Chapter 35
Chapter Thirty-Five
Ella
Anna had to go back to Seattle, but my mom stayed a few more days. Seth was kind enough to give me the time off, and I spent it going through the guest room with my mom and trying to decide on a plan for the nursery.
“I don’t even think this room will fit two cribs, a rocking chair, a dresser, and all the things,” she said.
It was a tiny room, and we hadn’t spoken again about her offer to move here or for me to go to France. I was thinking, and she knew that.
Honey padded over to a box and started pecking at it incessantly as if the mere act would reveal food for her inside.
“Stop that silly.” I scooped her up, and she snuggled her into my arms, purring.
My mom laughed. “That chicken is a cat!”
I smiled. “My favorite cat-chicken.” I stroked Honey’s neck.
“We might have to move the nursery to the master, and you sleep in here. I’m gonna start dinner for us. It’s getting late,” my mom said and left to go downstairs.
I sighed, trying to envision raising twins in this room.
I peered out the door my mom had just walked through and thought of all the sacrifices she’d made for me growing up.
Things had been hard with my father and then better when he’d passed, and though we were no longer subjected to his abuse, things were hard in different ways. Financially hard.
Now, my mom was finally about to live her dream, and I didn’t want to ruin that. She had the big book deal and French citizenship, and all of that would blow up if I asked her to come help me, but I didn’t want to do this without her.
Honey woke up, leaped from my arms, and then began pecking rhythmically at the box again.
“There are no treats in there!” I told her and opened the box to show her. When my gaze fell on the stack of cards, my heart stopped.
I picked up the one on the top and opened it.
It was our second wedding anniversary card from James. He was the most thoughtful and romantic writer, and seeing his handwriting now gutted me.
Ella,
Two years ago today, I stood across from you and vowed to love you with everything I have, and somehow, I love you even more now than I did then.
You have this quiet strength that steadies me. This laugh that disarms every hard day. You pray with a kind of faith I want to grow into. You’re my best friend, my safe place, the answer to so many of my prayers.
I don’t know how I got so lucky, but I promise I won’t take you for granted. Not today. Not ever.
I’ll spend the rest of my life learning how to love you better and thanking God that He saw fit to cross our paths.
If we get 60 more years together, it still won’t feel like enough.
Forever yours,
James
I burst into tears, my grief raw and fresh as it split back open like a wound. But this time, I didn’t blame God. I ran to him.
Lord, I loved him so much. Help me move through this loss, I prayed.
I couldn’t help it. I opened another card because I missed James so much.
Ella,
Happy birthday, my love.
I know you don’t like a fuss, but I can’t let today pass without saying what I always think and sometimes forget to say out loud: You’re my everything.
I love the way you hum in the kitchen when you don’t know I’m listening. The way you talk to the animals at the zoo like they understand full sentences.
I love the way you love me.
God knew I needed you. And today, I just want you to know how grateful I am that you were born.
I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to deserve you.
All my heart,
James
Tears streamed down my face and onto my lap, where Honey pecked at them.
I was afraid now. Afraid that I’d live sixty or seventy more years without ever having a love like I did with James.
Sure, they would be filled with joy from these babies growing inside of me, but…
I knew eventually I’d grow lonely. I already was, but in a way that had me wanting James back, not another man.
Even as I thought that, Seth popped into my mind, and I felt guilty for thinking of him at that moment.
It felt like I’d barely had time to process my husband’s loss when handsome Seth swooped in and blurred everything.
My feelings for him were there, but under a layer of grief, which made it hard to sift through.
I knew that, if I was ever going to move on one day and love again, it would have to be after fully healing from James’s loss.
And I couldn’t do that while living next to and working with the most handsome cowboy in Willow Harbor.
Wiping my eyes, I stood and walked down to the kitchen, where my mom was at the stove, humming. Honey padded after me excitedly, making little noises in my wake.
“Mom. I’ve decided what I’m going to do,” I said.
She spun to me, and I took in a deep breath.
“I want to move to France with you for the first year of the twins’ life and just…heal.” My bottom lip shook.
“Oh, honey.” She ran over and took me into her arms.
“What will I do with the house? And the animals? I’ll have to quit my job and—”
“Shh, God will work it out. If this is His will, it will all work out.”
I was hoping she was right, as most mothers usually were.