10. Bristol
Sunlight filters in from the window of the room, waking me up. Did Rebekah let me sleep? I can’t remember the last time her crying didn’t wake me up because she was hungry or needed a diaper change. Then I feel it: the wet patches on my shirt from not nursing last night.
What in the actual fuck have I done? I chastise myself as Seth wraps his arm around my waist and pulls me tightly to his chest. I bite back a groan as pain shoots through my body. This is one of the many drawbacks of spending a single night away from your nursing infant. Leakage.
My mind filters through last night, trying to remember if Seth said or did anything to indicate he knows about our daughter. The taste of breast milk isn’t something the average man would know for sure, but you never know. Of all the ways to discover he is a father, finding me leaking breast milk all over his bed was not my choice.
I need to get out of here, and fast. As gently as possible, I lift Seth’s hand and try to shimmy out from underneath him without waking him up. It takes me a few minutes, but I disentangle myself from his embrace without incident. I send up a silent prayer of thanks as I throw my legs over the side of the bed and begin searching for my clothes.
I quickly find my panties at the edge of the bed and pull them on but decide to forego the bra. Just the thought of putting it on right now brings tears to my eyes. I tiptoe toward his bedroom door in search of my dress as I feel Seth grab my hand.
“Morning, beautiful.” He spins me around and pulls me into his bare chest. “What the hell is that?”
I bite my lip to stifle a groan of pain as he pulls away from me and looks down at my chest. My arms fly up to cover my breast, pretty sure milk is now leaking from my nipples, and I try to search for a reasonable explanation.
“I drool a lot. Sorry.” I pull out of his embrace and scurry straight into the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind me. What have I done… again? I knew going on a date with Seth would lead to disaster, but sleeping with him was even worse.
A soft knock on the door causes me to jump. I open the door a few inches and poke my head out. Seth is standing in front of me in a pair of low-hanging sweatpants and no shirt.
“I grabbed your dress, but I have one of my shirts and some sweats to change into if you’d like.”
I nod before realizing he can’t hear me. “Sweats and a shirt would be great,” I respond as I stick my arm out the door and take the clothes from his hands.
“You can take a shower if you want. There are towels under the sink.”
“Thank you,” I whisper as he kisses my forehead gently.
“Anything for you, love.” He turns on his heels and heads toward the front of the apartment, and I shut the door quietly behind me.
There he goes, throwing that word around again. Love. How can he be so sure how he feels about me? Yeah, we spent months circling around each other before he left on deployment, but that was over a year ago. Can we really go right back to how things were before? We haven’t even spent a whole twenty-four hours together since he came back to Tyson’s Creek. Not to mention he has a daughter that he doesn’t know about. I have a feeling he’s going to look at me differently once I tell him about Rebekah.
I shake those thoughts from my mind as I turn the shower on, allowing the water some time to warm up before turning to place the shirt and sweats from Seth, along with the rest of my clothes, on the counter. I spin around and shove my arm into the shower, feeling the warm water running down my hand before peeling my panties off and climbing in.
I let the warm water hit my engorged breasts and sigh in relief as I feel the creamy liquid drip from my nipples. There’s one crisis averted. It doesn’t take long for the pressure to diminish, and I wash, squirting soap into my hands and lathering myself up.
I take my time in the shower, hoping the repetitive task will stop my mind from wandering, but as usual, I have no such luck. I need to find a way to make sense of my feelings and figure out how to handle telling Seth about Rebekah before it’s too late.
The connection I feel toward Seth is undeniable and so much more than I ever could have imagined, but how will he react when I find the courage to tell him about our daughter? I told him I had secrets that I was afraid to tell him, and that’s an understatement. Couple that with the worry that he wouldn’t understand why I wanted to keep her existence from him, and I have more than enough on my plate. The one thing I know for certain is the longer I wait to tell him about her, the harder it’s going to become.
I know a lot about Seth, but the one thing we never discussed was if either of us wanted children. I don’t regret Rebekah by any means, but maybe Seth will. He lost his parents at an early age and grew up in the foster care system. That must have left a mark on him. He laid his heart out to me last night, letting me know that his plans for the future include me. But a baby is an enormous responsibility, one that I’m not sure he wants or is ready for right now. He just got out of the Marines and is trying to build a life for himself. He doesn’t even have a permanent place to live yet. Adding a baby to the mix will only complicate things for both of us. We aren’t even in a relationship. Although it seems to be headed that way, things will change when he finds out about Rebekah. Will he still feel the same way about me as he does right now? Will he be able to love Rebekah? There are so many unanswered questions that my mind feels as if it’s spinning out of control.
A knock on the door startles me from my thoughts.
“Yes?” I squeak.
“Wanted to make sure you didn’t need anything else. I made coffee.” I can hear the nerves in his voice.
“I’m almost finished,” I say as I rinse off one more time and shut off the water.
“I’ll be in the kitchen.”
“I’ll see you in a minute,” I reply without thinking as I climb out of the shower and grab a towel.
Grabbing the shirt Seth gave me off the counter, I slip it over my head, pulling my hair out of the collar and letting it hang loosely around my shoulders. I then quickly throw on my panties and the sweats before grabbing my dirty shirt off the floor and striding out of the bathroom.
Seth is standing at the kitchen sink, staring out the window and giving me the perfect view of his muscular form. As my eyes scan his body, I catalog every delicious detail, from the large Marine Corps symbol tattooed on his back along his left shoulder blade, to his rippling arm muscles as he clenches the counter in front of him.
I glance at the door, wondering if I can make my escape without him noticing and turn toward the living room to grab my bag. I make it all the way to the couch and thread my arm through the strap when the floor creaks loudly.
“Trying to sneak out, are we?”
My eyes shoot in his direction and find him leaning against the counter, his muscular arms crossed over his chest.
“No. I was checking to see if I had any missed calls.”
“You don’t.”
“What?” I try to stay calm, but in reality, I’m freaking out.
“I shoved everything back into your bag after it fell off the couch last night, your phone included,” he says as he brings a cup of coffee over and sets it on the table.
My phone chimes, and I rummage through my bag before pulling it out. A text from an unknown number appears on my phone. “Let me guess? Your…” My voice trails off as I remember that night before he left for deployment.
I should have just let him leave, cutting him off and forgetting what happened between us, but instead, I slipped a piece of paper with my number on it into his hand. After he left, I waited for him to call. To tell me how much he missed me and couldn’t wait to come home to me, but after about a month of nothing, I gave up hope.
Then I found out I was pregnant with Rebekah shortly after, and everything changed. I didn’t have time to daydream about the man who stole my heart. My only focus was taking care of her. Every time an unknown call came through on my phone, I’d pick it up and pray to hear his gravelly voice on the other line, but it was always someone trying to sell me something or contact me about my car’s extended warranty, and I stopped answering them.
He raises his phone and shakes it from side to side, staring directly into my eyes. “You gave me your number. Hopefully, you answer the phone when I call this time.”
Call?Nope. No way. He can’t call me. I can’t risk the chance of him hearing a crying baby in the background and asking even more questions. No, thank you.
“Text,” I grab my bag off the table and back away toward the door. “I prefer text. No one ever calls me unless it’s an emergency.”
“Got it.” Seth stands and stalks toward me, and I back right into the door.
“Running away again,” he mutters in my ear, sending a shiver down my spine, before wrapping me in his arms and pulling me against his chest.
I step into his embrace, wishing that this moment would never end. Wishing that the two of us could remain here together, without a care in the world. I nuzzle into his chest, breathing in his scent, until my phone rings.
I sigh softly as I reach into my bag and silence it quickly. No doubt it’s Audrey or one of the girls trying to figure out why I haven’t come to pick up Rebekah yet. I’m sure they’re all champing at the bit to find out exactly what happened last night.
“Well, I’m just gonna go…” My sentence trails off as I reach for the door handle, turning it and pulling the door open slightly.
Seth steps forward and rests his hand on the door right above my head, pushing it closed with a click.
“Look, Bristol.” He tucks my hair behind my ears before cupping my cheeks with his hands. “Give me a chance. Let’s chalk the last year up to bad timing. I wish things could’ve been different, or that we met at another point in our lives, but we can’t go back in time.”
“I can’t do this right now,” I whisper, shifting my head to the side and pulling my face from his grasp as tears pool in my eyes. “This is too much.”
I need time to think, to figure out exactly how to explain to this amazing man that I stole the first seven months of his daughter’s life from him. I know he needs to know, but I can’t bring myself to say the words right now.
“Please, Seth. Not now. Please,” I beg.
Seth stares into my eyes, pleading with me to give him an answer and put us both out of our misery, but I can’t. I drop my head to his shoulder. “Let me grab my keys, and I can drive you home.”
“No need,” I say flatly, lifting my head off his shoulder. “I live a few blocks down the street.”
“I won’t keep you, then.” He kisses my forehead and takes a step back, giving me space.
I open the door, but before leaving, I turn back. I want to tell him everything, to admit that I still feel the connection between us and want to see where things go. That I wish all the same things, but I just need more time. Time to figure out how to explain. But I can’t right now. There are only two words that come to mind.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper as I slide out the door, not even bothering to shut it behind me.
With tears streaming down my cheeks, I turn right at the end of the driveway. I don’t dare look back. I know he’s watching me walk away. I can feel his eyes on my back, begging me to come back to him, but I can’t.
I hope he understands I need time to think. To understand how he can be so sure about me, about us. He told me that he came to Tyson’s Creek looking for me, but I just can’t wrap my mind around it. What’s going to happen if things don’t work out between us? What is he going to do then? Pick up and move somewhere else? Or worse, find someone new? On top of all that, he has no idea that the enormous secret I’m keeping from him could change the way he feels about me entirely. Either way, I can’t say a thing about Rebekah until I know how long he plans on staying in town. That he won’t pick up and leave if things don’t work out between us, and I can’t even think about introducing him to Rebekah until then.
I make it back home in no time, heading up the driveway and hopping into the car.
“I need to see my baby girl,” I mumble into my empty car as I pull out and head a few blocks over to Connor’s house.
Although Audrey and Connor hadn’t been together for very long, they were eager to start their life together. Thankfully, Audrey was only renting and could get out of the lease without too much hassle. It also helps that Connor will do anything to make sure he can come home to his girls every night. Last I heard, the owner put the place up for sale instead of searching for new tenants.
I pull into the driveway and take a deep breath. Just as I thought, all the girls are here, almost certainly waiting to get all the dirty details about my date with Seth last night. Trying to put off having this conversation, I recline my seat slightly and close my eyes.
I haven’t even had time to process everything that went on last night. Seth told me he had been in love with me for over a year. That in itself is a lot to handle, but the fact that I think I might feel the same way should make me feel giddy with joy. However, what I’m feeling now is the exact opposite. Seth has retired from the military and uprooted his entire life to move closer to me, removing every obstacle that I listed for why we can’t be together. He’s everything I could ever imagine wanting in a partner and a father for our daughter, but I have no idea how he is going to react when I tell him. Until I do, there’s no way I can let him anywhere near her.
“Hey! Don’t think you can get out of talking to us.”
I bolt up from my seat and spin toward the window. Selina’s face is practically plastered to the glass, a bright smile covering her face.
“What the fuck, girl?” I open the car door, bumping her lightly on the stomach. “You could have given me a heart attack.”
“I know, but I didn’t.” She smiles, wrapping her arm around my shoulder. “Besides, I drew the short straw to come and get you. Audrey and Leia were tired of waiting for you to come inside and spill the beans.”
“I kind of figured that, hence my hiding in the car,” I respond as I rub the top of her belly and head toward the front door.
“No rubbing the belly without permission,” she grumbles as she follows quickly, reaching the door a few moments after I pull it open.
We both push through the door and head right to the kitchen. Everyone but Leia is seated around the large island in the kitchen; a pitcher of mimosas is sitting in the center, and everyone has a full glass. Leia is sitting at the table with Rebekah in the Moby wrap strapped to her chest, fast asleep.
“Look what the cat dragged in,” Selina announces as I slide into the kitchen, heading directly for Rebekah.
“You need to lay her down. I don’t want her to get used to being held while she’s sleeping,” I murmur to Leia before gently kissing the top of my daughter’s head.
“Chill out, Mama Bear. She just fell asleep a few minutes ago.” Leia pushes back from the table. “I was just about to lay her down in the playpen in the family room. Jade and Love are in there watching TV. They can keep an eye on her so we can talk.” She throws a wink over her shoulder before brushing past me and striding toward the family room.
Jade is Connor’s daughter from his marriage to Lydia. Lydia died during childbirth, but I hear from everyone that Jade looks just like her, with long dark hair and sparkling green eyes like her father’s. She’s the sweetest girl you’ll ever meet, but I may be a little biased.
Love is Audrey’s daughter and my favorite niece, but don’t tell Jade I said that. I’ve known Love for most of her life, and she will always hold a special place in my heart. She has wavy black hair, the same color as her mother’s, that she always has in a messy bun on the top of her head. Love was my entire world until I got pregnant with Rebekah, but she’s a close second. Jade and Love are both fifteen and gorgeous. I feel sorry for Connor when those two start dating.
I take a seat at one of the empty stools at the island and reach for the pitcher of mimosas, pouring myself a glass and drinking it down with one gulp. “Did she give you any problems?” I’m going to need to pump and dump after drinking, but I need it.
Audrey smiles. “She was a gem. Nothing I couldn’t handle.”
No one else says a word. They just look at me expectantly, clearly waiting for me to tell them everything about my date. Just as I open my mouth to make more small talk, my phone chimes in my bag. I reach in and pull it out, and Seth’s name is flashing across the screen.
“Are you going to answer that?” Selina asks as she leans over, trying to catch a glimpse over my shoulder. “It must be important if he’s calling less than an hour after you left his place.”
“Seth is calling you?” Leia chimes in as she comes back into the kitchen.
“Yes, but he can wait.”
“That man has been waiting over a year for you already.” Audrey giggles as she fills three glasses with the champagne and orange juice mixture, before grabbing mine and refilling it.
“Exactly. What is another few minutes going to hurt?” I snap before turning the volume off and shoving the phone back into my bag. The last thing I need is them asking a million questions every time my phone rings.
“Now that we have your full attention, are you going to tell us what happened last night?” Leia questions as she takes a seat at the opposite end of the bar.
I look around the room, trying not to make eye contact with any of them. They will know as soon as I look into their eyes how things have changed. “I can’t tell him about Rebekah yet.”
“You can’t hide her forever, Bri.” Leia reaches around Selina and squeezes my shoulder to get my attention.
“I can, and I will,” I snap.
I clench my eyes shut tightly and inhale deeply. I need to get control of the fear and anger by taking a large gulp of my mimosa. I know my friends want what’s best for me, but there are so many unanswered questions. I need to figure out how serious Seth is about all of this before I can even think about introducing him to our daughter. “I’m sorry, but I need to protect her. He said he came back to town for me. That he retired from the military for me so that we could be together. But he might change his mind once he finds out about her.”
“Do you really think that’s the type of man he is?” Audrey questions, as she hands Leia a glass.
“No. Yeah. I don’t know.” I sigh, throwing back the rest of my drink. “I just wish I had a crystal ball to tell me how he will react to the news. I’ve taken time with his daughter away from him. What if he hates us and leaves?”
“I doubt there is anything you can do to make that man hate you.” Leia reaches over and gives my hand a squeeze. “Besides, Seth wouldn’t have had those few months with Rebecca either way.
“Seli is right. He was on the other side of the world, fighting a war, for Christ’s sake.” Audrey chimes in as she takes a seat at the island on the stool beside me.
“We can all see how much he means to you.” Leia smiles softly at me over her glass as she takes a sip.
“The same way we all know how you are secretly in love with Riggs Monroe but refuse to admit it to yourself?”
“We aren’t talking about me, missy.” Leia’s cheeks turn pink as we all have a laugh at her expense.
“I know, but you’re one to talk about having someone who means so much to you right in front of your face.”
“Touché. Let me worry about whatever is between Riggs and me. Right now, we are trying to help you figure out how to tell Seth. Either way, it needs to happen sooner rather than later because someone is going to slip and say something about Rebekah. It’s inevitable.”
“Don’t you think he deserves to know he has a daughter?” Audrey murmurs, asking the one question I’m sure everyone has been wondering since yesterday.
“Of course, he does. He’ll make an amazing father, and now that he’s in town for good, there is no reason to keep them apart,” I say without even thinking.
“Okay, then what is keeping you from telling him?”
Tears immediately well in my eyes and trickle down my face. “I don’t know.” I cover my face with my hands and sob. This secret was mine to keep, and I’ll do anything to protect myself and my little girl from heartbreak. But now that secret is the only thing standing between me and the man I love.
“What does your heart say?” Audrey whispers into my ear as she lays her head on my shoulder. All the girls wrap me in a protective cocoon, giving me the support I need as my world crumbles around me.
“What happens if he doesn’t want us?” I hiccup, attempting to stop the tears from streaming down my cheeks.
I’ve finally voiced my biggest fear. I’ve known in my heart since I laid eyes on Seth over a year ago that he was it for me. That he was the man I could see everything with. There were times when we were together that I could see it all playing out in front of my eyes like a movie, but loving someone with all your heart isn’t always enough. I knew in my soul that if we ever saw each other again, there was no doubt we’d have ended up together. But that nagging voice in the back of my mind would whisper words of doubt to me, sparking the fires of my fear that I tried to keep buried deep in my soul.
When Seth never contacted me after deploying, I believed that was it. That the distance between us had squandered all the feelings of love and devotion he had before deployment, but it seems I was wrong. Knowing Seth changed everything in his life for a chance to be with me makes my heart flutter, reigniting the kindling of the love I was feeling for him before he left. I’m sure if I closed my eyes, those same images of our perfect life together would still be there. But that was before Rebekah was born, before I had this tiny human to protect from the heartbreak and evils in the world. I’d do anything to ensure Rebekah never has to feel the pain of losing Seth, even if that means losing my heart.
I should keep my heart locked away from Seth, protecting Rebekah and me from potential heartache. It would be so much easier to protect both of us if he wasn’t slowly weaving his way into our everyday life. If he was still halfway around the world and thoughts of what it felt like to have his arms wrapped tightly around me or the press of his full lips against my cheek were nothing more than a dream, then I wouldn’t have anything to worry about because the pain of not having him in our lives was minimal.
But after spending last night with him, my heart yearns for all those things and more. It doesn’t help that soon, there will be reminders of Seth and how things could be between us popping up around every corner here in town. It’s the blessing and a curse of living in a small town. He’s slowly beginning to become a major part of my life without even knowing it. I doubt he’s doing it on purpose, but we are all one big family here in Tyson’s Creek. Seth lives within walking distance of my house. He works for two of my best friends’ significant others’ construction company. We are bound to run into each other, no matter how things play out between us, and I don’t know if my heart can take it.
“If he doesn’t want you, then fuck him, but we all know that man is madly in love with you.” Selina flashes me a smile before pushing back from the island and sliding off the chair. “Now that that’s settled, I’m going to sit here and drink my virgin mimosa while you three get day drunk and try to convince me to tell you if I’m having a boy or a girl.”