13. Chapter Thirteen #2
“Yes. I’m the reason she’s dead and it’s killing me inside. I wanted you to take me so I could finally say I’ve done one thing right as a wife.”
The flinch on his face makes dread fill my stomach. “You only wanted me to take you to make you feel better for something you didn’t do? I thought you wanted me to claim you because you truly wanted it.”
“I did want it. I do. I… I’m just… I don’t know.” I shake my head. “I don’t know.”
“Why do you think you’re the reason Alexandra is dead? You hold so much pressure on your shoulders. Surely this is one time you can let some of that go.”
“Dante Zaneli.”
Matteo tenses. “What about him?”
“When I met him… I gave him Alexandra’s name as my own.
I was so scared and I didn’t want to tell him who I really was.
I didn’t know if he was an enemy or a friend of Gabriel’s and my father’s.
Or a friend or enemy of yours. So I lied and gave him Alexandra’s name.
That note confirmed it for me. It said that Alexandra wasn’t the real one and that’s why she was killed.
Because Dante thinks I’m the real Alexandra Ricci.
It has to be. It’s the only thing that makes sense. ”
Matteo stands up and begins pacing. Without his arms around me, I feel cold. “How can you know for sure? Why would he want anything to do with you?”
“I don’t know. We only met the once. I don’t know what kind of man he is. Well… now I do. He’s evil. He killed Alexandra because she wasn’t me. It’s the only way that note makes sense. Right?”
“There could be a number of reasons he had Alexandra killed. You can’t hold onto this guilt, Luciana.” He stops as his face blanches. “Is that why you wanted me to take you from behind? I never thought you would want that and yet you begged for it. Why?”
I bow my head. “Because I felt like I didn’t deserve to be taken any other way.”
“Fuck, Luciana,” he breathes out. This time, his tone is much harsher than it was a moment ago.
When we were having sex. I can’t even call it making love.
There was no love there. “If I had known, I wouldn’t have fucked you like that.
You deserve to be taken in a much more respectful way if that’s what you had really wanted. ”
“I needed you to take my shame from me,” I admit. “And I needed to feel bad for my part in Alexandra’s death.”
“I don’t believe there’s any sex position that is morally wrong.
But you do. You wanted me to claim you from behind because you thought that’s what you deserve.
You thought you deserved less. Fuck, Luciana.
This is why you should have told me. You should have opened up to me.
If I had known, I wouldn’t have finally claimed you. I would have waited.”
“I’m sorry,” I whisper as tears slip out of my eyes. “I can never do anything right. What is wrong with me? Why am I so bad at all of this?”
He sighs and sinks to his knees before me. “Look at me,” he says in a gentle tone.
I force my eyes open to do as he says.
“You are not a bad wife. I knew the moment I met you, I wanted you to be mine.”
“I was already promised to you when we met.”
He makes a sound low in his throat. “That’s not the point.
The point is that when I saw you, I was happy you were going to be mine.
I thought you were so beautiful. I desired you then and I still desire you now.
You’re putting all this pressure on yourself, Luciana, and it’s going to kill you one day.
You are not failing as my wife. If you were to just communicate with me, then everything would be fine.
Be real with me. That’s all I’ve ever asked of you. ”
“I just wanted to do my duty as your wife.”
“How do you think that makes me feel? That you only wanted to have sex with me because of your duty? I want you to desire me as well.”
“I do,” I whisper. “I wanted it. I wanted you to touch me.”
“But you wanted me to touch you in a way that you had deemed shameful. You wanted to be punished for Alexandra’s death. But I’m not going to punish you for that. I’m not going to have sex with you again unless you come to me first. I want you to come to me because you truly want it.”
“I do want it. I wasn’t lying about that. I enjoyed it. More than I thought I would.”
A small smile crosses his lips but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes.
“And that makes me happy. I’ll keep reminding you every day if I have to that you’re good enough.
But you have to let go of all the things you’re holding on to.
You are not responsible for Alexandra’s death.
Dante had her killed. And even if it was because of you, that still doesn’t make it your fault.
I will deal with Dante. I will make sure he doesn’t come for you.
You will be safe. That’s my promise. So let it go, Luciana. Please.”
The desperation in his voice fills my heart with longing and a deep ache that hurts all the way through my entire body.
I know he means every word he says. There’s so much sincerity in his eyes.
Why have I never seen it before? My husband may have done bad things but I know he wants what’s best for me. And I have to start seeing that.
I have to accept who my husband is. I have to accept who I am.
But that doesn’t just make my shame disappear.
“I’ll try,” I answer because I know it’s what he needs to hear. But I know deep down that it won’t be easy.
The entire time, I can feel the soreness building between my legs. It’s a reminder that I’ll have to live with my actions for the rest of my life.