Chapter Nine Ren
What was it about Xavier that made me sleep so soundly?
I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had such a peaceful night.
Even when I was a kid, at night I kept one ear open, as my grandfather had put it, because I never knew what was going to happen in the rest of the house that might spill over onto me.
On the streets and in shelters, I only dozed a few minutes at a time, if that, because asleep equaled vulnerable.
I’d slept during the time I recovered from being changed, but that was more of a coma than anything.
With Xavier beside me, though, I felt safe. Even if someone did barge into the room, he would protect me, if he didn’t scare them off just by existing. As tall and broad as he was, he was intimidating as hell, and I doubted most people would try anything with him around.
So with him beside me, I slept like I was making up for the past two-plus decades of not sleeping well. Even though for the past few nights I’d slept all right, tonight’s sleep was even deeper, with not even a second of interruption. I dreamed, but when I woke, I couldn’t remember anything.
Xavier was still lying behind me, holding me, but I sensed that he was awake. “Aren’t you supposed to be on duty?”
“Good morning.” He moved his arm off me and patted my shoulder. “Yeah, but not for another hour. It’s still pretty early.”
“Oh.” I rolled to face him. Even with his hair messy and sticking up almost as much as mine intentionally did, his face puffy from sleep and one cheek red from pressing against the pillow, he was gorgeous.
An hour was plenty of time. Ignoring the little voice in my head telling me it was a bad idea, I leaned toward him.
He leaned too, and our lips met. Sparks flew, the heat and current I’d felt between us before. With a soft sound, he reached up to stroke my hair.
My hand started to move downward. His hair wasn’t what I aimed to stroke.
Our mouths together, lips, tongues, breathing into each other, built my desire to a frigging inferno, and if I didn’t touch him, didn’t at least try, I would lose my mind.
The tingling ache between my legs begged for his touch, but I didn’t dare voice the need.
Hell, I didn’t have to voice anything. He could hear my thoughts.
I want you. Inside me. Please.
He didn’t answer, but he wrapped his arm around me and pulled me closer. Against my belly, he was hard, and I had to force myself not to put my hand square on his cock. Instead, I kept slowly sliding my hand down, hoping he wouldn’t stop me.
When my hand reached his waist, he broke the kiss. Staring wildly into my eyes, he said, “No.”
“I…what?” Breathing heavily, I gazed into the deep brown of his eyes, trying to understand. “That was a great kiss.”
“Yeah. And I heard you.” He touched his lips to my forehead. “I want you too, Ren. You can feel that, can’t you?”
“Oh, yeah, I can.” I started to touch him but stopped myself. Until he explained the “no,” nothing was happening. “But you don’t want to?”
“I would claim you, remember?” he said. “You don’t believe in forever, but that’s what it would be between us. I make love to you, we belong to each other forever.” Gently, he cupped my cheek. “I want that with you, but not until you believe it.”
“You can’t want forever with me.” He sounded sincere. The words struck a chord in me, and something within me called back to it. But actual me, the Ren who’d lived through everything, couldn’t let it happen. “Xavier, you don’t even know me yet.”
“I know you’re my mate.” Sadness filled his eyes, and he loosened his arm around me. “You’re right. We don’t know each other well yet. I know what I want. But what you asked for, I don’t think is what you want. Not with everything it would mean. Not yet.”
His cock had begun to soften, and any desire I’d felt had pretty much evaporated. Feeling him inside me, his body against mine, his arms around me… I absolutely wanted all of that. Except it would mean I had to be with him for the rest of my life. Forever. I couldn’t accept that.
“I’m sorry.” I looked down at his chest, which didn’t help much but was better than seeing that unhappiness in his gaze.
“Don’t be, please. You’re right, that was a great kiss.” He chuckled softly. “Ren, I liked sleeping beside you. Holding you. The kiss was a definite bonus. Until you’re able to consider forever as a possibility, I think holding and kissing is where it stops. And trust me, saying that isn’t easy.”
“I know.” I could feel it. His regret or mine, or maybe both, that the claiming was on hold. My wolf was pretty pissed off about it if the anger in the back of my mind was any indication. The rest of me was just sad. Why couldn’t I believe in forever, or at least the long haul, with Xavier?
The answer was obvious. Five days wasn’t enough to believe Xavier would stick around. Okay, mates couldn’t be apart without pain, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t leave if he really got fed up with me. Some things were worse than physical pain.
“I should get up?” His inflection went up, making it a question. “I still have a little while before I’m on duty.”
“You should probably shower.” You should stay right here with me so I know we’re okay. That thought, I kept to myself. At least, I hoped Xavier didn’t hear it. “You didn’t yesterday.”
“True, and I definitely don’t want to smell offensive during the Anax’s wedding.” He rested his hand on my shoulder. “Hey. Are you all right? It’s cool if you’re mad at me. I kind of left both of us hanging here.”
“You’re hanging. I have an innie.”
He stared at me for a second, then burst out laughing. Relieved, so did I, and the tension between us ebbed.
“I wasn’t hanging during that kiss,” he said in a husky voice. “I should go wash up now.”
“Yeah.” Given the juxtaposition of his statements, I suspected washing wasn’t the only thing he would do in the shower, and that started my body reacting again. He would be nude, water streaming over his muscled body, stroking his cock…
“Stop.” His voice shook. “Oh, gods, Ren, your thoughts…Yeah, that’s probably exactly what I’ll be doing. And I wish you could be in there with me.”
“I could be.” If he fucked me, he would claim me, but we didn’t have to fuck. Intercourse in a shower wasn’t the most comfortable thing anyway. “You don’t have to get yourself off. I could do it for you.”
My voice didn’t even sound like my own, and part of me wondered what the hell I was thinking. He’d already said no. He was trying to get out of the bed. Away from me. And here I was pushing him, like he’d promised he wouldn’t do to me, because I needed him so badly. Craved him.
“Ignore that,” I said, and this time my voice was even more foreign. “Pretend I didn’t say it. I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have anything to be sorry for.”
He reached out but didn’t touch me this time.
“Ren, I would love to have you in the shower with me, double meaning completely intended. You getting me off? Fuck.”
He inhaled sharply. “Oh, I would love that. I think it’s the worst idea either of us has had this week.”
“It wouldn’t be claiming.” I should have shut up, but he hadn’t said no, and the part of me that wanted him so much it was excruciating took that as license to keep talking. “If I just jerk you off? You wouldn’t claim me.”
“You wouldn’t get anything out of it.” He shivered. “Fuck. I should say no thank you. I want to say yes, Ren. You aren’t making this easy.”
“Tell me what you want me to do.” I sat up and let the blanket fall to my waist.
I’d kept the binder on while I slept, even though I knew it wasn’t the wisest thing to do, because I was so happy to have it.
Now I wanted to take it off and let Xavier see all of me, and that intense desire knocked sense into me.
No one who’d fucked me had seen my binderless chest. I’d never allowed it.
If I showered with Xavier, obviously he would see. The binder wasn’t waterproof.
Letting him see me, all of me, felt even more frightening than letting him claim me.
Sure, he’d already seen me without clothes, but being naked in front of him after turning from a wolf back into a human didn’t feel even close to the same thing as being naked with him while I stroked him.
While he touched me. While maybe we both came.
“I want you to be comfortable.” Abruptly he got up and went to the chair where he’d set his clothes.
“That’s what I want too.” And I hated myself for being disturbed by the prospect of him seeing my boobs. It wasn’t like he didn’t know they existed. I’d never figured out why those damn things on my chest were the worst part of my body for me, but they were.
“Then you’d better stay here.” With something that wasn’t quite a smile, he faced me again.
“Someday, you and I will shower together, and we’ll touch each other, and it will be incredible. And just for your information, do with it as you will, that’s what I’ll be thinking about while I’m in there now. Will it bother you if I think about you while I jerk off?”
The blunt question caught me off guard. All I could do was stare at him. Had he actually just said that?
He grinned. “Was that pushing it?”
“You’re an asshole.” I couldn’t help grinning back. “If you actually jerk off, you’d better think about me.” I paused. “I thought you had to have a strong connection with someone to have sex.”
“I have a pretty strong connection to myself,” he said.
I laughed. “Yeah, fair point. Then sure. If you want me to star in your fantasy while you jerk off, I’m on board with that.”
“Yeah? And what will you be doing while I’m doing that?” He rolled his eyes. “I’m shit at sex talk. This is not like me at all. But it’s fun.”
“I’m enjoying listening to you.” I lay back against the pillows with my hands clasped behind my head. “Maybe I’ll be jerking off thinking about what you’re doing in the shower. Are we actually having this conversation? Because it isn’t like me either.”
With a laugh, he went to the door. “Are you okay with it? The conversation, I mean. Honestly.”