Chapter 47
Facing the Music
When Haruki had reported Elyna had caught a nasty cold—pneumonia, even—Kazuki’s heart had stuttered. Far from settling him, her return carved a deeper the trench in his chest; she looked positively gaunt.
And it was all his damn fault.
Since then, their conversations had grown stilted. Any exchange strictly professional, where she avoided his gaze. A silent torture that he was powerless to stop.
Ten long days had passed since then, excruciating. Ten days nursing a broken heart, and watching the woman he loved spiral downwards. His dreams were filled with her smiles, but when dawn broke over the horizon, the harsh truth settled in his bones.
Every day, Satsuki coaxed Elyna to eat a new homemade dessert. Every day, his teaching assistant smiled, nibbling on the treat with the motivation of someone walking to the gallows. Had she lost more weight? Had that flicker of sadness always lived in her eyes?
Kazuki was at the end of his rope; he braced himself for the inevitable. That Shintarō had switched his coffee for camomile—while dropping the bomb that Elyna might be a secret lesbian—didn’t help his heart settle.
Clever girl. What better way to fend off unwanted attention? Unless… had he forced a kiss upon her? The mere possibility made him sick. She kissed me back… right?
Lost to reason, Kazuki almost jumped when the bell rang. Use your legendary diplomacy, Shintarō had advised. How could diplomacy solve this? As his students left the room, Kazuki wondered if mending the wound his stupidity had inflicted was even possible.
So he gathered his courage and asked: “Elyna-san, a moment please?” He did not miss the flash of panic upon her face as she waved Shūji and Haruki away, smile stiff.
To think the biggest idiot in history had blown that beautiful confidence to pieces. Chest clenching, Kazuki checked the corridor before closing the door. The clang echoed through the room, stifling.
I swear she’ll walk out of that room with a spring in her step.
For the first time since the Hokkaidō fiasco, they were face to face. Kazuki called forth years of training to centre himself. “Elyna-san,” he started, putting the emphasis on a proper suffix.
She shuddered, clutching the handle of her bag tighter, standing three feet from his desk. But her eye didn’t leave the ground. Kazuki’s stomach plummeted.
“How…”, he fumbled, passing a weary hand upon his tired features. He, too, had lost sleep. “How are you?”
The answer was instantaneous. “Better.”
A part of it was true; the coughing had abated to occasional bouts, the dimples in her cheeks returning. Yet, the vibrant part of her, that drive that could overturn every mountain, that light that used to dance in her eyes…
“Really?”
Her gaze shot up, filled with sorrow and disbelief.
Just one look, but one that pierced his defences and wrecked him completely.
She’d held herself together so brilliantly that he didn’t expect those beloved blue eyes to fill with tears.
Utterly helpless, Kazuki felt his heart crumble like a paper lantern.
“I… forgive me,” he finally uttered, his own gaze falling in disgrace. To watch the misery he was responsible for was beyond his limits.
Elyna whirled around, and buried her face in her hands. A sob escaped her, then another. Soon, she was crying in earnest, shoulders shaking.
Kazuki’s resolve snapped like a coil strung too tight.
In two steps, he was behind her, arms winding around her hunched form.
Letting her know he was there. That he shared her grief.
Elyna shattered in his embrace, crying her heart out with sobs so pitiful that he felt pressure build behind his eyes.
But he couldn’t falter, especially when he was the only one standing strong in the storm.
There was nothing else to do but hold her and lend his strength. “Please don’t cry,” he murmured in her ear. “It breaks my heart to see you cry.”
The moment the words left his mouth, he berated himself for denying her the need to grieve what could never be. You selfish bastard.
“Gomen,” he apologised instantly. For not handling her pain, and for kissing her senseless before discarding her. “I’m so sorry, Elyna. I…”
“Please stop apologising,” she mumbled, sniffling pitifully. “It was the most—hiccup—beautiful moment of my—hiccup—life. So don’t… don’t apologise for it.”
Those words settled deep in his bones, infusing him with a joy so profound he felt like he would suffocate. She loved it. She treasures that moment as much as I do. And even though her sorrow poured in his arms, he couldn’t help but marvel.
She’s so brave to lay her heart like that.
To think he was the one hiding behind rules and ethics. Something darker surged within the confines of his soul. Something dangerous that fought his reason, clawing its way up with increasing urgency. Kazuki choked, but held fast.
Don’t say a word.
His arms refused to let go as she wiped her eyes, clamped around her front.
Elyna’s crying finally subsided. “I’ll just keep it in my heart.” Yet, she did not move out of his embrace; Kazuki did not step back. Should anyone open that door, right now… they were both doomed.
“It will be my precious memory,” she declared, voice rough. Her face remained hidden behind the curtain of her hair. It made him crazy: in this position, he couldn’t read her.
Her voice grew sorrowful, head falling forward until her chin rested against his forearms. “I just wanted to say that understand, sensei.”
Do you? Because I don’t. I really don’t.
His reason screamed at him to let go. But he feared he might never get to touch her again. One second, he was plunging into the depth of the unknown and the next slapping himself silly for even considering it.
But deep down, he feared the moment he would have to let go, to take that fateful step back and retreat to safer grounds.
“I’m just an assistant to you, I understand I’m not…”
Her words hit hard, and his chest shuddered under the assault. You don’t understand a thing, my golden lady. Not a thing.
But Elyna wasn’t finished. “I understand why you don’t want me.” Her voice cracked, and so did his heart.
Kazuki lost it; he knew exactly how it felt to be dubbed ‘not enough’, and he refused to be the one to inflict such a wound. He turned Elyna around none too gently, finally facing her. His heart hammered like taiko drums when he cupped her cheeks in his hands, seeking her warmth.
Her face was blotchy, eyes rimmed red. Still beautiful. The very idea of giving up was inconceivable. He just couldn’t… let her go. Couldn’t follow the script of that song she’d brilliantly flung at his face.
“You are so amazing Elyna,” he whispered, way beyond reason. “And I want you so bad it hurts.”
Her eyes finally found his, so comically wide she looked like an anime character; he’d never seen irises so blue he wanted to drown in them. Now that his earth-shattering confession was out, he forced himself to let go.
Kazuki took a step back and raked a hand in his hair. “You understand why we can’t,” he started. Her head shook a resounding NO. “You deserve the world, Elyna.”
“I don’t want the world,” she whispered, her expression, pleading. “You are my world. I only want…” she took a deep breath, and Kazuki braced for impact when her impossibly blue eyes pinned him. “… you.”
Helpless, Kazuki felt his walls crumble. Almost unconsciously, he sagged forward, reaching out to her. And, akin to that fated day at the hot springs, her lips were right there, offered like the petals of a rare bloom.
He claimed them with the desperation of a drowning man.
The first touch was as overwhelming as he remembered—soft and warm, welcoming. Tongue brushing over Elyna's plush lips, he paused, giving her one last chance to pull away. Instead, she called him back to where he belonged.
A great sigh escaped his chest, a sound that betrayed both relief and utter contentment.
How did I survive without this? Without her?
Elyna was the very air that kept him alive, the sun that warmed him, the hope that made him sane. Her breath turned shallow, her hands trembling around him. Her scent and the jasmine note of her shampoo surrounded him.
Composure crumbling, Kazuki deepened the kiss. Elyna whimpered and nestled closer, as if she wanted to mould into his larger frame. Her fingers found purchase in his shirt, fabric bunching beneath her grip.
Kazuki tightened his hold around her waist, arms possessive. The curve of her back fit perfectly against his palm. Mine. Be mine. Her presence against his chest grounded him as much as she set him ablaze—the contradiction nearly undid him.
Panting, he pulled back just enough to catch his breath, forehead resting against hers. Her chest met his with every ragged breath, the air vibrating between them.
"I can't stay away," he murmured, voice rough.
He kissed her again, slowly this time; she tasted like the salt of her tears.
He knew he should stop. The door was unlocked.
Anyone could walk in. But he poured into this embrace all the sleepless nights of those past months, all the longing that had churned in his gut until he thought it would consume him.
Her hands slid up to cup his jaw, the gesture so tender that his heart ached.
Kazuki dove for another kiss, and another. "I tried so hard," he breathed against her mouth, the words barely forming. "But I can't."
All his fears crumbled to dust when Elyna surged up to meet him like the tide. There was no better proof that she wanted him than her eager hands diving into his hair with surprising strength.
Desperate, Kazuki held her lithe frame against his with all his might, fearful of the chasm he'd just caught a glimpse of—the one where she wasn't his. He absently wished he could stay like this forever, feasting on her lips, arms encasing her, feeling the rhythm of her heartbeat against his chest.
But the world had other ideas.
A sudden clatter echoed in the corridor. Startled, they both pushed away. Kazuki’s chest heaved and his heart hammered, as if he’d run a full marathon. Elyna didn’t fare much better, eyes wide and puffy, lips reddened by his assault.
Delicious… delectable… forbidden. When reason crashed into him, the familiar feeling rang all the alarm bells in his mind. He gasped, then shook his head to chase away the déjà vu. A dark forest, fire blazing at their feet. Him retreating behind the safety of protocol, breaking her heart.
Kazuki’s hand covered his face. What should I do? When he emerged from his little crisis, he caught Elyna watching him fearfully. His chest clenched at the sight. Pushing her away had devastated them both; it was time to be smart. Today, he firmly refused to cave under pressure.
“All right,” he breathed, finding the strength to face her again. “We need to be smart about this.”
Elyna’s features brightened; it felt like the sun was finally peeking through the storm clouds that had been hovering for too long.
I made you doubt, my golden lady. He was quiet for a moment, then he reached out to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear.
His fingers lingered against her cheek, just a ghost of a touch.
The sensation sent warm tingles down his spine, and he took a step back.
Without the distance, he wouldn’t be able to think properly.
Kazuki squared his shoulders, like a man preparing for battle. This classroom wasn’t the appropriate place to… what? Kiss her senseless?
“I’m going to… I need to trust you if we want this to work. We need absolute secrecy. But if you’re alright with that, I think we can navigate this. Carefully.”
Elyna nodded, attuned to his words. To ask for silence felt like a sacrilege.
“Now, you’re going to walk out that door,” he said, anticipating the loss already. “And we’re going to pretend this didn’t happen until we can talk it through properly. Can you do that?”
“Can you?” she retorted cheekily. And despite the redness that lingered around her eyes, her defiance made his stomach flip. Then she licked her finger in that obnoxious way Shūji always did, and touched the hollow of his throat. His bare skin almost burnt under the purpose of that touch.
“Dibs,” she smirked. “You are mine, now.”
Fire spread in his veins; his eyes widened at her gall. Suddenly, Kazuki wondered if he’d not bitten off more than he could chew. She will be the death of me.
“Hai,” he responded seriously. “And you mine, my Golden Lady.”
The smile that crept upon her face could have powered up the whole of Tōkyō.
Mission accomplished, even if it’s not the way I expected it.
Elyna: guess what?
Aksel: You’re stranded on a deserted island with a mermaid?
Elyna: Baka! I’ve had the best second kiss of my life ??
Aksel: Way to go girl. I’m putting an ad on google news
Elyna: This stays between us. Like, absolutely no word to anyone else. Not even a beetle passing through the garden. The risk he is taking is huge.
Aksel: OK. How much do you pay? ?????
Elyna: You dolt ??