Chapter 23 Claire
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
claire
I do my best to keep my facial expressions in check after that, and before long we’re all seated at the table together.
It’s admittedly been a while since I’ve had dinner with friends like this, and although I felt a bit slighted by Rowan’s evasiveness earlier, I’m not willing to risk ruining everyone’s night by calling him out.
Instead, I resolve to enjoy the company while I can, especially once the conversation shifts to Daisy and Rowan’s huge family.
“And what’s a consecrated sister again?” I ask in reference to their sister, Rosemary.
“One step away from a nun. It’s basically like she’s married to Jesus,” Daisy replies in between bites of food. “Her vows weren’t all that different from the ones a married couple or a priest takes.”
“Oh,” I say thoughtfully. “I never thought of it that way.”
“Most people don’t, but it’s similar to a sacramental marriage, except their version of chastity means abstaining all together,” she explains.
“So how is being a priest like being married?” I continue.
“A priest is married to the Church. He serves as a father to his congregation, which is one of the reasons behind the vow of celibacy. If he had a wife and children, then he’d naturally want to prioritize those responsibilities over his vocation as a priest.”
“Interesting.” I turn to Rowan. “And you’ve never thought about becoming a priest?”
He forces a smile. “Of course. I just never felt like it was the vocation God had in mind for me,” he replies, mirroring what Daisy said earlier.
“What if you never get married? Can you just decide to be a priest then?” I ask, watching his reaction carefully.
He shrugs and lifts his glass, looking slightly uncomfortable. “Sure, but only if I hear that call later in life. It’s not the kind of thing I’d do because I ran out of options.”
“But what about the vows? What if it’s too late for the whole celibacy thing?”
Rowan chokes and begins coughing loudly and slapping himself on the chest.
“You okay?” Daisy asks.
“Yeah, sorry,” he wheezes before taking a drink and adding, “Went down wrong.”
“That’s not what you said last time,” I mutter just low enough for him to hear. He glares at me before he yanks at his collar and coughs again, and I lean back in my chair with a smug smile, quite satisfied with the effect I’m having on him.
Until the very moment all of the pieces fall into place, that is.
I blink down at the table, feeling a flush crawl up my neck and face again as I think back on some of the things Rowan said to me that night.
“I don’t usually talk like this, or act like this … You said it’s just sex, but it’s still going to mean something to me … I’ve never done this before … You’ll never understand what you took from me tonight …”
“Is anyone going to answer my question?” I blurt out.
“Um, what was it again?” Daisy asks cautiously.
“Do you have to be a virgin to take a vow of celibacy and become a priest?” I demand.
“No,” she answers, taken aback by my urgency.
“Just like you don’t have to be a virgin going into marriage, but you should at least be in a state of grace.
” I’m still silent, so she goes on. “A man who had been living an unchaste lifestyle could still enter the priesthood after receiving absolution in the sacrament of reconciliation.”
Rowan stands abruptly and shoves his chair under the table, making it scratch the floor. “Sorry, I think I need some fresh air.”
“I bet you do,” I remark.
He stops in his tracks and turns his eyes back to mine, and I shiver. It’s the same look he gave me before he walked out on me that first night.
“What’s his problem?” Landry asks Daisy, then drops his fork. “Is it his allergies? I hope he’s not coming down with something. What if he contaminated our food?”
Daisy smiles as she puts a hand over his and calmly reassures him that it’s obviously not the food or a stomach bug that upset Rowan.
“Then what is it?” Landry asks, still confused.
“I think he might be uncomfortable with the current topic of discussion,” she ventures. “Or the fact that we’ve started talking about him as if he isn’t still in the room.”
Rowan’s chest heaves as he continues staring back at me. “Nothing’s wrong. I’m fine,” he mumbles and returns to his seat.
Landry’s brows draw in closely as he mulls it over. “You’re not embarrassed because Daisy just outed you as a virgin in front of Claire, are you? You’ve never been too honte to admit that before.”
“Oh, I can name at least one time he failed to disclose that particular bit of information,” I mutter quietly, and Daisy narrows her eyes at me.
“What are you implying?” she asks.
“Maybe you don’t know your brother as well as you think you do,” I retort a little too defensively, and Rowan sniffs beside me.
She rears back. “How can you say that when the two of you barely know one another at all?”
I bite my lip before I answer. “I’ve seen enough to know he’s not perfect.”
And I’ve seen just about every inch of him.
“Hold on, are we seriously fighting about whether or not Rowan’s still a virgin?” Landry interposes, his voice taking on a sharper tone.
“No,” I say quickly. “It’s just …” I glance over at Rowan as I trail off, unsure of how much I should share.
I could be a Petty Betty and tell them exactly why I’m pissed, but then I’d have to admit that I threw myself at Rowan while I was still in my pre-divorced era.
I’d also have to recount one of the lowest points in my life, when Rowan practically ran out of the room after I’d confided so much in him and he apparently couldn’t be bothered to share anything this important with me.
But as much as it stings each time he equates becoming physically intimate with me to committing an unforgivable sin, it likely stems from the fact that I was still legally married the first time it happened. So I can’t exactly hold that against him.
I sigh. “I’m sorry. Forget I said anything at all.”
“Wait a minute,” Landry begins again. “What if Rowan’s upset that we’re talking about this because he hasn’t been celibate? And Claire’s pissed because she didn’t know he was supposed to be waiting until marriage …”
I blink and look away as he continues, not even caring whether Daisy notices my nervous tick this time.
“But the only reason Claire even cares about this is because she and Rowan,” Landry pauses to gesture in both directions, “Were not celibate together.”
Daisy gasps, and my cheeks heat when Landry illustrates his point by intertwining his fingers. I glance over at Rowan again, but his eyes are still trained on the table.
“That’s not exactly it,” I mumble when I realize they’re waiting on me to answer.
Daisy lets out another shocked gasp. “So he did ask you out after our wedding? Have you been sneaking around together?”
“Not … exactly,” I repeat, this time with even less certainty. Then I turn and pinch the back of Rowan’s arm, making him wince. “You’re not going to say anything?”
He frowns and rubs at the spot above his elbow after I knock him out of the spell he’s been under. “It’s not what it looks like,” he directs at Daisy, his voice tinged with guilt.
She turns her glare back to me, and I figure I have to give them something now, even if it means letting them think we hooked up a couple of weeks ago to keep them from sleuthing out the whole story.
“The truth is Rowan has slept over at my house, but we didn’t sleep together,” I explain. “He needed a place to crash after your wedding, so I let him stay in my spare bedroom.”
“So you didn’t hook up?” Landry asks carefully. Rowan gulps audibly but is otherwise silent.
“Nothing happened that night,” I say confidently. “And even if it had, I don’t see why it would be any of your business. We’re both single adults,” I add, lifting my chin in indignation.
“But there were other nights?” Daisy asks. “Nights before you were both single?”
I cringe, regretting my decision to tell her that I was still married the first time Rowan and I met.
“Look, I don’t have anything to hide,” I declare, trying desperately to keep the panic from seeping into my voice.
“Your brother’s the one with a reputation to protect.
So you might want to think twice before you ask another question, at least for his sake.
You may just get an answer you don’t like. ”
“Is it weird that I kind of want to ask even harder now?” Landry whispers, and Daisy nudges him in the side. “Hey, it’s not so funny now that it’s about your brother and not my sister, is it?”
She whines and pouts, and I can’t help but feel slighted by her reaction. She’s practically my only friend, not to mention notorious for seeing the best in everyone, and even she can’t bear the idea of her brother with someone like me.
“All right, then,” Landry says, bringing me back. “Since you said you have nothing to hide, go ahead and tell us. Have you and Rowan ever been … intimate?”
“That depends on your definition of that term,” I reply evenly, though my heart is pounding. Because the truth is that I’ve told Rowan things I’ve never told anyone else, and regardless of our physical involvement, he probably knows me more intimately than my ex-husband ever did.
“You know what I mean,” Landry says with a sardonic smirk.
I clear my throat awkwardly as they continue staring me down. I’m also not sure how these things work, especially for devout Catholics like the LaFleurs. What exactly does and does not constitute sex?
“Claire’s right. It’s none of your business.” Rowan finally speaks up.
Landry looks back and forth between us. “So you have slept together, then.”
“No,” Rowan says firmly.
“Something must have happened, though. You’ve kissed, haven’t you?” Daisy demands, her question surprising me. It also triggers another one of those inconvenient flashbacks, one so steamy that it makes my mouth dry and forces me to lick my lips in lieu of forming an answer.
“Yes,” Rowan admits begrudgingly. “We’ve kissed.”