Chapter Nine #4
He was. But there was no way to gain any sort of relaxation with her so near. She had strung him so tight, he could hardly breathe from the arousal.
But then he realized she wasn’t truly trying to sleep. Instead, Carice had her hands gripped together, her body tensed, as if in pain.
“You’re hurting, aren’t you?” He drew back to give her space.
Her mouth tightened at his prediction. “I’ll be all right. It’s just that my stomach is hurting again.” Her breathing was irregular, almost rough. “I thought I was getting better. I suppose I was wrong.”
He didn’t like this at all. Last night, she had seemed well enough, but now, the illness had renewed its attack upon her. “What can I do to help you?”
“Just—leave me alone for a while. It will pass.”
It went against every instinct he had, but he moved out of the dolmen. She might want some water from the cold stream if he broke through the ice. Food would likely make matters worse.
Dieu, he wished he had some knowledge of medicine. But she was holding her knees, doubled over in pain. Seconds later, she bolted from the space and ran into the woods.
“Carice!” he called out, hurrying to follow.
“Stay back,” she pleaded. “I need a moment.”
Raine wasn’t going to listen until he realized that she was going to be sick. There was a reason why she didn’t want him to witness her illness. He let her go, and when she returned a little while later, her face was the color of frost. Her pace was slow, and she moved as if every step pained her.
“What is it?”
She dropped to her knees, her eyes shut tightly. “Sometimes I wish I could just die. I hate this. I really do.”
He lifted her into his arms and led her back toward their shelter. “Do you want to sleep?”
She buried her face in his shoulder, and he could feel the dampness of her tears. Never in his life had he felt so helpless, and he wanted to find a way to ease her.
“I wanted to get better,” she wept. “For a while, when we were traveling together, I thought—” She stopped speaking, as if the right words wouldn’t come. But he knew what she wanted to say. She’d thought things were changing.
It bothered him to see her like this, so upset over a body she couldn’t command.
He knelt down and laid her inside the shelter, sitting beside her.
She leaned back against him, and admitted, “If I had the choice of two final days of life without pain or two years of this suffering, I would take the two days.”
Raine lay beside her, and she rested her cheek against his chest. He brushed away the tears, unable to do anything except hold her.
Though he’d known she was suffering, he’d never seen her this sick.
It suddenly made him aware that he was bringing her toward a greater danger.
He’d reasoned that there would be no harm for she was never going to wed the Ard-Righ.
Now he realized that she might not survive the journey across Ireland.
She believed he was bringing her to spend her final days with her mother’s family.
Her eyes remained closed, her mouth tight with pain. “Only a few weeks ago, I thought of taking a potion to end my life. I suppose that makes me damned in the eyes of Heaven, doesn’t it?”
He tightened his arms around her. “Don’t ever do such a thing, Carice.”
Her face held weariness. “If I had been brought to the High King, I would have done anything to escape him.”
The guilt threaded through him even tighter, binding him toward self-loathing. “You will never wed him. I promise you that.” At least this was one vow he could keep. “Would you like me to bring you water?”
“No.” Her voice came out in a whisper, and she leaned her head against the earth. “Just lie with me a little while. And maybe I won’t feel so alone.”
Raine pulled her into his arms, stroking back her hair. It had been too easy to forget her illness over the past few days. He despised himself for endangering her in this way.
“Promise me something,” she ventured softly.
“What is it?”
“If I ask it of you, will you leave me behind?”
He started to refuse, but she rolled over to face him.
“Raine, I don’t want you to watch me die.
I want you to remember me in another way.
Mayhap the way we were yesterday, when you let me race you on the ice.
” Her blue eyes stared into his with regret, and she reached up to touch his cheek. “Be my friend and allow me that mercy.”
“No.” He would never leave her behind to die. “That, I will not do.”
“Stubborn man,” she whispered. “Why not?”
“Because I had to leave my sisters, and it was not my choice. They were helpless, and are now prisoners of the king. I won’t turn my back on a woman again.
” His voice came out sharper than he’d intended, but he would never abandon her.
It struck him hard to realize that he would miss her, too.
This fragile woman had somehow entwined herself within him.
“Then...if I do not survive the rest of this journey, promise me that you’ll stay until I breathe my last breath.”
He didn’t even want to imagine it. “You won’t die alone,” was all he could manage.
She smiled then and kept her hand upon his cheek. “I will always be grateful that you saved me from a marriage to Rory ó Connor.”
Her palm was a brand upon his blackened soul. “I am sorry,” he said. Sorry for what he had done and for what he still had to do. But she misunderstood him, believing he was apologizing because of her illness.
“Don’t be.” She let her fingers trail down his arm. “I have enjoyed these days with you. I am glad you changed your mind about escorting me to the west. I only hope I can finish the journey.”
Her words humbled him, yet the idea of this woman dying was a blow he didn’t want to face. Her smile, her passion—she captivated him in a way no woman ever had. If she died, he would mourn the loss of her.
Instead, he held her tightly and tried not to think of it.