Chapter 37
It’ll be okay – Shawn Mendes
Elena
SO MUCH TO DO, SO LITTLE TIME. MY BOOK IS FINISHED AND EVIE IS BUSY WITH the editing so yay for that.
Tony will be over shortly for moral support; I’m going back to the house to pack up the rest of my stuff and I do not want to be alone with Enzo. I’m praying that he isn’t there at all.
I spoke to Mrs. Wilkens and she mentioned that he’ll be out for most of the day and that she shouldn’t worry about dinner, which is why I hired a truck for today specifically.
It's been four weeks, going on five and shit isn’t getting easier but I am moving forward.
I have a job at the bookstore, yes, the same one I did the signing at.
I mostly do their admin and buying and restocking so I’m almost never in the storefront.
I also found a cozy little apartment above the coffee shop so that’s convenient.
Evie convinced me to talk to someone about my experience which, I obviously haven’t come to terms with. For the most part it seems to be helping. After leaving the house, the nightmares came back with vengeance. The first week was exceptionally brutal. Dr. Vance has been amazing though.
I’m loading the dishwasher when I hear the intercom chime. That must be Tony. I press the button on the intercom to buzz him in. It only takes him a minute to reach my door; he strides in like he owns the place.
“By all means, please do barge in. Why bother with manners, not like I could be indecent or anything.”
I tease and he smiles his signature megawatt smile. I’m so grateful for him… and Cece. They both have arranged for me to meet with Angel at least 4 times since I left. My heart bursts every time he races into my arms, my chest heavy knowing he misses me as much as I miss him.
“You could never be indecent Bella. Besides you wouldn’t have buzzed me in if you were in nothing but a towel… unfortunately.” He adds the last bit with a beguiling smirk.
“You ready to go?”
“Nope. But it needs to be done. I don’t want to inconvenience him longer than I need to. Besides, the sooner I get my stuff, the sooner I can move on with my life.”
“He’s miserable without you Elena. I’ve never seen him like this before. Not even after Victoria.”
“I’m sorry Tony, I know he’s your brother but it really has nothing to do with me. It just didn’t work out. He still has his pictures and his closet full of his wife’s stuff. I’m sure he’ll find comfort in them once again.”
I know I sound bitter, and I am. But I can’t feel sorry for Enzo. Not after the pain I had to endure at his hands. Matt inflicted physical pain but Enzo’s words and actions hurt so much more. I don’t think I could ever forgive that.
The gates swing open as we approach and I’m relieved to note that Enzo’s car is not here. A knot twists in my stomach and I feel a pit in my gut. A feeling of emptiness, loneliness… sorrow.
Tony unlocks the house and I make my way straight to the upstairs bedroom I once occupied. I don’t bother looking around the house, I don’t need the reminder of the third person that was in our relationship.
I head to the bathroom to get the few items I left in the vanity but they’re gone. I could have sworn I left my jasmine body wash and my perfume in there. My favorite perfume. My very expensive perfume. Angels and Demons by Givenchy.
Frustrated I make my way to the closet and start hauling my clothes into bags. It takes 5 bags to pack them all, which I do at lightning speed. I need to get the fuck out of here. Tony comes up and offers his help which I gladly accept. He’s gone down to the truck with the first lot of bags.
“For fuck sake, where are they?”
“Need some help?”
I freeze.
I would know that husky Italian voice in the midst of roaring battle.
I turn slowly to face him and goddamn he’s gorgeous.
He’s in his suit, unshaven, his tie is crooked, jacket open and the top two buttons of his shirt are unfastened.
He leans against the doorframe of my bedroom…
my former bedroom and sweeps his eyes up and down my body with his lazy gaze.
“Enzo. No thank you I was just packing up the remainder of my things. I’ll be out of your way shortly.”
I don’t want to be here anymore. Fuck the boots I was looking for, I don’t need them anyway. He or whoever took my damn perfume can keep them. I pick up two bags, one in each hand and make my way out of the bedroom, only to be blocked by 240 pounds of Italian muscle.
“Don’t go.” His words are soft… pleading even.
“Let’s not do this. It’s over, we’re done. I’ve been gone for a while now. Staying is not an option.”
“Elena, please. Talk to me. I have tried to get a hold of you to talk. Just to talk. I promise, nothing else.”
“There’s nothing to talk about Enzo.”
“There is. I never got to apologize for my behavior, the way I reacted, for raising my voice, for my words but most importantly for raising my hand. I’m sorry for being such an enormous asshole that I could make you believe I would ever physically hurt you.
I would never do that, I swear on my father and all that is holy I would never hurt you like that. ”
“No, you wouldn’t, you just find other ways to hurt people. You use words as weapons.”
He winces at that. Good he fucking deserves it. He broke my heart and he broke my mind.
“I know. Fuck I know I messed up… monumentally. Just, please. Give me a chance to make it up to you.”
“Enzo you can’t just make it up to me. I can’t miraculously unhear what you said to me.
I know I’m not her. I know I will never measure up to her; I know I’m not Angel’s mother and more than anything…
I know for certain that I am NOT going to believe the bullshit that comes out of your mouth.
Whatever we had… it’s over and I’m glad of it. ”
“You’re happy?” His voice is a whisper, cracked and broken with sorrow and regret but I can’t give in. I won’t. I need to hold my own and he needs to understand that there is nothing here to salvage.
“Yes, I am happy. I’m happy that I found out how you truly feel before I let this go any further.”
“If you knew how I truly felt Elena, you wouldn’t have left.”
“YOU TOLD ME TO LEAVE!” I’m shouting now. My voice strained and my breathing staggered.
“I didn’t mean out of my life Elena. I wanted you to leave the room, yes, because I was angry.
But not at you. I was angry at myself for not being there when something happened.
I took it out on you. I was a coward. I never should have acted that way, I never should have done any of the fucking shit I did on that day and now I live with the regret and it’s my undoing.
You did nothing wrong. I was wrong, and I’m so fucking sorry.
Baby I’d do anything to make it up to you, to make it go away. ”
“Well, you can’t undo what’s already been done.
I believe you Enzo. I believe you are sorry.
I hear it in your voice and I feel it in my bones.
I believe you, but I don’t trust you not to lose your shit when something goes wrong again…
and it will. That’s life, that’s what relationships are about.
People make mistakes, we have flaws and I need someone who will help me through those mistakes, not someone who puts me down and highlights my failures. ”
“I can learn, Elena. I can do better please don’t leave like this. Come back to me, for god’s sake please stay… I FUCKING LOVE YOU!”
“Don’t you dare! don’t you dare say that.
Not now when everything is gone to shit.
Don’t you dare tell me that you love me when all you’ve done is put me on the back burner.
I will cut your tongue out and flush it down the fucking toilet if you ever use that word on me again.
Your love is conditional and I won’t settle for less than what I deserve. ”
“You’re not settling Elena. You have all of me, I swear. I want you back, and I’ll fight for you. I swear to God, no matter what it takes, I’ll fight for you.”
“I’m not coming back to this mausoleum. I refuse to compete with a fucking ghost.”
“I know, that’s why she’s gone.”
“What?”
“Look around. She’s gone. I should have laid her to rest a long time ago. Before you ever graced me with your presence. But she’s gone now and I want you back.”
He says it in such a soft tone, almost a whisper. Enzo walks to me then, standing in front of me, towering over me. I have to tilt my head back just to look in his eyes, those beautiful green eyes.
He lifts his hand and gently tucks a lock of my hair behind my ear, his thumb grazing along my jaw. He leans down and kisses the top of my head and I let him, because I craved that last touch… knowing I won’t be back here.
“I’ll prove to you how important you are to me Elena. If it’s the last thing I do. That’s a promise.”
I say nothing because what can I say? I merely side step him and make my way to the door.
“Goodbye Enzo.” And then I make my way downstairs to find Tony.
I find him in the kitchen and he’s not alone. To my absolute delight he has Angel with him, propped up on the counter. As soon as he sees me, he calls out my name.
“Hey my little Angel, look how big you’ve grown.” I squeeze him tight and he coughs.
“I’m sorry munchkin, I just missed your cuddles so much. Did you miss me?”
“Uh-huh. This much.” He says spreading his arms wide.
“I missed you more.” I say cradling his head against my chest. Tears flow freely down my cheeks. I always cry when I see him. Tony gives my hand a light squeeze before leaving to give us some time alone.
“He misses you. We all do.” I look up to see Enzo walking into the kitchen.
“I miss him too. The days are so empty and quiet now. Thank you for letting me see him every now and then.” I meant to say it earlier on but things went in a different direction.
I cuddle Angel one last time, our moment together over but I’m happy I got to see him, even if for a short while.
I hand him over to Enzo and kiss him goodbye.
I’m almost out the door when Enzo calls my name. I stop, but I don’t turn around.
“Whatever it takes.” It’s all he says. I don’t respond. I just walk out the kitchen to a waiting Tony.
“Take me home.” Tony immediately walks towards the front door with me trailing behind him.
That’s when I notice it. I hadn’t noticed when we arrived because I refused to look.
They’re gone. All of Victoria’s pictures are gone.
It should be a powerful moment, but it’s too late.
Not only is Victoria finally gone, but now I’m leaving too.
I scan the home one last time, doing a full rotation, noting every nook that once housed a photo, now empty or replaced with something else.
My eyes lock with Enzo’s, we share a brief moment.
One look, one gaze, everything we feel for each other, all the hurt, the heartache, the love and now the loss, all held in that one look, and then I turn and leave.
I’ll be okay.