9. Chapter Nine #2
“I was.” She finally looks me in the eye.
“But I always thought I would love that man. I thought he would be a good man. I thought I would have the choice but I wasn’t given the choice.
It changed everything. It’s why I’m struggling so much.
I want to do right by our marriage but I also don’t understand these feelings inside of me.
I shouldn’t like what you do to me but I do. And it’s all so confusing.”
“It’s ok to like pleasure, Luciana.”
“None of the mafia women I’ve spoken to have ever mentioned pleasure. All they do is complain about their husbands.”
“Then you need to stop spending so much time with these other mafia women. They’re filling your head with bad ideas.”
“It’s my life,” she says. “All I’ve ever known. Tea parties. Mafia women. Mafia men. Money. I was sheltered, I can admit. More sheltered than I realized. And it’s been eating away at me.”
“So let it go.”
She huffs. “You make it sound so easy.”
“It can be easy. We can have fun together, Luciana. I can show you more pleasure. Hell, we can fuck every day if you want.”
She blushes harder. “I don’t think it’s appropriate for someone to speak that way.”
“Fuck. You can say the word. Say it. Nothing bad will happen to you.”
She shakes her head and slides away from me down the couch. “I can’t. I don’t want to.” I can see her putting her walls back up. Every time I challenge her.
“I have a serious question. Do you feel like a failure every time I challenge you to do something? Does it make you feel not good enough?”
“I…” Her eyes flick away from me. “Maybe.”
“That’s not my intention. I just want you to go outside your safe, little world. I want you to enjoy life. I want to enjoy life with you. We married for peace. We’ve done our duty. Now everything else is an added bonus. It doesn’t have to be miserable.”
“I was taught to be perfect and everything you’re doing is making me feel less than perfect.”
“I’ll keep showing you that you’re wrong.
But only you can change your mind on this.
I can’t force it. So think about what I’ve said.
And remember: if you ever want to experience pleasure, I’m here.
You don’t have to be so afraid of it.” I walk away from her since I know Luciana needs time to think.
I just have to be patient enough. My mind can be but the problem is my body. I want her and I’m not sure how much longer I can hold out before I claim her fully.
Luciana
Despite what Matteo told me, I end up going to another tea function surrounded by mafia women. It’s mostly to see Sienna again since I haven’t had the chance to speak with her much over the past week.
But the moment I see Alexandra, I know there’s going to be problems.
She storms right over to me and points her finger in my face. “You. You should be ashamed of yourself. Hitting me the way you did. I should have you arrested.”
“I’m a higher ranking mafia woman than you are,” I reply calmly even though my blood is boiling. “You wouldn’t get away with it. And I am sorry, Alexandra. I should not have lost my temper. I didn’t mean to hit you. Can you accept my apology?”
She huffs and turns on her heels, clacking away.
I go over to Sienna and sit down in the chair beside her. “How are you doing?”
“In this moment, better than you are. I’m surprised you came back here after what happened.”
“Me too. But I wanted to see you.”
Her fingers pluck at the tea cup on the table. “I’m doing as well as you’d expect. I didn’t think about my dad as much today.”
“Is that good?”
“I guess. My mother says that’s good. But it feels like I’m betraying him, you know?”
“I get that. When I lost my mom, I didn’t know how to feel.”
Aurora joins us at our table before Sienna can respond. “Room for one more?”
“Of course,” I say, pointing at the spot beside me. I stare at Aurora for a moment as something crosses my mind. “You’re married. To Gabriel.”
“Yes,” she says. “But you’ve known that for a while now.”
“There’s something I want to ask you.” I can feel my face on fire. The last thing I want is to ask this question but I need answers to what I’m feeling.
“Anything.”
I glance at Sienna and she sighs, standing up. “You want to talk about marriage, don’t you? I’ll give you some space.” She heads over to a table along the wall covered in pastries.
Aurora leans in closer to me. “What did you want to ask me?”
“Do you…” I look around the room. All the other mafia women are talking to each other and not looking at me.
“Do I what?”
“You and Gabriel… are intimate, I’m assuming.”
Aurora’s eyes widen before she nods. “Yes. We are.”
“And do you enjoy it? Being with him?”
“Do you not enjoy being with Matteo? Is he hurting you?”
I wave a dismissive hand. “No. Nothing like that. I just want to know. Do you enjoy being intimate with your husband?”
Pink tinges Aurora’s face but she still gives me an answer. “I do enjoy it. I enjoy it a lot.”
“What does he do to you?” When her eyes widen, I quickly scramble. “I’m sorry. I just need to know.”
“Has something happened with Matteo? Tell me, Luciana.”
“He put his mouth on me,” I whisper. “And I don’t know what to make of it.”
“Ah.” Understanding fills Aurora’s eyes. “Did you not like it?”
“That’s the problem. I did. I feel like I’m doing something wrong. I shouldn’t like it. Right? A good wife is supposed to just lay there and let her husband do what he needs to do.” Yet, I’m completely incapable of that apparently.
“My husband does the same to me.”
“What? Really?”
Aurora nods. “We’ve done a lot of things together and I’ve enjoyed everything.
What Matteo did to you wasn’t wrong. It would only be wrong if you didn’t like it.
And you said you did like it. So I don’t see the problem.
It’s nice to have a good sex life with your husband.
Most of the women here don’t. Don’t be like them.
Forge your own path. If you want to enjoy your sex life, then enjoy it.
There’s nothing wrong with that. The bedroom is literally the most private space you have with your husband.
Don’t let anyone else come in the way of that. ”
Aurora’s words are game changing. I never knew any of this was true.
It’s only made me realize just how little I know and that makes me more angry than anything else.