Chapter Eight Xavier #3
“Last night was more like very early this morning, and our wolves were still playing a role.” He didn’t actually need the explanation. I took a breath. “Yeah. I’m going to go get clothes for the morning. And my toothbrush.”
“Fuck, was my morning breath that bad?” Ren rolled his eyes. “Probably not, or you would have said something.”
“Ren.” I rested my hands on his shoulders and looked into his eyes.
Something clicked into place between us, a stronger joining than we’d already had, and we both jumped.
“Um, look, take it easy, okay?” I stepped back.
“I’m happy to stay with you tonight. And any other night you want me to. I feel the weirdness too, but it doesn’t have to be weird.”
“We’re werewolves. Isn’t everything weird?” With a snort, he turned away. “Close the door, please? And just come in when you get back.”
“Okay.”
Choosing clothes for the next day took me a little longer than usual, since I had to dress more formally in case I didn’t have time to change before the wedding.
When I got back to Ren’s room, he had taken off his shirt and jeans and put on the T-shirt he’d worn the day before.
His eyes widened and he gasped when I walked in, then he let out a long breath. “Oh. I’m glad it’s you.”
“Who else would it be?” I carefully set my clothes on the wooden chair in one corner of the room. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah. Fucking brain weasels.” He tapped the side of his head a little harder than I was happy with, but I kept my mouth shut. “Anxiety. PTSD, maybe? You live long enough never knowing if you’re safe, sometimes your mind tells you that you aren’t safe when you are. Does that make sense?”
“Completely.” I went closer to him and held out my arms. “Could I hug you? Would that help or make it worse?”
“You’re asking to hug me?” He made a sound somewhere between a sob and a laugh. “No one…Yeah. Yeah, please hug me. I’d like that.”
We stepped toward each other at the same time, and I folded him into my arms.
For a split second, I had a powerful urge to lift him and hold him, but I managed not to do that.
Picking him up to carry him when he couldn’t walk was one thing.
He might not react too well if I did it at a time like this.
He fit. The thought made little sense, but there it was.
He fit in my arms, in my life. In my heart, if he would let that be a thing.
With his body against mine, something stirred in me, a hunger that came only partly from my wolf.
It wasn’t only sexual desire, though that was absolutely part of it.
I wanted to be like this with Ren forever.
Holding him. Feeling him in my arms even when he wasn’t there.
Sappy thoughts that felt one hundred percent right.
He sighed. “This is so good. I never thought a hug would feel so good.”
“It does,” I agreed, because I didn’t know what else to say.
We stood there for a few more minutes, just holding and being held, feeling each other. Breathing in rhythm, I realized, and that just proved that we were supposed to be together.
Then he tensed, and I immediately let go. He took a breath. “Thank you.”
“For hugging you or for not hugging you anymore?” I asked.
“Both.” He looked up at me with a tentative smile. “It’s ridiculous, but for a second, I was afraid you wouldn’t let go if I needed you to. But you did.”
“Always.” I didn’t exactly like the way that sounded. From his frown, neither did Ren. “I mean, if you want me to hold you, I will, and if you want me to let you go, I will. Always.”
“Always is a long-ass time, Xavier. Especially if werewolves live as long as people are telling me.”
He went to the bed and pulled down the covers.
“Do me a favor? Don’t make promises like that. I know. We’re mates We’re destined to be together forever. I don’t believe in forever, so don’t promise it to me.”
“All right.” With a heaviness that wiped away the wonderful remnants of our hug, I went to the other side of the bed. “Do you still want me to stay? I’m just checking.”
“Yeah. Please.” He touched his tongue to his upper lip. “I upset you?”
“No. Yes.” I sighed. I was going to botch this just as badly as I was botching everything else. “I’m not upset with you. I’m upset that you’ve had a life where you can’t believe in forever.”
He shrugged. “It is what it is. Maybe someday, I’ll believe. Right now, I’m less than a week out of living on the streets and hiding from people who wanted to hurt me or steal my shit. All of this?”
He gestured around the room. “This is a dream. A safe place to stay, people who accept me as I am and want to help me with no strings attached. So much food I could eat myself sick and there would still be plenty more.”
Abruptly, he shoved the covers down further.
“You. All of this is a dream, and I’m terrified I’m going to wake up on a bench, or under a tree, or back in one of those shelters with someone…Anyway.”
He cleared his throat. “I can’t believe in what I’ve never had.”
“I get it.” I did, honestly. I hated it, but I got it.
“Can we just sleep?” He lay down and touched the pillow beside him. “I don’t want to think about any of that, and I damn sure don’t want to talk about it. I just want to lie here and sleep.”
“Yeah.” I lay down and pulled him closer. He made a soft sound that I took as contentment. “We can sleep.”
From the sound of his breathing, he drifted off pretty quickly. I was glad that he felt comfortable enough to fall asleep so fast with me there.
I lay awake. This man, my mate, had been through shit I couldn’t fathom, and because of it, he didn’t believe all the things I wanted to offer to him. I would have to show him he could believe in it. In forever. In safety.
In me.