Chapter 22 #2
I swallow again, trying to force down the lump of emotion that’s risen in my throat. “You know about my ex,” I begin quietly.
“Luke,” he confirms, gazing at me encouragingly as he nods.
“Well, he…” Fuck. I don’t know if I can even say it. I never talk about this. About him. But Chad deserves to know why I’m freaking out right now. I take another deep breath to try to calm my racing heart, even if it’s no use. “There was an accident.”
Chad squeezes my hand. “Oh, John. I’m so sorry.”
I nod, staring at my feet as I mutter, “It was quick. On impact.”
I can barely get the words out with how tight my throat feels, and before I know what’s happening, Chad is wrapping his arms around me and squeezing tightly. “I knew he was gone, but not how. John, I am so sorry that happened.” I nod because honestly that’s the only thing I feel like I can do.
After what seems like an eternity of him holding me, he repeats, “No motorcycles,” into my shoulder before pulling back enough to look at my face. “But can I ask another question?”
I hesitantly nod again, I’m not surprised he wants to know more about Luke. I just don’t know if I’ll be able to get much out.
“Why do you still ride one?”
Oh.
That’s not what I was expecting. I open my mouth to answer, but nothing comes out.
How in the world do I explain to Chad, of all people, the happiest most pure person that I’ve ever met, that I don’t want him anywhere near a motorcycle because I can’t bear the thought of him getting hurt, but that the idea of something bad happening to me isn’t a big deal.
How do I tell him that I stopped caring about my own mortality years ago while he’s staring at me with so much fucking emotion in his eyes?
I can’t. So I just shake my head.
“Oh, John,” he whispers, leaning in to hug me fully again. “I know what we are. So please don’t take this the wrong way. I’m not trying to imply that I think there should be more between us. But I hope you know you’re allowed to be happy. Just in general, you deserve to be happy.”
His reminder that we technically aren’t anything more than fuck buddies while also being so supportive sends me right back to everything I was thinking about earlier while untying him, of all of the reactions and emotions I’ve been trying to ignore.
Of the future I had planned with Luke and how I’ve never been able to picture one with someone else.
But being with Chad, really being with him, it would look nothing like that future I’d planned all those years ago with Luke. Chad is nothing like Luke. Chad is obnoxious and loud; he’s outgoing and spontaneous; he’s endlessly kind and funny.
Chad is so opposite of me in all the very best ways.
And maybe the reason I’ve never wanted to replace Luke in those old plans for my future, the reason I’ve been so convinced that I could never be happy again with someone else, is because I don’t fit into those plans anymore either. I’m not the person I was ten years ago when I was with Luke.
I can never replace him. I know that.
But having Chad’s arms wrapped around me now doesn’t feel wrong. It feels like they were meant to be there in a way that’s forcing me to reexamine what I’ve thought to be true for so long.
Luke was perfect for me ten years ago.
Perfect for a version of me who no longer exists.
Back then, I had never experienced loss. I had no idea what real grief was. I smiled and laughed. I made plans for the future because I felt invincible. I didn’t feel like everything could fall apart at any moment. I didn’t need control. I’d never considered what kinks I might be into.
That version of me was happy. And yeah, Luke was a part of that. And it feels so fucking wrong to even be thinking about really being with someone else, like I’m betraying him and those plans we’d made.
Why should I get to move on and be happy when he didn’t? Why am I still here if he’s gone?
But I don’t think I’ll ever have answers to those questions, because I am still here, and despite my best attempts to remain in the past, life has certainly gone on.
I’m not the same person I was when I fell in love with my best friend when I was only fifteen. Luke probably wouldn’t recognize who I am these days. Would he even like who I’ve become?
Chad sure seems to.
Should I really ignore everything that’s happening with him now out of loyalty for someone who’s been gone for longer than the time we spent together?
I can’t deny that Chad has made me happier in the last couple of weeks than I’ve been in years, even if there have been a lot of other emotions to accompany that.
So what the fuck am I supposed to do? Tell him I changed my mind?
That I want to date him? Do I even deserve that chance after how cold I’ve been?
How dismissive I was of his advances. Do I really think I’m suddenly good enough for someone like him?
Someone so happy and kind, full of so much light and joy.
Chad’s arms might feel like the perfect fit wrapped around me, but they don’t disguise the fact that I’m having some sort of mental breakdown over basically nothing. He sat on a motorcycle that wasn’t even on. And I’m still too fucked up to talk to him properly about why it upset me.
He deserves so much better than this.
So much better than me.
I take a deep breath to try to get my throat to work again. “Come on,” I say, attempting an even tone as I step back. “Where are your keys? We can take your car.”