Chapter 26
JOHN
“What the fuck are you doing here?” I finally demand as I push out of my seat. I know I sound pissed, but I can’t help it.
Chad shouldn’t be here.
“Uh, Blake, maybe we should give them a minute?” Liam suggests as he stands from his chair. “There was a really pretty lake not too far from here that I’d love to show you.”
“Yes! A lake! Perfect,” Blake quickly agrees. Liam grabs my keys before taking Blake’s outstretched hand, and they hurry to my car.
“Chad. What the fuck are you doing here?” I repeat harshly, stuck on that question because I can’t seem to wrap my brain around the fact that Chad is standing here of all places.
“I’m sorry, John. I didn’t realize my being here would make you so upset. I thought maybe you were starting to like spending time with me even when it wasn’t about sex…” He trails off, words tight as if he’s trying not to cry as he stares down at his feet.
Fuck! Everything about this is wrong.
Chad shouldn’t be here when I’m wallowing about Luke’s death. Hell, Liam wasn’t even with me the first few years I did this, but then I let my plans slip, and he asked if he could join me, and it turned into a whole thing.
And I guess it was nice to not actually be alone when I was feeling so empty. And I guess now Chad, and by extension Blake, have done the same thing.
And other than the fact I was so surprised by Chad’s presence, it’s not like I dislike the idea of camping with him. Being around Chad always makes things more interesting at the very least, that’s for sure.
It’s just… the part of me that still feels like I’m betraying Luke whenever I’m with Chad is so much louder right now when I’m meant to be here in honor of him.
The guilt I feel about wanting more with Chad, the voice in my head telling me how shitty it is that I’m trying to replace Luke, it’s all so much harder to ignore while Chad is here, demanding my attention.
I’m supposed to be focusing on the memories I have in this spot with Luke. But I never want to upset Chad. I hate that I’m the reason he looks so close to tears right now.
Fuuuck.
“I’m not upset that you’re here, Princess,” I grunt out, trying to reassure him. I step closer to grab his hand because, even though I’m feeling way too many things right now, I also don’t love the distance between us.
He takes my hand, squeezing it, looking for reassurance.
“And you’re right,” I force myself to admit. “I have…” Fuck, how do I even say this without sounding like a sap? I can’t think of anything so I end up spitting out, “I like being around you, okay?”
He looks up, finally meeting my gaze as a slight smile tilts the corners of his lips, and he squeezes my hand again. “Good. I like being around you too.” But then his expression sobers. “So why are you so upset?”
“Because…” I trail off. I know I owe him an explanation, but how do I possibly explain this to him? “Because you’re you!” I blurt. “You’re always so carefree and fun. You make everyone around you happier without even trying!”
His eyes go wide, even more confused. “And that’s a bad thing?”
“It is when I’m supposed to be mourning my ex!” I nearly shout, and we both flinch. “Fuck, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell. I’m fucking everything up again.” I drop his hand and try to turn away from him, but he grabs my arm before I can.
“John, you’re not fucking anything up. You can talk to me. You’re supposed to be mourning Luke? What does that mean? Why are you really here?”
“Because he couldn’t be,” I blurt again, the answer automatic.
How does Chad always pull the truth out of me even when I don’t want to share things? I bite my lip to stop anything else from coming out, and I inhale deeply through my nose. But I don’t pull away from Chad’s grip. Can I really do this? Can I actually talk to him about Luke?
I glance back at Chad, and he’s giving me the most encouraging, hopeful smile. I don’t deserve it. I just fucking yelled at him when he thought spending the weekend together would make me happy. And the most frustrating thing of all, is that I think it would.
And I think that means I have to try to talk to him.
I owe Chad that much. But more than that, I think for the first time, I might want to talk about Luke with someone.
My filter right now is practically nonexistent with how high my emotions are running after the surprise of Chad showing up in this place with no warning, but I’ve gone this far; I can’t take back what I’ve already said.
Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe I can attempt a new way to honor Luke this weekend instead of drowning all alone in the memories of him and what we had.
I’ve never wanted to talk about him because in a fucked-up way, I felt like sharing him with anyone else would mean I kept less of him. He was mine, and what we had was ours. We didn’t tell people we were together when he was alive, so starting to claim him after he was gone felt like a betrayal.
But, Chad, and all of his endless support and positivity, knowing about Luke and what we shared when he was alive, I guess that doesn’t sound like such a bad thing. Especially if it helps Chad to understand I’m not really upset with him, that he didn’t do anything wrong.
“Can we sit down?” I finally suggest, and Chad quickly agrees, taking my hand again as we sit in the folding chairs next to each other.
I take a deep breath. I can do this. Chad needs me to do this so he isn’t hurt by how I’ve already reacted.
“Luke and I first came here when we were sixteen,” I start.
He squeezes my hand tighter, and I glance up at his encouraging smile for a moment before focusing on our joined hands instead.
“His dad took us. My dad was always really busy with the construction company, the one my brothers run now, and with four boys, my parents didn’t have much time to do special things with us like that, so I was thrilled to be included. ”
“Were you already close with Luke?” Chad asks softly like he’s dying to know everything but is afraid to say the wrong thing and have me shut down.
But I think I want him to know, so I continue.
“His family had only moved in the year before when they inherited their house from Luke’s grandparents.
We clicked right away. He would invite me over to work on his dad’s bike with them, and I thought it was the coolest thing ever.
I knew I was attracted to Luke, but I had no idea if he felt the same way, and I was too afraid to ask. ”
“When did things change?”
I let out a nervous laugh before I answer. “When we came here that first time.”
“Oh,” Chad exhales.
“His dad let us share a tent. I think he just wanted his own, and his dad ended up snoring loudly enough that we knew he wasn’t eavesdropping.
We stayed up late talking, and in the dark, huddled up in the small space, it felt like we were in our own little world where nothing bad could happen.
We admitted we were gay, and that led to our first kiss. ”
“Aww, that’s cute.” Chad is all smiles again, and it settles something in my chest.
It makes it easier to continue, and I snort another awkward laugh at his description. “We’d been close before that weekend, but we were inseparable after that.”
“So did you keep coming back here then?”
“Every year,” I confirm. “And when he died…”
“You kept coming?” Chad guesses, and I nod. “I’m glad you had Liam so you weren’t all alone.”
“Oh, he only started joining me three years ago,” I admit.
Chad’s brows furrow, clearly confused. “Why didn’t he come sooner?”
“He…” I trail off, not sure if I should go into detail about just how little Liam actually knows. “Liam has no idea why I come here.”
“You never told him about the kiss?” Chad guesses.
I sigh, but I know it’s time to admit the truth. “I never told him Luke and I were together.”
“What?” Chad shouts. “He’s your best friend!”
“He had his own shit,” I insist, but I know it’s a bad excuse. “No one knew that Luke or I were gay in high school, Chad. It was nothing against Liam; we just didn’t want to deal with the drama that came with coming out in a small town. We had each other and that was enough.”
“But then, did no one know you were together when he passed?” he asks, sounding horrified. “Like, even your family?”
I shake my head. “They knew we were living together, but we never bothered to correct anyone that we were more than roommates.”
“Holy shit, John. That must’ve made it so much harder to tell people while you were dealing with losing him.”
“Which is why I didn’t,” I admit.
He stares at me, blinks a few times, and swallows. “Does anyone know you were together?”
I nod, and for a moment he looks relieved, until I answer. “You do.”
“John! Holy shit! I knew you were private, but what the fuck? What else haven’t you told anyone?”
I don’t think he actually expects me to answer, but at this point, with the look of shock and horror on his face, I decide putting everything on the table at once is probably for the best so he doesn’t find out later and freak out all over again.
“Well, it isn’t like some huge secret, but I feel like you should know. I live in his house.”
“In Luke’s house?”
I nod. “Well, his parents’ house, but yeah.”
“Holy. Fuck.”