Chapter 25
In the predawn light, I watch as Kyor and Elska slink off into the undergrowth. Despite myself, my gut churns with anxiety. My eyes follow them as they disappear into the shadows, and I only realise I’m still staring minutes later when Caz squeezes me by the arm.
‘I’m sure wherever he’s gone, he’ll be okay,’ she tells me. ‘You know that, right?’
I force a smile. ‘Of course I do. He’s like a bloody cockroach.’ Just like me.
It’s an insult our Retterheld combat trainer, Commander Holden, used to use for me. A cockroach surviving the trials while others were dying cruel and pain-filled deaths. I used to think the insult was harsh, but now I wear it as a badge of pride.
There is nothing wrong with surviving, enduring – doing whatever it takes. And Kyor has that same strength.
‘Can I ask you a question?’ Caz asks, her voice hesitant. ‘Without you getting mad?’
‘I don’t know,’ I reply honestly, huffing a half-laugh. ‘What is it you want to ask?’
‘You and Kyor. Why are you fighting it so hard? You know he loves you, and you’re clearly still in love with him. You literally spend the entire day staring at him.’
‘I do not!’ My skin warms. I hate being so transparent.
‘You’re in denial,’ Caz says, ‘but you love him, I think, as deeply as I loved Llinos, so why are you stopping yourself from being together?’
I barely have to think about the answer. ‘Because I can’t trust him.’
‘Is that the truth, or is that the excuse you keep telling yourself? Because if I could have Llinos and her love back, I’d do anything I can, anything I need to. You have that love, Rose. And you’re squandering it.’
That hurts, more than a little. ‘I’m not squandering it. How can you be with someone when you don’t trust them?’
She snorts. ‘You do trust him, Rose. He tells you a terrifying creature from children’s nightmares stalks us, and you believe him.
Instantly. I don’t think you’re being honest with yourself.
Yes, he broke something between you, but you do trust him, at least to a degree.
Full trust needs to be built, and that’s hard, of course it is, but I think it’s worth doing.
’ She sees that she’s not getting through to me and changes tack. ‘It’s like bone.’
‘What? You’ve lost me.’
‘When you break a bone and it heals,’ she explains, ‘the line where the fracture was forms stronger than before. You know, to prevent it happening again? Maybe – and this is a maybe – but maybe if that’s what you wanted, then you two could reform together, stronger.’
‘But there’s still the rest of me, right?’ I say softly. ‘The other bones that could get broken next?’
Because Kyor has the power to break me more than any other. I’ve tasted it, and it wasn’t great.
‘Right,’ she agrees. ‘Not to mention, you would have to open yourself up to let that happen. And I’m not oblivious to what’s there between you and our warm hugger either.’
‘Ruben and I are just friends,’ I reply firmly.
She smiles. ‘I’m willing to bet you two were never just friends,’ she offers back.
‘It’s clear he loves you.’ She pauses. ‘It’s equally clear that you never loved him.
He won’t move on, Rose. Not while there’s just the slimmest chance of you two being together.
Even if you don’t choose Kyor, you need to let Ruben know you won’t choose him. Not ever again.’
I wince. I don’t want to hurt Ruben, not like that. ‘I care for him, a lot. I don’t want to hurt him. Or lose him.’
‘He’s a smart man. He can see which way the wind is blowing. Not setting him straight will hurt him more in the long run. He deserves a conversation.’
She’s right – I know she is.
My heart clenches, aches. I love Ruben, but not the way he loves me. I love him like a friend.
And that’s not something I can say about Kyor. There’s nothing remotely platonic about the way I feel about him. But that’s not love – that’s lust. Maybe love isn’t something I’ll have in this lifetime. Maybe a happy ever after is for Kay, not me.
I’m tired, and cold, and I’m already sick of sleeping on hard ground.
I feel as if we’ve been on the road for ages, but it’s been merely a matter of days.
‘We should prep some food and eat,’ I say to Caz, needing to change the conversation. ‘We need to make sure there’s plenty of food for when Kyor gets back.’
‘I think Benny and Ruben are on that.’
I look to the side, and sure enough, the pair are there, in close-knit conversation.
‘Did Benny ever have someone?’ I ask Caz as I study them. ‘You know, the way you and Llin did? Someone special back at home?’
‘You mean other than the Eastern Isles herself?’ she says, raising an eyebrow. ‘Sure, he’ll flirt and have fun, but he’ll never open himself up. His land and his people will always come first to him.’
‘That feels sad,’ I say, almost to myself.
‘Is it any different from people putting their family before love?’ Caz says to me pointedly. ‘Just on a bigger scale, I guess.’
‘Maybe,’ I say. ‘Maybe.’
A silence falls. Am I putting family before love? Maybe. I’m certainly putting keeping William safe above being open with Kyor, but I don’t see that as the same.
Not wanting to get lost in my thoughts, I move to see if the others need help, when one of the horses whinnies.
My pulse spikes and I draw my dagger, but it’s only Kyor and Elska returning.
I try to ignore the huge sense of relief I feel that he’s back, unharmed. I move to intercept them, and Kyor slides off Elska.
‘Okay?’ I ask.
‘Els can still taste it on the air, but only faintly. We think it doesn’t want to come into the forest with us. It could be scouting around the edge, waiting for when we come out. We need to be wary, but for now, I think we’re okay.’
He looks wrecked. Exhausted. He’s been working overtime, trying to keep us safe.
‘What do you need?’ I ask. ‘Food? Drink?’
He shakes his head and looks at me with pleading icy eyes. ‘What I really want … is a hug. Please, would you hug me? Just for a moment.’
The simplicity of the request cuts to the core of me, and I nod, unable to voice a reply.
Wordlessly, he draws in a long breath, expels it slowly, and then wraps his arms around me, pulling my head into his chest. His warmth and comfort encircle me, and there’s something about the way he holds me that stirs in my memory.
It’s the way he held me after we lost Llin.
This embrace is as much for me as it is for him.
The hold continues longer than it should, both of us silently breathing in the scent of the other.
It isn’t awkward, even though it should be.
I should still be raging at him, but day by day, hour after hour, the anger is slipping away from me.
It’s like trying to hold water with your hands.
Why did he have to come? Why does he have to look at me the way he does?
Like he does love me? Like it wasn’t a farce.
It will be my undoing.
‘Maybe you should curl up with Elska tonight?’ he suggests as I finally pull away.
‘What?’ I can’t help but laugh. ‘I’ll hardly sleep well worrying I’m going to have my head ripped off in the middle of the night.’
‘She wouldn’t do that,’ Kyor replies, his tone teasing. ‘She’d want an audience.’
An involuntary chuckle cracks from my throat, and I realise it’s the first time he’s made me laugh since all our shit happened. And it feels good.
He tucks a loose strand of my white-blonde hair behind one ear. ‘Seriously though, she’s a great pillow.’
‘It’s fine,’ I tell him. ‘I don’t think she’d want me that close.’ Then, before I can stop myself, I lean forward and kiss him gently on the cheek.
‘Thanks for the hug,’ I tell him.
It takes everything in me to walk away. To fight the coldness that is life without his arms around me. Damn Caz and her talk about bones. Am I seriously considering letting him in again?
No. That way madness lies. Kyor and I can be friends one day, perhaps, but that is all.
Bones break and heal again, but a torn heart never does. Every flutter of it hurts.
Benny and Ruben are sharing a horse today, so Caz and I can have a horse each. It’s kind of them, but I cynically wonder if it is so they can talk secret rebel-talk as we move.
‘What did you see exactly?’ Caz asks as the midday sun forces some splintering rays onto the forest floor. ‘In this most recent vision of yours. The ring one?’
‘I was standing on the ground,’ I begin. ‘I was in the forest, and I could see my mother’s ring there, just within reach. That’s really all it was.’
‘So it could be a vision. You know, seeing the future?’
‘No.’ I shake my head. ‘It wasn’t the future.
It was the present. It was the same moon that was above us at the time.
Exactly the same. The same cloud formations around it and everything.
Look, I know it sounds strange, but I feel like …
’ I voice my suspicions aloud for the first time.
‘I don’t know – it’s like I’m shifting into another body somehow. ’
‘Another body? Like another person’s body?’
From Caz’s concerned expression, I think twice about telling her the full truth. It’s not just another person’s body at all; I feel like I’m shifting into something far more avian.
I clear my throat. ‘Something like that. I’m going to go check with Kyor. See that we’re still on track,’ I tell her.
She smirks at me. ‘Sure.’
But before I can move further afield, Ruben and Benny approach me. Ruben makes small talk, and over his shoulder I see Caz pointedly making the sign of a triangle at me with her fingers. Fucking Benny. Of course his nonsense is catching on.
I ignore her gesture and wait for the first available opening to excuse myself. Then, with a flick of my reins, I quicken my mare to the front of the group.
With no idea where to head, I asked Kyor to get Elska to guide us back to the part of the forest where the trials were held, and I assume that’s what she’s doing.
‘Come to see me?’ Kyor’s eyes light up, and the closest thing I’ve seen to a full smile for a long time crosses his face. ‘Careful, Thorn. You might end up looking like you still feel something for me.’
I sigh, the nickname feeling like the first sip of fresh water I’ve tasted since everything crumbled between us. Yet before the feeling can settle, I remember exactly what caused it to crumble. My body stiffens. ‘What I feel has never been an issue in all this. Unless you’re talking about trust.’
‘I’m going to earn that b—’
Before he can finish his declaration, a scream breaks out from the back of the group. Without so much as a misstep, Elska pivots and charges back in the opposite direction, causing the other horses to rear and buck.
‘Get down!’ Kyor yells as lightning flashes in the daytime sky.
Thunder cracks and splits the air, and I kick my horse into a gallop and race towards Kyor and whatever the hell he’s fighting.
My body is flat against the neck of the animal as my clothes and hair snag on branches. When I reach the group, I see Caz standing on the ground, clutching her shoulder as she tries to keep her horse steady.
‘He came out of nowhere,’ Caz says, her voice trembling.
I look around to see who she is talking about and find that Kyor has dismounted from Elska with his sword drawn. Six feet away from him, a figure stumbles forward. He’s hunched over, muttering, hands clawing the air.
Kyor is just watching, almost as if he’s trying to make sense of what he’s seeing. I, on the other hand, am very aware of what I’m looking at: a threat.
‘What are you waiting for!’ I yell, lifting my hands up, ready to strike. The ice magic surges to my fingertips, but before I can release it, Benny slams into me from the side.
‘Wait!’ he screams, rushing towards the figure, arms wide as if in protection – not for Caz or me, but for the shambling man.
‘Wait!’ Benny bellows again. ‘It’s Loch! It’s Loch.’