CHAPTER THIRTEEN #2
I didn’t expect her to have a response anyway, so I’m not surprised when there’s nothing but silence as I head to the door, my mind already swirling with all the different things I could have used as responses in that conversation.
But I can’t just start it back up when I ended it, so I keep walking.
“See you at Practice,” is the last thing I hear before I open the door and quickly shut it behind me.
I decide to take the long way home to gather my thoughts together, and occasionally ruminate some more on how I could have handled that whole interaction differently.
I guess I should be used to this by now.
The same time I got diagnosed with depression, I got diagnosed with anxiety. I feel like I’m learning something new about it every day while simultaneously figuring out how to manage it in a way that works best for me.
So far I’ve been going into conversations where my natural approach is to overthink my every word before I let them out, then overthink that alongside with my conversation partner’s response.
That only seems to be doing more harm than good.
I just wish I knew how to talk to people.
I wasn’t too bad in school, but by the end of it, the whole of my friendship group knew that we were only tolerating each other out of proximity, and I’m sure each one of the four of us would have been more surprised if either of us took steps to stay in contact with each other.
I spend the rest of the night unable to stop myself from going through everything.
The incident at Yanton, the reception I’ve received at Wild, the Hockey season, my co-captain…
There are enough thoughts that I try to get a clearer head by going on a walk, one without any music.
After a while, I welcome my phone going off in my hand as a needed distraction to my thoughts.
Julius doesn’t play out of love, he plays out of guilt. I know how you can use that to get him off the team. He knows you’re his biggest threat and he’s planning on getting there first.
Nothing but confusion spreads through me as I reread the words on my screen over and over again more times that I can count. I’m at the point where I’m trying to dissect the linguistic meaning of each word and that’s the moment I walk straight into my front door.
I stayed sober last night, but the way I keep bumping into things today, I wish I had a hangover.
It just feels like a pointless exercise, otherwise.
My phone chimes again when I get inside, this time from a number that doesn’t just say “Unknown.”
Hey, I got your number from Tamarah. It’s Jalissa, apparently you walked me home last night? (I kind of remember). Anyway, I think I might have left my bag in your house. Is it okay if I come to get it?
I would have wondered how Tamarah could have possibly got my number, but I know it’s probably from the group chat Nathan started with everyone on the Hockey team.
Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to mute it the second the notification came up.
I send a quick response to Jalissa anyway.
Hey, yeah that was me. Come round to get it when you’re ready, I’ll be home all day.
I think she might have left the moment she saw my message back to her, because it’s kind of impressive how she’s the one knocking at the door less than fifteen minutes after.
“That was…very quick,” I say as a form of greeting when I open the door.
“Yeah, I just thought it would be silly to waste time. Thanks for letting me come over.”
“I was hardly going to hold your bag hostage.”
“That wouldn’t have been very nice for the bag.”
“I found a bag wedged into the couch right before you came,” I say, leading her to the front room.
The moment she sees it, she runs towards it and squeezes it against her chest. “Yes, this is it!”
“An emotional reunion.”
She turns to me, the smile on her face making me retreat a little bit. “You’re actually so funny, did you know that?”
“Do you find a lot of things funny?” I ask. I’m sure I’m many things, but funny is not one of them.
“Yeah, but I think you might be one of the funniest.” She studies me, then says, “You’re kind of awkward, aren’t you?”
I raise a brow. “Are you saying this because you remember last night?”
“Oh, I don’t remember anything, or just like a few bits and pieces. It’s just the way you’re acting now.”
“I guess you could say awkward then, yeah.”
“You give me black cat vibes.” A sudden burst of laughter erupts from her and I think it’s best I convince myself she’s still a little bit drunk. “Is this like a nightmare for you?” she says.
“What?”
“Me being such a talker.”
I consider my words. “It’s…a way to be.”
“Yeah. I would be offended but I actually think people like you are hilarious and harmless. Like, my cousin’s man is pretty much the exact same as you.
He’s literally so straight faced all the time, doesn’t crack a smile, always says things with no emotion, and then sometimes I’m just like, “Christian, what’s wrong with you?
” and he’ll be like, “Nothing, every day with Kennedy is the best day of my life.””
The impersonation she’s going for is ridiculous enough I’m sure she notices me cracking a smile as I begin with, “How can every day be the best day of your life?”
“That’s what I said! But yeah, it’s especially funny because Kennedy, my cousin, is like me. She might talk even more than me, actually. And Christian barely talks but that is her man.”
I’m finding it hard to keep up with where this conversation is going, so I say, “I’m happy for them.”
“Yeah, sorry, I went off on a tangent there,” she says with a wince. “But anyway, I wanted to thank you for taking me home last night.”
“That’s all good. How are you feeling today?”
“Kind of fucked, but it’s not that bad, actually.”
“Glad to hear that.”
There’s a moment of silence before she fills it with, “Do you like to eat?”
“Sorry?”
“Do you like to eat?”
Putting my whiplash aside, I respond with a “Yes…?”
“I’m gonna send you options categorised by cuisine, you just need to choose one.”
I pause. “You’ve lost me completely.”
“We’re going out to eat, girl. As a thank you.”
Wait, what?
“Was this…was I present when we decided this?”
She raises a brow. “Would you have said yes if I asked you?”
“Um…”
“Exactly, so I’m not asking.”
“But what if I don’t want to go?”
Yeah, this is the kind of stuff I need to not say.
“Then tell me you don’t want to go.” I think about the opportunity that’s before me, knowing that it would be silly to decline an offer of…
friendship? When that’s one thing I probably desperately need.
My silence seems to speak enough volumes for Jalissa to continue with, “See, nothing. In that case, like I said, I’m gonna send you options so just choose your favourite, then we’re going. Aww, this should be cute!”
“Do you just do that with people?”
“Well, this is uni, and a lot of people are shy. I’m not, so if I feel like I want to be friends with someone, I’m gonna tell you that we’re going out, you’re going to pretend you don’t want to, we’re gonna do it anyway and you’re gonna have a good time because not gonna lie, I’m fun. Then we’ll be good friends.”
She definitely has a personality that’s directly opposite mine. I don’t know how much of it I’ll be able to take and vice versa, but I still say, “I guess you could send me those options.”
“Oh, I was gonna do that anyway. But yeah I’ll text you them at some point today.”
I nod. “Fine.”
She turns towards the direction of the door. “Amazing, thanks again!” She skips to the front door leaving me wondering if maybe, just maybe, this university experience will be different.