Chapter Nine #3
The brittle hurt encircled her with a truth she didn’t want to face. No man wanted a dying woman. She pushed back the rise of tears, and lay back against the furs, studying the herbs that hung in neat bundles from the ceiling.
Raine returned at last, but she didn’t look at him. Instead she behaved as if nothing at all had happened between them. “Did you have a nice walk?”
He didn’t respond to the question but said, “I thought you would be asleep by now.”
“No.” She couldn’t sleep at all, both from her body’s physical frustration and her own regrets. “I was waiting for you to come back.”
Raine didn’t acknowledge the remark and said, “I’ll awaken you before dawn, and we’ll continue our journey. Your father’s men will be sleeping by then, and we can stay far away from them. We should be able to see our way if we follow the river.”
He didn’t wait for an answer but moved to the opposite wall, making it quite clear that he had no intention of sleeping anywhere near her. Stubborn man. Carice tried not to let her feelings be hurt as she snuggled beneath the furs. But she didn’t want him so far away.
“I wonder about the people who live here,” she mused aloud, studying the interior of the hut. “They haven’t been married long, I’d wager.”
In answer, Raine closed his eyes, remaining silent. Carice didn’t let that deter her. She knew he was trying to avoid her, and she was feeling restless. She wanted to be with him, to feel the warmth of his body against hers while she slept. Even if it was only in friendship.
“I don’t think they have children,” she continued.
“At least, not yet.” The dwelling was small, with only one sleeping place.
An emptiness slid over her with the knowledge that she would likely never bear a child.
She would never know the sensation of movement within her or what it was to bring life into the world.
The dream was one she yearned for, but it would never be.
“You don’t have to avoid me, Raine,” she told him. “There is room for both of us here.” To lighten the mood, she added, “Besides that, my feet are cold.”
“I intend to sleep right now,” he countered. “Just as you should.” The tone of his voice brooked no argument, putting up an invisible barrier between them. He had made it clear that he wanted no part of her.
Her heart trembled, but Carice forced herself to ask, “Did I make you angry when I kissed you? I only did it because I felt badly for what happened to your family.”
He hesitated a moment but then said, “I wasn’t angry.”
For a long moment, his pause hung between them. She said nothing, uncertain of what she should have done.
“But I cannot sleep near you, Lady Carice.”
She closed her eyes, feeling her face warm with embarrassment. “It’s all right. I only meant that we could keep each other warm.”
“It’s not safe,” he warned. “I don’t trust myself not to touch you.”
The words were an invisible caress, and she imagined his hands upon her skin.
Or better, his warm mouth. Her breasts tightened into hard nubs against her gown.
She buried her face in the fur, not understanding the heat coursing within her.
This man breathed life into her in a way she’d never anticipated.
He made her crave everything, though she understood his desire to remain distant.
She simply had never known how much it would hurt to be spurned.
The silence filled up the space between them. She wanted to speak to him, to bring back the friendship that had been there when they had raced upon the ice. And so she broached the subject that troubled her. “Sometimes I wonder how much time is left for me before I die.”
“None of us knows when we will take our last breath,” he said quietly. “I could be killed in battle at any moment.”
She knew it was true, and yet, the thought brought a sense of fear within her. Raine did live a dangerous life, more so than her own. He rolled over to his side, facing away from her, and the silent message was unmistakable.
Despite his rejection of her offer, Carice didn’t like the idea of him sleeping with no protection from the cold ground. She stood and picked up her fallen cloak, spreading it on the ground beside him. “You can sleep upon this. To stay warm.”
He opened his eyes and gave a grudging nod, rolling himself inside the cloak.
Though he tried to sleep, she sensed that he was not truly resting. “I am sorry about your sisters, Raine. I hope you believe that.”
But when he gave no reply, she started to think about his decision to help her.
Something wasn’t right. A man who had sworn to protect his sisters, who had agreed to do the king’s bidding, would never escort her to the west without a reason of his own.
His defiance could cause the women to be harmed even more—especially if the Normans learned that he had been released from captivity so soon.
An icy chill caught her, though she knew it was foolish.
Surely her suspicions were unfounded. Raine was helping her because he wanted to—because beneath his grim exterior lay a man of honor, one who remained true to what was right instead of what was expected.
Her suspicions had no merit, and she had to believe in him.
Besides, it would only be a few days before they reached the Dingle Peninsula. Somehow, she would find a way to reward him for all that he’d done.
But as she closed her eyes and sought to find sleep, she couldn’t quite let go of the feeling that something was amiss.
True to his promise, Raine awakened Carice in the middle of the night. He hadn’t slept at all, and he didn’t care. His body was aching for her, and being surrounded by her scent within the cloak hadn’t helped.
“Do we have to leave now?” she whispered, her voice heavy with sleep.
“Oui,” he answered. “We must. Else we risk being discovered.” He helped her to rise and tore a loaf of bread in half, giving her food to sustain her before the journey.
Then he fastened the cloak around her. Carice’s long brown hair hung beneath her breasts, and her blue eyes stared into his.
She didn’t understand the temptation she was, and he would not take advantage of her body, no matter how badly he wanted her.
The only reason they were leaving now was so she would not see the morning sunrise and realize that they were traveling east. If she slept until midday, he might manage to hide their whereabouts.
She’s going to find out what you’ve done, his mind warned. He knew that, for Carice was an intelligent woman. It was only a matter of time. He hoped that they would get close enough to Tara before she discovered his ruse...and that one day she would come to forgive him.
Outside, the snow crunched beneath their horses’ hooves, and the moonlight guided their path.
Raine began leading the horses east, following the river as he’d promised.
He altered their path through another forest, hiding their trail.
Though he told her it was to avoid her father’s men, the truth was, it was meant to confuse her.
Carice was half-asleep as she rode, and she leaned heavily upon the mare as the hours passed.
She looked so fragile, the guilt sank into his conscience.
The deception would cause her to hate him, but he could see no other means of gaining his sisters’ release.
It was one of many reasons why he’d refused to seduce her.
She would despise him even more if he dared take her innocence, when he’d intended to betray her all along.
He found a small sheltered space at the side of a hill, with a dolmen built upon the mound of earth.
The table-shaped rock formation would protect them from the elements, and he guided her toward it.
“We should be far enough away from your father’s men now,” he told her.
“You can rest a little longer if you wish.”
The truth was, the light was changing and the faintest touch of rose creased the eastern horizon before them. If he gave her time to rest, it was unlikely that she would notice their path.
He helped her dismount and then brought out a fur that the chief had given them. “Go and sleep,” he bade her. “You can wrap yourself in this to keep warm.”
She nodded drowsily, stumbling forward until he helped her inside the small space.
He used a heavy blanket of wool to cover the opening.
But he knew she would need more warmth than that.
They could not risk a fire—even the presence of the horses might alert strangers, if anyone came upon them.
He would have no choice but to share the space with her, to keep her from freezing.
Carice huddled underneath the dolmen, her body trembling from the cold. He wanted to go and warm her now, but he had to care for the horses first.
He led them to drink and ensured that they had all they needed and were protected from the elements before he returned to the dolmen. He pushed aside the wool and crouched low, sitting beneath the stone shelter. Carice was curled up in the fur, and she was shivering hard.
“I c-can’t seem to get warm,” she said.
Without a word, he reached out to her waist and pulled her body against his, adjusting the fur coverlet so it warmed both of them.
The moment he felt her curved backside against him, he grew hard.
But he forced his idle thoughts away, rubbing Carice’s arms to bring warmth to them.
She took his hands in hers, crossing them beneath her breasts. “Thank you. This is so much better.”
But it wasn’t. She was revealing all the temptation he wanted but couldn’t have. He gritted his teeth, wishing to God that he didn’t crave her like this. She was killing him.
“Don’t move,” he commanded. “Sleep.” Because if she moved against him again, he was going to lose control.
She let out a soft sigh. “You’re the one who needs to sleep, Raine. I know you’re tired.”