16. Chapter Sixteen #2
This is how Luciana finds me when she opens the door. “Sienna?” She rushes to my side. “Are you ok? You look like you’re dying.”
“I’m… fine,” I gasp out, still holding onto my chest.
“You don’t look fine. Do you need me to call someone?”
“No,” I rasp. “No. Please. No one. Just you. I missed you.”
Luciana throws her arms around me and we cling to each other. I sob into her neck.
“Why did he let me go?” I cry.
She holds me tighter. “I don’t know. But I’m glad he did. It means you’re back home. Safe. All of us will protect you. You’ll never be out of anyone’s sight. You’ll be the most protected woman in all of Italy.”
“But why did he leave me?” My question comes out like a whine. A sob.
Luciana pulls back and stares at me with a confused frown. “I don’t understand?”
“He let me go and I don’t get it, Luci. I don’t get it.”
“What is there to get? He let you go for whatever reason. But who cares? You’re safe now. That’s all that matters.”
I let myself say the one thing I couldn’t around my mom. “I miss him.”
Luciana goes still. “What do you mean? Who?”
“Dante,” I say it like it’s obvious. “He let me go only a few hours ago and I already miss him. What is wrong with me?”
“I… I don’t know.” Luciana looks taken aback. “Sienna… how can you miss him? He kidnapped you. Treated you terribly. I’m assuming he did. He almost killed me and Matteo.”
“I know,” I sob, curling back into a ball. “I know all of these things. He’s a monster. I know. I know. I know. So why can’t I make sense of it?”
“Sense of what?”
“My feelings!” I scream, which makes Luciana jerk back.
“You’re… feelings? What feelings are those? Sienna, you’re scaring me. I don’t understand anything.”
“He touched me, Luci,” I whisper, staring at the mattress. My fingers pick at the blanket. It’s all so mundane compared to how things were with Dante and it’s only been a few hours since I last saw him.
“Ok,” she says slowly. “Do you want to talk about it? Gabriel vowed to kill Dante for what he did to you. He’ll surely go to hell for…” She stops talking.
“For raping me? Is that what you wanted to say?”
“I’m sorry, Sienna. I didn’t mean any harm. I’m just happy you’re back now.”
“Luci, he touched me.”
“I know. And I’ll help you get through it all. I promise.”
“No.” I sit up and force myself to look into her eyes. I couldn’t tell my mom any of this but I need to tell my best friend. “Dante touched me and I let him touch me.”
Luciana’s eyes widen. “Ok. Um… Well, you did what you did to survive. No one would blame you for that. You’re not in the wrong, Sienna.
I know us mafia girls hold a lot of pressures on ourselves.
Lord knows I’ve put way too much pressure on myself to be a certain way.
You don’t need to do that. You just need to focus on healing. ”
“He didn’t rape me, Luci. That’s what I’m saying. I gave him my… virginity.” I whisper the last word.
Somehow, her eyes get even wider. “I… Oh.”
“I let him have it. I wanted him to have it. He brought something out in me and now I don’t know how to push it away. I want to be touched again, Luci. I want him to touch me again. I need him. What is wrong with me?”
“There’s nothing wrong with you.” She puts her arm around me but I pull away. “Sienna?”
“There has to be something wrong with me. I welcomed Dante’s touch. And now, when Gabriel asked me to tell him where Dante kept me, I couldn’t. I said it was because I didn’t want Gabriel to be killed. And while that’s true, I also lied. I don’t want Dante to be the one killed.”
Luciana blows out a long breath, thinking my words over. “Ok. So are you saying… you have feelings for him?” I can detect the judgment in her tone.
“Yes,” I whisper. “I think I do. No. I know I do. I hate him and yet… I’m drawn to him. I want him. What is wrong with me?”
“Sienna, you do know he almost killed me right? He threatened to rape me with his gun,”
I flinch. “I know. You told me.” And here I was, enjoying the time I had sex with him when he had his gun to my head. “I just… I don’t know what to do.”
“He must have brainwashed you somehow. You need to tell Gabriel where he kept you. So Gabriel can kill him and we can be done with this mess.”
“And what happens to me after Dante is dead? Will another man kidnap me? Will Gabriel force me to marry someone else?”
She sighs. “I don’t know, Sienna.”
“Why can’t you just be supportive of me? Why judge me?”
“Because he almost killed me!” She jumps to her feet. “I hate him and I hate the thought that you could have feelings for that monster. You don’t…” Her face pales. “You don’t love him, do you?”
I huff. “I…” I want to say no but can I? Is what Dante and I have love? Some strange, obsessive addictive love? It’s not healthy, I know that. And yet, is this what I’m feeling? Heartbroken over Dante letting me go because I love him?
“Do you?” Luciana demands.
“I don’t know,” I cry. “I don’t know what I feel. I just know that I want to be with him. I want to be married to him. I want him to make peace with Gabriel. And I don’t want Gabriel finding out where he is. Please, Luci. Help me.”
Slowly, she sits back down and takes my hands. “Tell me where he kept you, Sienna. I will not tell Gabriel. I promise. Just tell me where he kept you.”
But we both know she’ll tell Gabriel in a heartbeat and I can’t risk my kidnapper being killed.
Before I can give Luci an answer, the door opens and my mom stands there, looking more like a ghost than a human. “Do you love him?” Her question cuts me to the core.