Chapter 24 Rowan
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
rowan
I groan when I realize the footsteps on the porch are too heavy to be anyone’s but Landry’s.
“You really must have drawn the short stick,” I remark, since I’ve never known him to initiate a conversation if there’s even a chance of someone bringing up their feelings.
“Yeah. Claire’s not your biggest fan at the moment, and I’m afraid Daisy’s lost her hero,” he says plainly, grunting as he makes himself comfortable beside me. “I’m the only one who finds this entertaining.”
“And which vices are you out here to congratulate me on?” I ask mockingly.
“The fun ones?” His eyebrow quirks as he tries to keep his expression serious. “For the record, I don’t mind that you’re human. I might even like you a little better now,” he adds when I don’t respond right away.
“Wish I could say the same for myself,” I mutter.
He sighs. “Come on, Rowan. Don’t do this to yourself forever. Go to confession, work past it, do better next time. If anyone understands how God’s mercy works, it’s you, right?”
“I tried, but I don’t know if I’ve ever been more disappointed in myself,” I say, though I’m secretly impressed by Landry’s maturity.
“So you slipped up, what, once in thirty-three years? And I get it, you feel bad about lying to her, but—”
“No, you don’t get it,” I interrupt him. “This wasn’t an accident. I made the deliberate decision to sin, and I’ve been ignoring my conscience and throwing myself at temptation ever since. Not to mention all the lies of omission,” I say, running a hand through my hair.
“So you and Claire really have been messing around?” he asks, sounding confused.
I open my mouth to say something else before I think better of it. “What exactly did she tell you after I walked out?”
His brow lifts in surprise. “I think I’d rather get your side of the story first.”
“Not much, then.”
“Enough to know she didn’t actually turn you down the first time you asked her out.”
“That bit was actually true. I asked to see her again, practically begged her to give me another shot, but she refused.”
“And?”
I sigh. “And I was so lonely and desperate that I nearly slept with her anyway,” I admit quietly.
He chokes on a laugh. “Nearly?”
“Why are you suddenly so interested in my love life?”
Landry shrugs. “I told you, it’s reassuring.”
“Yeah, well, you’re not supposed to be celebrating my fall from grace,” I grumble.
“I’d be lying if I said I didn’t get some validation from knowing you’re actually capable of something like this.
But if I’m celebrating anything, it’s that you finally found someone who makes you want to take a risk.
I was honestly starting to worry you’d set your expectations too high.
It’s nice to see you giving one of us mere mortals a chance. ”
“I hate to disappoint you again, but Claire and I aren’t dating,” I correct him. “And we really haven’t …”
“Oh, so you did manage to preserve your virtue?” he asks, entirely too amused.
“Yes.” I cringe. “Well, technically … I think.”
“But you did more than kiss her.”
I roll my eyes, but it’s mostly to distract myself from my own thoughts. “More than enough to make a trip to the confessional pretty awkward.”
“How do you confess that kind of thing, anyway?”
“I’m not even sure I used the right terminology, since I never had to before,” I reply, scratching my head.
“Hmm,” he hums thoughtfully. “Bet Daisy could tell you what to say.”
Anger flares behind my eyes, and I instinctively punch him in the shoulder. But Landry only chuckles and rubs his arm. “Maybe I should’ve let your sister take this one after all.”
“The last thing I want to do is look her in the eyes and admit that I’m a hypocrite for lecturing you guys about living together before you were sacramentally married. Meanwhile, I’ve been out here …” It’s probably for the best if I leave things ambiguous.
“Call one of your brothers.”
“They’ll only make it worse,” I say automatically.
Heath and Cyprien are great guys, but Landry knows as well as I do that I’ve always felt like an outsider among my brothers, especially since they were so much closer in age.
They were also lucky enough to get married in their early twenties, so they can’t exactly relate to my challenges with dating.
And I can already imagine the looks of pity on their faces.
“Your dad?”
I almost blurt out something about his disapproval of me pursuing someone outside of our faith, but if anything, my dad would be more likely to chastise me for that thought before saying anything bad about Claire.
“I’m not sure he’d understand this time,” I reply instead.
“As much as it pains me to admit it, Blake and JD would probably be good at talking you through this kind of thing,” Landry continues, surprising me again.
“You know, apart from the confessional, having to clarify exactly what Claire and I have and haven’t done in bed is probably the second-to-last thing I want.”
“All right, then. What do you want?”
I want Claire, and I want it to be okay for me to have her, I think.
“I want to do the right thing. But I’m tired of being lonely.” It’s not the whole truth, but it’s close enough for now.
He purses his lips as he considers. “I guess you still want the same thing you’ve always wanted—a wife.”
“Right, and this situation isn’t helping.”
“Isn’t it?”
I turn to glare at him, not expecting something so deep to come out of this. “I don’t know. I’ve been looking for a wife for the past two decades, and I’ve never been this reckless with anyone else.”
“Because you like her,” he says the words slowly, and my cheeks heat when I consider how naturally my body reacts to hers, how easily I fall under her spell, even when she’s not trying to draw me in.
“I’m probably just confusing lust for something more. A good marriage should be based on love, honesty, and trust. The physical part isn’t all that important … right?”
“You might think that, but you’ve never made love to your soulmate and fallen asleep beside her, secure in knowing you get to keep her for the rest of your life,” he replies with a smirk. “I’d say it’s all pretty important.”
“What the hell did Daisy do to you, man?” I ask incredulously.
His smile widens. “She insisted on loving me when I thought I was unlovable. She made me feel safe for the first time in my life and taught me how to manage my emotions. And then I taught her a few things about feeling good, too.”
I roll my eyes. “I know I’m supposed to be happy for you since you’re so happy. But it’s still a strange combination of surreal and gross to hear you brag about your sex life when it includes my sister, even if you are married.”
“And maybe it even hurts a little because you didn’t think you’d be the last one left unmarried?” he asks hesitantly.
My chest tightens. I hate being jealous, and I hate even more that I’m not only envious of the people I love most, but that I can’t stop myself from feeling so bitter about it all.
“You’re getting pretty observant,” I say after a while. “I’m not sure I like it.”
“I’m just recycling some of my own crap that came up in therapy now,” he admits. “Long story short, loneliness will make you say some petty shit before you even realize you’re thinking it.”
I grunt in response and return to staring at nothing and despising myself. I’m basically pre-Daisy Landry now.
“So?” He cocks an eyebrow expectantly.
“So what?” I grumble, still resentful of the way we’ve seemingly swapped roles in the past few months.
“Are you going to talk this out with Claire and admit how much you like her? Should I challenge her to a duel and force her to marry you, since she’s already compromised your virtue?”
“Are you done?”
He tilts his head from side to side as he considers. “Almost. I was already saving a couple of digs after the way you looked at her earlier this afternoon, but it all makes sense now. You can’t stop thinking about what’s hiding under that Carhartt getup, can you?”
“She’d beat you in a duel, you know,” I growl when he triggers an inconvenient mental image of Claire stepping out of her chest waders and leaving herself in her underwear on this very porch.
“I don’t doubt it,” he says with a light laugh. “Seriously, though, I know you well enough to fill in some of the blanks here. It’s not like you’d just jump into bed with a stranger.”
My eyes widen in panic as he continues. “You and Claire must know one another better than you’re letting on, too, because there’s no way you’d engage in anything physical unless you’d already formed an emotional connection with her.”
I let out a relieved exhale when he gets at least one part wrong, though he’s still better at this than I expected him to be.
“Yeah, okay, I admit there’s more to the story, but it doesn’t matter. You heard her—she’s not looking for anything serious, and I’m not supposed to be wasting this much time and energy barking up the wrong tree.”
“What makes her the wrong tree, though? Is it because she’s afraid of getting into an actual relationship so soon after her divorce, because that doesn’t seem unreasonable, and I’m sure you could wear her down after a while.
Or is it because you don’t want to admit that you’ve fallen for someone outside your normal wheelhouse? ”
“Can’t it be both?”
Landry leans back and regards me carefully.
“That’s what’s eating you up, isn’t it? You feel bad because you wouldn’t have given in to temptation if she’d have been more like you.
You thought this would be a throwaway try, a silly mistake you could forget about, because Claire isn’t the type of woman you’ve been banking on marrying.
She’s already been divorced, and she doesn’t follow your strict code of conduct, so you saw her as damaged goods.
And now you feel guilty because you nearly used her in a way you didn’t even think you were capable. ”
I frown at him after he hits the nail on the head this time. “Who are you?”