17. Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Seventeen
Sienna
Do you love him? My mom’s question is a terrifying one. I can’t love a monster like Dante. It’s not love. It’s more… obsession. Addiction. And yet, he still let me go. That has to count for something. I want him and I hate him and I don’t know how to make sense of these confusing feelings.
“I asked you a question,” Mom says in a hard tone.
“Were you listening in?” I ask.
She looks bashful for a moment. “I just wanted to make sure you were all right.”
“By listening to my conversation? You don’t get to come in here and ask me any sort of question when you were eavesdropping.”
“I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t have but it’s a good thing I did. Do you love him, Sienna? You can’t love a man like that. He kidnapped you. He must have hurt you so much to make you think this way.”
I get to my feet, needing to feel some sort of power. “I never said I love him. I just… I have conflicting feelings for him, all right? What all did you hear?”
“That you gave him your body. But he must have made you. There’s no way you would have willingly done it.”
“You don’t know everything about me, Mom. I didn’t want to tell you because I knew it would upset you but I did give Dante my body. I wanted him to take me. I’m not sorry for that. It had felt good. It wasn’t rape.”
“But he kidnapped you. By holding you captive, it’s inherently rape.”
A flare of anger hits me as I shake my head.
“No. Not everything is how you want to see it. I know it’s not simple.
It’s not black or white. Yes, Dante kidnapped me and I hate him for it.
But I also don’t want him to die. He woke something up inside of me and I don’t want to put it away.
I’m sorry that I’m not perfect right now. ”
She flinches. “You were kidnapped. I… I get it. I’ll give you some time to sort out your feelings and thoughts. But Sienna, please think about this. You can’t love him.”
“I’m tired,” I say with a sigh, sinking back onto the bed. “I just need to rest.”
“I’ll go,” Luciana offers. “I’m glad you’re back home, Sienna.” She and my mom share a concerned look. They’re probably going to discuss me and my problems amongst themselves.
After I’m alone, I curl back into a ball on the bed. Why do I have to feel all these feelings? Why can’t things just be simple?
This is all Dante’s fault. So why do I still miss him so much?
Gabriel insists on asking me every day for the next week where Dante kept me and I refuse to tell him. I spend each day trying to forget Dante. I focus on reading. On writing. On exercising. I talk with Aurora and Luciana about things unrelated to Dante. My mom gives me space.
It’s all so… mundane.
And I hate every moment of it.
With Dante, even though I was a prisoner, life was still thrilling. He brought that part out in me and I want to experience it again. I need to experience it again.
But I can’t be with Dante. My mom made that very clear. I need to move on from what he did to me. It was trauma. I know that’s it.
My body doesn’t know that though. It needs another release. My own touch just doesn’t do it for me. The only time I was able to come on my own hand was when Dante was right before me. I’ve tried every night to touch myself and it just doesn’t work. I need more.
I need to find another man to be with. It’s the only solution. But the last thing I want is to be married off by Gabriel to some mafia man I have no say in. Ironically, it’s what he wanted to do to me when it came to Dante.
I don’t want to be put inside a box any longer. I want my own freedom.
It’s hard to find it though when Gabriel and my mom are watching me like a hawk.
My only chance to escape is when night falls.
Gabriel has a guard out front that will be impossible to get past so I can’t just walk out the front door.
Instead, I climb out the window. Fortunately, it’s on the first floor so I don’t have to jump down too far.
I walk around the side of the house as quietly as I can. The guard is stationed outside by the front door. He’s looking at something on his phone. Must be a boring job after a while.
I use that to my advantage and stay in the darkness until I reach the road. There, I start running as fast as I can to get away from Gabriel’s house. It’s only once I’m far enough away that I stop and catch my breath.
I have no idea where I’m going; just that I needed to be out of that stifling house. I need to breathe. I need to live.
I keep walking until I find what I’m looking for. A nightclub. It’s packed this time a night with so many people waiting outside in a line to get in. I could meet someone here. Maybe fall in love.
Or not. Maybe I could just enjoy myself for a while. That’s what I need. Not Dante. I just want the release. Not the man.
At least that’s what I keep telling myself.
After waiting in line, I eventually make it into the club. Sweaty people on the dance floor. Drunk people at the bar. People kissing. People screaming. The loud, chaotic energy sends a thrill through me.
I’ve never done this in my life before. I’m regretting not living more before Dante kidnapped me.
My body moves to the dance floor and I let myself jump and shake and twirl without a care in the world. Laughter escapes me. It’s the most free I have felt… ever.
A man approaches me. Young. Probably in his twenties. Cute with brown hair and dimples.
“Hi,” he says to me, sidling in close. “Care to dance?”
“Yes.” I give him my hand and he pulls me deeper into the throng of people. My hands grip his arms but I instantly think about how they’re not as strong as Dante’s. That’s ok though. He doesn’t need to be. I don’t need Dante.
“What’s your name?” he asks.
“Sienna.”
“Lorenzo.”
“Nice to meet you.”
He laughs, pulling me in close. “Nice to meet you too.” He grinds his body against mine as we dance. Technically, it feels good. And yet… I don’t feel that spark of arousal that Dante would set off in me.
That doesn’t matter, I say to myself. Dante doesn’t matter.
Lorenzo and I dance for a while together. I keep telling myself that I’m enjoying this. That it’s fun.
“Want to get out of here?” he asks.
My heart skips a beat. “And go where?”
“Back to my place?” He cups my face and leans down, giving me a small kiss. I’m so startled by it, I pull back. “Sorry. Too soon?”
I consider the kiss. It was pleasant. Nice. Standing on my tiptoes, I kiss Lorenzo, deeper this time. He eagerly kisses me back.
But the kiss just feels… ok. A little sloppy. Nothing electric. No excitement. Yes, it feels physically good. It’s just that there’s nothing here. No passion.
Because he’s not Dante.
I thought I only wanted a release from anybody but it’s not just anybody I want. It’s Dante through and through.
That thought makes me pull back from Lorenzo with a gasp. I can’t have these feelings for Dante. I just can’t. They’re all wrong.
And yet, they refuse to leave me.
“What’s going on here?” a familiar voice asks.
With a gasp, I whirl around to find Dante standing in the middle of the crowd, watching me and Lorenzo. His eyes are narrowed. There’s that familiar darkness radiating off of him.
“Dante,” I whisper.
His eyes flick to Lorenzo and in one fast motion, punches the guy in the face. Lorenzo drops to the ground. A woman near me screams.
“Why did you do that?” I ask.
Dante grabs my hand. “Come on.” He tugs me along towards a more quiet, private part of the club. “I let you go and only a week later, you’re moving on from me? Good to know where I stand.”
I pull my hand from his but I can’t deny the tingly sensation left behind on my skin. That’s the power Dante has over me. “I wasn’t moving on.”
“I saw you kissing that fucker.”
“Why are you here?”
“Why are you here?”
“I don’t owe you anything, Dante. Not anymore. You let me go, remember?”
He leans in closer to me and I want to step back while at the same time, I want to lean in closer. “I know I let you go. And I meant it. I haven’t come for you.”
“I know,” I whisper. “But why haven’t you come for me?” My question sounds so pathetic and sad, it’s embarrassing.
His eyes widen for a second, showing me that vulnerability he has deep within himself.
“I let you go because I knew it was the best thing for you. I’m bad for you, Sienna.
I tried to humiliate you because I didn’t want to face what I was feeling.
I felt… guilt. Fucking guilt for the first time in my entire life.
That’s why I let you go and why I didn’t come back for you. ”
His admission rocks me to my core. “You felt guilty for what you did to me?”
“Yes. Don’t tell anyone else,” he adds with a smirk. “I have my reputation at stake.”
“Why didn’t you just tell me this? You let me go and it was confusing. I didn’t understand why.”
“Well, now you know why.”
“But why did you punch Lorenzo? You let me go.”
“Lorenzo?” He scoffs. “Are you close with him or something?”
“No. I just met him tonight.”
“You were kissing a man you just met tonight?”
“It’s not my fault you brought this part of me out. The part that wants to experience life. I needed to know what kissing another man felt like. I needed to know if I only wanted to be touched or…”
He quirks an eyebrow. “Or?”
“Or if I wanted to be touched by you.”
“And?” He steps closer to me. The air is hard to breathe in. And yet, I’m right where I want to be.
“And I realized that I only want to be touched by you.”
“You shouldn’t tell me that. It’s a dangerous thing to say.”
“I know. But it’s the truth. I always asked you to open up to me. How fair would it be if I didn’t let you in myself?” I gasp when my back hits the wall. Dante has me cornered. “What are you going to do about what I just said?”
“I shouldn’t do anything. I should just back away. I let you go for a reason. I can’t bring you back into my life, Sienna. You’re dangerous for me.”
“How am I dangerous?” I breathe out.
He lowers his lips to my ear. “Because you were my weakness from the first moment I saw you.”
I arch into him. “Please.”
“You need me still?”