Chapter 20 #2
She nodded, her tongue darting out to wet her lips. “How does this relate to your PTSD?”
He smiled tightly. “Through loving you and seeing the world through your eyes, I learned to despise the destruction of my past. To see death as waste, rather than a paycheck. It’s my belief that my mind is punishing me with these visions I can’t…
” It was difficult to admit his failings, especially to the woman he wanted to be everything for.
“I can’t control them. They take me over, punish me for my bloody past. Sometimes I think it’s the ghosts of my victims come back to haunt me. ”
Her expression shifted to one of compassion. It was she who took his hand in hers. Despite her discomfort over their conversation, his angel was trying to make him feel better.
“You said it yourself, it’s PTSD, right?” she said softly. “Not the ghosts of your past. It’s your mind trying to cope with a lifetime of horrors.”
“Atrocities committed by me,” he said bluntly.
“Yeah, some of them, but your brain can’t differentiate between doing and seeing. All it knows is it has to stay hypervigilant or the horrors you’ve experienced in your past could happen again.”
“Horrors I’ve committed.” He was not going to allow her to minimize his crimes.
She tilted her head, giving him that unnerving stare. “Do you want to get better, or do you want to continue punishing yourself with the nightmares and PTSD episodes?”
He frowned. “I’m not punishing myself. I can’t control it.” It was a difficult thing to say out loud, but it was getting easier.
“These uncontrollable visions are conjured by your brain, which means you can learn to master them, but…” She stopped, biting her lip.
“But what?” he asked, and when she didn’t speak, he said gently, “Saskia, you’re making sense to me.
I’ve never had to think about these things before.
I’ve no experience with psychology. I’m a machine, built for one thing.
You are the student, you know better than me about these things. Tell me what you think.”
A slow smile split her lips. “Most of what I know about PTSD comes from Shaun.”
“Your cousin-in-law.”
“Yes. She was a doctor working in Ukraine when Jozef took her from the hospital she was working at. She’d never personally experienced violence before then.
It was extremely frightening for her. She saw her colleague shot and killed and never knew from one moment to the next if Jozef was going to kill her.
Not until he fell in love with her did she start to feel safe in the Koba household. ”
Radik knew all this of course, his research on the Koba family was quite thorough. “She experienced PTSD?”
“Yes, she did.” Saskia leaned forward in her chair.
“Except she’s not a skilled fighter like you are, so when something happened that frightened her, she would have a panic attack.
She described it as having a vice squeezing her from the inside.
She couldn’t speak or move, would collapse in a crying, shaking heap. She couldn’t control herself.”
Like Radik couldn’t control himself, except instead of collapsing, he fought the images his brain told him were real. “Was she able to stop these episodes?” For the first time in a long time, Radik felt hopeful.
“For the most part. I don’t know if they’ll ever entirely go away, but for her sake I hope they do. She’s done a lot of work to manage them because she knows she needs to be mobile and capable in case anything happens to her again. And with being married to Jozef, it really could.”
She looked wistful and he felt compelled to say, “You’ll see her again. All of them.”
Her gaze sharpened. “I will? You told me I wouldn’t be allowed to see them.”
“I had hoped you might forget them over time, switch allegiance to me, but having spent time with you here, getting to know your mind better than I could in six years of watching you from a distance, I now understand your loyalty to them is unshakable. You will never forget them, never stop wanting to be with them, and I can’t be the person who causes you harm by taking away your family. ”
She looked torn, saying, “I hate that you thought you could decide something like that for me but thank you for changing your mind. I’m glad you understand that I can’t be manipulated that way.” She bit her lip, as if to stop herself from saying more.
He could tell she wanted to demand an immediate meeting with her family, which he was not willing to provide yet, so he forestalled her by asking, “What did your cousin-in-law do to get over her PTSD?”
“Counselling,” Saskia said. “Journalling, meditating, that kind of thing.”
It was so far out of his experience he had to turn each word over in his mind. “Journalling is writing?”
Saskia tried to cover a giggle with a cough.
“Yes. It’s a book with blank pages that you can write in.
You write down your experiences, feelings, things you struggle with on a day-to-day basis.
I think the idea is writing it out makes it less of a monster in your mind.
” They stared at each other for a moment, then Saskia burst out laughing.
“I have trouble picturing you writing in a journal, but I know it works.”
“You have a journal.” He knew she did, he’d read it.
She nodded. “It’s helped me through some pretty dark times. You should try it.”
Radik took her suggestion seriously. “I will consider it.”
Their conversation was abruptly interrupted by an explosion that shook the ground beneath their feet.
Radik grabbed Saskia and shoved her under the table, covering her head while pulling his sidearm.
Shola and two other security personnel rushed in. “Orders, General?” Shola shouted.
A plume of dust hit them, obscuring the area. It came from the direction of the eastern wall.
“Get her to the house. All of you. Shoot anyone who tries to stop you.” Three more security personnel rushed in. “Take her now.”
“What about you?” Saskia crawled out from under the table, coughing as she crouched at his feet, looking up at him with wide, anxious eyes.
“I’ll be safe with Nuani,” he assured her as his second-in-command took position in front of him, his gun held at his side.
Shola covered Saskia like a blanket, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and shoving her head down low.
“Let’s go.” To the surrounding men, she shouted, “Double time to the house. Take out anyone who tries to stop us.” They left in a rush, more of Radik’s security surrounding them as they ran toward the main house where Saskia would be bundled into the safe room.
“What’s going on?” Radik asked Nuani.
Nuani held his finger up, then indicated his earpiece. His posture relaxed and he straightened, holstering his gun.
Radik did the same.
“There was a munitions accident on the range,” Nuani said calmly. “There are a few minor injuries and some damage to the eastern wall.”
Radik ran a hand over his head, his gaze on the street where Saskia had disappeared with Shola. “Prioritize the repairs and beef up security in that area. Close the town gates until further notice. I want a full investigation. Find out what went wrong and make damn sure it doesn’t happen again.”
“General,” Nuani acknowledged, then beckoned to his security staff. “With me.”
Radik strode toward the house, determined to catch up with Saskia so they could continue their conversation.