Chapter 20
Chapter Twenty
This was something Radik didn’t talk about.
Didn’t address. He thought if he ignored it long enough, it would pass, but it had only gotten worse.
His hypervigilance over Saskia was making it worse.
He knew he needed to do something about it, but there were few options available to a man like him.
A man in charge of an empire where strength was essential to maintaining control.
She was looking at him with bright, curious eyes, but there was no censure in her expression. No blame or disgust at having seen him at his weakest. She was beautiful. A brown-haired angel, hair up in a messy bun on top of her head, a few tendrils framing her heart-shaped face.
“PTSD,” he muttered.
She nodded, her expression growing compassionate.
He needed to crush that look. It wasn’t deserved; it wasn’t for him. He was a monster and he needed her to understand.
“I’ve killed people,” he started.
“I know,” she said quickly, waving her hand as if it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter to him, but he knew it did to her, and he wasn’t going to let her pretend otherwise.
He enveloped her hand with his. “There can be only truth between us, Saskia. Even if you hate me after hearing some of it. Not all, as there are secrets that will die with me, but I will tell you some of it so you can understand me better.” He forced himself to hold her gaze.
“Even if you hate me, it’s best if the air between us is cleared of any mysteries. ”
She tilted her head and stared at him with that piercingly curious gaze of hers. “What if I do hate you after? Will you let me go?”
He hadn’t expected the question and had to battle with himself for a moment before answering. “Yes, I will.”
Her lips parted and her eyebrows arched. “Seriously?”
Despite his abhorrence of the topic under discussion, his lips twitched with amusement. “You are an honest person. I believe you will deal with me truthfully.”
“I feel the same,” she said in a low voice.
He felt heartened and flattered by her words. He wasn’t an honest man. He’d lied and cheated plenty of times to get what he wanted, but Saskia was different. He would cut out the tongue of anyone who lied to his angel.
“If you tell me you can’t be with me after learning about me, I will send you back to your family.” He squeezed her hand tighter. “Last night I believed we were under attack. I couldn’t tell reality from fantasy. It’s like… it’s like…” He was at a loss to explain.
She stayed silent, her gaze understanding.
“It’s like the brain I’ve relied on my entire life, that has gotten me out of so many situations, that has built what I’ve built, is now playing tricks on me. It tells me things that aren’t real and I can’t…” Fuck, this was terrible.
“When did these episodes begin?” she asked softly.
He scrubbed a hand over his face, overwhelmed by weariness. “About six years ago.”
She frowned. “After you met me?”
“Not right away, but yes, soon after.” He drifted back into his memories, sorting through them, deciding what to tell her and what to keep to himself.
“I started surveilling you after our first meeting. I told myself it was to keep eyes on every member of the Koba family, a family I vowed vengeance upon.”
She didn’t react, but she knew of his history with her family.
“After months of watching you, something started to happen to me. I could hear your voice in my head, acting as my conscience, guiding me. Before you, I was a mercenary soldier, my job my only mistress. I have never been anything other than a killer, and I am very good at my job.” He forced her to maintain eye contact even as a shudder of distaste rippled through her.
“I have killed dozens, hundreds, perhaps more. I’ve lost count.
Not all were deserving of death, but I never cared.
A contract was a contract. It was what I was trained for and I believed there was nothing else for me in this world. That is, until I met you.”
“Why me?”
“I don’t know,” he said honestly and it was true.
He didn’t know what made her special, wasn’t soft enough to understand the emotions driving him.
“All I know is you changed everything. Made me want to settle down permanently, start a home, perhaps even a family. Things I’ve never thought of before. ”
Her cheeks flushed a beautiful cherry colour.
He admired the glow for a moment before returning to his confession.
“It is a very dangerous thing for a man like me to stop moving, to build a permanent residence. But I knew I had to if I wanted you in my life.” He paused, gathering his thoughts.
“When I began seeing things through your eyes, I started to understand your mind. I knew you wouldn’t be with a man who kills indiscriminately. ”
“Yet you strangled the hotel manager in Pretoria,” she said. “Would you not consider that killing indiscriminate?”
“No, I would call it justified.” His voice hardened. “I had good reason to kill Paul Grossman. Due to his negligence, you would have been killed had I not intervened. His life was forfeit when he put you in danger.”
“So it’s me,” she said slowly. “You’ll kill for me.”
He could tell from her tone that she didn’t like it, but he wasn’t going to lie to her.
“Whoever sent those men after you must know that you are under my protection now and it is my hope that seeing the mangled bodies of the two Russians and the hotel manager will stop anyone else from coming after you.”
“I understand about the men in the hotel basement, it was heat of the moment, kill or be killed, but you could have turned the hotel manager over to the police. He would’ve been punished, but he would have lived.
His family wouldn’t have to mourn him.” She shoved an agitated hand through her hair, accidentally pulling out her hair elastic and sending her curls tumbling.
Mesmerized, he watched her try to smooth the wild halo. “It’s not my way to outsource justice. When something affects me and mine, I deal with it myself.”
“But where do you draw the line? What do you see as worthy of your brand of justice and what aren’t you willing to kill for?”
He’d never had to answer these kinds of questions before and had to give it some thought before responding. “I suppose it depends on the level of harm committed. I’ve had to administer battlefield justice all my life. It’s something I’ve grown used to, so I make my decisions very quickly.”
“Without regrets,” she said.
“Yes,” he agreed. “Without regrets.”
A weariness seemed to creep over her. “I… you sound so much like Jozef… it’s honestly…” She trailed off. “Leeza is better at this than I am. She accepts this kind of life and the unwritten rules that go along with it. She accepts mob justice.”
“And you don’t,” he finished for her.
“I asked. I wanted to know.” Still, her lips trembled.
Bringing her here was always going to be a difficult transition. He knew Saskia hated that her family was embroiled in the mafia. Even if she loved Radik, accepting a life with him wasn’t going to be easy for her.
“You are still my conscience, Saskia. When I act, it is always with you in my mind. I do what I have to do to keep my enemies at bay, but I no longer take contracts. I am no longer an active mercenary, though I will fight if a fight is brought to my doorstep.”
“What is all this then?” Saskia asked, waving her arm.
“The drone center, the walls, the children learning fighting skills, the tunnels under the compound. If you aren’t still active, then why do you need all this?
And don’t tell me it’s security. I’ve lived in a heavily secure environment most of my life.
That’s not what’s happening here. Your people look like they’re preparing for war. ”
“They are,” he admitted. “While I may have quit working directly as a mercenary, I still own the largest soldiers-for-hire operation on this continent. That’s not something I can just give up.”
“Why?” she challenged him.
He examined her, mentally choosing his words. This was a critical moment in their future. Land mines lay on either side of his path. If he strayed even a little in her regard, she could blow him up.
“Strategy,” he admitted. “Defense. Power. Men like me don’t quit the war, we die on the battlefield.
If I were to retire completely, give up my power and walk away, I would be hunted for the rest of my likely short life.
Survival means I will have to remain Warlord of my empire until my dying day.
” Her face darkened as he gave her the bald truth.
“But it’s more than that. Over these past several years, I have learned about my people in a way I’ve never bothered with before.
Those who fight for me, their families, the people they protect with their lives.
They are not a one-dimensional fighting unit.
They’re people with histories, stories, often tragic.
If I walk away from them, I walk away from a responsibility I took on many years ago.
I didn’t realize it then, didn’t care about their stories.
I thought it didn’t matter so long as they fought well.
Now I care that they and their families get to live a good life. ”
Her face was leached of colour and her hand trembled where it rested on the table. “I’m glad you care for your people,” she said, her voice low. “That means something to me, even if I abhor the rest.”
Should he continue? He’d said his piece, as much as he was going to give her anyway. Perhaps he should release her, send her back to her family. He would always watch over her, but he wouldn’t inflict his presence on her.
Before he could make up his mind, she spoke. “I… this is a lot to think about, Muhammed.”
A shudder went through him at her use of his name. No, he could never send her away. He needed to hear those syllables spill from her lips every day for the rest of his life. He needed it like he needed air.
“I’m sorry if I’ve disturbed you,” he said in a low voice, resisting the urge to touch her.