Chapter 5 Leah
Leah
Heading to Sugar Pine Scoops feels a little silly now that we’re cradling smoothies.
At least Warden is a bottomless pit. He’s about finished with his by the time we reach the small ice cream shack. That, or he’s decided sucking his drink down is better than breaking the silence that formed between us.
He doesn’t bring up my small panic purchase, but the dread in his eyes when I made the offer is enough to tell me that he already knows why I did what I did. Why I needed an escape.
We’ve known each other for four years now, and over that time we’ve grown close. Closer than someone would call a pair of friends. Anyone could look at us now and assume we’re together because of how perfectly we match up so perfectly.
Sure, the sex is great when we hook up, but that’s not what has me so twisted up about our complicated relationship.
Warden is my best friend. Letting him get that close was my first mistake. Now, I’m always overflowing with worry whenever he puts himself in the line of danger. This latest stunt has really put things in perspective.
I’ve already had to deal with loss before.
My father, a man who was distant to begin with, drowned himself in everything that was Steelwood.
It’s what got him killed. My mother… she was just someone who happened to get knocked up.
As soon as I was born, she was gone. I don’t even know her name. Don’t know her face.
Despite Judge taking me in out of obligation, he’s the closest thing to family that I’ve got.
Still, I didn’t get hit with a wave of crippling panic when he threw himself in the line of fire.
If anything, I wanted him to take a bullet to the stomach so he could feel the same kind of pain his road captain had.
Warden is special, and that’s what scares me the most. I don’t like how much he pulls out of me compared to everyone else. It’s a terrifying discovery when all these feelings I’ve packed down over the years keep trying to resurface.
Being surrounded by death with my job and my past, I’ve grown numb to it all. I haven’t felt anything in years. But Warden… he’s the outlier.
If I let myself want him, will I survive losing him like I’ve lost others? What about my heart? It already beats faster whenever he’s around. If the day comes around when he disappears, will it stop beating altogether, losing reason to keep going?
The thought makes me squirm every time it crosses my mind. As each day passes, I know that something this good, something this safe, will eventually have to come to an end. I’ll have to be the one to pull the trigger when that time comes around.
I don’t want to disappoint him, and I fear the day he asks to be something more. That’ll be the time I’ll have to do it. The more I look at him, the sooner it feels like I’ll need to do it.
I can see it in his eyes, the longing. The simmering love he feels for me. A betraying part of my mind tells me that it’s like looking in the mirror, that I’m a fool for pretending that I’m not just as in love with him too.
I think the only thing stopping him from asking me to be his old lady is the agreement we made at the very beginning. That this would never be anything serious. This would be a way to release the stress that both of our lives have built up.
Feelings aren’t allowed to form, no matter what. Yet, here I am, with a throb in my chest. Instead of a hole, there’s a heart that beats for the man at my side. Right now, it feels like it’s pounding away heavily enough to bring concern.
My fingers curl at my side, missing the warmth from holding his.
“I haven’t been here in forever.” Tossing his cup toward their trashcan, it bounces and nearly misses. “You?”
“Twice this summer, but when they first reopened.” Answering his question with a murmur, we stroll up to the teen working inside the small shack. Just some kid with their phone in their hand as they scroll aimlessly.
With how many empty benches there are, I can’t blame them for being bored.
“Want to get something to share?” Suggesting it with a nonchalant shrug, he nods toward my drink. “To avoid waste, of course.”
Right. That’s a good reason. I won’t want more than a handful of bites, anyway.
Deciding on sharing a banana split, we’re soon settled at a worn picnic table after disturbing the teenager’s peace, the wood warped and pricking against the edge.
Offering me a long plastic spoon, I play with the handle of it while he delves deep into the sweet.
Making sure he has a little bit of everything on his first bite, he doesn’t hesitate to plunge it past his lips.
The groan that leaves him strikes deep. Hardly without prompt, I’m brought back to that kiss we’d shared this morning.
It was the first kiss we’d had since we parted ways on a bad note. I’d missed the contact with him more than I want to admit. I’m not some woman in heat looking to jump anyone, but Warden makes me want him any time he’s near.
It’s a weakness he is well aware of and only sometimes takes advantage of.
Biting my lip, I’m mesmerized by the way his throat bobs. Every flick of his tongue against his lips as me stirring against the bench. Without even putting in the effort, he’s got the pit of my stomach filling with molten heat.
Conflicting feelings aside, my hunger for him is always there. I couldn’t care less about the ice cream. I just want… him.
Completely unaware of what’s going on in my head, he motions for me to take some. To appease him, I do.
The sugar hardly satisfies this emptiness in my chest. “It’s good.”
He smiles and strokes my heartstrings. “Right? Worth the walk?”
Nodding my head, I’m back to watching him devour every bite. It’s amusing, watching him get so happy over something as simple as a dessert. He is not a hard man to please.
Maybe that’s why I’m good enough for him. For whatever reason, instead of finding a woman who doesn’t carry baggage, he did whatever he wanted and fell for me. If I didn’t like him as much as I do, I’d call him a fool for doing something so careless.
Despite the banana split disappearing with every bite, I wish I could extend a moment like this a little longer. Tempted to order another one just to make it happen, I don’t risk missing a second of this by getting up.
Feeling my phone vibrate, I pull it out and immediately grimace at who is messaging me.
“What is it?” Sinking his teeth into the last bite of the banana, he reads me like an open book.
Scrolling through the message, I hesitate to tell the truth. Not telling him would just get us both in trouble. “Judge wants me to bring you back to the clubhouse. Wants proof that you’re still breathing. That I didn’t Old Yeller you to put you out of your misery.”
I should tell him to come over and visit for five minutes, since he’s just a few units away, giving the president the permission he demanded at the beginning. Instead of starting another fight I don’t want to finish, I send a simple thumbs-up emoji to satisfy him.
“I could tell him you need more time if you do.” Hoping he’ll say yes, I know sitting here and eating ice cream is all the proof that we need that things can go back to normal.
Setting down his plastic spoon, he reaches over and squeezes my hand. “You’re off tomorrow, right? We can enjoy ourselves, and I’ll come back home with you. I promise. Everything will be alright.”
Taking in a deep breath, I remind myself that it really isn’t the end of the world. Even if Judge and the others suck him right back into trouble, I’ll still be there for him, ready to heal whatever injuries come his way.
“Yeah.” Nodding my head, I squeeze his fingers back. “Okay.”
* * *
Pulling up to the clubhouse, the sky has grown a mixed hue of oranges and purples. Having waited as long as I could before doing this, we’re not just welcomed home by the family of bikers, but the introduction of stars as well.
The expected chaos occurs. Ripper has to stop himself from throwing an arm around Warden, and Hammer doesn’t think twice about clamping a hand down on his shoulder before pulling him in toward his chest.
Biting my tongue as best as I can, I’m approached by the president. Knowing he’s not the kind of man to accept being turned down, I force my body away from Warden’s side. Judge leads me to the bar, immediately accepting a drink made by Penelope and giving her a hint of a smile in exchange.
Even a blind person would be able to see the shared look of love between them. While I knew things were kind of moving between the two of them the last time I was here, I’m a little surprised that they’re still going.
How has she been able to keep up with his grumpiness?
“If you’re here to ask how he’s doing, you can ask him yourself.” Accepting some juice instead of alcohol, I almost spill some when he nudges me with his elbow.
“I want to ask about you.” Eyeing me over his drink, he sips slowly. “You’ve left us all in the dark and denied us access. Half of me is surprised Warden is breathing. It must’ve taken its toll on you, balancing everything without any help.”
Staring at him, he lifts a thick brow. Digesting his words and realizing that he’s checking in, I shift slightly to the left to put an extra inch between us. “Are you drunk already?”
Penelope stifles a giggle and drifts away, giving us space.
Judge may not be related to me by blood, but we do share one thing in common. We don’t act like ourselves once alcohol is running through our veins.
When his scowl reappears, I realize he’s definitely not drunk. He’s just being more… caring than usual.
I get a lot of things can go down in two weeks, but I guess it’s more than I imagined.
“How’s Meadow Falls?” Dancing around answering his question, I bring up our hometown. The place we were dragged away from all those years ago. Only fifteen years old, everything had gone down rather quickly as the club was forced out. “As bad as we left it?”
“Worse. It’s fixable, though.” Turning his attention to everyone catching up to Warden, he sighs.
“We’re sending a few of ours out for the time being.
You met Trouble; he’ll be going back to keep an eye on things.
Smoke and Ace volunteered, probably itching to get their hands on the casino.
” He taps his fingers against his glass.
“I’m still on the fence about others. I need strong members who can keep the new prospects in line. ”
He’s staring at Warden, his thoughts written all over his face.
All at once, my heart pounds in my chest. The same fear I felt when I found out about Warden’s injury hits me all at once.
Somehow, I keep my expression controlled, but my fingers give me away, trembling enough that I’m forced to set my juice down and cross my arms, tucking my hands against my sides to hide the evidence of my nerves.
My job has me tied to Willowbrook Ridge. I can’t leave to make sure nothing can happen to him. Can’t rush to him in time if he needs me. Even if nothing happens, I won’t be able to sleep at night.
“No.” Forcing the word out, I can’t stop the growl that leaves me. “Not him.”
“Leah.” Trying to sound stern because I’m putting my feelings into the mix, just as I always do, he frowns.
“Samuel.” Frowning back, I meet his heavy gaze at the use of a name he despises. “Do not take him away from me. I’m asking nicely. Please.”
While I don’t hold it against him for killing my father, that’s a card I’m willing to play. Even if it’s dirty, I can’t lose Warden. Or, I’ll threaten to take away my services. Instead of saving people, he can call Grim to dispose of bodies.
God, just the thought of that makes me want to curl up. I hate that it even crossed my mind to begin with. I like these fools too much to refuse aid in saving their lives.
He sniffs and downs the rest of his drink.
“It was just a thought.” Wrinkling his nose, he turns for a refill, hooking his finger to get one of the twins’ attention.
“He deserves the option, though. I’ll say something to him, and he can make up his mind.
He’s his own man, whether you agree with it or not. ”
I want to tell him that Warden is mine, but we both know that isn’t the truth.
“You think he’d be foolish enough to leave you?” He scoffs under his breath and even shakes his head. “Even if you string him along until he’s too old to ride, he’ll stick by your side.”
I really don’t want to hear the same thoughts that have been plaguing me from this guy. Can’t he see I’m already fighting myself enough as it is?
“Love makes a fool out of us. We become reckless.”
Love? “He doesn’t love me. We’re just…” Complicated.
We both know I’m spewing lies here.
“You’re smarter than that, Leah.” Scolding me like I’m the same teenager he took in, he shakes his head. “Just don’t hold him back, alright? I don’t want either of you ending up hurt because of this.”
Knowing he’s right, I nod my head in agreement. Unable to voice it, I swallow hard as it feels like a lump forms in the back of my throat, the size of my fist.
“Okay, Dad. Got it.” Dragging the words out to sound less serious than I know this is, I rotate to face the bar. “Go say hello. He’s asked about you almost every day.”
Even if it means him leaving and asking Warden that dreaded question, right now, it feels like I need some alone time to simmer on all of this.
He nods and pats my shoulder. Another strange movement from him. Penelope must be softening him up.
“I know he’s not the first one of us you patched up, but you did great. Just so you know.”
Swatting him away, I’m relieved when my side remains empty.
This conversation has made me feel uncomfortable. Makes me wish I had just told him how I’m doing instead of him telling me what I already know.
Looking at my juice, the heavy lump in my gut tells me it won’t be enough. I need something more. Something to numb my head for a while, even if it’s reckless.
Signaling down Raven, who is already deep into a conversation with Jinx, she greets me with a half-smile, and once more, I’m feeling like I’m in another world.
Before I can overthink anything about what’s going down, I ask her for something strong. She cocks a brow, asking if I’m sure.
Right now, I think I need it. So, against my better judgment, I request a few of my favorite shots, throw the drinks back, and hope everything will settle down, returning to the way things used to be.