Chapter 24
Everly
Driving myself to the grocery store, buying supplies for dinner and making it myself felt freeing.
I feel like my old self for the first time since coming to Blue Lake.
And just like how I made it countless times in my kitchen at home, I whipped it up effortlessly.
As I cooked and listened to my favorite playlist, I found I wasn’t mad anymore.
I wasn’t even sure what I was mad about.
Maybe it was that we were so intimate one minute and the next he was hurrying to take the call off speaker for privacy.
There’s still so much I don’t know about him.
I let my guard down so easily with him, yet I don’t know him at all.
Maybe I was mad we got interrupted again.
If Allie hadn’t called, would we have stopped?
Would I no longer be a virgin at this very moment?
I feel my face flush despite the steamy shower already heating my skin.
The tightening between my legs causes me to lean back against the tiled wall and place both hands flat against my stomach to stop the flutters.
Mentally shaking myself to stop the Julian spiral of my thoughts, I quickly finish my shower and move into my room to throw on some sweats.
I intend to go outside and watch the sun set.
Blue Lake boasts the most spectacular sunsets.
Since the recent time change, we get daylight longer.
Watching it sink settles me in a way nothing else does.
Down in OV, the city hides the sunset behind, well, the city.
I remember loving the sunsets up here even as a kid.
Stepping through the sliding doors of my bedroom, I intend to sit in one of the loungers on the deck. I stop short when I see Julian in the opposite chair near the sliding door off his room. “Oh, sorry, I didn’t know you were out here.”
“No, Ever, it’s fine. Come watch. It’s a good one.”
I hesitate.
He turns, holding his hand out to me. “C’mon. Join me. Please?” He presses when I still don’t move.
I’m unable to resist him, nor do I want to.
I just don’t want to intrude. I take his hand and walk over to take the lounger next to his.
I drop his hand as soon as it feels natural to do so.
I’m not mad anymore, but I’m also resolved to not being so available to him.
I would gladly give myself to him and not think twice about it.
He’s the only guy I’ve ever wanted to do .
. . anything with. I just know though that the aftermath would be unbearable.
Not knowing him as well as I’d like to, trying to decipher his closed-off nature, or if he shut down emotionally as I’ve seen him do on occasion, would haunt me and fill me with stage five clinger level insecurity.
I want to avoid that more than I want his hands on me.
Okay, that’s a lie. But at least just as much.
I push my hands under my legs to still the tug of war and silently watch the sun set the lake on fire and turn the sky five different colors, aware of every rise and fall of his chest with each breath he takes.
So much for settling sunsets. Afterwards, when the darkness takes over, I find myself more keyed up than ever. I’m wondering the best way to escape back into my room.
“Julie.”
“Ever.”
We call each other in unison.
I laugh softly. “You first.”
Which he quickly tosses back at me. “No, you go. Please,” he adds when he sees the protest loading.
“I was just going to say, I’m going to head to my room now, maybe read a little before bed. What were you going to say?”
“I just . . . wanted to thank you again for dinner.”
I don’t trust my voice to keep my disappointment hidden. I nod and turn to go inside.
“Goodnight, Ever,” he says in an almost whisper.
Closing my eyes, I pause my steps and murmur, “Night.”
As I step through the sliding doors into my room, my phone vibrates in my hand. It’s a text from Via.
Via: I miss you, sister. Can you talk?
Me: YES! Call me.
An hour ticks by in a blink catching up with her on the phone—about everything.
I don’t mention Julian except in a vague work capacity.
And she doesn’t bring up Chase and Kendall except in group reference—“the crew.” I want to be pissed she’s still friends with them, but I don’t have the energy for that conversation.
Her next statement wipes all thoughts of them from my mind.
“I think Ryan’s going to propose,” Via gushes breathlessly on her end.
“Way to bury the lead, Via,” I exclaim.
She giggles. “We’d talked about living together after graduation, so Mom suggested we live here.
That it would be doing her a favor since she’s gone so much.
Her latest client will be a semi-permanent one—a music superstar with a world tour coming up.
They want her to be their personal flight attendant.
She sounded so excited about it, Ev. She’d be gone for a year or more though. ”
We talk details for a few more minutes. I tell her Allie is gone, too, at the training retreat, but she already knows that. I guess Allie and my mom talk regularly, and Mom told Via.
“I work with the coolest girl, Lilly, and her boyfriend, Noah. She feels like the first legit friend I’ve ever had.”
“I think I was just insulted.” But she laughs as she says it, so I know she’s not really offended.
I walk her through a day in my new life.
She sounds relieved that I have a friend to laugh with and confide in, but she’s most surprised and impressed to hear how much I like working out, kickboxing especially and working at Fit.
“I thought you were allergic to organized fitness. ‘Running is nature’s gym.’ Isn’t that the Evvie workout slogan?”
“But Fit isn’t a regular gym. It feels more like a retreat and smells like one too.
” Selling it to Via drives home how much I like it here.
In fact, I love it here. I can see myself being happy right here in Blue Lake every day, but the picture in my head includes the mystery man across the bathroom from me that I’m not ready to tell her about.
After we hang up, I sit for a moment, listening for any sound coming from Julian’s room.
I pad softly into the bathroom to brush my teeth.
Before I tap the light switch, I can see a soft glow coming from under the adjoining door.
I don’t bother to lock his side and quickly brush my teeth and retreat to my room.
I pace for a moment, unable to settle. I don’t want to read.
I don’t want to watch TV. The tingle in my lower region tells me exactly what I want, and he’s ten steps away.
Music might be a remedy. Placing my earbuds in and queuing my favorite old-school playlist, I settle into my sheets and stare at the ceiling. The second song on the shuffle: “Feel Like Makin’ Love” by Bad Company. Of course! And yes, I think I do.
I tug the earbuds out of my ears and toss them on the bed. Reaching into the nightstand, I take out my journal. I haven’t written in it for a hot minute. Maybe getting my raging thoughts down on paper will give me some relief.
I decide to do the thing the therapist made us do when my dad died—write the letter we’d never send.
Dear Julian,
You’re never going to read this so here it goes.
I want you! I’ve never wanted anyone the way I want you.
I’ve never wanted anyone—period! That’s not to say I haven’t had attention from boys before, but they were clumsy and dumb and painfully transparent.
They didn’t want me. They wanted someone or the experience.
I could’ve been any girl. That didn’t exactly make me want to rip my clothes off and have all the sex.
Or even kiss. I began to wonder if there was something wrong with me that I didn’t want to be with a guy.
Now I know it was the guy. Because with you, I want .
. . everything. I want you to touch me. I want to touch you.
When I’m with you, it’s like they describe it in the books.
Everything else fades away and all I see is you.
All I think about is you. All I feel is you.
The loneliness, anger, pain . . . It all goes away when I’m with you.
Sometimes, I wish we could stay in this Blue Lake bubble forever and not have to face the world and all the stupid, senseless bullshit that comes with it.
Sometimes, I wonder if I’ve built all of this up in my mind and it’s not as earth-shattering as it seems. You make me feel seen for the first time in my life.
You make me feel beautiful and sexy and like I could deserve a man as beautiful as you.
I know fairy tales don’t exist. My sister has always said I set myself up for disappointment because I expect guys to act like the ones in my books.
Maybe that’s true. I don’t know. I just know that I’ve never wanted to experience all the things I want to experience with you.
No one has ever made me crave being kissed or touched the way you do.
Maybe the gods are rewarding me for enduring all the bullying and lies in my hometown, for being ostracized and forced to leave the only life I’ve ever known.
Maybe I’m being given a gift for being the perfect daughter all these years that never made waves and always did what was expected of her.
I don’t know! Maybe it’s that I never took any of those fumbling guys up on their offers and waited patiently for you.
All I know is I'm yours, all of me. If you want me, and I think you do. I don’t even care if it’s not forever.
Although I’m sure it would break me if it wasn’t, because I’m convinced no one will ever make me feel the way you make me feel.
No one will ever smell the way you smell.
Kiss me the way you kiss me. Touch me the way you touch me.
Make my body come alive the way it does for you.