Chapter 24 #2
It’s physically painful that you’re only a few steps away, across a cold tile floor, probably naked except for the soft cotton pajama bottoms I love that hang low on your hips.
My mouth goes dry at the memory of how soft and smooth the skin of your chest is.
The way it heats my fingertips when I touch you.
The way your biceps ripple when I grip them tight, wanting more of whatever you’re giving me.
Is this what falling feels like? If it is, then here’s the spoiler.
It’s better than the books, Julie. You’re better than all my imaginings of what the guy I’d fall for would be.
You’re perfect and beautiful. And I don’t mind saying it because you’ll never read this anyway.
Good night, sweet Julian. I hope you dream of me as I’ll surely dream of you.
Love, Ever
Closing my journal, placing it back in the nightstand, I find I’m more relaxed now.
I retrieve my earbuds and phone from across the bed where I flung them earlier and place them on my charger.
I’m sleepy now, my mind clearer. Therapy tools really do work.
Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.
After three deep breaths, I settle into my bed and drift off to the lingering but faint scent of Julian on my pillow.
Dreams are bizarre. Especially when you know you’re dreaming while you’re dreaming.
Julian comes to my room just as I wished for right before falling asleep.
I can tell he’s there before I open my eyes because his scent is stronger now.
He smells like a shower and laundry and warm skin.
I reach out hoping to find him there as I open my eyes, but it’s not Julian.
It’s Chase. What’s Chase doing in Blue Lake?
He’s reaching out to me, touching me. I want to scream, but my voice is frozen like my body.
If I just call out, Julian will hear me and come running.
And he’ll throw Chase out effortlessly. Chase used to look so big to me, like the big man on campus everyone saw him as.
But compared to Julian, he looks like a boy.
A sad boy who tries too hard to look important.
Clearly so after the way he let me take the blame for everything he did that night.
I see it all now. He woke me up by touching me.
He shushed me just like he’s shushing me now in my dream.
I try to push his hand off me and sit up.
That’s when I see the hall light and hear Kendall.
He must’ve blamed it all on me. Just like before, I feel the light behind my eyelids.
It’s dim but it’s the wrong direction. It’s not coming from the hallway.
It’s coming from the bathroom. My bathroom.
My bathroom at Allie’s. How did Chase find Allie’s?
I open my eyes and see the shadow approaching me just like that night but from the bathroom.
“No, Kendall, it’s not what you think!”
“Ever, stop, it’s okay.”
Kendall doesn’t call me Ever. It’s Julian. His voice is dragging me up from the depths of the dream. I’m awake now and there’s only me and Julian.
The bed dips where he sits down. His hand rests on my sweaty cheek, his palm cool and dry. He’s shushing me, like in the dream. But this sound calms me. He drops his hand and blows softly on my sweat-slicked neck, pushing the hair sticking to my skin behind my ear.
I look up into his shadowed face, the glow from the bathroom doorway backlighting him. I make out his half smile and it trips my heartbeat before he says, “Hi.”
He lifts his other hand that was leaning across me on the bed and pushes a lock of hair behind my other ear. He cradles my face with both hands, his thumbs tracing soft circles on either side of my lips.
Still disoriented from sleep, I reply hoarsely, “Hi.”
“You were dreaming. Wanna talk about it? A drink of water maybe?”
“Uh, no. I’m okay, thanks. I, uh, guess it’s my turn. Tag you’re it.” I try to laugh but it comes out in a half sob. I fight the tears that want to fall.
He tilts my face toward him and pierces me with his stare. “Ever . . .” he sighs. “Let me help you. Let me be here for you.”
One traitorous tear slides down my face, then another. “I can’t, okay?”
“Why?” He drops his hands from my face and holds them out to his sides in question.
“Because if I let you ‘help’ me, I let you touch me. And when you touch me, I want to touch you. And when we touch each other, I don’t want to stop.” I exhale a shaky breath.
“Okay?” He says it like a question and exhales loudly.
I continue before he can interject. “No. It’s not okay.
I ran away from the only home I’ve ever known because I was labeled a slut and a home-wrecker.
And maybe I am. Because I can’t remember what happened that night.
And even though I’m still the dictionary definition of a virgin, I don’t feel like one when I’m with you .
. . and I can’t be . . . I don’t want to be logical and responsible when you ‘help’ me.
” I use quotes when I say it, staring blindly at my hands while he leans over me.
Another exhale escapes his lips before he responds.
“Then let me be logical and responsible enough for both of us.” He stands up and moves in behind me on my bed, then brings my back up against his chest as he settles his against the tufted linen headboard.
He places his hands over mine, interlocking our fingers, and wraps our arms around my waist with his on top of mine.
He tucks my head under his chin. “I care about you, Ever. When I’m with you, I feel things I thought I’d never feel again.
I want to stay away from you because you deserve better than me.
And I don’t know what happened in Oak Valley, but you’re not a slut.
Or a home-wrecker. I’d bet money on it. You’re perfect.
Probably the most perfect girl I’ve ever met. Undeniably the most beautiful.”
“You’re beautiful,” I barely whisper.
I know he hears me. The lazy circles his fingers were drawing on my hands stop with my words, then he squeezes them in his hands, slowly inching up to rub my arms. “We don’t have to rush this. We can go slow.”
“Between the bad dreams, the interruptions and bully cougars, I think we’ve covered slow. If we want to actually do anything, we may need to go off grid.”
Chuckling, he wraps his arms tighter around me. “Oh, sassy girl. What am I going to do with you?”
“Are you asking for suggestions?”
I’m rewarded with another low laugh and his arms squeezing me, but then my words sink in, and he leans his face down and tilts my chin so we can see each other squarely. “Wait. What bully cougars?”