10. Chapter Ten
Chapter Ten
Luciana
This anger inside of me turns to a burning inferno. Why wasn’t I taught anything? I thought I had been given an education. Sure, I was told how babies were made. But other than that, I wasn’t taught about female pleasure. I wasn’t taught what was acceptable to do with your husband.
I’m lost at sea and the person who did this to me is my father.
After the tea function, I tell Enzo to drive me to my father’s house. I walk with determination up to the door and pound on it. A few moments later, my father opens the door.
“Luciana? I’m glad to see you. What are you doing here?” He tries to pull me in for a hug but I back away.
“Can I come in?” My tone is clipped. Father frowns but lets me in without questions. The second the door closes behind me, I whirl around to face him. “Why didn’t you tell me anything?”
He blinks. “Tell you what?”
“Anything!” My voice echoes through the large foyer. “You kept me in the dark on so much my entire life and you just expected me to figure it all out after I was married. You didn’t prepare me for this life.”
“Yes, I did. I told you from a young age that you would be married some day. I raised you with love all on my own after your mother died. I was a good father to you. Why are you looking at me like I’ve betrayed you?”
“Because, despite your love, Dad, you never truly prepared me for any of this. I wasn’t taught about my body.
I wasn’t taught what was right and wrong in a marriage.
I was taught to be good and polite and courteous.
I was taught to follow my husband. But you never taught me what it would be like to actually be married.
To actually have a husband. To be challenged in this way. You never prepared me.”
A flash of anger crosses his eyes. “I did my best with you. You were given everything. You don’t get to come into my home and yell at me for that.”
“You gave me nice clothes and a warm bed. And yes, you always showed me love. But you didn’t prepare me for the world. The actual world. That’s what I’m saying. You never taught me about my body.”
He averts his gaze and runs his hand along his neck. “Why would I have? I’m your father. Not your mother.”
“And my mother is dead. She’s been dead for so many years now. If you couldn’t do what she was supposed to do then you should have found another woman to teach me. Someone. Anyone!”
“Why are you yelling at me?”
“Because I’m angry! Because I don’t know anything!
And it’s because of you. I’m drowning in my marriage because of you.
I don’t know what’s right and wrong because of you.
I tried being a perfect wife because that’s what you taught me.
But even that’s not good enough. My husband expects things from my body – things that feel good and are confusing – and I have no idea if they’re right or wrong. Because I was taught nothing.”
His face is red and he still can’t look me in the eye. It’s embarrassing for him, I realize. But how does he think it makes me feel? “You were told where babies come from. Isn’t that enough?”
“No,” I breathe out. “It wasn’t.”
“It’s up to your husband to teach you,” he says, clearing his throat. “I can’t talk about this anymore. It’s uncomfortable.”
“I’m so sorry my life is making you uncomfortable. If you had just given me the right education I needed, then I wouldn’t be here, making you uncomfortable. Just because I’m your little girl, Daddy, doesn’t mean you just get to walk away from this. You should have done better.”
“I raised you with everything!” he shouts. “I did the best I could after your mother died.”
“You fed me to the wolves. You let me walk into a lion’s den with no knowledge. It shouldn’t have been my husband who had to teach me these things. Because now I don’t even know if I’m supposed to trust my husband. I don’t know if I’m supposed to like the things he does to me.”
“Enough,” he says with a raised hand. “I don’t need to know those things.”
My chest squeezes in panic. “Maybe you should know what he’s done to me.
I’m not just your little girl anymore. I’m a married woman now.
I did my duty for this family. For your men.
For peace. You don’t get to bury your head in the sand just because you don’t want to hear it.
I needed to know more and you should have made sure I knew more.
Even if you weren’t capable of it yourself, you should have found someone who would have told me. ”
“Fine,” he snaps. “I guess I did you wrong. But I was just trying to protect you. There’s nothing wrong about a father wanting to protect his daughter.”
“No. There isn’t. But there is something wrong about you not telling me I was supposed to marry Matteo before I met him.
There is something wrong about the fact that you knew for months and never told me.
All because you wanted me to be your little girl longer.
You were doing that for you. Not for me.
You always protected me for you, Dad. But if you had really wanted to protect me, you should have given me what I actually needed.
Information. Knowledge. That’s what I needed. ”
He stares at the floor, breathing heavy. It hurts my soul that he can’t look me in the eye. Maybe it’s shame. Maybe it’s the reality that I am my own person now and no longer just his little girl.
No matter the reason, it still hurts that he won’t look at me.
“Is that what you came here for?” he asks in a low voice. “To yell at me? To berate me?”
I flinch. “I’m frustrated. I’m scared. I’m confused. I feel like I have to take it all on my own.”
“You’ve never spoken to me this way before.”
“Because I was trying to be the good girl you and everyone else expected of me. But I’m starting to see that staying quiet hasn’t helped anything. It’s only caused me more pain. And I needed you to know this. I needed you to know that I’m hurting, Daddy.”
It happens so fast, it startles me. He breaks down crying. It starts off small before it comes full body sobs.
“Daddy?”
He bends over, crying so hard, he can’t even open his eyes. “I am sorry, Luciana. I’m sorry that I did this to you. I never wanted any of this for you. I wanted you to marry for love. I wanted you to be happy.”
“Oh. Dad.” I wrap my arms around him and he hugs me back so tight it almost hurts. But I don’t mind. My father’s hugs have always been a source of comfort for me. “I love you so much. I’m just frustrated that I wasn’t given what I needed to be ready for all of this.”
“I know. And I’m sorry.” He pulls back, wiping at his eyes. “Is he hurting you? Is he expecting things from you? Because if he is, I’ll hurt him. Fuck this peace treaty.”
My eyes widen. My father was never one for cussing – at least not around me. “No. Matteo hasn’t hurt me. I don’t want you to go to war with him. I couldn’t risk you getting hurt.”
“Then if he’s not hurting you, what’s the problem? I don’t understand.”
“It’s… it’s not that he’s hurting me. It’s more that he challenges me and it’s scary.
I’ve never had to feel the things he expects from me and it’s a lot.
I’m either scared all the time or feeling like I’ve been failing all the time.
I was taught to be perfect and now I feel like I’m so far from that. ”
He cups my face. “You’ll always be perfect to me.”
And that right there is the problem. My father will always put me on a pedestal and while I love him for it, it’s the exact reason I’m struggling.
I want to give in to Matteo while I want to run far away.
None of it makes any sense but maybe it would have if I had been given grace to be less perfect.
“I love you,” I say because I know my father will only see me as perfect and there’s nothing I can do to change his mind. “I’ll be fine. Don’t worry.”
“How can I not worry? You come here, upset. I should speak with your husband.” He heads for the door but I grab his arm.
“Dad, no. I don’t want you to make things worse.”
“I won’t make things worse. I just want to speak with your husband and make sure he’s treating you right. It’s only fair as your father for me to do this.” He pulls away from me and walks outside with determination.
I have no choice but to follow.
Enzo drives me back to Matteo’s house while my father drives up ahead. I rush out of the car the moment we pull into the driveway but my father is already walking to the front door. He pounds on it.
“Dad,” I say. “Don’t do this. It’s ok. You don’t need to speak to Matteo.”
“I think I do. You came to me, upset, all because of him. I need to speak with him.”
“Then at least let me open the door. You don’t need to keep pounding on it.” Before I can get my key out, the door opens. Matteo looks between me and my father.
“What’s going on here?”
My father walks right up to Matteo so they’re toe-to-toe. “Have you been hurting my daughter?”
Matteo’s eyes flick to mine and back to my father. I feel a blush creep up my face and down my neck. “No. Did she tell you I’ve been hurting her?”
“She came to me in tears. Upset. You must be doing something to her to make her feel this way. So what is it?”
“Do you want to come inside?” He steps out of the way and motions for my father to come into the house.
I leave the front door open when I step inside. For some reason, I don’t think this conversation should happen in private. The last thing I want is my father getting hurt.
Or Matteo. Do I want him to get hurt? I’m still not sure.
“What is the problem?” Matteo asks, crossing his arms and looking like a cold statue.
“You have made my daughter upset. I came here as her concerned parent wanting to make sure you’re treating my daughter right. I agreed to this marriage deal but if you’re hurting her, then all bets are off.”
Matteo narrows his eyes. “Are you threatening me, Rocco?”
“I am if you’re hurting my daughter.”
“I told you. I am not hurting her. Is that what she told you?”