44. Maggie
FORTY-FOUR
MAGGIE
ONE MONTH LATER . . .
“All three kids are asleep at the same time,” Violet quietly cheered, returning to her spot on the couch. “And if anyone messes that up, I’m going to kick their ass into next year.” She pulled a blanket across her lap, the fringe edges tickling my arm.
I didn’t look up from my phone. I didn’t want my sister to see the tears I was fighting hard not to let fall.
As Ellie softly snored at my side, I scrolled through the Golden Days parade photos for the hundredth time since I landed back in Lansing.
I’d practically memorized them by this point.
I knew which ones included Walter in the front of the float in his Korean War veteran hat.
I could pick out Opal on the sidelines, waving at her dad in two photos.
But the photo that always stopped me was the one zoomed all the way in on Luke driving the tractor.
I’d never seen him in his Legion attire. The navy-blue pants, white button-up shirt, and Legion cap. He cleaned up nicely. I bet he looked irresistible in a tuxedo. If the town posted his future wedding photos on their website, I’d have my answer.
“You’re wearing his shirt again,” Violet said, bumping me with her shoulder.
“It’s comfortable.”
“That’s all?”
“It’s also hiding the ten pounds I put on eating Ollie and Carson’s Halloween candy.
” Both boys went with the Star Wars theme last night—Ollie dressed as Luke Skywalker, and Carson as Darth Vader.
I had to admit, I loved being able to take them trick-or-treating.
But having my mom as my plus-one felt off somehow.
How was it possible to miss someone I hardly knew this much?
Because you love him, dummy.
“On a scale from pit of despair to bouncing around on clouds on a sugar high, where are you at?” Violet asked.
“What’s below the pit of despair?”
“Oh, Noles.” She wrapped her arms around me, pulling me into a hug. I was supposed to be helping her, and yet here she was comforting me.
I’d been going through the motions since I showed up—entertaining the littles, keeping them fed and as clean as anyone could keep two young, mischievous boys.
I’d cleaned, cooked, and done more loads of laundry than I could count.
And yet, I felt out of place. It wasn’t that I’d overstayed my welcome—my sister and brother-in-law would happily invite me to move in permanently—but it wasn’t my place.
I’d truly hoped that Lansing could feel like home. That I was the problem all along, and never gave my hometown a real chance.
But the truth was, Bluebell Springs was the only place I’d ever been that felt like mine. I missed it so fucking much it created a literal ache in my chest.
Ellie missed it, too.
She was always happy to see the boys, of course, but her usual pep was missing. She missed Luke maybe even more than I did. I stroked her fur softly. She opened one eye, licked my hand, and settled back to sleep.
I miss him too, Ellie Belly.
“Have you tried calling the man?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“I already told you. He hasn’t reached out.” I sent Luke the texts he asked for when I first left. The last one was a picture of me holding my baby niece. He sent the simple, boring response of Glad you made it safe.
More than a month had gone by since that last message.
No texts.
No phone calls.
Not a peep.
Maybe he didn’t want me to come back.
At night, when I lay awake, unable to sleep, I replayed that last morning in my head over and over. But no matter how many times I went through it, not once did I remember Luke saying I should come back. He didn’t even kiss me goodbye.
We agreed our time was temporary, and neither of us had control over it ending so abruptly. But all the things he didn’t say spoke volumes. Luke wanted a wife, kids, a family. But he didn’t want it with me.
“Why haven’t you reached out to him?” Violet pressed once I pulled away and reached for the tissue box.
“What’s the point?”
“You’re the oldest,” Violet said, shaking her head. “You’re supposed to be the smarter, wiser one here.”
I blew my nose, waking Ellie.
“You obviously want to go back, Noles.”
Wanting to go back and being wanted back were two very different things.
It wasn’t just Luke who ghosted me, it was everyone else in that town.
I’d hoped for check-in texts. And yet . .
. nothing. I hadn’t even heard from Alyssa.
So much for making genuine female friendships. Maybe I should get another dog.
Ellie looked up at me, as though reading my mind. I probably imagined the glare, but it made me chuckle nonetheless. I stroked her neck again, silently thanking her for being the best thing in my life.
“I’m not moving again for some guy, Vi. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.” I pinched the neck of the shirt, pulling it out. “Literally.”
Violet let out a loud laugh and immediately slapped a hand over her mouth. She looked over the back of the couch, toward the hallway, waiting in silence. After several seconds, her shoulders sagged with relief.
“I really didn’t want to kick my own ass for waking the baby,” she mumbled. Then she looked at me, staring hard. “Luke is not Jason. You get that by now, right?”
“Yes, I know.” Luke was as much Jason’s opposite as any man could be. “But it’s the same pattern. Go on vacation, meet a guy, fall for said guy, decide to uproot my life, and then have it epically backfire.”
“You were on vacation, sure,” Violet agreed. “But Luke wasn’t.”
“What are you saying?”
“You never met Jason’s mother or anyone else in his life until you moved to Washington. You had no idea who he truly was because you’d only met the fun, no-responsibility version of him. But Luke? You met his whole damn family. You told me his grandparents invited you to family dinner.”
I wanted so badly to believe my sister was on to something, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get past Luke not kissing me goodbye. After slow-dancing in the street, practically acting like a couple, and several nights in a row in his bed, why would he not kiss me goodbye?
It was clear to me that what we had meant more to me than it did to him.
“Would you go back if Luke didn’t live there?” Violet asked.
“Yeah,” I said without having to think it through.
“Then go back because you want to.”
I wanted to be that brave. I wanted to go home. But the only place I was going right now was to bed.