed out the back door. I wished I could have gone with him, to stay close to him, especially when the Anax took the chair Xavier had been in. “How did you sleep? And before you answer, I’d still prefer you to use my name instead of my title.”
“Okay, Tobias.” Feeling my face get even hotter, I quickly looked down at the table.
The Anax didn’t say anything else for a few seconds, then asked again, “How did you sleep? I know it can be difficult in an unfamiliar place.”
“Yeah. It’s a lot quieter here than I’m used to.” I scoffed. “Honestly, anywhere would be quieter than I’m used to. You ever been in a shelter?”
“No.”
“It’s never quiet. Overnight shelters, you’re supposed to be able to sleep, but you have to sleep with one eye open or you’ll wake up with your stuff gone. Or worse.”
Remembering some of the “worse,” I shuddered.
“And if you’re trans, sometimes they won’t even let you in, and you have to sleep outside or something because otherwise, they have to figure out whether to bunk you with your assigned sex or your gender, and shelter workers don’t always have the time—or the brain power, some of them—to handle that.
”
“I’m sorry.” He sounded sincere.
I touched my upper lip with my tongue. “Thank you. Sorry for venting. I just… It’s been a long time since I’ve had anywhere to be or anyone to talk to.”
“We’re going to change that.” He studied me.
Carefully, I kept myself from showing any reaction this time.
I was going to have to get used to the Anax looking at me like that, I guessed.
“If you want, I can introduce you to someone you can talk to. Suzannah Daigle is the healer of Boston North Pack and the mate of that pack’s Alpha. I’ve known her for decades. She’s helped me through a lot of hell. If you’d rather work with a guy, Carlos Garza, the City Pack Beta,
is a licensed social worker and does some counseling for members of both Boston packs, and for me sometimes.”
“I…wow.” I literally didn’t know what to think, but it sounded like an invitation to stick around.
He’d already said I could stay, but telling me I could talk to someone in Boston implied that he assumed I would stay.
Which made me happy, but also ticked me off a little.
I didn’t like people assuming things about me.
“I don’t know. I can’t…Am I staying? I don’t even know where I belong anymore. I can’t go back to the shelters, right?”
“It would be unwise,” he agreed. “Full moon nights, you have to shift. There’s no way to stop it. And humans in general can’t find out about us. If you tell a human that you’re a werewolf, and you don’t have permission from a higher-ranked wolf, it’s one of our most serious crimes.
So at least on full moon nights, you’d have to find someplace to hide from humans, where you’d be able to shift and run. Some of us, leading up to the full moon and/or for a day or so after, have a harder time managing anger, which can be dangerous.”
“So basically I’m fucked.” My eyes widened, and I put both hands over my mouth. I really needed to watch my language in front of him. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be,” he said gently. “It’s a lot. Bottom line, though, yes. You’re staying if you want to. You belong to my household if you want to. If you’d like to talk about what has happened in your life, before or since you were changed, we can arrange that with someone you’re comfortable with.
Everything is up to you, and if you need help making decisions, we can do that. You aren’t alone anymore, Ren, unless you choose to be.”
“I won’t.” Tears filled my eyes, and my voice broke.
Trying to hide it, I folded my arms on the table and buried my face in them.
A loud sob escaped me, and that led to more even though I tried to hold it all back.
Someone cared. Someone was listening, and for the first time I could remember, it was safe for me to let out the pain.
“I never chose to be alone. I never had a choice.”
“You do now.”
That made me cry harder, so hard the table shook along with me.
I didn’t dare look at the Anax, but I knew he was there.
Sitting quietly, holding space for me to spew all of the fear and anger and hurt I’d had to hold in to keep myself alive.
He wasn’t as comforting as Xavier, but he was calm. Steady. That helped.
Gradually, I managed to pull myself together. Something thudded softly on the table beside me. “Take your time, Ren,” the Anax said. “I’m right here. Here’s some tissues if you need them.”
“Thanks.” Without lifting my head, I felt around until I found the tissue box. I took out a tissue and dabbed it against my nose.
His chair scraped on the floor as he sat down.
Again, he didn’t say anything. After another couple of minutes, I finally got myself back together enough to sit up.
I grabbed more tissues and wiped my face, hoping I wasn’t too much of a mess.
“Damn it. I’m sorry, Anax. I didn’t mean to fall apart like that.”
“Why have you gone back to calling me Anax?” He gave me a small smile. “I won’t pretend to know what you’ve been through, Ren, but just the parts you’ve told me warrant falling apart. You have nothing to apologize for.”