CHAPTER THIRTEEN
KAYLAH
I have to wonder sometimes what drives me to make the decisions I make.
I thought just one time with Julius would be enough for me.
Yet, it’s been about two hours since we gave into each other in a dark room and now I’m lost again.
I know it doesn’t need to be that deep, and it isn’t, which is exactly why I should probably stop doing it.
We’re not breaking any rules by having sex with each other, a fact I made sure to check in the team guidelines that was sent to us at the beginning of term.
But there’s already so much friction between me and most people on the team, and a lot of that is because they don’t think I deserve to be on it, let alone Captain.
They might just feel like they’ve had their point proven if they find out what Julius and I have been doing, despite the fact it only started after I got my title.
I’m just in a weird space where such few things feel good, that I want to hold on to the ones that do, and him making me come feels good.
I already know know it’s the best sex I’ve ever had, but it’s not exactly like the bar has been set very high when my past experiences have been…fine.
There are women out there who are having orgasms everyday. I used to think about how lucky they are, considering the fact that a lot of men don’t know where the clit is. And if they do know where it is, they don’t exactly put that knowledge to good use.
But with that said, I don’t even know what “good use” would be in reference to me.
I never really gave myself the time to think about what it is I actually love in the bedroom.
I guess I can say I’ve had good enough but I always knew something was missing.
I always knew there was more than good out there for me, and I’m finally starting to realise what that looks and feels like.
It’s been rough out here, and now, thanks to Julius, I finally know what it feels like to be one of those women.
His skills, groans and enthusiasm aren’t things I plan to let go of anytime soon, especially when they’re coming from him, the big, burly man on his knees for me.
Finding a way to get out of my comfort zone and socialise more hasn’t been easy so far, and I still feel the loneliness that sits in me every day.
But although Julius and I are just fucking, it’s nice to actually be around someone, someone who’s very similar to me at that, as much as I hate to admit it.
Overall, I think it’s safe to say I’m a mess. Does really have their shit figured out in their second year of university? All I want is to make it through the year at least.
Situating myself back into the present, I’m ready for the party to die down. It feels like it’s been going on forever, and I’m about a few minutes away from demanding whoever’s controlling the music to turn it off so everyone can get out of here.
Maybe I spoke too soon about not getting out of my comfort zone.
Looking at the groups of people huddled around, the games being played and the drinks being passed around, I think this whole night has been far from what I’m used to, even just in the fact that I spent a lot of my time listening to Reigan talking.
I can barely remember what he said, I mean, the guy definitely has a lot more than to me to say about pretty much anything in life. But as soon as I acknowledged someone from the team was actually being nice to me, I felt compelled to stay. It’s one less person I feel invisible to.
But there’s no going back into my room now, especially when I’m finding reasons to stay out here.
“You’re definitely done for the night, beautiful,” I hear from behind me and turn to find a guy with his arm around a girl who does look to be done. “Let me walk you home, yeah? I don’t want you going out there by yourself, especially when I’m here.”
I don’t take a second to think before I say, “I’ll walk her home.”
“Oh, nah, it’s cool, I’ve got it.” He throws me a confused look.
“I’ll walk her home,” I repeat, but focus my next question on her. “Do you want this guy here to walk you home?”
“I just want my bed.” Her slurred voice doesn’t come as a surprise to me. “Let’s go this way.”
I direct her to the front door, but don’t act quick enough when she tumbles to the ground behind it.
“Fuck!” she says, her long tumbling around her.
With my hand instantly extended towards her, I say, “Here, let me help you up.”
“Thanks, I hate these shoes,” I hear her mumble, probably more to herself as she comes up.
“You good?” I ask.
“Wow, you really are gorgeous,” she responds, her eyes heavily focused on me.
“Um…thanks. Did you come by yourself?”
“No, I was with my friend but then there was this guy she has a crush on and I was encouraging her to talk to him while I was talking to…that guy.” She points in a direction I don’t think even exists.
“But then I didn’t want him anymore, so I’m so glad you saved me from that because you know when the words are just not coming out as quickly as you want them to sometimes?
So I couldn’t even tell him to leave me alone, but I feel like you basically did, so thank you.
I don’t even know where my friend is now but maybe it’s for the best because I don’t want to cock block, you know? ”
She delivers her string of words like she’s getting paid by the second.
I haven’t been around drunk people in a while, so I give myself credit for even understanding her.
But the only response I can muster is, “I guess.”
“Sorry, I could have answered that in a sentence.”
“How drunk are you? I ask.
“Just a little bit,” she says, using her fingers to gesture the small amount. “But maybe it’s a little more than a little.” She pauses. “Wait, why does that sound so funny right now? A little more than a little.”
“It probably has something to do with the fact that you’re drunk.”
“Aww, you’re funny,” she says reaching for my face, and I gently pull her hand away. “Are you drunk?”
“No, I’m not. What’s your name?”
“Jalissa. And you’re um…oh, wait, I’ve got it because I was just talking about you earlier.”
“Why were you talking about me?”
“Well, you’re Captain of the Hockey team and I live with two girls on the team. Tamarah and Sierra.”
“Oh.”
They’ve both made it clear through snide comments and dirty looks that they don’t care for me at all.
“They think you’re a mystery. I kind of think so too,” she says in a lowered voice.
I fight the urge to scoff. “People tend to think that when they don’t know someone.”
“I did see videos of you at Practice, though. I wish I could play Hockey like that.”
“Can you play Hockey at all?”
“Definitely not.”
“Where do you live?”
“Not too far. It’s like a…tweleven minute walk. Fuck, I’m getting my numbers mixed up again.”
“Twelve?”
“Maybe. I think, yeah. Thingy minutes.”
I eventually manage to get her out of the house and walk her to her front door, helping her inside along the way and dodging a wide hug from her as a natural and instinctive reaction.
She doesn’t seem offended by it, she doesn’t even seem to register much about what’s happening until I see her off into her room and leave her with the parting words of, “Get some sleep.”
“Bye!” she shouts, but it comes out muffled as she’s laying face down on her bed. Before I know it, she seems to be out like a light, so I retreat out of the room quietly.
“Oh!” I hear from the person I unexpectedly bump into in the hallway.
I look up to find Tamarah. I only found out she lives here today, and this encounter just has to happen?
“Sorry, I didn’t see you there,” she says, but the lack of apology in her tone pierces through me.
“It’s fine,” I respond, my mind conjuring up talking points because isn’t that what a Captain should do?
Despite being in my thoughts, I quickly spot Tamarah looking around before turning back to me, the confusion evident on her face as she asks, “Um…do you know someone here?”
“I was dropping Jalissa home.”
“That was nice of you.” I take back my earlier thought about her tone because I know better than to make assumptions on something that is subjectiv.
But I do know she’s one of the girls on the team who have made a point of not passing me the puck, even when everyone can see it’s the best option at the moment.
For that reason alone, I say, “Are you surprised about that?”
“Maybe. I didn’t think you thought about others.”
It’s been my goal to try and converse with people on the team, otherwise it’s pointless me being Captain or even a part of the team.
Hockey is one of the only things that keeps me me, so I’m prepared to do things that for others feels like a walk in a park, but for me, feels like I’m losing in a game of tug and war.
“Where would you even get that from?” I ask.
“The way you play on the ice. It’s like you’re in your own world and everyone else doesn’t exist.”
I consider the weight of revealing my feelings, before I retort with, “That’s exactly how I feel with everyone else.”
“You feel like we’re in our own world?”
“Like I don’t exist to you.”
She scrunches up her face and lets out a wry but telling laugh. “You literally came out of nowhere and got awarded with the role of Captain of this stupid new team, despite everyone else from both the Women’s and Men’s team having this past year to establish ourselves. Trust me, we know you exist.”
“I didn’t ask to become Captain.”
Yeah, I’m really not doing well with this whole conversation thing.
“You could have said no. It’s just kind of funny that Coach would choose the two most…self centred people to be co-captain of a team. Apparently that’s gonna get us some wins this year.”
I think I’ve reached the point where I can deduce that her tone matches her words perfectly well. I can tell that anything I say is going to receive a response along the lines of where this conversation has been going so far, and I’m already feeling so awkward I wish I could be anywhere but here.
With that in mind, I say, “This is your house so I should go.”