Chapter 27
CHAD
My mind is reeling from everything John just shared with me. He’s been carrying even more than I’d realized for nearly a decade, and doing it completely on his own.
The pain he’s held onto must’ve been insurmountable.
I can’t believe he’s been trying to preserve his first love’s memory without anyone knowing they were together.
Not even his best friend! Up until the Vegas wedding, I’ve always told Blake everything.
It makes so much more sense to me now why John wanted to keep everything a secret. He probably doesn’t know any other way.
And he even bought Luke’s childhood home!
I can’t believe he lives there now, probably surrounded by memories, and he goes on this annual camping trip to the spot where they shared their first kiss and came back to every year they were together.
I knew he struggled with the idea of getting married because it couldn’t be to Luke, but this is so much more than I expected.
There’s so much hurt and grief wrapped up inside him that it makes my heart ache just thinking about it.
But what really gets to me is how alone he’s been in all of it.
For years, he’s been honoring their relationship in silence because Luke was someone the rest of the world never even knew he had.
The weight of that realization settles heavily in my chest as I glance over at John, taking in the tension still written across his face.
He looks exhausted now that everything’s out in the open, almost like speaking those words aloud for the very first time took its toll, but hopefully it’ll relieve some of the weight he’s been trapping inside of him.
His eyes stay fixed somewhere ahead of us instead of on me where I’d like them to be, and I get the sense he’s waiting for my reaction with more apprehension than he’d admit.
“Well, thank you for telling me. And holy fuck,” I finally say because my brain hasn’t quite figured out how to process something this big yet, but I’m so happy he shared it with me.
John lets out a quiet, humorless laugh beside me and rubs a hand over the back of his neck.
“I can’t believe you’ve been dealing with his loss all by yourself,” I add quietly.
John shrugs. “It’s fine.”
I try to imagine what that would actually feel like to carry something this painful while the rest of the world keeps moving forward like nothing happened.
Coming back here every year with memories no one else shares.
Living in a house full of reminders of the person you lost. It’s hard to wrap my mind around the kind of loneliness that must have created.
“You should’ve told someone,” I say before I can stop myself.
John turns toward me, his brows pulling together slightly. “Why? What difference would it have made?”
I hesitate, realizing how defensive that question sounds.
But I refuse to believe it wouldn’t have helped, that it wouldn’t have made a difference.
Maybe not with everyone, but at least with the people who care about him.
Liam would have listened. His brothers probably would have too.
Even if the town they grew up in, the town I call home now, wasn’t exactly the most welcoming place to come out as a teenager, he didn’t have to carry the aftermath of Luke’s death alone.
“It’s not like it would’ve brought him back,” John continues. “After a while it just became… normal, and I guess I didn’t want to risk turning his memory into gossip.”
I blow out a big breath. He wanted to protect what he and Luke had, and as sad as it makes me to think about him dealing with it by himself, I suppose it makes sense in a very grumpy-John-logic kind of way.
If other people didn’t know the extent of their relationship, he never had to hear others’ unwanted opinions or let them pick their relationship apart.
Luke belonged to him, and the memories they shared belonged to him too. I can’t fault him for that.
Still, another thought pops into my mind as I attempt to process everything. “Wait, is that why you’re restoring everything to look nearly the same in the house? Because it’s Luke’s childhood home?”
John shrugs.
This man. This deep, sentimental man.
No wonder he’s been holding onto Luke’s memory so tightly. Anyone capable of loving someone that fiercely would struggle to let the people they love go.
“John, you honor him in so many ways every single day,” I tell him gently. “You don’t have to live in a time capsule of your pain and memories just to prove you cared. He knows you did. I know you did. At some point, you’re allowed to start moving forward.”
He chews his lip and nods solemnly, still holding onto my hand. I’d climb in his lap if I could, but I don’t think these camp chairs can support our combined weight.
“You can make it your own. You should make it your own. You don’t have to keep punishing yourself for being here when he isn’t.”
He swallows and nods once again, grunting out, “Maybe.”
“And you should tell Liam why you come here,” I suggest, feeling bold since he hasn’t shut down my previous suggestions.
He finally turns to give me a very skeptical look. “I… I don’t know if I can.”
“I know it’s hard for you to talk about, but he’s your best friend.
He’s been through his own horrible loss with his mom, so I’m sure he’d understand.
You have people in your life who care about you, John.
Liam and Blake, your brothers, me,” I emphasize myself with what I hope is a convincing smile.
“All we want is to be there for you. Liam has continued to show up for you all these years, and he doesn’t even know why he’s here. ”
He rubs the back of his neck again, looking around the campsite that he and Liam set up. Finally, he sighs. “Yeah, okay, maybe.” I know one conversation with me isn’t going to suddenly fix everything, and it’s a big change for him, so his answer feels significantly better than a no.
“He’ll want to know so he can support you.
I’m sure of it.” I squeeze his hand before trying to steer the conversation back toward more of our usual territory.
That was a lot for him; I can see it written all over his face.
Talking about his past, about Luke, it’s all still raw since he’s bottled it up inside for a decade.
If giving him a break right now means watching him explain how to start a fire or whatever the hell people actually do while camping, I’m more than willing to play along.
“We can talk more about this later,” I suggest. “I want to hear anything and everything you want to share, but for now… if you’re okay with me staying, how about you show me what this camping thing is all about, huh?”
“Well, we’re pretty much already doing it.” He chuckles.
I look around to make sure I’m not missing anything, because surely there has to be more if people voluntarily do this. “John, we’re just sitting here.”
“That’s the point. It’s a break from normal life. We hang out, enjoy nature, play cards, have a fire, cook over it, go fishing. Tomorrow we’ll go on a hike. Read.”
“Oh God, this is the worst,” I groan, unable to hide my reaction even if I wanted to. Although, I’m hoping my normal dramatics will help get John out of his head. “No wonder Blake didn’t want to come.”
John smirks, and it makes me feel so accomplished to get even that slight positive reaction out of him. “Did you ever think there might be a reason I didn’t invite you? Or Liam didn’t invite Blake?”
“Well, no. I assumed you were just being your normal antisocial self. But I did think you and Liam would be bored with your lack of talking and Blake and I would come save the day,” I explain, only sort of joking.
John shakes his head beside me, and the amusement shinning in his green eyes makes me so fucking happy.
“Want to help me get the stuff Blake and I packed out of the car?” I ask, batting my eyelashes.
“I’m almost afraid to see what you packed, Princess.” He chuckles, standing without protest.
“Lots of good stuff I’m sure you’ll be so grateful for! Also, I know I say it a lot, but I really do love when you call me that,” I remind him with a grin. “Oh, you don’t happen to have an air mattress, do you?”
He laughs again, and the sound lights me up from the inside. “Of course I have an air mattress.”
“Wait, you do?” I nearly shout with how excited I am.
“Yeah, I’m well past the years of sleeping on a thin piece of plastic that only has an inch of air in it.”
“Oh thank God. Don’t tell Blake, but he packed one and I gave him shit, then was immediately jealous when I realized how much better that would be than the thin pad Wyatt gave me.”
We walk over to the trunk, and John pulls out one of my suitcases, raising an eyebrow.
“I didn’t know what to pack for so I brought options,” I explain with a shrug as he takes in just how many bags I brought.
“Uh-huh.” John grins. “This is what earned you that nickname in the first place with all the shit you brought to Vegas.”
“Oh, I remember. But I wore so many outfits it was worth it. Besides, I only packed, like, three suitcases for this weekend, so you should be proud. Praise me.” I wink and John just scoffs.
Back to our normal, yay, my plan is working!
John helps me drag the rest of the bags over to the campsite, still shaking his head every time he discovers something new I packed.
“Chad,” he says slowly, pulling a plate out of one of the bags. “Why did you bring actual plates?”
“What did you want me to do? Eat charcuterie off a paper towel like some kind of animal?”
“I mean, yeah. We’re camping. You don’t bring house plates camping.” John is full-on smiling now, and I love that I can make him happy.
“Well, I didn’t know the rules of camping. You guys left Blake and me to fend for ourselves, so we packed what we’d thought we’d need. We actually thought this was the bare minimum.”