CHAPTER TWENTY THREE
KAYLAH
I read the message I just typed out on my phone.
We played a great game the other day and you guys were all so impressive. I would love it if we could meet up for a conversation about any problems we might have.
I wince the more I read it.
It just doesn’t sound natural.
Meet up for a conversation? It’s the line that keeps standing out to me for its ingenuity, but I don’t know what I can replace it with. I do want the message to be clear that I would like to talk with them all.
There’s been more tension in the air than usual after the argument with Tamarah the other day. I already felt unwelcome on the team, and that didn’t do me any favours.
But I was proud of us all for coming together to play a game against Mordon University a few days later.
No one would have been able to guess I was on bad terms with my team members or my co-captain.
And if I’m on bad terms with that many people, it’s hard not to think I’m the problem.
I get it. I came in all mysterious, and to many, took on a role I didn’t deserve.
And I could have won them over by now, but I’m just too stoic and awkward to have accomplished that.
I wonder for a moment whether it will just be easier to quit the team.
It’s not what I want to do, Hockey is my life.
But dealing with depression by remaining in an environment that encourages that depression just isn’t a sensible thing to do.
I’m at the point of my overthinking where I’m uneasy and restless
I’m pretty sure no one’s home, so I get down to the kitchen, with no plan in mind. When I walk in, I find myself staring at the cupboard.
I don’t know how long I do that for, the only thing I do know is that a voice pulls me out of it.
It’s a voice that sounds familiar for some reason, but it doesn’t belong to anyone that I live with.
It’s only when I turn around, that I find myself doing a double take at the woman in my kitchen.
“Sorry, I hope I’m not interrupting you!” Her voice is as cheery as the orange dress she’s wearing.
“Um…no, you aren’t,” I say, looking around and behind her. “Are you a friend of someone’s?”
“We could go with friend, sure.” She looks amused.
“Mum,” I hear a reproaching tone from behind her, and there’s too much suddenly happening at once.
“We’ll go with mum for today,” she says with a smile at the same moment Julius walks in.
The memory of a phone call with a bubbly woman who told her son off through me comes to mind.
“You’re Julius’s mum,” I state the obvious.
A look of recognition crosses her eyes. “Oh, wait. Are you the Kaylah that I spoke to?”
“You remember me?”
“Well, it was only a few months ago. I’m really not that old, dear.”
“Oh, my gosh,” I quickly let out with widened eyes. “I was not…I was not calling you old. No I was, um..”
“She’s joking. She’s joking.” Is he…is he laughing?
This moment is far too confusing for me, with the Mother and the laughter, so I ask, “Are you joking?”
“I am,” she says with a chuckle that sounds just like her son’s. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for you to panic.”
“I just didn’t want to offend someone’s mother.” Fuck, I might have done it again. I continue with, “Not that it would have been fine if it wasn’t someone’s…sorry, I don’t need even need to be here right now, so it’s all yours, guys,” I say backing myself away from the kitchen with speed.
She shakes her head. “Please don’t let me drive you out of your own kitchen.”
“No, it’s fine. I don’t want to be in the way.”
“You’re not in the way. In fact, it would be nice to have company because Julius has a meeting with his Professor that he’s going to right now. I’ll be alone for a bit.”
“Mum, please don’t try and guilt trip her into keeping you company. She has things to do.”
She throws him a stern look. “You’re keeping your Professor waiting.”
“I want to see Kaylah go to her room.”
“Why exactly?” I ask.
With a raised brow, he says, “So I know my mum didn’t succeed in guilt tripping you.”
“Um…it’s fine. I can…keep you company,” I say to her because what else am I supposed to say?
“That’s exactly what I’m talking about.” He gestures in my direction.
“She didn’t guilt trip me. I’m happy to do it.”
The raised brow remains as he says, “Really?”
“I’m not a monster.”
“Go to your appointment,” his mum instructs him.
“Mum, you’re only telling me what to do because Kaylah’s here. You usually respect the fact that I’m a grown man who doesn’t need to be told what to do any other time.”
Is it inappropriate to laugh right now? Because I believe what he’s saying and that is quite hilarious.
His mum responds with, “If that’s what you want her to believe, then sure.”
Shaking his head and raising his palms up in defeat, he says, “I’m gone.”
Our eyes meet for a second before he’s out of the door which is when I start processing the fact that I’m alone with his mum. Because it’s a completely normal thing to be having a catch up with the mum of a fuck buddy…Captain? At least he’s not here to make it even more of a weird situation.
“I just love embarrassing him,” she says instantly.
I knew there was something I liked about her.
“I understand,” I say.
“Well, it’s nice to meet you in the flesh, Kaylah,” Vivian says.
“Yeah, you too. Do you visit Julius often?”
“Not that often, but it’s a special occasion. Julius was planning on coming down to see me for it, but I was feeling like driving, so I decided to come up here instead.”
“Oh.” I pause. “It’s not his birthday, is it?”
I really don’t know much about him.
“No. But it is mine.”
“Oh, wow. Happy Birthday.”
“Thank you very much, dear,” she says with a smile.
“Have you had a good day?”
“Yes, very good. He took me out for some food then we went for a walk.”
“That’s lovely to hear.”
She nods, but her eyes remain focused on me for a long time with no words coming out of her mouth. Until, “I have something to say. It’s going to sound very inappropriate so just tell me off if you need to.”
“Um…”
“You don’t seem like you’re having a good day. Is there something you would like to talk about?”
“What would make you think that?” I say, hoping I don’t sound as rattled as I feel.
“Well…I’m a therapist. I’m not a psychic, but some people look very tense. And you’re one of them.”
“Oh.”
“That’s not an insult, by the way.”
Taking in her words, I start with, “I wouldn’t say I’m having bad day, it’s just a day of me thinking a lot. But you’re obviously not my therapist so I won’t go into the details. It would be rude to do that, anyway.”
“Why would it be rude?”
My response is quick. “Because it’s your birthday and you’re visiting your son.”
“It’s definitely not rude to open up to someone who’s willing to listen.”
“There’s really nothing to open up about,” I say, doubting I sound convincing at all.
“There are also university counsellors I’m sure you could reach out to.” Her tone is soft. Kind.
“I might not be staying here for that much longer to do that.”
“What do you mean?”
“I might drop out,” I admit.
“Is that what you want to do?”
“Not really, but…I’m not fitting in,” I say, expecting to leave it there.
But there’s something about the way she leans forward with a caring look in her eyes that has me continuing with, “Which sounds like a stupid reason to drop out, but in all honesty, Hockey is more important to me than my Sociology course and I love Sociology. I’m fine not speaking much with people on my course, but then I get to Hockey Practice where I usually feel in my element, but instead everyone hates me so I just feel like I’m taking up space where I shouldn’t be. ”
“What makes you feel like they hate you?”
“They don’t want to get to know me, and they’ve made it clear that they’re not happy with me being one of the Captains. I get it because I’m new and maybe I haven’t proven myself, but…”
“I thought Julius said this was a new team?”
“It is.”
“So has anyone really proven themselves?”
I ponder over her question, meaning it when I say, “I don’t know.”
She nods. “Have you ever felt like you’re taking up space before?”
“Maybe.”
“Does that happen often?”
“I guess. But I um…struggle with depression and anxiety so sometimes it’s just me overthinking.”
“Does anyone know this?”
“No, but I don’t want to like…be sympathised with but not respected.”
She nods again. “It just might help them to understand you a bit more.”
I consider it, but one conclusion instantly comes to my mind. “That’s…that’s hard to open up about.”
“I get it.”
“But it could help,” I add. “I’m not as bubbly as a lot of people on the team. I’m just naturally not that way and I don’t think it helps that I say things with a monotone voice and expressionless face.”
“Julius is exactly the same. How’s your relationship with him now? I know you had a rough start.”
It doesn’t sound like there’s an underlying question in her words, which I’m grateful for.
All of this is awkward enough as it is without her knowing about what her son and I get up to.
“Yeah, it’s…better now,” I say simply. “We have to be better unless we look like jokes as Captains.”
She looks satisfied to hear that. “I remember being at university, and it definitely can be hard when you don’t have an outgoing personality.
But the one good thing about your position is that you’ve found something that you love in Hockey and you should never let anyone take your passion away from you.
I understand the overthinking can take over as well, but it’s important you know you’re never taking up space or being in anyone’s way,” she says, and I can’t help but think this is a call back to what I said when I was about to leave the kitchen earlier on.
“The space is there for a reason, and especially as a Black woman, you deserve to be in that space and never let anyone tell you anything different.
“You don’t have to tell anyone anything you’re not comfortable with or do anything that’s too far out of your comfort zone, but university is a great time to learn more about who you are and how you show up in the world.
It’s also a great time to experiment, try different things out, take risks that might be harder to take when you’re an adult in the real world.
” I catch a breath at the sincerity of her voice.
“I think the most important thing is to find what makes you happy and comfortable. It can be hard to adjust to new situations when you’re managing both depression and anxiety, so I would also encourage you to seek out more support if you wish, in whichever form may be best for you,” she says.
“But most importantly, don’t give up. Because you belong here as much as anyone does, and any space you find yourself in is yours for the taking. ”
“Thank you.” I say earnestly. My mind goes back to the antidepressants I need to change and say, “I’m going to consider my options for how to manage this better.”
I’m not against trying out another one, or maybe even doing this therapy thing properly.
“That sounds like a good idea.” She looks genuinely pleased and I feel it.
Taking myself out of my thoughts, I say, “I’m really grateful that you took the time to listen to me.”
“That’s what mums are for.”
I can’t help but let out a bitter laugh, which I regret as soon as I do.
Her eyes are definitely on me, but I look down at the table to not encourage that topic.
“You guys are still in here?” I suddenly hear and look up to see Julius at the door.
I didn’t even hear him come in.
“You’re interrupting, dear,” Vivian says.
“I mean, it’s my house, but…”
“It’s fine,” I say, drawing my chair back as I stand up. “I’m gonna have a nap, anyway.” I head for the door, where I turn back to Vivian. “Hope you have a great rest of your birthday.”
“Thank you, Kaylah.”
Later that evening, I open my door a few seconds after the knock to find Julius there.
“I’m gonna send you a number,” he begins. “Any guesses whose it might be?”
I scrunch my face. “I’m very confused right now.”
“My mum’s.”
“Oh,” I let out, not sure what emotion is creeping up inside of me at hearing that.
“She seems to really like you.”
“I’m flattered by your surprise.”
Studying me, he ends up saying, “I’m not surprised at all.” My breath hitches at those six syllables, at the appreciation in his eyes as he keeps them firmly on me. “You don’t have to text her, by the way.”
“Of course I’m going to text her, how else will she get my number?”
“She might text and call you.”
“Julius, are we just stating the obvious here?”
The warmest smile grows on his face at the sound of his name from my mouth, and my heart leaps.
“So, let me just correct myself. She might text and call you. A lot.”
I nod, finally getting it.
“Does she know what Do Not Disturb is?”