Chapter 51
Author's POV
Zaviyar tossed and turned on the sofa, unable to sleep. He had been staring at the ceiling for what felt like hours, changing positions every few minutes, but sleep refused to come.
Across the room, Safiya sat on the edge of the bed. Her hands trembled in her lap. She had rehearsed what she wanted to say a dozen times in her head. Every sentence sounded perfect in her head.
But the moment, he looked at her, she couldn't remember a single one.
"Why aren't you sleeping?", His voice was quiet, but the exhaustion beneath it was impossible to miss. Safiya slowly looked up. Her eyes were swollen, not from crying, but from spending hours trying desperately not to.
The moment their eyes met, every carefully rehearsed sentence abandoned her.
"P-please...", She swallowed, "Listen to me. Just once." Zaviyar sat up, unable to sleep due to the headache.
He didn't say anything, just simply looked at her. There was so much yearning in his eyes that she almost looked away. He wanted nothing more than to cross the distance between them, pull her into his arms and hold her until neither of them remembered what had brought them here.
But he stayed where he was., "I didn't mean any of that.", Her voice was barely audible. Zaviyar's expression tightened. He stood and walked towards her.
"I only said those things because my parents would've never agreed otherwise. I thought if they believed then-"
"... your parents would stay with you.", His bitter laugh cut her off, completing her sentence.
"Safiya... we could've asked them. We could've convinced them. We could've-", His voice died when he saw her expression. She still didn't believe he would help her bring her parents to Azamgarh. He could see the question in her eyes even though she didn't say it.
Why would you help me? You hate them. He stepped closer.
"Because you matter to me more than my pride.", Her eyes immediately dropped. He knew, of course he knew.
"But you never let anyone stand beside you," he continued, his voice quieter now. "You don't let me stand beside you.", She said nothing.
"You carry every burden alone until it crushes you.", His voice grew heavier.
"You call me controlling, but you make decisions for everyone and then apologize after the damage is done.", His eyes finally met hers.
"And somehow... you still don't trust me enough to let me carry even a fraction of your pain.", Safiya lowered her head.
"I'm sorry."
"You know what hurts the most?", His voice cracked.
"It isn't what you said.", He took a breath, "It's the fact that after everything we've lived through...", He paused, "...you still believe you're an obligation in my life."
Her breathing hitched.
"Then what am I supposed to believe?", His brows drew together.
"What am I supposed to think of myself?", Her voice was barely audible at first, but it grew stronger with every word.
"You keep telling me I'm your wife.", A tear slipped down her cheek.
"But with what assurance?"
"Because you said you love me?", She wiped her cheek angrily.
"Is that enough?", Zaviyar went still, his brows crossed.
"You made it very clear on our wedding day that you hated me.", She pointed at him, her hand trembling, "You made me feel like I had ruined your life.", His jaw tightened.
"You told me that everything you did... every smile, every kind gesture...", She took a shaky breath, "...would only be for the world.", Her voice broke, her shoulders trembling as her words weiged down on her.
"So tell me...", A choked sob escaped her, "What am I supposed to believe?", She looked straight at him.
"Your love...", Her lips trembled, "...or the hatred you showed me first?", Zaviyar shut his eyes.
"I've apologized for that.", He stepped closer, his voice softer, "And I'm trying to make up for it.", His eyes carried the pain within his heart.
"I'm trying to become better.", he took another step, towards her, bringing his hands to hold her.
"I'm trying to mend everything I broke.", His breathing grew heavier.
"So why can't you believe me?"
"Because words change.", Safiya laughed through her tears. It was a broken little sound.
"People change within seconds..", Her eyes hardened, "But anger doesn't disappear that easily.", Zaviyar looked away.
"You hate my parents so much you can't even sit with them for more than an hour.", He couldn't argue with her, knowing how correct her every word was.
"You hated me so much that you couldn't bear looking at me.", His shoulders stiffened.
"You hated us once...", She voiced out, "What if one day you start hating me again?"
"Safiya-"
"What if tomorrow you wake up and realize loving me was a mistake?", Her voice grew rougher.
"What if someday you remember that I was never your choice?", He couldn't meet her eyes.
"What if you're only with me because your grandfather wished it?", She stepped closer.
"You've known since childhood that one day I'd become your wife.", Her fingers gently caught his chin, forcing him to look at her.
"What if this marriage is nothing more than fulfilling a dead man's promise?", Her voice shattered, her questions making him slowly slip his hands off her.
"What if...", She struggled to breathe, "...I'm just your responsibility?", Her shoulders began shaking.
"Tell me, Zaviyar.", She looked at him desperately.
"How do I know that I matter to you?", A tear rolled down her cheek, "How do I know you won't leave?"
"How do I know you won't wake up one day and realize I'm too easy to let go of?"
For a second, Zaviyar simply stared at her. Then something inside him snapped. His hands closed around her shoulders.
"No.", She flinched at the intensity of his voice.
"You really believe that?", His voice rose, his gaze burning her skin, "You truly believe I've spent the last four months pretending?", his hold on her shoulder tightened.
"You think every morning I searched for you because I had to?", His eyes were burning.
"You think every meal I waited to eat with you was an act?"
"Every time I checked whether you'd reached somewhere safely was responsibility?", His breathing became uneven.
"Every fight, every stupid argument, every sleepless night, every moment we spent together...", His voice cracked, "...was because I pitied you?"
"Look at me, Safiya.", She couldn't because she knew how her own words pierced her heart. If she looked at him, she'd fall apart.
"Look at me.", His voice broke on the second attempt, "Please.", She finally lifted her eyes.
"Have I not loved you enough?", His voice became painfully quiet, "Have I failed so miserably...", He swallowed, "...that you still cannot feel it?"
Safiya's lips trembled, "I don't know.", She shook her head.
"I wanted to trust you. I swear I did.", Her fingers twisted together.
"But every time I started believing you, my mind took me back to that day.", He knew immediately.
"The wedding.", She nodded.
"The way you looked at me.", Her voice grew smaller, "The disgust in your eyes.", Zaviyar shook his head.
"I was angry," he said finally. "Not because I hated you. I was angry because of the situation we were in.", His eyes dropped. "And because even though you hated me...", He swallowed, "...you still agreed to marry me."
"But you can't deny that you never wanted anything to do with me.", He lowered his eyes.
He couldn't, because he always knew he was wrong. He realised how one harsh sentence coudl prolong in someone's mind. Because every time they had an argument or even sharing quality time, the memories of that one night always haunted her.
She was right.
"I kept asking myself..." Her knees weakened beneath her. "...if you could hate me that much once, what would stop you from doing it again?"
Zaviyar caught her before she fell, dropping to his knees with her and pulling her against his chest.
A sob tore from her throat.
"I didn't know how," she whispered against him. "I didn't know when... but I started falling for you.", His fingers moved gently through her hair.
"I know you changed. I know you did. But I couldn't forget what happened."
"I know.", His voice was barely a whisper.
"I know."
"I can't stay with you because you pity me.", Zaviyar pulled back, holding her face between his hands.
"I don't pity you.", His eyes were filled with regret.
"I started falling for you the day you stood in front of me in the rain. I just hated myself enough to keep denying it.", Safiya stared at him.
"And then I heard you talking to your father on the day of our nikah.", Her expression changed.
"I heard him talk about everything he'd lost. The property. The inheritance. The respect." His jaw tightened. "I thought you were marrying me to get it all back."
"Zaviyar..."
"I thought I was nothing but a bargain to you." His voice cracked. "So I punished you for something you never did. I never even gave you the chance to explain."
Safiya cupped his face.
"You misunderstood me.", His eyes met hers.
"My father wanted justice. He wanted to be accepted by his family again. But I never married you for your property."
"Then the contract?"
"It was never about your wealth.", She swallowed.
"It was between my father and me. I agreed to marry you only if he promised me one thing.", his eyes snapped towards her. Mom
"What?"
"My freedom.", Zaviyar went still.
"If this marriage ever became unbearable, I would be allowed to leave. He couldn't force me to stay. Couldn't threaten me. Couldn't emotionally blackmail me.", Her fingers trembled against his cheek.
"I called it a contract because I was terrified of being trapped.", She looked into his eyes.
"Not because you were one.", Silence fell between them. Months of resentment, and doubts suddenly seemed to collapse between them.
"I hated you for months..." Zaviyar whispered, his face paling, "because of something I never understood."