CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR
JULIUS
I’ve been feeling positive about all of our games and this one isn’t any different.
A game against Lumeer University sounds like light work to me so I don’t let myself worry about it.
It’s almost time to head out from the locker room, but something beside me catches my attention.
“This is so weird. I’m still getting texts from this unknown number saying they’re planning on exposing your secret soon.” I turn instantly to find Tamarah talking to Sierra.
Her words instantly make me think of the anonymous messages I’ve been getting.
Before I can think too much about, I listen out for Sierra’s response.
“They’re still messaging you?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s weird. Like I said, I don’t have any secrets. I’ve told you, like, everything about me.”
It seems as if the conversation ends there, but when we get out on the ice, it doesn’t take long for me to realise that Sierra’s quick shut down of the accusation didn’t mean she wasn’t affected by it.
Seeing as she fumbled every pass she received and chance to get the puck into the net, I would say that she was definitely affected by something and I would bet that it’s this secret she denied having.
But then again, she’s been doing this for a while now and I was meaning to speak to her today anyway.
I can’t press her on it straight after the game because we go off to our separate locker rooms.
It’s not long before I’m out of there, though, and that’s when Tamarah comes from somewhere else in the building, a worried expression on her face as she says, “There’s something wrong with Sierra.”
There are a few of the women and the men out of our respective locker rooms at this point, in reception of Tamarah’s words, and I respond with, “What’s wrong with her?”
“I don’t know, she’s…not really making sense but she’s upset about something and saying she lied and she’s a fraud and she’s gonna hurt herself, but I don’t know what she—“
“Where is she?” Kaylah’s voice appears.
“She’s upstairs by the patio.”
Kaylah takes the lead suddenly, heading upstairs to the patio while the rest of us follow behind.
I know that as co-captain it’s important for me to make sure my team member is good, so while Kaylah takes the reins in having the conversation with her I’ll hang back here just in case I’m needed.
“Sierra? Is there something I can do for you?” Kaylah says as she crouches down to join Sierra.
She’s got her back against the wall as she says, “I can’t do it anymore. I can’t lie like this anymore.”
“Okay, you don’t have to,” Kaylah says.
“Someone knows and I don’t know how they know.”
“That’s fine.”
“But that’s not why I want to be honest. And maybe it’s good they know because I need to be honest.”
I’m trying to follow the trail of this conversation but I’m confused already, so I appreciate when Kaylah responds by asking, “What do you need to be honest about?”
Tears fall from Sierra’s face as she says quietly, “It’s a mess. It’s all a mess.”
“You don’t need to tell me anything you don’t want to but I’m worried about you up here.”
“I shouldn’t have done it. And then I should have stopped when I did it for the first time.”
What the hell is she talking about?
“Why didn’t you?” Kaylah asks.
“I don’t know. I don’t know anything. It was just…
once at first.” She’s delivering her words quickly but I try my hardest to keep up.
“And it didn’t seem like a big deal because it’s Uni and everyone does it.
I know with Hockey that makes things a bit different, but still.
Before the season began we always got told about drug tests, so it was easy to make sure I passed them all.
” She lets out a deep breath. “I should have stopped when the season began, especially with the drug tests being random, I know I should have but I didn’t.
I just worked harder to make sure I would pass them whenever they came.
” She pauses. “And when the first one happened and I knew I got away with it, I continued doing it and doing it and doing it, every single day, thinking that I’ll accept the consequences if I get caught…
but I haven’t been. Instead, my performance has been so shit and I’ve cost us so many goals because I’m too high to fucking pay enough attention to what’s happening in each game. ”
Kaylah studies her for a moment. “You mean you’ve been…I don’t want to assume anything here.”
“Weed. Just weed, but still weed. It’s not about what it is.
It’s about the fact that it’s…more than ten times a day and it’s affecting me in a way that’s not good for me.
I’m sorry. I’m so sorry because I’m bringing the team down, I know I am.
But university can be so fucking hard,” she cries.
“And it’s just so nice to feel lighter. But I know it’s no excuse because Hockey is everything to me and I’ve ruined it all now. ”
“You haven’t ruined it all.”
“I have. Everyone’s gonna know now and Coach is gonna kick me off the team and it makes sense. I hate doing things that are stupid and I should deal with it, I should deal with my actions but I can’t.”
“Can you tell me what you mean by you can’t?”
“I just can’t. I feel like…I don’t know. Like I want to punish myself because I deserve it.”
“You don’t deserve to punish yourself.”
“It just feels like everyone has it so together and then there’s me, struggling like this every day.”
“Well, it might look like that but it’s not true at all.
” When Sierra throws her an unconvinced look, Kaylah lets out a dry laugh.
“I’m serious. I mean, I’m the perfect example of that.
I don’t know if anyone would think that I have it together but that couldn’t be further from the truth.
” She makes her telltale sign of nervousness by scratching her forehead.
“I was kicked out of my last university for pushing a Professor because he thought it was appropriate to use the fact that I was failing the module due to my depression and anxiety, to request that I give him sexual favours so he can adjust my grades. He didn’t report it as a push and no one cared enough to listen.
” My heart beats quickly as I replay her words in my mind.
“Not even my Mother, who’s rich enough to shut everyone up about it and then get me to repay what I owe her by having awkward phone conversations with her twice a month in which I feel her disappointment towards me with every word.
” She shakes her head. “I’m here now, with an intense inability to hold a conversation so everyone already thinks I’m rude, but me being Captain is clearly doing me no favours either because no one thinks I deserve to be here.
“I was expelled after the first four months of university and then had the opportunity when I applied here to complete several first year assignments so they could assess whether I’m able to make my way into second year.
I worked hard to be here, this was not a favour from my Mum who wishes I would do anything but Hockey for my life, and it sucks to spend every day feeling so alone and not feeling like I’m even actively a part of my own life most of the time, but it’s at least better than being where I was.
” Sierra watches her, a look of incredulity in her eyes as Kaylah puts her hand over hers.
“The point is that you’re not alone and you’re not failing at life or whatever you’re thinking right now.
Everyone makes mistakes and if there’s one thing I get, it’s the pressures of University and I’m not gonna judge you for whatever you’ve done to make it a little lighter.
What comes first in this is your health and your happiness and I think we should focus on that now, so you can be in a good place like you deserve to be. ”
Sierra opens her mouth to respond at the same moment Coach makes his way over to them.
I don’t even know when he got up here.
“Kaylah. Can I talk to her?” he says.
“Yeah. Sorry, I kind of took over.”
“Don’t be sorry, that was very good.”
Sierra speaks as Kaylah moves to stand. “Kaylah…I’m sorry. I haven’t been nice to you.”
Kaylah smiles at her. “Don’t worry about that. I hope we can catch up soon and you’re doing better.”
The whole team is up here, which I’m not sure Kaylah was aware of judging by the alarmed look on her face when she finally turns around and spots us.
Now that I know she struggles with anxiety, I’m thinking that this isn’t an ideal moment for her, so I try to intercept her to get the other eyes off of her.
“Kaylah…” I begin, not even knowing my destination.
“I need to go…” she says.
“Okay, but um…I heard Tamarah say something about a text she received about Sierra’s secret. It’s definitely relevant because I’ve been getting texts about you getting expelled.” How has there been so much shit going on that texts like this haven’t even been made into a big deal?
“From an unknown number?”
“Yeah. I don’t know how they do it but I think it’s through an app.”
She nods. “Yeah, I’ve had ones about you too.”
My ears perk up. “What about me?”
“They seem to want you off the team. And they think the way to do that is by bringing up your dad.”
This is fucking weird.
“You never said anything,” I probe.
“That would be a very personal topic, no?”
“As opposed to me asking you about you getting expelled that time?”
She looks off into the distance as she says, “Well, now you know. And I’m gonna go.”
I can tell this is too much for her right now, so I step aside as she walks past everyone and heads out.
The rest of the group doesn’t move, and keeps their eyes locked on Coach and Sierra as they talk, but when I think enough time has passed for Kaylah to be far away, I leave the building as well.
When I get home, I make the call I’ve been putting off making since I was sixteen years old.
“Julius?” My Dad’s voice is a warm reminder of the man that was always great to me.
“Dad.”
“Is everything okay?” I feel the awkwardness in his voice which is only fair after four years of no talking.
“Yeah. I know I haven’t talk to you in a while,” I say.
“It’s okay that you haven’t, as long as everything’s going well with you.”
“I’ve been focusing a lot on Hockey.” I regret it as soon as I say it.
His calm tone doesn’t change as he says, “Your Mum and brother told me.” I knew they would but it’s typical of them regardless. “Hockey was always the sport you wanted to do, right?”
“Yes, definitely.”
“So why are you treating it in a way that will make you hate it?” he asks.
I go with the first response I can. “I don’t know.”
“I think you do.”
“I don’t hate it.”
“But if you carry on the way you are you might end up hating it.”
I developed a passion for Hockey from a very young age and while I can’t ever see myself hating it, I can see myself hating the fact that I’ve turned it into something it shouldn’t be.
“But this isn’t just for me,” I argue anyway, my mind going back to that night.
“That’s where you’re wrong.”
“No, I’m not wrong, it’s for you too.”
“Go on.”
I pause. “Because if it wasn’t for me, you would still have your Hockey career.”
“Are you ready to talk about it now?”
Another moment of silence courtesy of me.
“I know you must hate me,” I let out.
“I don’t hate you but I do miss you.”
Words I never expected to hear, and I can’t do anything but be honest with them. “I miss you too, but I didn’t know you would miss me. I thought you would blame me.”
“For what?” My dad asks.
“For the accident.”
“The accident that occurred in which you were not the driver or a person anywhere near the scene?”
“You were coming to pick me up. I was drunk.”
“You wouldn’t be the first teenager to be drunk and you won’t be the last.”
I wouldn’t be, but I remember my teenage days when I took Hockey seriously but I partied even more than I do now. It was fine for me for a while, but the one night I’m too drunk to make my way back home is the one night my dad offered to pick me up and got hit by a car on his way.
“Still doesn’t make it okay. I should have been focusing on Hockey but instead I was partying.”
“So you think you’re making up for it by putting all your energy into Hockey now?”
All my energy and energy I don’t even have.
“You can no longer play Hockey professionally, so yeah I’m doing this for the both of us,” I say, because the consequence of that night still lingers in the air, my dad making it through but his injuries being enough to take him off the ice that he loved.
“I never asked you to do that,” which is the truth.
“Of course you wouldn’t, but it’s only right,” I say.
“You don’t get it,” my dad begins. “Yes, I loved Hockey but I was also interested in Pharmacy and always had it in the back of my mind that I wanted to do that.” I do remember it coming up a few times.
“You know I didn’t go the university route when I was younger, and I just went straight to Hockey.
Yes, it was a big shock when I learned that I had to give up the career but there was also a big part of me that was happy, because deep down I knew Pharmacy was what I really wanted and being able to go to university and study it as an adult hasn’t been this traumatising experience like the one I think you’re imagining.
” I have nothing against people of any age going university, it just felt like I’m the reason he had to start over so late.
“It’s like you think you’re the reason why I’m here when I’m a little older but that’s just down to me choosing another path when I turned a little older,” he says, answering my own worries.
“It’s been a very rewarding experience actually.
And I’m the oldest on the course but everyone loves me. ”
I scoff. “Did they tell you that?”
“They don’t have to, I just know it. But yes actually, they have all told me that,” he says with a laugh.
“So this isn’t just…something you’re settling for?”
“No,” he says and I know he’s telling the truth.
“I did enjoy Hockey, I won’t deny that. But I’m not one to dwell on things when they have to come to an end, especially when it’s not the end of my life itself by any means.
I think for you, Hockey was always the one and I’m happy for you to do the work to be the best but not at the expense of your happiness, or because you think you owe me something. ”
I replay back our whole conversation, one conclusion remaining prominent at the very end. “I shouldn’t have ruined our relationship like I did for all these years.”
“You haven’t ruined it at all,” he says, which instinctively releases a large sigh from me. “But like I said Son, I miss you and I hope this is the start of us talking again.”
“Yeah, definitely,” I say quickly.
“That’s good.” I feel lighter than I have in a long time. “Now your mother and brother said something about you pretending you’re not interested in your housemate but not being convincing enough at it.”
“Wait. What?”